Chapter 23: Letting Go
I watch my Thief with the memories of his friends.
He is sad. Sad and in pain.
Every time he is sad, he thinks his world must be ending.
Like a child, he kicks and screams, or plops down stubbornly on the ground, refusing to more forward.
He is afraid.
After all this time, my clever Thief, do you still not see?
And he has seen so many endings, just in this one lifetime... He doesn't like endings.
It has made him tired.
He wants to rest and he thinks that must be the same as death, that to stop moving is to die.
No, Thief, even for you that is not true.
If you are tired, rest.
If you are sad, I will take you to places which will make you smile again.
If you are lonely, I will find you friends.
I will always be here.
I will wait while you run about in your shining Universe and I will open my doors for you when you come back home.
My Thief. My Doctor.
One day perhaps you will see what I see...
You are so afraid of endings.
But, Thief…
Endings look so very much like beginnings.
The memories of his friends vanish, back to their own ship up above.
And he comes back to me at last.
He is weary.
He and I are both torn at the seams, both at a breaking point.
'What will you do, my Thief? Have you forgotten?'
I show him a picture of our Universe. I can feel it beckoning, just as he does.
"Oh, there it is," he acknowledges. "The silly old Universe. The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill."
He is talking to me again, listening. That is good.
'So many more things for you and me to do… And what of our Boy and his Impossible Girl? Do you suppose they will watch over the Universe in your memory? How will that go, do you think?'
"Yes, yes, I know they'll get it all wrong without me," he agrees wearily.
He wavers.
Still unwilling to commit to a future he cannot quite see right now.
'For me, then, Thief. Live for me.'
And he is convinced.
"I suppose one more lifetime wouldn't kill anyone," he sighs. But he is happy again. He trusts a new beginning will follow the ending, as it always has. "Well, except me."
'And me, Thief. We shall do this together, as we have so many times before.'
My systems are on the verge of catastrophe, as they have been since I took my Thief to his own past.
I have held everything in place, waiting for his decision.
Just as he has.
Soon we shall both break and be made anew.
But he has things to say, my Doctor.
Last words.
I listen, knowing how important this is to him.
"You wait a moment, Doctor," he says. "Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you."
His future self looks back on this moment from so close now.
"Basic stuff first: Never be cruel, never be cowardly."
He thinks of the end of the War, of a little boy in the dark.
"And never, ever eat pears!"
He thinks of the Impossible Girl and smiles.
I smile, too.
"Remember, hate is always foolish and love is always wise."
He thinks about soldiers on a battlefield, shaking hands.
"Always try to be nice," he says, thinking of all the times he forgot this, "but never fail to be kind."
My Thief has learned so much in this lifetime, I think proudly.
"Oh, and you mustn't tell anyone your name," he says, his mind drifting, his body failing. He thinks of his last regeneration, of this body's beginning.
"No one would understand it, anyway... Except…"
He falls.
'Now, Thief. It must be now.'
"Except children. Children can hear it sometimes. If their hearts are in the right place, and the stars are too, children can hear your name…"
Yes, Thief...
You and I and your First Friend, we rebuilt this Universe together.
How could your name not be out there among the trees and the stars and the shining, murmuring oceans?
"But nobody else. Nobody else, ever." I feel his enormous force of will as he drags himself back for one last moment of focus.
"Laugh hard," he says.
And he sees Clara, laughing at the world.
"Run fast."
And he sees his own childhood, red fields under twin suns.
"Be kind."
And he sees his First Friend, so unexpectedly kind.
"Doctor," he says, now speaking to his present self. "I let you go."
And he does.
I hold on a little longer, just seconds, just to be sure she is safe.
Then I, too, must let go.
I loved 12's farewell speech, and filling in some TARDIS POV around those lines was a delightful experience and much easier than I expected. 12 is one of my all-time favorite Doctors, so I also had trouble letting him go... #WorkingOutMyFeelingsThroughFic
To those of you on the fence about watching Jodie Whittaker: she's worth the time. Her first season is a little rough but she grows into the role as she goes, so stick with it. 13 is fun and Chibnall writes in almost as many continuity references as I do. (No small feat!)
... Maybe skip the spider episode. ;)