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Chapter 23
A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
Here is Chapter 23! Thank you all for the beautiful response on the previous chapter. My second favorite thing (after writing this story) is having conversations with you all about it. I could talk about these characters and these plotlines forever, so feel free to reach out in comments/PM or through social media.
Baseline trigger warnings in this chapter. Nothing too explicit, I don't think. The only thing I'd like to mention is a brief discussion of unwanted arousal/orgasm and what that means for reclaiming sex.
I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.
"I was going to ask about how talking to your parents went, but I'm obligated to ask about the injury to your face."
Alex felt Olivia stiffen beside her in the therapist's office, and immediately she knew that Liv had reacted as if the statement on Kimani's part had been an accusation, which it very well may have been. Both women knew that health care providers were mandatory reporters, and if Kimani suspected that Cabot was being abused by an intimate partner, she was obligated to report it to the appropriate authorities, which ironically in this case, would have been Olivia's squad.
Instinctually, the ADA's hand jumped to the other's woman's thigh, squeezing in comfort. The LMFT's facial expression was not at all judgmental or suspicious in nature; it was open, yet serious, and even if Kimani was asking Alex if Olivia had been the one to hurt her, Alex needed to assure her girlfriend that she knew that would never, ever be a possibility. So, she held the grip on the brunette's leg for several extended seconds, giving a soft smile to Kimani as she cuddled into Benson's side. The therapist didn't know them well yet, and it made perfect sense that she'd be careful around this particular relationship. Alex appreciated the woman's thoroughness, but she knew that it pained the person she loved to think that anyone would assume she was capable of this atrocious type of violence. "Well," she said quietly, grimacing at Liv's flinch when Kimani eyed her, "your second question is the answer to your first question. My father hit me. But Olivia was amazing and kept me safe, and she took care of me afterwards."
Kimani nodded, her posture relaxing as she observed her two clients easily interact with one another physically, each of them eager to comfort the other in the midst of the rather uncomfortable line of questioning. Based on the information she'd been given from the SVU Detective in their previous session, she did not actually think that Liv had been the perpetrator of the hand-shaped yellowing bruise on her younger client's face, but it was her job to be sure. The woman had seen more than her share of domestic violence in couples that came to her for services. "Do you think your father could hurt you again?"
Alex shook her head, moving her hand to wrap itself around Olivia's, letting out a breath of relief as she came to the conclusion that the cop wouldn't have to suffer through any more of this hurtful—but reasonable—questioning. "No, Liv threatened him with legal action, even though I don't want to press charges, and having a record—after having a higher win/lose ratio than me—would ruin him. He loves himself more than he hates me. I did get to yell at him though, so it kind of made it worth it."
"I'm sorry that this meeting didn't go well, but it sounds like you have a supportive partner in Olivia, and you two were together able to make your feelings known."
The attorney nodded, residual uneasiness moving through her abdomen. "Can I just say something, for the record?" Kimani nodded to encourage her to continue, and Olivia turned her head, perplexed. "I know why you asked me about this bruise, and I appreciate your obligation to do so, but…" The older woman's heart sank into her stomach. What was Alex going to say? The blonde was unsure if it was her place to share this, but they'd glossed over much of it during their first session, and Kimani needed to know—at least vaguely—what had made Olivia bristle at the slightest uncertainty around her treatment of her girlfriend. "So, Liv mentioned last week that she's afraid of taking advantage of me, that she is incredibly careful when it comes to making sure she has consent, even when the touch is inherently non-sexual."
Kimani bobbed her head up and down, remembering this part of their conversation. "Well, afraid is an understatement. I know that even thinking about the idea of being any kind of violent with me is nauseating for her. So, when you asked about my face…" She trailed off.
"Olivia, I apologize if I've made you upset," the woman said gently.
Benson shook her head. "It's fine. I'm grateful that you care enough to ask. I'm just a little sensitive about it." She was unsure at first if she wanted her girlfriend to share this information with Kimani, but she knew she'd only share necessary information, and she was just trying to look out for her. She would leave the details of the brunette's conception out of this because that was Liv's story to tell, not hers.
"What I wanted to say for the record," Alex resumed her statement, "is that Olivia is the kindest, gentlest, least violent person I've ever met. But she experiences these things as sort of a microaggression, and it's triggering for her. Is there a way we can be careful around talking about things like this? She would never hurt me, and I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I've seen eyes that are capable of violence." She gazed at the watery orbs that bore into hers and spoke of love with no effort day in and day out. "And that's not Olivia."
Kimani nodded again. "Absolutely. I'll add it to my notes. And Olivia, if you ever want to discuss this more, I think it would be a good idea."
The detective grunted in acknowledgement, but said nothing, quickly wiping away a few errant tears.
"This is so important to me," Alex added when she realized Liv wasn't going to speak, "because I'm fairly sure my father was at least verbally abusive to my mother. I have much of my childhood blocked out, but I do remember her attitude towards him being very submissive and toxically deferential, like she wasn't a full person. And the things that my father said and claimed to support—I couldn't imagine Liv even considering them on her worst day. Sometimes I feel bad for my mother," she continued, pondering the thoughts that had been haunting her since the confrontation several days earlier. "She's sort of a victim of her own belief system. But it's not my job to rescue her. I'm her child. She should have kept me safe. And she never did."
"I think that's an incredibly wise observation, Alex." Both of the other women nodded at her in approval, and she felt Olivia's arm encircle her shoulders to hold her close for a few moments, a proud gesture. "I admire your empathy to feel for her to some extent, but it shows a growing level of respect for yourself that you can also acknowledge what you experienced as neglect and inadequate protection."
The compliment made the blonde blush, and the truth of Kimani's words caused the uneasy feeling that had dissipated over time to engulf her once again. "Can we move on?"
"Sure. What would you like to discuss today?"
Olivia cleared her throat, placing the hand that had previously been squeezing Alex's upper arm onto her own lap, before leaning forward. "I actually had something. A question—something I wanted to talk to Alex about, but I think it might go better if we do it here."
Cabot was confused. Why would they need a mediator for this? What did Liv want to speak about? She noticed her heart skip a beat as Kimani gestured for the detective to proceed.
"Sweetheart,"—Alex hated it when Olivia started a statement like that because it reminded her that she was fragile, like maybe she needed to be treated with kid gloves—"I need you to be honest about this, okay? I won't be upset. Do you actually want to have sex with me?"
The younger woman blinked hard. If the tone of the question hadn't been enough to make her uncomfortable, the content of it certainly was. "Why are you asking me that? I've told you that I do."
"I know," she conceded, lowering her voice into an emotional whisper and swiveling her body to face Alex at a forty-five-degree angle. "But it's always been in the midst of a bigger conversation, and I wanted an explicit answer."
As time went on, Alex's understanding of Liv grew exponentially, and something she'd realized about her was that within her existed her own drill sergeant, one that constantly poked at her and claimed that she couldn't be confident enough that the blonde felt safe with her. It just wasn't possible. And another problematic claim he made was that Alex was lying about wanting the detective, something that the younger woman had absolutely done before, but unless she was in the middle of earthshattering panic, believing that Benson was going to leave her, her desire for the woman she loved was entirely genuine. Liv's vulnerability moved Alex in this moment, and though she'd been a little perturbed when the anxious woman had first asked the question—yet again—it reminded her that this was a give and take, and that Olivia's concerns, though not usually founded in fact, were valid. "I promise, baby. It's something I want to work towards. I'm just worried I'm never going to feel safe with someone touching me, but that's not your fault."
"I know it's not, but I also know that you've used unhealthy sex practices in order to ensure you have a warm body to sleep next to at night," Olivia carefully pointed out, continuing before Alex could successfully interrupt. "I know I'm different."
Olivia was different.
"I know I'm different," she repeated, "and our relationship is so much more then sex, and it always will be, but when you're having a bad day, I see you revert back to the coping mechanisms that have served you in the past. It's not always conscious, but…we've talked about me checking in sometimes for my own sanity, yeah?"
Alex nodded, her heart slowing in response to information that told her Olivia didn't think she was lying to her on a daily basis, she just needed assurance to quell the uncertainties that plagued her. The ADA was willing to speak of the love and want she had for her girlfriend forever, but Liv was right that once in a while, she did experience enough terror to beg the woman not to leave her, in the process offering her "anything she wanted." It wasn't common, as the woman had acknowledged, but the incidence of it, though decreasing in frequency, was still more than coincidental. "If I ever express hesitation about our physical relationship, sweetie, it's because what I want and what I'm ready for don't line up, and that's incredibly frustrating for me. I will always have fears. I will always struggle with my sense of safety. But I'm going to try my hardest to be honest with you about those things in the moment because that's what you deserve. The truth is I feel safer than I used to. But I don't currently feel safe when I think about being touched in a sexual way."
Kimani decided to interject, wanting to keep the conversation between the two women moving forward in a productive manner. "What about sex makes you feel unsafe?"
Alex decided to correct her. "Sex doesn't make me feel unsafe."
"Sorry, let me be more specific. What about receiving sexual pleasure makes you feel unsafe?"
"I've never..." She hesitated. This is why they were in therapy, she reminded herself, to provide themselves with a guided space to have these discussions. "I've never felt...I mean..."
"Go ahead, Alex," Kimani encouraged. "You're doing great."
"I'm right here," Liv coaxed the woman she loved, reaching out to intertwine their fingers again for the first time since the brunette had asked her girlfriend to be honest, using such earnest eyes and such tender words. "You don't have to censor yourself for me, my love."
"I've only ever been touched against my will," she voiced something Olivia already knew and Kimani suspected to some degree. "I have no idea what it's like even."
"So, it's fear of the unknown?"
"Yeah. I mean. What if it feels the same as with Tammy?"
"Your abuser when you were fifteen?"
"Yes." She forced herself to meet the detective's eyes again, and the woman was studying her with such intensity that her pupils met the floor in an instant, the sight of a barely more than microscopic insect feebly walking across the vast expanse of carpet catching her attention. Where was he going? And did he know he'd likely never get there? "What if I just can't, and I disappoint Olivia?"
The sex therapist was used to speaking with clients who attempted to obfuscate, intentionally using euphemisms or being willfully vague. But part of moving past shame was uttering aloud words that induced the feeling. "What if you just can't...?"
Alex's face turned beet red as her girlfriend's hand gripped onto hers, the brunette knowing what she was attempting to say and offering support. "I...what if I can't, you know, climax? What if I could with Tammy, and I can't with Olivia? What does that say about me?"
Benson couldn't allow Kimani to answer in a way that she wasn't satisfied with, so she offered up her own response. "I think it says that your body did an awfully good job protecting itself."
"That's bullshit, Liv." Alex didn't mean to snap at her, but Olivia tended to pull comforting phrases out of a hat, and though the blonde knew she believed her words whole-heartedly, the fact that it still sounded like a fucking Hallmark card agitated her. "It says that what Tammy did met the algorithm my body needed. And since I could never let someone touch me like that again, then there really isn't any hope."
The prosecutor knew this claim wasn't based in fact. It was rooted entirely in emotions, in fear, in insecurity. As soon as the words escaped her, the detective's kind counterargument to countless victims began playing on loop in her mind.
It is an involuntary physiological response.
It doesn't mean you liked it.
And it definitely doesn't mean you consented.
It is an involuntary physiological response.
It doesn't mean—
Benson hadn't continued to speak, so Kimani took the wheel, wanting to offer perspective without invalidating Alex. " I see why you believe what you do, and Olivia's offered a widely accepted explanation, but Alex, if what makes sense to you is that some algorithm was met—which is possible since orgasm is a response to sexual stimulation and not necessarily pleasure or consent—what I want you to understand here is that the vast majority of us have more than one possible algorithm."
"But if I'm not ready to figure out what those other algorithms are—" She cut herself off, not wanting to go there.
"Alex, can I ask you a question?" The lawyer nodded, giving the other woman permission to follow a hunch. "Worst case scenario—you can't reach orgasm. Why, in your mind, is that awful?"
"I don't want to disappoint Olivia."
"Olivia, would Alex being unable to reach orgasm disappoint you?"
"No. All I want is for her to feel safe." The brunette pivoted her body even farther in her girlfriend's direction, gingerly nudging her chin upwards so that their eyes would meet, and Liv waited a few seconds for the compassion Cabot would find there to have its desired effect, Alex melting into her and latching onto the hand that now rested on her uninjured cheek. "For you to feel safe. It's all a process. It doesn't have to happen the first time. Or ever, even. I mean, you're afraid you're gonna disappoint me—that's not why I want you to be invested in this. I want you to want it for yourself. Because you deserve to feel good and to feel safe and to feel taken care of. It has nothing to do with me at all."
Kimani had been nodding along as her older client spoke. "Alex, what does that bring up for you?"
Her pools of love seemed to go on forever, and the deeper into her eyes Alex looked, the more love she saw. Even her drill sergeant yielded his time to the volumes being spoken straight from Olivia's heart. "I'm still uneasy, but a lot of the pressure is gone."
"What I'm trying to demonstrate for you both," the therapist explained, "is that it's clear each of you wants to communicate with the other, and though I'm happy to facilitate to some extent, some of these conversations have to occur outside of this room for you to progress. I want you to continue your touch exercises, but if you're not already discussing them before and after, it is really important that you do that. Plan tentatively what's going to happen before, and then talk about what went well and what didn't after. Give feedback to each other, and take note of what's comfortable and what's not, and we can always debrief together."
It was past sundown by the time they got home, and Olivia had opted to pick up some food on the way, the attorney pleasantly surprising her by requesting Chinese food and putting in a specific order. After they'd eaten, they showered, and the brunette found her girlfriend reading a law journal in the bed they now shared. "Do you want to do some homework tonight?" she asked after looking up, the older woman smiling softly as she situated herself under the comforter.
She opened up her arms for Alex eventually. "I'd rather just hold you. Is that okay?"
Cabot happily placed herself in the police officer's embrace, an involuntary grimace leaving her when the other woman's fingers lightly grazed the sore skin of her right cheek, the anticipation of it worse than the pain.
"Still tender?" Olivia asked, her fingers hovering tantalizingly over beckoning warmth.
"Only a little," the prosecutor replied, not wanting this fact to put a stop to their closeness. "You can touch me though."
When she did, Alex sighed, overcome by the feeling that Liv was once again holding back, treating her like the fragile mug from Spain she'd gifted her all those months ago, the impossible care of the moment simultaneously calming her and frustrating her to no end. "Can I ask you for something?" She continued when she received a nod, the other woman's hand moving to tangle its fingers into light hair. "I see those wheels turning in your beautiful mind, sweetie. You're still trying to dance around my trauma. Liv, you know what happened to me. It permeates my entire life, and hopefully it won't always be that way, but for now, the only way to avoid it is for you to not touch me at all and always be careful with what you say. And I desperately don't want that. You deserve to give me a hug without questioning it. I'm not saying don't ask first, I just hate the idea of you feeling like you need to debate the wisdom of a kiss. I don't want you to burn out."
"I won't burn out."
"Yes, you will," Alex insisted. "I'm not the only one who should be getting something out of therapy. I want to support you too. I want to learn how to address triggers immediately so that they don't become flashbacks or panic attacks. The responsibility shouldn't lie completely on you."
Benson rolled completely onto her back, allowing the woman she loved to lie her head on her chest, one hand moving in measured lines up and down from her shoulder blades to her hips and the other continuing to massage Alex's perpetually tender scalp. "So, what do you need from me, sweetheart?"
"You know how our packet talked about body awareness?" Another nod of understanding. "I want to practice really being in tune with myself and paying attention to what I'm feeling."
"Is that what you're doing right now?"
Alex nodded, swallowing thickly. "Your hand…on my back is soft and gentle, and it feels good," she added, breathing deeply and fighting a blush. "Our feet rubbing against each other is soothing. It's intimate and sweet, and it makes me feel safe."
Olivia pressed her lips into the blonde's hair. "Keep going," she whispered, on the next upstroke with her right hand, letting her fingertips meet the healing bruise that called out to her for acknowledgement and healing.
"The way your fingers move against my cheek is reverent almost, at least it feels that way. It's like you're telling me you love me with each caress. When I give in, it just feels…perfect." She laughed quietly after a few moments of silence. "I guess this turned into a touch exercise."
"Your body isn't so tense against me anymore," Liv noted with a hum. "I'm feeling you surrender to the connection, rather than fighting it."
"Your touch is healing, Liv," she told her softly, entangling their fingers together and resting them against Olivia's heart. "Every time I get nervous or feel like I'm dirty, your love sets me straight."
A gentle kiss to her nose. "Correction, my sweet. My love sets you gay."
A/N: Thank you, as always, for reading and sharing your thoughts. A bit of a time jump in the next chapter. Stay safe, and remember—history has its eyes on you!