Peter glances at Neal as they drive home. Neal being super quiet was actually scaring him a bit. "Neal?" he asked, putting on his turn signal as he drove up to a light. "Neal?" He looked back over at his friend staring at his hands. Patting Neal's shoulder, he tries again, "Neal, buddy, you there?"
Neal looks up as if surprised he's in the car. "Hmm." said Neal, looking around seeming a bit confused. "Something wrong?"
"Just wondering if you're still with me over there. You make me far too nervous when you are that quiet." said Peter, turning and taking a quick glance at Neal before looking back at the road.
"I'm sorry Peter." said Neal, in a low voice. "Just off in my mind. You know how it is."
"I get it and if you ever need to talk, you know I'm around, right?" said Peter, alternating between watching the road and looking at Neal, who nodded. At some point he would have to tell Neal he would be seeing a therapist before he could return to work, but figured it could wait awhile as Neal was too out of it. "I'm here for you, Neal."
"I know, Peter." said Neal, thinking. "I'm just thinking about my life and things I have done."
"Wanting to confess to any crimes?" said Peter jokingly, hoping to get a bit of the regular Neal to show. "I'm sure a few museums would love to get some art back."
"Yeah, no, not confessing to anything that will get me more time." said Neal with a bit of his old laugh. "More just thinking about all the stuff I did and maybe why."
"Neal, you don't sound like yourself. Are you okay?" said Peter, pulling the car over next to a park. "Seriously, just talk to me." He removes his badge and ID from his pocket and lays it in Neal's lap. "Totally off the record for as long as you need to talk."
Neal plays with the badge for a moment. "What if I said I wasn't sure I still want my old life...I mean the cons and such." Neal said quietly, so low Peter could barely hear him. "Just with everything now I can't help but think about it."
Peter is stunned and isn't sure what to say. "I assume you are feeling regrets." said Peter. "You do know, no matter what you've done, you didn't deserve what happened, right?"
"Yeah I guess." said Neal. "But something I've done along with turning sides ticked someone off. You won't believe me, but I don't know, lately I keep thinking about what it would be like if I went straight. No dark side as Mozzie would put it."
"Well I think it would be easier in a lot of ways." said Peter, hating playing armchair psychologist. "Though I am not stupid and know it would likely also be hard. That's something you have to decide Neal, and a choice you have to make. I know you are a good man and I do have faith in you even if it seems like I don't sometimes." Thinking for a moment, "Neal I'm sorry about that day."
"I don't blame you Peter." said Neal, looking up at Peter, looking him straight in the eyes. "I never did for a moment. Maybe wished for you to find me quite a few times, but no blame. So don't blame yourself."
"But if I had only..." started Peter.
"Don't Peter, okay?" said Neal. "I don't want you to."
"Okay." said Peter, quietly, knowing he was lying to his friend. He would likely never be able to completely forgive himself. He couldn't help but think about all of what else Neal had said. He would be thrilled if Neal went straight and while he wanted to hear more about it, he decided not to push it. "How about I text El that we'll pick up some lunch and head home?"
"Sounds good Peter." said Neal as Peter texts El. "Can we just go home?" Peter nods as he puts his phone away and starts the rest of the drive back.