I'm not having the best week. Very emotional. Bit of a big week at work. I can't wait til my 3 day weekend and hopefully have time to relax enough to get me through the foreseeable.

It took longer than Maura wanted to find her underwear, and the contents of her purse that had spilled out across the floor. She rested it on her shoulder, slipped her feet into her pumps and raced out the door in search of Jane. She stopped on the top step, searching the street in both directions in search of Jane. Her heart thumped loudly. Jane assured her that everything would be fine, but it wasn't. After such a beautiful moment filled with love, Maura felt completely abandoned. After another minute of searching, she gave up.

Jane was gone, and it was all Maura's fault. She'd killed a man, something she promised herself she'd never do. She didn't want to be this person anymore, yet her father had pushed her into it. She climbed into her car and drove home in silence.

By the time she got back, the apartment was empty, and the sky outside had gone dark. She was behind on her schoolwork, which added to the strain, and she didn't much feel like eating. She took a shower, if only to try and level out her fractured thoughts. Wrapped in a towel, she stared into the steamed up mirror. What she could see of her reflection, she hated. For the first time in a long while, she hated herself with such passion that she couldn't breathe thinking about it.

Her cell buzzed on the bathroom counter. She snatched it up, hoping it might be Jane, but the voice on the other end was the one person she didn't much want to speak to.

"Maura, darling, you've not been in touch for days, did you fix Jane's mess?"

"I did."

The person staring back at her as she spoke sounded just like her, but she looked different, broken.

"Good. You tell your little friend that if she wants to make any more changes, she's got to go through me. Okay?"

"Okay."

She made an excuse and hung up the phone, dropping it accidentally in the sink. She let out a gasp, followed by a sob. Gripping the side of the counter, she hunched forward, shaking with every tear.

A loud knock at the bathroom door pulled her attention away. She stood upright and swiped at her cheek. "Hello?"

"Maura." Chelsea knocked again. "Maura, are you crying? Will you let me in?"

She rubbed the tears from her cheeks with a face towel and forged a smile as she unlocked the door. But the towel wouldn't remove the red blotches on her skin, or the devastation in her eyes.

"Oh, Maura," Chelsea said, barely seeing her face before she pulled her into her arms. Maura sobbed quietly for a few minutes, succumbing to the comfort that Chelsea brought.

A few minutes later, Maura had changed into joggers and a sweater and they sat down on the couch. Chelsea handed her a glass of wine, and Maura accepted it graciously.

"You gonna talk or do I have to make you drink more wine?" Chelsea asked, bumping her shoulder against Maura's.

Maura sighed, but drank a large mouthful. The story was large, too large, and complicated to explain. But she had to say something. She needed to talk to somebody.

"Jane's engaged to her boyfriend."

She didn't know why she said it. It didn't even matter to her, not really. She knew that Jane's life was more complicated than it appeared on the surface, that the engagement wasn't straightforward. But it was the only part of the story that made sense, that would make sense to somebody on the outside.

"Oh." Chelsea shook her head. "What a bitch."

"No." Maura felt the sting of tears again. "It's complicated. I'm just…I thought I could trust her, she tells me she loves me, and the next thing she's running out of her apartment and I'm so angry that she would let me down like that."

Resting a hand on Maura's shoulder, Chelsea rubbed her arm. "She told you she loves you?"

"Yeah."

"Then what the fuck?"

"It's…"

"Complicated." Chelsea sighed. "I get the gay thing isn't easy depending on your family but come on, Maura. She shouldn't mess you around like that. Whether she's gay or bi or just into you, none of that means she has to be with this guy. She should have sacked him off long ago if she doesn't love him."

"I know." She did know. She'd known since they'd slept together that what Jane was doing wasn't entirely fair. "I guess I only accepted it because I thought, because I…because I fell in love with her and you know how much that scares me."

"You love her too?" Chelsea grabbed her hand, linking their fingers. "I'm sorry it didn't work out, babe."

Maura let out a small sob as her face contorted once more. "Me too."

"What you gonna do?"

Breathing in slowly, deeply, Maura took a moment to compose herself. She reached across the couch to her cell. "I'm going to send her a message. Let her know that she doesn't need to keep up this charade, then I'm going to drink a whole bottle of wine, watch some crappy television and go make love to myself until I pass out."

Chelsea scoffed. "That's very specific."

Maura shrugged. "You know me."

While Chelsea grabbed the bottle of wine, and cooked some popcorn, Maura spent a moment drafting her message to Jane, until she was satisfied.

'Jane, I understand why you left. I understand why you don't want to see me. What I did wasn't okay. I know that. Nothing excuses the things I've done. You should marry Danny. There's obviously a reason you stayed with him as long as you did, so you should marry him. I wish you a lifetime of happiness. All my love, Maura x'

X

Pulling her underwear up and her dress down, Maura kissed the woman in front of her. She waved her hand and headed out of the bathroom stall. Back out in the club, Maura grabbed a cocktail and ambled over to a table in the corner. She was sick of being herself, of returning to the world where sex was just sex and people didn't matter. Every night for the last week she'd been out, if only to push the pain from her heart long enough to get through each day. She opened up her cell and scrolled down to Jane's last message.

'Its complicated. Everythings so fucked up. I dont know how to be with you right now. I slept with Danny last night so I dont expect you to wait for me. Ive not been fair to you. You deserve happiness and if thats not with me then I understand'

She regretted each person she'd slept with since reading Jane's message, if only because she knew she should have been stronger than that. She should have been able to stop herself from moving on. She didn't want to move on, she wanted Jane.

A tall man with floppy dark hair slid into the space beside her. He held out a small bag with two pills inside. "You look like someone who could use some fun."

After everything, her whole world felt like it was crumbling. She'd failed her last assignment. Every time she spoke to her father, he was angrier than usual. She hated how much she loved Jane, how much she'd broken because of her. She took the bag and placed one of the tablets onto her tongue, before sipping her drink and swallowing it.

"I'm Kenny," he said, swallowing the second pill.

He slung an arm around her shoulder. "I'm Chelsea."

He stood up and held his arm out to her. She took it and allowed him to pull her across the dance floor. They moved to the music as it filled her body with the beat, and the sounds. She swayed back and forth, grinding herself against Kenny. They moved together. He kissed her. She unbuckled his belt, ignoring the very public space that they were in. She reached her hand into his underwear as the music stopped, the lights came on, and everything started spinning.

Maura moved away. The lights were so bright, she rubbed at her eyes. She searched the crowd. Every pair of eyes was on her, every person was whispering so loud that she could hear it. People ran in her direction, flying past her at lightning speed until the room had emptied out.

Excepting the half-a-dozen police officers. The man she'd sold the bag of drugs to just a few hours earlier was already in cuffs. Her father was going to kill her. Her heart raced in her chest with such speed it felt like she was having a heart attack. She ran forward but the world spun, and she landed on the floor. She looked up to find a police officer staring down at her.

"I need to see your purse, Ma'am."

She shook her head, clutching it close. "No. My father will be angry. Don't let him do it to me again."

The man rested a hand on her shoulder. "Ma'am, it's okay. We just need to know who has been dealing."

She fought against him as he tugged at her purse. But her heart felt like it was going to beat its way out of her chest, and she couldn't hold it any longer.

"This is a lot of cash," the officer said, holding up a pile of notes. Maura reached for them, but he pulled them away. He wrapped a hand around her elbow and dragged her to her feet. "You're gonna have to come with us."

She pulled back, trying to get away. "Kill me before my father does."

"Ma'am, it will be easier for you if you don't resist."

"I'll fucking resist if I want to fucking resist," she shouted, punching him in the face. For a moment she thought she'd missed, but her knuckles ached, and the man was stumbling backwards.

Another pair of hands restrained her, forcing her hands behind her back as a pair of handcuffs were put on her wrists. The voice was so close, but it felt a long way off.

"Maura, what the fuck did you take? We have to arrest you. We have no choice. Don't say anything, I'll let your dad know what's happened."

"I'll take her." The officer rubbed at his swollen lip and pulled Maura away.

She turned to the voice as he forced her away and saw Jane's face. She opened her mouth to speak but she couldn't find the words, and deep down she knew that it was safer not to say Jane's name.

"Thank you, lady," she shouted.

X

The rock hard bed in the cell was impossible to sleep on. Maura counted herself lucky that she was high on drugs at the time of her arrest because she knew that had she not been out of control and violent, she might have ended up in a cell with others. Her head ached. Her mouth felt dry. She was glad it was morning. But in the cold light of day, everything felt ten times worse.

"Doyle." She stood up as the cell door opened. A man she didn't recognise, but suspected had probably booked her in, stared at her. "Your ticket out of here has arrived."

She followed him out of the cell. He returned to her a plastic bag with her belongings inside, minus the money she'd collected.

"She leaving?"

Jane appeared in the doorway. She smiled at the officer and sent a grimace in Maura's direction. She wanted to believe it was genuine, but deep down she could see that Jane was playing the charade.

"Yeah, lucky girl got a Get Out of Jail Free card."

He unlocked the door that led to the corridor which took her to the street and waved her through. She walked slowly, listening to their exchange.

"Any idea why?" Jane asked.

"What do you think?" He scoffed. "Paddy Doyle's daughter? She has friends in high places. I can guarantee the evidence will be missing by tomorrow and the assault charge won't be spoken about again. Bad luck for Officer Godden."

X

A couple of painkillers, and two large glasses of water later were not enough to stop a loud knock at the door to the apartment from hurting. Maura strolled across the room and opened the door; her eyes grew wide as she saw Jane standing on the other side.

"Oh. You're here."

Jane smile was far more genuine than her earlier grimace. Maura wanted nothing more than to kiss her, to wrap her arms around her and tell her how much she loved her. She hesitated.

"I thought it was time we talked," Jane said, walking into the apartment.

Maura nodded and waved her through the apartment and out onto the balcony. "Chelsea and her boyfriend made up a few days ago. He's not left since; they're in her room. I think we should have enough privacy out here."

They stood side by side for a moment. Silence was not something that had become easy for them yet, and it felt even worse considering the last week.

"I've had time to think," Jane said, staring out across the city. "Things have got…complicated. But it's…"

"I'm a mess," Maura said, cutting her off. She turned to face her, to look into her eyes as she spoke so fast she couldn't breathe. "I'm a mess without you and I knew this would happen. I knew that if I got close then I would fall apart if things didn't work out. But I didn't listen to myself. I can't be myself around people because of him. You were the first person…and I fucked it all up. Even if we could fix this, you don't want to, I can see it in your eyes. You hate what my father has done to you, and I hate him for doing that. But it doesn't change what has happened. I killed someone Jane. I murdered him."

"You didn't."

The softness on Jane's face confused her. She nodded her head. "I did."

Jane shrugged. "Paddy Doyle did that. He made you feel like it was you, but it wasn't."

"It was my finger on the trigger. It was my hand on the gun."

"The man that died was a detective."

Maura narrowed her eyes. The words hovered for a moment as she tried to process them. Jane's voice was so calm, it unsettled her.

"I was involved in the operation where we found his body. When you told me what happened I freaked out. It was my two worlds colliding and it scared me, Maura. I'm scared of what all of this means for my future." She edged forward, cupping Maura's cheeks. "But I don't want to let you go. I can't. You mean too much to me. When I told you that I loved you, I meant it. When I told you I'd sooner Paddy kill me than be without you, I meant it. I can't do this without you. You have to fight for us."

Maura felt her heart break as she responded. "I slept with six people since we were last together."

"So?"

A breath caught in her throat. "You're not mad?"

"You don't owe me your fidelity." Jane brushed her thumbs across her cheeks. "I've been sleeping with a man I've grown to loathe since long before the day we met."

Maura lowered her head. "You being with him…it made it easier."

"Why?"

"Because it meant what we had couldn't be real, not really real, I was just a bit on the side. I wasn't forever." She looked up again, stared into her eyes. "I'm scared of being forever. But you make me want to be brave."

"Then let's be brave," Jane said, taking her hands and holding them between them. "Tomorrow I'll end things with Danny, and we can start new. Together."