Chapter 18: Don't Know Myself Anymore
Derek's Point-of-View
I felt empty.
It was Monday, mid-morning and I had yet to step foot outside my office. I cancelled all my surgeries and diverted any emergency ones to the less seasoned doctors, using it as a teaching excuse. All I wanted to do was sit and do paperwork, and come up with a reason as to why my life had suddenly spiraled out of control.
Until I had a reason, a plan to move on…I was going to sit and wait.
I heard a knock on the door and looked up in irritation as my chief of surgery let himself into my office.
"You've been laying low today, Derek."
"Yeah Richard, I…have a lot of paperwork to catch up on."
"It's not like you to pass everything off on the other surgeons Derek." He insisted, "You've never been one to give your scalpel up."
"Richard please," I begged "not today."
He gave me a polite nod and sat in a seat on the other side of my desk "I heard about Meredith." I looked up in surprise "I was there when her mother went through it. I can't imagine what you feel right now…if there's anything I can do."
"There's a few things either or both of us can do." I gulped "But she doesn't want that, she just…she's accepting this. Though she deserves a medal of honor for the grace she is showing…"
"It's not like Meredith to give up a fight."
I felt my eyes sting and water as I looked at him, trying to swallow my emotions. I didn't want to fall apart, at least not there. I could easily curl myself into a fetal position and ball until I dehydrated myself to death.
"I woke up this morning for the first time since we got married, and she wasn't there." I mumbled "I can't seem to shake the feeling that I don't know who I am anymore. I mean, I am a world renown neurosurgeon, I'm head of my department and I could operate in my sleep…but without her, without her there loving me…I am no one."
"I felt like that too Derek, when Ellis died I felt like I died too." He comforted me "All I can say is that it gets better."
I pressed my lips together as I swallowed another sob from rising up.
"What if I don't want it to."
Richard nodded, "I know this is bad timing, Derek but there was a reason other than hearing about Meredith that I came in here. I am retiring at the end of the month, and the board and I are in agreement that you should be named the next Chief of surgery."
"Richard." I gasped.
I'd waited to hear those words come out of his lips for years…and now he chose this time, this day to tell me, to ask me?
"I know you need some time to think about it, and figure out what to do with your kids and everything. But I need a decision by the press conference at the end of next week."
I sat there in shock as he turned to leave my office, he stopped at the door and turned back.
"Oh and Derek….work is what helped me, it's what saved me. If I didn't have my work I would have let the grief of losing her eat me alive."
"Then why are you stopping now?"
"It's time…time to stop and time to do the things her and I always planned to do."
"But she isn't with you anymore." I frowned.
"No." he smiled "But her memory will always be with me."
I nodded as he left my office, Meredith's memory was with me, it always would be…only right now it haunted me as the guilt ate me alive. I'd never regretted anything so strongly in my wife…I heard another knock at the door and looked up to see my regret standing there in human form.
"What." I mumbled.
"Don't what me." She scoffed as she invited herself in and pranced over to my desk "I hadn't seen you all day, so I thought I'd come invite you to lunch."
"Seriously." I hissed "Are you in complete denial or do you just not get the hint of a breakup."
"Derek you were upset, I was upset, we had a fight."
"Again." I muttered "I broke up with you. It's over Addison…as in finished, completed, not going to happen anymore ever again."
"Look, I heard about your wife." She blurted out, I felt like someone shoved a dagger into my heart at the casual way she spoke it "It must really suck…but this actually might be a good thing. Now, we don't have to sneak around, right?"
I gulped and bit my tongue as I fought with every muscle in my body to not throw her across the room and out the window.
"Get out." I growled.
"Excuse me?" she scoffed.
"Get out of my office." I growled again "Get out of my office, get out of my hallway, and get out of my life! We are done!"
"I would stop right there if I were you." She said, her tone suddenly changing.
"What?"
"Before you go any further in kicking me to the curb you need to understand something." She sighed "I am an intern, an innocent and naive little intern. And you are an attending, a head of the neurosurgical department and from what I heard in the hallway right now… a chief of surgery candidate."
"And?" I scowled.
"If the press and hospital board were to get wind of say…you having an affair with said intern it might look bad…for you and for the hospital."
"Are you seriously threatening me right now?" I hissed.
She stood up and smirked as if she had power and hold over me. "Just think about it. What are you willing to risk here…after all you have 4 children to support on your own now."
As she twirled around left my office all four of their faces flashed into my mind. I wasn't one for threats, hell to the fuck no. What would this do to them…they were going through enough as it was. How much more did I have to hurt them?