A/N: Welcome back! This was one of my favorite songs when I was younger and I just love this idea and fitting it into the canon of season 4. This takes place primarily around the time of Guilty Pleasures, but also take into consideration other canon events in season 4. It's still a little AU though. Nothing I do is ever strictly canon let's be honest.
Song: Things I'll Never Say: Avril Lavigne
Lyrics: "I don't do me any good, it's just a waste of time. What us is it to you, what's on my mind."
Summary: Blaine knows he's falling hard and fast, but he hopes no one notices. Because the pain in his chest is still too great and the loneliness is all-encompassing. He knows he's projecting, but he can't help it. All Blaine wants is to be loved.
Rating: T- This one is going to be pretty angsty. Some mentions of sexual situations and a "blink and you'll miss it" mention of self-harm it's very slight no more than 2-3 sentences. Basically, this is Blaine internally coming to terms with his crush on Sam from season 4 and his internal struggle with his emotions during that time.
The predatory gay. Blaine had been called that before in his life. So, when he starts having those feelings for a boy who is straight, he pushes them down. Because no one wants to be the predatory gay. It starts a few weeks after the breakup, he's given himself time to heal and be with friends. He's finally laughing again, joking again, being a part of society again. He's no longer just locked in his room hopelessly pining over Kurt. Yes, his heart still hurts and the guilt still heavy, but he can actually function again. He doesn't feel like he's constantly drowning.
It gets worse when he finally unloads everything he's been thinking onto Sam. "I cheated on him!" He found the words spilling out in front of the lockers and pushes his head back against them. No one really knew what happened when Blaine visited New York. All they knew was that he hadn't come to school Thursday or Friday and when he returned, so did Finn, and the two barely looked at each other and never spoke directly to each other, even for glee business. Finally saying it and getting it off his chest was a relief, but then the terror sets in. Because now Sam knows what he did, Sam knows who he is, and Sam can judge him. But Sam doesn't, he doesn't judge him. He just pulls him in for a hug, tells him he's not an awful human being and assures him that he won't tell anyone else in glee club. Blaine thanks him and decides to skip the rest of the day, it's just too much for him. Later in the year, he will pinpoint this moment as the moment is started. The moment when he stopped looking into Sam's green-blue eyes and seeing a brother.
It only got worse from there. Every move, every impression, every dance move, every touch is magnified for Blaine in a way he doesn't know how to deal with. He's on guard every moment of every day trying not to let his own body betray him. That's what happened in Westerville, his body had a natural reaction to another boy and that was the end of him. 3 months after that he was beaten almost to death with his Sadie Hawkins date. Every time he thinks he might open his mouth to tell someone about the feelings that are growing he shuts it quickly. Because he remembers, you can't be the predatory gay.
Thanksgiving comes and goes, they lose at sectionals, but it doesn't matter to Blaine because for the first time in months he can breathe again. The call from Kurt he took backstage is what keeps him going at night. The infrequent texts he gets during the week keeps him motivated. But then he sees Sam, and the blonde is there and Blaine is lonely. He knows he loves Kurt, there's never been a question about it. But, Sam is there and Kurt isn't. The feelings don't go away, they only get stronger. The only reprieve Blaine has is at night when in the dark he reads Kurt's text messages and focuses on those clear blue eyes. He imagines Kurt there with him, wrapped up in him, giving himself over to the raw emotions he knows they both still feel. He falls asleep with Kurt's name on his lips, stifling moans so his parents don't hear him, even though he knows they probably aren't home. In those moments he can almost forget about Sam, the blonde hair and blue-green eyes fade into the back of his mind. It never lasts long enough.
He scares himself when the calendar shoot comes up because he can't stop his physical reactions. This time, it isn't just to Sam and that terrifies him. All of the guys in glee club are really good looking he just hasn't ever noticed it before. He had never let his eyes wander before. Now he lets himself look, lets his eyes wander over the guys in the locker room with him, lets himself think about what it would be like to run his hand's overs abs and defined shoulders. He knows he shouldn't think about it, but he needs to. He's neglected himself too much lately and now it's coming to a boiling point. He feels himself press against the small costume the other guys have given him and he pushes himself back into the corner of the locker room, willing himself to calm down before any of the others take notice. To them, this calendar shoot is nothing, just a way to impress the girls. They've all forgotten about Blaine's preferences and he's thankful for that. He knows, though, that one wrong move, one slip up and they'll remember. So, he tries to stop his eyes from wandering again by thinking about Kurt and Dalton and all of his past memories. It isn't enough and he knows he needs more. More texts, more skype calls… just more.
But now Kurt is being distant again, and he knows that he's seeing Adam because Santana told him. That means Blaine has less to think about at night, so his brain goes back to Sam. He terrifies himself when in the middle of the night trying to relieve some of his pent-up stress he says Sam's name. It's the first time he's let his mind wander that far from Kurt and it does truly terrify him. He doesn't go to school the next day, pretending he's sick because he can't face his friends in the hallway. He feels like his heart is on display and somehow they'll all see through him, they'll all know what he's done.
He tells Tina at Sadie Hawkins because he has to. Because that dance brings up too many memoirs and he's scared someone will figure out how he feels about Sam and that he'll end up with a cracked skull again. Tina just smiles at him and says it's okay. She tells him that sometimes you have feelings for someone who just can't love you back, and then her eyes glaze over and Blaine knows he's lost her. At least she doesn't think he's being predatory. His night before the dance he can't sleep. He closes his eyes and he's back in 8th grade, clutching his head and trying to will his date to stay alive. Sometimes it's his date from middle school, other times it's Kurt, and in his last nightmare its Sam. Blaine's eyes fly open and he cries out. His mom is there that night and comes to his side. He tells her what he's dreaming about and she gives him a sedative, a doctor for a parent is sometimes a good thing. The last thing he remembers dreaming is Kurt and Sam becoming one being and him closing his eyes to kiss the figure in front of him, opting not to look at who is standing there. In that moment he can't make his subconscious choose, because he's afraid of what the answer might be. He's afraid he might be moving on, but that heartbreak has made him jaded. That heartbreak has made him predatory. That word rings in his ears the entire Sadie Hawkins dance, in the back of his mind he still hears that bullies voice, "you're a predatory homo, Anderson, you won't ever be anything else."
The wedding makes him even more confused than he already was. Because now Kurt isn't' just a voice, he isn't' just a text message or an image on a computer screen. Now, Kurt is actually there in front of him. He looks good like he's happy with his life. Blaine knows he himself looks like a shell; Tina's been telling him that for weeks. "You need to eat, Blaine." "Do you want to do some boxing again, Blaine?" "Blaine, you need to do something other than just lay in bed all weekend." He's a zombie and he knows it, he just hopes Kurt can't see through him. Kurt doesn't, or maybe he does. But Blaine can't bring himself to ask. For a fleeting moment, he's acting like a real teenager again. He isn't embarrassed about getting caught by Mercedes in the car, if fact, it's exhilarating. The lingering looks and subtle touches, it's all things that he's missed the last few months. So, against what his mind tells him he falls and falls hard. He lets his emotions take over in a car, pulling Kurt down easily on top of him. "Wait, this doesn't mean we're back together, right?" Blaine's breathe catches in his throat and his heart feels like it's breaking, but he plasters on a sexy smirk and just says the first things that comes to his mind, "no of course not, it's just…" he stutters for a moment. "Bros helping bros!" He thinks that it came out too easy, that Kurt will see right through it. If he does, he doesn't mention it. "I love it when you talk fratty." Blaine knows it's a bad idea and he's only saved by Mercedes knocking on the door talking about how trashy it is. He smirks, buckles his belt back up, and although he feels hollow inside, he knows that this is for the best. They aren't together and he knows… he knows that if he sleeps with Kurt today that nothing is ever going to be the same. He'll be even more broken than he is now, and he's already simply put back together with scotch tape.
Blaine knows it's a bad idea, but he sees everyone else falling back in line. He cries when Mr. Schue gets left at the alter because he feels that heartbreak so deeply and he knows that he's vulnerable and that he should just go home, but he doesn't. After their song together, he knows that Tina cornered Kurt. He sees them off in his peripheral vision, he knows Tina is going off on him. Because she's been there, she has helped scotch tape the shattered pieces of what was left of him back together. But, he can't seem to care that he's setting himself up for heartbreak again.
It's intoxicating. All he wants is Kurt, even if it's only for a few hours. He'll risk it all to just feel loved by him one more time. When he sees Tina run away and Kurt follows, he chuckles to himself. He goes to retrieve Kurt, mouthing a "thank you" to Tina but boring his eyes into her, silently saying 'just let me have this tonight.' Tina just rolls her eyes and stalks away, he knows he's going to get shit for this at school on Monday, but he can't find it within himself to care. He knows where this is going, he knows what he's going to feel like in the morning, but he doesn't care; truly he can't care because then he won't do it. He's not like Kurt, he can't separate his emotions with this. But, he can't say no either.
Later that night when Kurt pulls him into a hotel room by his tie and they fall into bed he lets everything float away. Everything he's been worrying about pushes to the back of his mind and he lets' himself go. Of course, in the grand scheme of things, it only lasts a few moments. Then he's gone and Blaine is by himself again, the loneliness creeping back in. He cries himself to sleep in the hotel room. He doesn't go to school on Monday or Tuesday, knowing Kurt is still in Ohio with Rachel. He gets multiple messages from Tina and Sam, but he doesn't answer them. He's in too deep. He goes to school on Wednesday… Kurt is still there. He uses Tina as a buffer, plasters a smile on his face, and agrees to be "just friends" even though it kills him. He fools his friends and goes home and cries for the next week and a half; he doesn't hear from Kurt.
It all comes to a head during guilty pleasures week. Mr. Schue is away so the glee kids play, or something like that. He hears from Kurt on Saturday after a big storm rolls into New York. Something about how Santana made them watch Moulin Rouge and he heard Come What May and couldn't' stop thinking about them and crying. Blaine spends over an hour calming down his ex. Kurt ends up breaking it off with Adam and saying thank you to Blaine but hangs up on him. Any thoughts of getting back together are now in the back of his mind. It isn't happening.
He goes to glee club, he throws himself into the assignment, doing an incredibly fun Wham number and he thinks that's it; he's done his job. But, the feelings for Sam aren't' going away. Kurt's off the table again so in his dreams he sees Sam's eyes again. He knows he's projecting the feelings, but he can't stop them. He can't' stop being the predatory gay and he makes himself sick. He diminishes his feelings and he hurts himself, something he hasn't done in years. A sharp blade to exposed skin makes him feel alive, feel like less than a zombie. If he's honest with himself he'd admit that it's also a punishment. A punishment for what he did to Kurt and how he can't fix it, and a punishment for what he feels for Sam and how he can't help it.
When Sam first approaches him, he can't hold it in anymore. "Do you.. do you have feelings for me?" He's looking Sam directly in the eyes and letting it all bubble over. The "dude no," is all he needs to back off again, pretend he's joking. Because he's pretty sure he knows that look in Sam's eyes was disgust. All high school straight boys he's ever known are great until you have a crush on them… look at Kurt and Finn, that situation in the basement could easily become him and Sam. Sam is bigger and stronger, and Blaine knows what disgust and anger can lead to, he's been on the receiving end of it before he doesn't want to go back there.
He puts all of his energy into hiding his feelings. Tina knows because he's a zombie again. She says he should say something because he's making himself sick again. He says no and starts to push her away too. The end of the week comes and he sings Against All Odds. It's a song he knows well, he can put all his energy into it. It's also easy to pretend it's about Kurt. He tried not to stare the entire time, he tries to avoid Sam's eyes and not make it obvious. Of course, Tina knows so she stands in the silence and asks. He lies his ass off, saying it's about Kurt. He knows some of them buy it, but not everyone has to… just Sam. Bless the boy, he's cute and he's nice, but he isn't exactly smart or perceptive. He hopes that Sam doesn't notice, but he watches as the blonde walks out of the auditorium and throws him a look over his shoulder. He knows at that moment that it isn't over.
After school that day he's sitting at the piano thinking that maybe he'll do another song before the end of the week. This is the first time he's felt alive in months, and he's actually having fun despite his internal struggles. His spine stiffens when he feels Sam's hands on his shoulders. "Are you okay?" They talk for a few moments, Blaine can't even remember what he's saying, something about loving Phil Collins and wanting to do another song. None of it is lies but it's all surface. Because he can feel the 'I love you' bubble in his throat again, and he just can't say it. But, it's getting harder and harder to push it down.
"I know." Blaine's heart all but stops at the look is his best friend's eyes. "I get it, your guilty pleasure is me."
Blaine closes his eyes, waiting for the inevitable, but it never comes. Instead, he's wrapped in strong arms. Hugging was never their thing, but apparently now it is. He feels the hot tears streaming down his face as he mutters some apologies. "It's okay," he hears Sam whisper. "It's natural and it's okay. I'm not angry." That just makes him cry harder. Because he really can't believe that for once in his life this is happening.
"You don't think I'm predatory?" He all but whispers it, he needs to know. Sam looks at him and smiles sadly. The guy is more preceptive than Blaine gives him credit for. "You've heard that before?" Blaine just nods. "This doesn't make me think any less of you. If I'm honest, the attention is flattering." That makes Blaine laugh.
"Besides," Sam shrugs. "I know the attention isn't actually for me." He lets go of the shorter boy and begins to walk out of the auditorium. "It's for Kurt." Then he's gone and Blaine is alone again, but this time he's at peace.
He knows that Sam is right, the feelings were never for him. The feelings were for Kurt, misplaced but always for Kurt. He knew who he was now, and it was time to make Kurt believe him.
A/N: wow! That was longer than I've done in a while. But, I really love this idea and I couldn't let it go, especially with this song because it's the first one I think actually worked with it. Hope everyone is having a good day. I'll 'see' you all in the next chapter!