Winter

"Oooh, there you are!" JiMin cried as soon as he saw Holly and I rounding the bend in the sidewalk and approaching the bench he was sitting on. He jumped up and rushed over, bending to pet and coo at the puppy before he looked up and gave me a big smile, cheeks flushed with the cold, eyes sparkling. "Thanks for agreeing to meet outside. It's a nice sunny day, but it's still pretty chilly."
"No problem. I could use the fresh air and Holly loves going to parks," I replied as we walked over to sit on the bench.
"Can you let him off the leash?" he asked. "There aren't a lot of people here."
"Yeah. I brought a toy. Do you want to throw it?" I pulled the squeaky bone from my pocket and put it in his hand before I bent to unhook Holly's leash.
"Thanks. I want to know how you're feeling about Third Crush. I get the idea you're really holding back at work." He tossed the toy and we both smiled as Holly raced to get it. "Come on. You can be completely honest with me."
"I'm feeling like a badass. Like I'm completely unstoppable. I wish I could see the faces of all the people who told me I wouldn't make it when I was young and all the people who laughed and said I was crazy when I decided to put together a boy band. I want to say 'fuck you' to all of them."
Third Crush had won New Artist of the Year and the Music Video of the Year Awards. I'd tried to play down my reaction at Whizhaven. I didn't want the awards to go to the boys' heads and make them think they could ease off. They needed to push even harder to show everyone that they'd deserved the awards by winning even more next year.
"I knew it," he said with a laugh. "When I did Hobi's show last spring, there was some guy there with Baby Z Girls. He was talking so much shit about you and Third Crush backstage. I'd really like to run into him again just to rub it in his face."
"It was probably Park TaeMin. I think the boys' debut really interfered with the plans he had for charting Z Girls. Still, it makes no sense for him to talk shit. The numbers don't lie," I said.
"Tell me what you've been up to," he prompted as he played tug of war with Holly for the squeaky bone.
"I've been working out. I'll probably have a six pack any day now," I joked. "I've been going to the gym to work out every morning and playing basketball with some guys there on Saturdays. I'm really trying to fill my life with life, if that makes sense. Just doing a lot more things that aren't work. Things that are supposed to be fun."
"You're not really having fun?" he asked, concerned, turning his head to search my expression.
"Yeah, sometimes. It depends on what I'm doing. Working out is more about my health and wellbeing. It's supposed to kinda suck. I'm working on relaxing and enjoying the basketball and I always go out with some of the guys afterwards for breakfast. I'm trying to socialize and talk to people more outside of work. It isn't easy," I admitted. "And I've been painting. My mom showed me how."
"Painting? I want to see your paintings. Why haven't you sent me a picture?" he asked.
"Ah, well. I didn't say I was good," I answered. "It's just relaxing and it's nice to quietly focus on something. Once Holly stepped in some paint and got dark blue paw prints all over the place before I realized what was going on."
"Oh no! Holly, you bad boy," he accused in the sweetest voice, giving Holly vigorous pets and another toss of the toy as punishment.
"I tried to clean it up, but a lot of it is still there. I thought that maybe when we're living together again, you might want to redecorate the house. You should be the one to pick out the new flooring." My breath got caught in my throat as I waited for his answer. There was still this part of me that was waiting for him to tell me that he'd decided to move on, that he'd found so much inside of himself that he was no longer interested in me.
"That sounds fun," he said. "I think it'll be easier since I've practiced on my apartment and you'll be there to help me make decisions."
"Of course. How have things been going for you?" I asked, breathing a silent sigh of relief.
"I hit a rough patch. There are just so many bad memories and I started having really bad nightmares." I watched his profile. The way his lips compressed and turned down, his eyelids sweeping down to hide the expression in his eyes even though I couldn't see it anyway. "I'm taking some medicine now and it really helps. So, I haven't been having as many nightmares, but the bad memories...I'm just trying to deal with them as they come. I'm fighting them one by one, over and over."
I took his hand and gave his fingers a warm squeeze. "It hurts me to hear that. I don't like to think about you being alone and afraid or struggling so much. If it'll help, you can call me. I'll do my best to talk you through it. If you think that'll be okay."
"Yes," he said and he was moving towards me, hands reaching to cling. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him close. "I want that."
"JiMin," I gasped, emotions and thoughts raining down on me, tangling together.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I'm not supposed to need you, but it's so hard on my own."
"It's okay. I'm sorry." God, what had I done? Abandoned him to his issues, expected him to do everything on his own, withdrew my support when he needed me the most. My heart, already heavy at the idea of him struggling with his memories and nightmares, tightened painfully, awash in guilt and empathy. "I should never have sent you away. I'm so sorry."
"No. No. Just let me...just hold me for a minute."
I gathered him closer, held him tighter, threaded my fingers into his hair and tucked my face into his shoulder. His warmth. His scent. The feel of him. The tears that I'd managed to hold back escaped and fell on his neck, but I couldn't move to wipe them away. I wouldn't let him go. I couldn't stop thinking of him alone and in pain, couldn't stop silently cursing myself.
When he pulled away his eyes were dry and he was smiling at me. He reached up to wipe the tears from my face. "It's okay. Please don't cry. I'm glad you sent me away. I needed it. It isn't easy, but I know it's for the best."
He pressed his lips to mine in a chaste kiss, a kiss of comfort and support, warm and soft and quickly gone.
"I'm exaggerating. Kinda. I have people to talk to. I've got my therapist and I've been talking to my mom a lot. I'm just being selfish because they're not you and you're the one I really want. So don't be sad. I don't want to make you sad. Ever," he said. "But I do want to call you when I need someone to talk to. I really want that."
"Of course you can call me. Anytime. Every time."
"I think I'm going to ask my therapist first, just to make sure it's a good idea. Just to get her opinion. I just want to make sure I'm doing as many things right as possible. The more mistakes I make, the longer it'll take to get back to you," he said, his hand sliding over mine to thread our fingers together.
"We're in such a strange situation. I wonder if there's even a way to always know what's best." I stroked my thumb over his fingers, absorbing the feel of his skin.
"Probably not. She'll probably just ask me a lot of questions and make me come up with the decision myself, but she'll help me to get to the right answer," he said, humor in his voice, warm and happy. "I was talking to her about how you got a puppy and...well...plants came up. I don't know if you remember, but I had some plants when I lived with WonSeok."
"Yeah, I remember."
"Well, I guess I just have a lot of issues attached to plants now. Like, they were this one thing that I was taking care of that was mine, but even then WonSeok had control over them and sometimes he'd throw them when he got mad just to hurt me and then I was just going to leave them and I dumped them all over the bed…"
He stopped, rubbing his hands over his face and shaking his head. "They're just plants, right?"
"It's okay, JiMin-ah," I said, catching his hand and squeezing it. "I think I understand, at least a little."
"Anyway, I got a few plants and it's making my apartment happier. And I feel like I'm even more in control of my life and my space. Which maybe doesn't make any sense because I've been redecorating and that's control but somehow this is different. It feels like I'm somehow expanding...growing maybe. I'm not just taking care of the basics, I'm ready to do more." He turned to give me a big smile, proud and happy. "I guess like you and basketball."
I laughed and settled more comfortably on the bench, his hand still in mine. I could feel it now, the tug of gravity pulling us together, slowly but surely. And hope, warm and bright. I only had to wait, to keep moving forward, to try every day to improve just a little more and I would reach him. It was only a matter of time.