AN: Only two chapters tonight, just in case anyone is scan reading this as a refresher, I've started making some big changes to book 2 especially in terms of the BDSM elements and the time scale of the big incident at the start was a bit screwed up when I re-read it so I've had to make some adjustments there too. Tomorrow the last two chapters of this book will be uploaded along with the first of the next book.
Chapter Twenty-One
"What are you doing here Christian?" Asked Ana as she stood looking more than a little worse for wear in her apartment door. Christian was looking as handsome as ever, but his face resembled that of an injured puppy.
"Why have you been ignoring me?" He asked, clearly hurt by Ana's rejection of all his calls and lack of response to all his texts.
Ana had been ignoring him, she didn't know what to do or say to him. Naturally, she was hurt to learn about Christian's relationship with the Prime Minister and while she was angry with the PM for being a child abuser she was also absolutely furious with Christian for not telling her. However, she'd been unable to figure out how to confront him about it, how to bring it to his attention that she knew. It wasn't like she could pick up the phone and have a conversation about it. She was also aware of how he disarmed her, stopped her in her tracks and sometimes made it hard to think and to breathe and that made having a face to face conversation about it near on impossible. The key for her had been to have some distance, to calm down and gather her thoughts about it and so she had ignored him.
"I've been busy." Ana shrugged.
"Looks like it." There was a smirk playing on his lips, it was obvious by the fact Ana was in her pyjamas with matted hair at three in the afternoon she had been extremely busy. "Can I come in?"
"The place is a mess." Ana stated and Christian frowned, he didn't care about mess. Ana rolled her eyes, sighed dramatically, and walked back into the living room leaving the door open for Christian to follow her inside. She didn't want him there, not right now, not while she was coming to terms with what she had learned. However, she did want him there too, she wanted him to tell her that everything would be ok.
Christian glanced around the room as he entered, she was right it was a mess. Days old newspapers were piled up on one of the couch seats, the end table was covered in House of Commons files and papers. The coffee table that had been removed from its usual place under the TV was now by the couch with a used plate and glass as well as more papers and chocolate wrappers.
Ana didn't look much better than the apartment, her hair was scraggly to start with and it wasn't like her 'just fucked' look that he was used to. Her eyes were deep with dark bags beneath them. He could tell it had been days since she'd done any kind of self-care. It hurt to see her like this.
"What do you want?" Ana asked crossing her arms across her chest. She wasn't in the mood for this today, she was still facing the media backlash from her sacking a few days ago and having lost her security as a consequence of losing her job she wasn't comfortable going outside out of fear she'd get mobbed by the press. Plus, everything with Elena Lincoln… that was killing her, she didn't know how to deal with it, she didn't know what to do or say about it.
"To see my girlfriend." He replied as though she should have known that. "Ana it's been too long, I've missed you." Christian explained, hoping that she wasn't about to break up with him because that was the impression he was getting from her.
"You've missed me?" Ana asked quietly, feeling a knot of guilt in her stomach.
"Yes, and I've been worried sick about you, it's a hell of a thing getting information about the person you love from the TV and newspapers especially knowing that a lot of what they're posting is probably bullshit."
Ana sighed and scratched her nail against her eyebrow. She was realising she'd been a bit of a bitch not contacting Christian. The guilt was already beginning to suffocate her. She could have at least sent him a text message to let him know what had happened. However, she was cross with him. He'd not told her that the Prime Minister had been the person who'd molested him. Didn't he think she needed to know that? Her not contacting him had been her way of retaliating, may have been a little childish, but she needed him to know he'd hurt her.
"What the hell is wrong Ana?" Christian asked, her face was dark, he could see she was stressed and struggling and he somehow knew that was not only because of her sacking. Ana would take that kind of issue in her stride. So, there was something else going on. He looked so confused, a little lost puppy who was clearly very worried about her.
"I was called in to see the PM." Ana started realising she might as well get it off her chest though it made her stomach churn. "I was given the most humiliating dressing down, then she sacked me." Ana's nostrils flared and tears of absolute frustration built in her eyes. "Oh, she threw me a scrap, told me if I pulled it together then maybe there would be a new position for me in the re-shuffle." She laughed maniacally. Christian cocked his head and narrowed his eyes, he wasn't sure where this was going. He knew Ana, this wasn't about the sacking.
He waited patiently. He could see that she wasn't finished and could see that whatever was coming next was the epitome of whatever it was that had her hiding in her apartment, having not showered or changed out of her pyjamas since she'd lost her job. She was shaking her head, her lips pursed as though she was trying to hold it all back, and inside, he was willing her to open-up to him.
"I caught sight of a picture, right next to the door as I was leaving. You know, I have even started to believe that it might have been put there on purpose. Right in my fucking eyeline." Ana was frothing at the mouth now, but Christian's eyes sunk to the floor, his head bowing, the realisation hit him. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?!" She yelled. Oh yeah, she knew. "Don't you think I had the fucking right to know that the Prime Minister of this country is a fucking child molester?! My boss sexually abused my fucking boyfriend?"
"Ana… it wasn't like that." He muttered, he knew he deserved her anger for not telling her that the woman who had taken him in, cared for him, and yes introduced him to BDSM was the Prime Minister. But he couldn't cope with her calling her a child molester. That wasn't what she was. She'd rescued him in so many ways, given him a home, comfort and in her own weird way even love.
"Christian you were fifteen years old and she had you trussed up like a turkey and beat you for her sexual gratification. What if it was your fifteen-year-old daughter and a man was treating her like that?"
Christian stopped still. Ana had a point if anyone touched his fifteen-year-old daughter like that… he'd kill them. He raised his head slowly to look at her, she was bright red, sweat shined on her face. He didn't know what to do, slipping his hands into his pockets he looked back at the floor.
"She saved my life Ana. I was headed down a dark path." Christian sighed, Ana had a point, but he did too. He was grateful to Elena, he always would be. But he knew Ana would never understand that because she hadn't walked a mile in his shoes. She didn't know the full extent of what it had been like for him living on the streets, doing all he could just to stay alive.
"She could have done that without using you as a fucking sex slave Christian." Ana spat. "You say she saved you, but she didn't do that for you. She saw a vulnerable boy and knew she could take advantage of him."
"Ana please." Christian winced, he couldn't deal with this. She could hate Elena all she wanted but he couldn't ever turn on her, the woman had rescued him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Ana asked taking a step closer to Christian now, her anger was starting to dissipate because she could see how vulnerable Christian looked, he couldn't look at her, his eyes stayed glued to the floor and that hurt her.
"Because I was worried about what you would do with the information." Christian admitted feeling weak.
"You thought I'd sell the story?" Her eyes almost burst from their sockets, he should have known her better than that surely!
"No!" He shouted, and he started tugging at his hair, the frustration palpable. "Jesus no. I was worried you would confront her or quit or something. I just didn't know how you'd cope with the knowledge when we talked about it." Christian had always intended to tell her the truth when he thought she'd be able to handle it. It was never his intention to keep it from her forever but seeing her change, learn and grow around him he knew that she wasn't ready yet, she had a way to go before she could handle the dark and twisted truth of his past relationship with the woman who was running the country.
"I deserved to know." Ana said quietly, her shoulders drooping. She felt deceived, he knew that Elena Lincoln was her boss, he knew she had been having weekly meetings with her and that she had been answerable to her as the PM. Yet, he'd kept this little bit of information from her, denied her the truth.
"I know. I'm sorry Ana, I really am." Christian closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around Ana, needing, at last, to feel her, to hold her, and comfort her. Now he knew why she'd been ignoring him, why she wouldn't text or call. He was glad it was out though, he would no longer have to hide it and feel guilty for having a secret.
"I hate her." Ana whispered. "I almost turned back and attacked her when I realised. She said she raised you as a son. You don't fuck your son. I don't think she knew that I knew about your start in BDSM."
"No, she probably didn't." Christian replied and Ana pulled away to look at him, there was obviously more to this. "She's been supporting me financially, on the condition I keep quiet." Christian explained.
"Jesus." Ana said bringing her hands to her face, she couldn't cope with this. "Still?"
"Yes." Christian replied. "A lot of the politician's believe that they're keeping me quiet with their financial gifts."
"You're being paid off by more?" Ana asked her eyes wide once again, Christian nodded weakly. "Fucking hell Christian." She cupped her forehead with her hand as her mind raced wildly. How on earth… Jesus… this was surreal, he was being paid off by people she knew and worked with, to keep their dirty little secrets. She gulped at the lump in her throat, fearing she'd spew the little food she'd eaten that morning.
"For years I didn't think anything wrong with it if I'm honest, I never asked for the money off any of them, they would pay me for the scenes or the training then the money would continue to come." Christian explained scuffing his feet along the floor. "Some of them stop after a while, other's have been paying me off for years."
Ana blew out a breath, this was information she wasn't sure she could cope with. Knowing he did the scenes and the training was one thing, knowing his continued silence was being bought was another.
"Just forget about it Ana, it's not important." Christian said looking at the floor rather than at her. Ana knew he was embarrassed about it, he was ashamed, but it did matter.
"It is though." Ana sighed, scratching her eyebrow once again.
"No, it isn't, as I said I didn't ask for the money. And I have absolutely no intention of speaking out about any of them. It's their choice to continue to send me money. If anything, they risk it coming out more by doing so." Christian explained hurriedly hoping Ana would be able to let it go.
"Do you survive on the money they pay you?" Ana asked awkwardly. She needed to know, because if they were to have any kind of future together… she didn't want to live on blackmail money.
"No. Most of it has been saved up for my future." Christian admitted. "I always thought it would be worth having some funds for a house and if I ever had a family."
"Ok. Can you block the payments?" Ana asked trying to think calmly and rationally about this, she didn't want to lose Christian forever, but she had to make sure that this didn't tar their relationship any further.
"What do you mean, tell the bank to stop the money from being able to come into my account?" Christian asked his head tilting as he looked at her. Ana nodded, she didn't want him to be living on money sent by these people, even if it was payment for services that he had once given. She didn't want to think about their future and living on money for his sexual services. "I guess I could." He shrugged.
"Please do that." Ana begged. "I don't want to think of us living on that money."
"Done. I'll go by the bank tomorrow and sort it all out." Christian replied gently. "Please Ana, it's all behind me now. You're the only one that matters to me."
"I know." Ana nodded sadly, she did know because there was no fight from him about any of this. If he didn't love her, didn't want to be with her forever, then he would have argued against her and he wasn't. "I just…it's been a crazy time and I just don't know how to handle it."
Christian stroked his hand down Ana's face, he could see the stress and strain of all this on her. Deep bags hung under her eyes, she was paler than usual, a sickly grey colour. She'd lost weight in her face too, that worried him, she didn't have weight to lose.
"I'm going to run you a bath." Christian said his Dom voice appearing. Ana smiled slowly, this is what she needed, Christian to take control of the situation now that they'd had the conversation.
"Thank you." Ana reached out to him and he took her in his arms and kissed her head.
"Go and get some clean clothes, I'll go and run it for you."
Half an hour later Ana was sitting in the hot water, her knees under her chin while Christian washed her hair. It was heaven and she knew she had been stupid for not talking to Christian sooner, she had needed him to take care of her through this. But he was here now and she was beyond thankful for that.
"Don't ever shut me out like that again Ana. I couldn't bear it." Christian said quietly as he massaged the shampoo into a foamy lather on her head.
"I'm sorry. I panicked." Ana replied her voice breaking as she spoke. "I didn't know what to do with myself with everything going on. But I promise, next time there is something I'll talk to you straight away about it."
"Thank you, it's all I want." Christian breathed before standing to grab the showerhead so he could rinse her hair, glad to be where he belonged and taking care of his love.
Ana just enjoyed the feel of Christian taking care of her. It wasn't sexual but it was them. Him taking charge when she needed him to. Damn, she'd missed this so much, her chest ached as she thought about her stupidity. She was definitely his submissive, no one else in the world could make her give them complete control in the ways she did to Christian and how much peace it bought her when she completely gave herself to him. If anything, the opposite applied to her day to day life. At work, she had to be in control of everything, what she said, what she did and how she looked and it was incredibly stressful. With Christian, she could let him worry about all of that and take a step back. Breathe a little. It made her feel free. Being apart from him, she had felt so out of control, like nothing made sense anymore. She'd put that down to being fired and learning the truth about the PM but the truth was it was being apart from him, not having him there to be in control for the time she needed him to.
After she was washed and dressed, Christian lovingly dried her hair with a towel. Ana was comforted by the small act of kindness and love and she realised she couldn't imagine life without Christian in it anymore. Her heart ached at the mere thought of not having him with her in the future. She wanted him, only and always him.
Christian felt exactly the same, the few days that had been where Ana had been ignoring him had been hell on earth. It had nearly destroyed him. He'd never imagined falling head over heels in love with someone and he most certainly had never anticipated being so in love with someone that he was dependent on them to be there for him. It had made one thing easy for him though, something that had been on his mind ever since they'd left the dungeon and he knew he wanted Ana to be his forever.
"So I have something I want to talk to you about." Christian said as he folded the towel up. Ana who had been sitting cross-legged on the bed with her back to him turned around to face him, feeling this was important and needed her full attention. "Do you know what the significance is of collaring a submissive?"
"What like when we play?" Ana asked frowning, this was a weird question.
"No. I mean an everyday collar." Christian said and Ana shook her head, she didn't know anything about an everyday collar. "Well, it can be used as a sign of a committed relationship, a committed Dominant and submissive relationship. I mean, we have that don't we, we have moments like this in our life where we're Dominant and submissive without the sexual side of it."
"I think those moments have become more and more as our relationship has progressed." Ana agreed. "I mean, you don't have the same rules like only speaking when spoken too and stuff but there's an element of it all the time."
"Exactly." Christian nodded with a reassuring smile. "Well collaring a submissive is a mark of that, some say it's like an engagement ring, a mark of commitment, others will go so far as to say it's like a wedding ring. It is the highest honour for a Dominant to have someone wear their collar. It's the highest honour for a submissive to wear the collar. It symbolises the submissive giving their heart and soul to their Dominant and the Dominant holding those, protecting them and keeping them safe. It is the most incredible gift for both, for a Dominant he has the gift of the submissive, their respect. For a submissive it's the gift of protection, that safety they feel with their Dominant. There are different kinds of course, different rules for different stages of a relationship but it doesn't need to be that complex really, it's down to each couple what they want it to mean, what they want it to symbolise."
"Ok." Ana nodded, not sure where this was going at all.
"I would like you to think about this. What it would be like to wear my collar. I think we're almost there, at that stage. If you were to choose to wear my colour it would be a sign of a real commitment to each other, that we are so much more than what we have been. Christian said making Ana's eyebrows shoot up in surprise, she didn't know what to think right now. "You have given yourself to me so completely Ana, I never thought I'd experience anything like it. You don't question the way I am, just accept it. You know how much I need to take care of you but you also see how much you need taking care of too. Remember in your office, when you kneeled for me. I needed to protect you that day and you needed to feel safe, you didn't question my direction, just accepted it and allowed me to care for you. That is a sign of so much more than just a sexual BDSM relationship. You know too how much I respect your submission to me, that I don't take it for granted, that I will always cherish it, protect it and you completely."
"I remember." Ana smiled softly, peeking at him a little shyly through her long eyelashes. "I love that aspect as much if not more than the sexual side. Like now having you give me a bath and caring for me, it means so much more to me than the sex. Though, the sex is pretty amazing." Ana giggled, her eyes sparkling, she loved sex with Christian, and when he took control.
"I don't ever want to imagine my life without you in it, without us like this. I want to take care of you forever, to be your Dominant, to be the person who cares for you, protects you and meets your needs." Christian continued confidently, Ana could feel the love in every word he was saying and it made her heart race and her palms sweat. "I want you to think about it, think about giving me that commitment."
"Ok." Ana nodded, rolling her lips together. "I can do that." Realising that he had already thought about it and it was a commitment he wanted to make with her, she knew she would have to really think about whether or not she was ready for this.