Second Person, Twenty-Six
You ask her why. She answers you. You talk about it more.
You ask Meredith Grey why she almost kissed you and her reasons are about the same as what you thought they might have been.
Meredith says that 'as a friend she loves you, and she wants the first time you kiss a woman for it to be someone who really loves you' and that's why she offered to kiss you that time in the bathroom.
You think about this for a second, and you realize this is the first time she's said to you she loves you, even just as a friend.
And you don't hesitate to say it back. You tell Meredith Grey, that "as a friend, I love you, too," and this seems to melt her heart a little, but again, just as your friend.
You ask if she would still kiss you. For the reasons that she mentioned. She says she still would, but only if you ever want her to, of course.
And then you ask if she would have asked you that the last time and she says she was about to.
You're relieved she said right away she would not have kissed you without asking your permission first.
Meredith seems to sense your relief and she promises she was only about to press your foreheads together before talking.
You imagine the talking now. Foreheads touching. Whispers in the air.
You think that it would feel nice. Really nice to be that close to Meredith. And even nicer for Meredith to kiss you.
But you don't want to kiss her now. Not only because the moment is over. But because you've thought about it more.
You want Meredith to be better than you. She's already stronger than you are. You want her to be happy with Derek, and not be a heater again, ever, not even for one friendship kiss with you so you can be kissed for the first time by a girl who loves you - even if that means you never get to kiss her, at all, and ever.
You don't want to take that intimacy from Meredith, not if it takes even a tiny piece away from her. You know she might get something out of kissing you, too, but you would be using her more than the other way around.
And you know that's how you felt when Mark gave sex to you. That you were taking something away from him and he was taking something away from you.
And you know you felt dirty and raw afterward and you imagine that he did, too, even if he asked you for it first.
And you never, ever want to feel that way about Meredith, or for Meredith to feel that way for you.
So you say 'no' to Meredith, about the kissing, (the kissing with her, like this, while she is still with Derek). You say you don't feel up to it today, and you don't have to explain why to her at all...
Because she lays a gentle hand on your lips before you can start to justify it. And she just smiles and understands and says "of course, Addie, as I said, I only would if you fully wanted me to..."
You don't know when she started calling you that, but you never want her to ever stop.
You say "thanks, Mer, for understanding. And also for being willing to kiss me as a friend. The fact that you would seriously offer, is far more than enough for me, from you..."
Meredith smiles are you smile back even brighter. You don't know if it's at your nickname for her or your other words. You don't care; It's wonderful to make her smile, and just being there next to her so close.
You want to feel some part platonic of her, at least. You tuck your head under Meredith's chin and she nuzzles you into her neck.
You're in your car again. This time you went for chocolate chips. Like the kind that you put in cookies, a big pack of semisweet ones from an organic fair trade store.
They were cheaper by the pound than the bars were, and they ended up being more fun to eat as well.
This time you both sought each other out, simultaneously, after your near-miss in the washroom.
You both needed comfort. You both needed to talk. You both needed to escape. You both wanted to leave Seattle Grace Hospital immediately. You both wanted chocolate. You both went looking for each other at the exact same time...
The in-sync timing thing with Meredith proved to be better than you imagined. You weren't busy and she wasn't busy. This time you weren't really in a crisis, either of you.
This time there was no crying, there was just some cuddling. You snuggling into her lap, this time falling into the passenger seat of your jet-black Mercedes.
You're parked behind the store now so no one can see you snuggling.
Meredith makes a half-joke about people seeing if you stayed out front and they might be thinking you are giving her a blow job.
But then, you say she has nothing to 'blow' because you're only with boys when you do that. And then she laughs and asks if you have ever heard of strap-ons.
You say you have not and she giggles and explains they're a sex toy that one person straps onto themselves to penetrate the other.
You bury your head into her lap as she says this because you're flushing with embarrassment.
You are imagining how heavenly that must feel, to have someone inside you as an extension of their body, but it not ever be a living phallus.
God, you want to try that someday; even if you never think it'll happen with Meredith Grey. But holy shit if it did you'd probably orgasm in two seconds...
You realize you're gripping into her legs now, and that your fists are tight in a ball. You consciously unclench then and relax into her gentle touch.
She's stroking your back in gentle circle patterns and it's soothing you almost to sleep. "Do you want to fall asleep here?" Meredith asks you in case you don't.
Meredith always asks you want you to want, and she really really means it. And you love it because it makes you trust her. She's showing that she cares, and you show you care when you answer her.
You say you really do want to sleep for a little bit, only if that's okay with her. And she says yes and sets an alarm for a few hours when you both have to be back at work. And she asks if you want her to rub her temples as you did for her.
And you're a bit surprised that she remembered that, but also not that surprised at all. And you say yes because you want her to, and she is offering, and there's nothing PG-Or-Plus-Rated about that.
So you turn over from your head in her lap and you let her see your face. She is still not crying and you are still not crying. And neither of you needs to.
You just feel light and airy, once you finally talked through what you needed to with each other. And you let the sweet sugar taste of the chocolate you ate lull you back asleep as you feel Meredith move her beautiful and dainty and delicate surgeons hands up upon your face.
You could stay awake, just to hear her breathing. You do for a little while, But you don't forever. eventually a sweet sleep follows, and she tells you when you wake up that you were smiling as you were sleeping, while you were far away, dreaming...
It's a bit before the alarm was supposed to go off, so you just stay there and cuddle for a while. You've always really liked cuddling. Even with a friend, just cuddling. Well, that's all you've ever known. But you've always really liked cuddling and you especially like Meredith Grey cuddling you, the most.
The cuddling with Mark and Derek post-sex or pre-sex or no-sex was just probably friend cuddling to you because you didn't care for the heterosexual sex part. You think now, upon reflection, you married Derek because he was your best friend and you were his.
You 'did it' with him, Derek, because that was expected of you, and you didn't get all the hype about sex until that fateful day with Mark talking about sex that had two women.
But you don't want to think about all of that again now. You just want to stay here, bright and shiny. You see that Meredith seems bright and shiny, too. You imagine it's because you made the decision for her that she was mulling over.
Namely the one about whether or not she was going to do something with you that would leave her a filthy whore like her mama, again. You never bring that up, though, because you know that the subject quite upsets her.
You know a lot about Meredith Grey now, all the things she likes and dislikes. You could almost write a handbook and log them all for someone else.
You wonder why Derek or Mark have never noticed you are always off eating chocolate together. You wonder why Cristina and Callie have never said anything about it, either. You wonder why none of the other doctors, friends, acquaintances have ever caught you already, sneaking off from Seattle Grace.
Not that you're doing anything wrong by spending time together. Now everyone knows you are friends and the drama seems to have washed over. You don't need your chocolate outings to be a secret, because you've made the executive decision together that nothing sexual will happen on these car escape excursions anyway.
But you like it to be just for the two of you, and you start to wonder if she likes that, too. Meredith always keeps your secrets and you know you will always keep hers.
But you wonder if she likes to have something of you that is only her to know. Its... Just the way she seems to cherish you back that you cherish her, or at least she's damn good to pretend she does, but you don't really think it could all be just fake.
You sometimes start to feel too hopeful, that she could someday see you as more than just her friend. The maybemaybemaybe is always eating at your brain...
You fall asleep again, smiling as you doze off in the car on the drive back to the hospital. You're not in the driver's seat, of course. You're in the passenger's seat and you barely register Meredith asking for your keys.
You only realize this has happened fully once Meredith soothes you awake with her thumb gently brushing your cheek.
"Addison, we're here now," she says to you ever so softly. You could spend your life in this sweet surrender. You could stay lost in this moment, forever. Every moment you spend with her is a moment you treasure...
She's right though, you both have work. But you realize that this time she must have used your keys to drive you in your car back to the hospital to let you sleep longer. How she managed to maneuver you into your seat and buckle you in without waking you up completely out of your half sedated state is a mystery that will always be a mystery to you both.
Meredith must have known you were exhausted, and that you would wake up exhausted, as you know you have to face the music now with Derek and Mark about the unborn baby that you gave up a few months ago.
And Meredith can see the dread forming in your eyes because she runs her hands over your head to massage out your temples again... "It's okay, you'll be okay. You're okay," she says, and it's exactly what you need to hear right now.
"You did nothing wrong. Whatever they say to you, you did nothing wrong. I'll tell them both that myself, even though you don't need me to stand up for you. I will though because you're right to do what you need with your own body, and you always will be..."
The way Meredith talks to you now, you know you'll be okay-
As long as she's still the friend who would be willing to kiss you if you wanted but you don't.
As long as she's the friend who will stand up to you to her boyfriend and his best friend even if she tells you, you don't need it.
As long as Meredith is still going out for chocolate with you, holding you.
As long as she is while wearing that ring of yours that never leaves her finger...
As long as you can have Meredith Grey in your life like this, even if you never get to see her want you back as more, you know you'll be okay.
No matter what, you'll be okay, you'll be okay... Right?
-Addison Montgomery
In her personal diary. As she looks up the song "I don't want to miss a thing," by Aerospace. Because the words got stuck in your head and you think it was playing on the radio while Meredith had her hands gently upon your head.
****** END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Author's Note:
Was this a good resolution to the angst and anticipation of the last one?
How do you think the next one will go down?
Are you enjoying this so far? If so, what are your most favorite parts of these paste 26 Chapters?
This was a special chapter to write, along with the last one.
Take care!
bobbiejelly
And of course, onto the dedications:
Ao3:
LordOfLezzies you are the MVP for commenting on EVERY CHAPTER! Thanks to Arahneia for the lovely words and Also, of course, thanks to AddisonAddek and LordOfLezzies, all on Ao3
AddisonAddek for wanting more and commenting (a heck-ton) today, plus LordOfLezzies (also, because you're super) and Hotgitay who commented on Chapter 1.
Arahneia, AddisonAddek, Dragoncatcher123, LordofLezzies, and Hotgitay as well as 1 guest left kudos on this work! 1 subscription, 139 hits so far. 94 comments.
Fanfiction:
smountain for the lovely review. 602 views.
Wattpad:
Comments and suggestions from Eleven_256, and naylorholby always make my day.
Thanks for the most WONDERFUL shout-out comment from JordynMarie05.
myfairlilymunster for the comments on Chapter 1.
danielaperezsurga, JordynMarie05, Unicornbaby78, myfairlilymunster, outlawqueenpercabeth, naylorholby, AddisonAddek, and probably some others who don't show up on my phone, voted on this, thanks. 338 reads, 20 comments, and 123 stars.
Also THANKS to everyone else who reads this someday, and to a friend in 'real-life' who beta'ed this for me. Much love.
Ps. A new Chapter of this is up! A MerAdd sexy chapter:
Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Ficsbobbiejelly