an: ...

sorry.

song for this chapter: mat kearney - ships in the night

1914

like ships in the night

you keep passing me by

Riza knew there was something wrong when the clock hit six o'clock and Roy still wasn't home from the office yet. Normally whenever he was late, he'd always phone home with an apology and the promise he'd pick up something on the way home for dinner, to save troubling herself with making dinner.

The clock struck six thirty and Riza phoned the office, too worried to wait any longer. There was no answer.

"Mummy, are you all right?" Mia was looking up at her worriedly, eyes wide and concerned. Hayate was sitting next to Mia, he too was looking up at her, head cocked in concern. Riza took a deep breath and pulled apart her hands, stopping them from wringing together in her lap.

"I'm all right, Honey," she smiled, forcing it on her face. Hayate walked up and licked her hands, his tail wagging as he quietly whined. Riza scratched him behind the ears with a smile. "Have you finished your dinner," she asked their five-year-old. Her birthday was a few weeks ago and Riza was still bewildered that her baby girl was five years old. That night she'd almost been in tears, but happy tears. She'd never have imagined that her life would turn out this way. She never dreamed she'd end up marrying the love of her life and have a child with him who was incredibly sweet, kind-hearted, and bright. She was truly lucky.

Mia nodded proudly as she kicked her legs happily in her chair. "Yep! All done."

"Okay. Time to clean up!" Maybe tearing her attention away from the clock would ease her anxiety. Everything was fine. Roy would walk through that door apologetic and all smiles and love for them both.

Eight o'clock came, and he didn't.

"Hello?" Chris Mustang answered.

"Chris, it's me," Riza greeted quietly, swallowing as she geared herself up for asking this question. There was silence on the other end of the line, and Riza tried not to take that to heart. She ploughed on ahead, drawing on strength from inside of her to continue as she gripped the phone tightly in her grasp. "I… I've not heard from Roy and he's not come home tonight. Do you know where he is?" Her voice cracked on the last word.

Still, there was silence.

"Chris?" she asked, voice desperate.

"Riza, can you sit down for me?"

Her blood ran cold. Dread crawled up her spine painfully, her stomach dropping to the floor. Her mouth fell open, expecting the worst.

He's dead.

No, no, no, no, no, no –

"Riza? Roy's all right. I promise. I've got him here at the bar."

All her breath left her in a rush. Her body shook from the relief. Her knees wobbled and she almost fell to the floor.

"Why –?"

"He just arrived," Chris reassured her. Someone spoke on the other end of the line, but Christmas shushed them. "It's… Something has happened Riza. Can you sit down."

"I'm down…" she whispered in a daze. In all fairness, she'd slid down the wall that was holding her up. Her legs had given out, unable to hold her weight. All thought of keeping quiet for Mia's sake went out the window. Not that Riza could speak any louder than a whisper at this point anyway, but Mia had just gone to bed, and once she was asleep Riza had dived for the phone and called the one person who would probably know where her husband was.

She wanted to talk to him. What had happened? Why had he gone there and not come home? What bad thing had happened?!

"Riza? Shit, there's not an easy way to say this. Maes Hughes died tonight."

What? Riza blinked. No. That was ridiculous. No, he wasn't dead. The grinning man who always managed to lift her mood effortlessly? The loving father who bragged about his kid on a daily basis, reciting the same adorable story over and over again? He was dead? No. She refused to believe it.

"Riza? Riza!" Chris was calling to her, a hint of worry in her tone.

No, this reality must be real, because she'd never heard that tone with Chris before.

He's dead…

"I'm here," she whispered. A tear tracked down her cheek silently.

"Are you all right?"

Roy. Riza shook her head, too stunned to remember Chris couldn't see her. When Chris prompted her again, Riza answered. "Uh," she swallowed. "Yes." Her voice was hoarse. It sounded foreign to her own ears.

"Shit," Chris sighed. It sounded like her breath caught in her throat.

"Where's Roy?"

Chris was quiet for a moment. "He came here for information about Maes' killer."

Riza swallowed the vomit that had climbed up her throat unwillingly. Someone had killed him… He'd been murdered…

Oh god. Gracia and Elicia.

"Can… Can I talk to him?"

There was no reply. It had been quiet for so long, she was about to prompt Chris when Roy answered.

"Hello."

Her heart constricted. Riza subconsciously lifted a hand to rest there, gripping her shirt tightly as if that would ease some of her pain. He sounded so defeated, so broken.

"Roy? Are you all right?"

It was a stupid question. Riza wanted to ask so much more, but the words wouldn't come out. Not in her current emotional state.

"Not really, I…" He struggled, trying to form an answer. His voice was gravelly and he cleared his throat a few times. He'd been crying. Riza was sure of it. "I won't be home tonight."

"Okay," Riza nodded.

"I don't know when…"

"Take all the time you need, Roy. I'll be here waiting."

There was more silence.

"Roy?" Riza prompted.

"Uh, thanks. Yeah… Sorry," he finally finished. That one word held so much sorrow in it, Riza was taken back. She sat up straighter on the floor.

"Roy?" she called to him gently. "Get some rest, okay? Stay with your mother tonight. There's no point travelling if you're not up to it. We'll be fine, okay?"

"Okay."

"Call me if you need anything, all right?" she stressed, hoping to get through to him. "I love you."

"Yeah… Love you too. Bye," he replied.

The dial tone rang in her ears. Riza hung up the phone but returned to the floor. Her head fell back to rest on the wall behind her. Tears dripped down her cheeks as she mourned the best friend she'd lost.

She just hoped and prayed Roy would be all right. Chris would take care of him, she knew that. Riza was glad he was somewhere safe at least.

Riza tossed and turned all night. Sleep refused to claim her. Alternating between crying for the loss of a friend and staring blankly at the ceiling above her, Riza eventually gave up at six o'clock in the morning.

"Good morning, Mummy," Mia greeted sleepily, but happily when Riza went into her daughter's room. Her heart clenched in her chest. How would she explain to Mia that the man she adored was no longer a part of this world? Ever since she was little, Mia had adored Maes Hughes. Growing up he was the cool uncle who snuck her sweets and helped her play tricks on her father. They were thick as thieves. Tears threatened to rise to her eyes. She couldn't do that to Mia. She couldn't take that away from her.

Except someone already has.

"Good morning, Sweetie." Riza crouched at Mia's head and stroked her forehead with her thumb, pushing her unruly black hair away from her eyes. It was almost time for a haircut. That fringe was a nightmare, never sitting in the same place twice, just like her father's hair. Unable to restrain herself, Riza leaned forward and hugged Mia tightly. Squeezing her eyes closed, Riza basked in the comfort the girl provided. The beaming smile Mia shot her when Riza pulled away gripped her heart painfully.

Roy still wasn't home by the time they had finished breakfast, so it was a decision Riza had to make herself. She wouldn't tell Mia this morning. Today was Friday. She'd explain to Mia what had happened to Maes when she came home from school tonight. Then, they'd have all weekend to discuss what happened and figure things out.

Riza swallowed the lump in her throat as Mia skipped past the school gates to greet her friends. She didn't want to take that happiness away from her. She was far too young to learn about death.

Once home, Riza took a deep breath as she stood in front of the phone. She had to call Gracia. She didn't know how to begin though. Should she just call and offer her condolences? Should she go over and see her? Had Gracia already had so many visitors, that she was sick of them? It was only nine thirty, but Riza didn't know when it had happened yesterday.

Riza turned away from the phone and leaned heavily against the wall behind her. Pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes, she took two deep breaths and let them out slowly. Tears dripped out of her tightly wound fingers, down onto her shirt.

Oh, Maes…

Poor Gracia. Poor Elicia.

Through the night, she thought about what she would do in this situation. Could she really go on without Roy in her life? Riza doubted it. It had been awful when he left the first time to go to the academy. Her life had been filled with happiness and warmth, painted in brilliant colours. After he'd left, those colours had dulled to greys, and the cold weaved its way cruelly through her childhood home, chilling her bones.

She never wanted to go through that again.

Riza shrugged on her jacket. Her decision was made. Her hands were shaking when she knocked on Gracia's apartment door. She heard movement, and Riza felt her heart thudding loudly in her chest.

"Hi," Riza greeted lamely, but that was all she could come out with. Gracia's tear stained face offered her a smile, as usual, then it fell and her face crumpled. To Riza's surprise, her arms opened automatically and Gracia fell into them as she sobbed. Patting her head, Riza whispered how sorry she was to her old friend and held her in the doorway to her apartment.

The conversation with Mia was awful. Her eyes welled up with tears and they dropped down her cheeks, big drops hitting and staining her pale pink t-shirt.

"But why, Mummy? Why is he gone?" she warbled more than once, and it broke Riza's heart every time.

"I don't know, Honey," she'd whispered into her daughter's hair, rocking her backwards and forwards in her grief. Mia was too young to learn about death. She was only five years old. Far too young.

Riza couldn't hide it from her though. How could she? If Mia asked when Uncle Maes was coming home and Gracia overheard it would upset her. It was better for Mia too in the long run if Riza explained as gently as she could that Uncle Maes was gone forever, and Mia would never see him again.

The front door opened, much to their surprise. Riza jumped, lost in the moment with her daughter to pay too much attention to what was happening outside of their conversation.

Roy…

He walked in the house and shrugged off his jacket. It was hung on the peg by the door without a word. It was late. Almost nine o'clock at night. After visiting Gracia, Riza had phoned Chris again, and her mother-in-law had advised Riza that Roy had gone to work.

"I'm worried about him, Riza," Chris confided in her. "Watch out for him, okay?"

"What do you mean?" Riza asked, dread coiling inside her stomach.

"He's not himself. Just keep an eye on him."

Then the line went dead. It was unfair how little information she'd been given, but that was Chris' style. Need to know only, and apparently Riza was deemed unfit to know. That stung.

"Daddy?" Mia sniffed, calling to her father. Roy paused on the bottom step, his hand still on the banister, then continued up the stairs without a word. A door slammed and Mia jumped in Riza's arms.

"Let's give Daddy a little time to himself, okay Mia Bear?" Riza swallowed. "Remember, he's upset too."

Mia nodded in agreement but was unusually quiet for the rest of the night. She went down without a fight and barely said a word, only opting to speak after she'd been tucked in.

"Mummy?" she asked quietly.

"Yes, Mia?"

"Is Daddy really sad?" she whispered fearfully.

"He is, Honey. He's very sad about Uncle Maes."

Mia nodded and tears collected in her eyes again. "I don't want him to be sad. I want him to be happy again."

"I know," Riza murmured. She stroked Mia's cheek with her thumb. "But that can't always happen. It's okay for people to be sad when they need to be. This is one of those times because a very sad thing happened."

"Okay," Mia whispered.

"Sometimes Mummy and Daddy are allowed to be sad."

"Would you be sad if I died?" Mia asked.

Riza almost fell off the bed. Pure terror gripped her entire being at the thought. No one was allowed to take her daughter away from her. No one.

"Mia," Riza whispered, face pained as tears fell down her cheeks. "Of course, I would. We both would. We'd be extremely sad."

"Sorry," she warbled, her body beginning to shake. "I didn't mean to make you cry," Mia sobbed.

Riza untucked her daughter and pulled her into a fierce hug. "Please," she pleaded. "Don't ask that question again," Riza whispered.

"Okay, I won't." Riza squeezed her eyes shut at the thought of burying her –

Her breaths were becoming shorter and sharper.

"It's okay, Mummy," Mia whispered. Her voice was calmer now, her shaking subsiding. "I'll make sure you're never sad again." Pulling away, Mia was looking up at Riza with a determined look. A smile made its way across her tear stained face. "I promise."

Riza kissed her cheek, lingering for a moment longer. "Thank you, Mia. Now, get some sleep, okay?"

Mia nodded and crawled back into her bed. Her eyes drooped with the emotional exhaustion from the evening. Within a few minutes, she was asleep.

Riza stood and approached the door quietly, smiling at how adorable her daughter was. Then, her smile fell. Now she had to face Roy.

Riza knocked on the door to their bedroom quietly. Roy was in bed already and the room was in darkness. He appeared to be asleep. Creeping around the bed, she saw the dark bruises underneath his eyes and his ragged face, even in sleep. Her heart ached for him. Kneeling by his side, she smoothed out the frown on his forehead with her thumb. His face twitched at the initial contact, but never moved farther than that. Eventually, she managed to rid him of his frown.

"I'm so sorry, Roy," she whispered brokenly, feeling a fresh set of tears threaten to overwhelm her. Taking a shaky breath, Riza kissed his cheek then stood, leaving the room to lock up the house and get ready for bed.

As soon as she was underneath the sheet, hands gripped her waist like a vice. Riza yelped as she was drawn back, her heart rate spiking at the unexpected contact. Roy kissed her fiercely… No. Desperately. His hands roamed over her body eagerly. Desperately. It elicited moans from her as he always did with his touch, but he needed to wait. She needed to speak to him first.

"Roy," she whispered as his mouth moved to her neck. The only reply was a grunt. "Roy," she stated more firmly this time, but the end was cut off by her own muffled moan.

His lips and tongue were attacking her neck and underneath her ears while his hands found their way to her skin, underneath her pyjama top. Riza bit her lip. In the back of her mind she knew this wasn't right. This wasn't what he needed. They needed to talk. He was desperate, seeking only to feel and forget. Nothing more. This wasn't the right path for him in his grief.

"Roy, stop!" she commanded. There was a moment when Riza didn't think he'd listen to her, but he faltered, his hands smoothing over the skin of her stomach to fall to the bed by her hip. He was panting hard, his body beginning to shake.

Riza lifted her hands, placing them on his cheeks. They were wet. As soon as they made eye contact his face crumpled.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, his body shaking even more violently.

Riza hushed him, and Roy dropped his head to the crook of her neck. His sobs were muffled by her skin and the bed. His arms wrapped around her torso tightly, his grip ironclad. Placing a hand on the back of his head, Riza held him in place as she cried too, cradling him close while whispering, telling him to let it all out.

"He was murdered," Roy stated into the darkness of their bedroom. Riza tensed but said nothing. His tone was flat, emotionless. It was terrifying.

After he'd finished crying Roy rolled over onto his back and remained unmoving. He just stared ahead at the ceiling and didn't say a word. However, he did pull Riza with him and held her tightly against his body. Her head lay on his chest, her ear right over his heart. The steady thump eased her worries.

Licking her lips, Riza nervously considered her next words. "How are you doing?"

There was no answer for quite some time. She gave up waiting and snuggled back into his side in defeat. She would just be here for him if that's what he needed.

"Numb," he stated, his voice hoarse. Roy took in a shaky breath and let it out in a rush. Riza felt his body shudder underneath her. "Overall, I feel numb," he repeated, his tone slow and careful.

"And individually?" she ventured.

"Furious. Heartbroken. Lost." Another shaky breath was let out in a rush. "He was my best frie –" He couldn't even finish the word.

Riza just hugged him tighter. "Why are you angry?"

She didn't look up from staring at his abdomen, but Riza felt his head crane down to look at her.

"What do you mean, "why"?" he asked, his tone disbelieving, and with a hint of irritation in it. Riza tried not to let her cringe show. She didn't want to mess this up.

"I'm just trying to understand. It's healthy to talk about it."

Roy was silent again. The only sound in the room was their breathing, but his head didn't move from staring down at her. "I'm furious because someone killed my best friend," he stated, tone cold. "Is that a good enough answer for you?"

Riza blanched. "I didn't mean that, I meant –"

"I'm furious because all I can picture is little Elicia growing up without a father now. Now Gracia has to go on without her husband. It's so unfair." His tone was heated. The hand by his side clenched into a fist.

Riza understood that. She felt so much sorrow for that small family. They were perfect in every way, and now they've lost a part of it. It was unfair, and Maes Hughes certainly didn't deserve an end like that.

"When I find out who did it, I'm going to barbeque them from the inside out."

Riza gagged quietly. His tone was hard and unforgiving. She'd never heard him speak like that before. It terrified her. What he was saying… It made Riza sick to think her husband was capable of that, but he probably was. He'd probably already done it in Ishval. Riza swallowed the sick that jumped up her throat at that thought. She jerked up from his body and placed a hand on her chest, willing her racing heart to calm down. The bile moved back down her throat and into her stomach, thankfully.

"Please don't do that," Riza whispered into the night.

"What?" His voice had a hint of coldness to it.

"Please don't go and get revenge –"

The bed jostled roughly, Roy sitting up with a fire in his eyes. "You're asking me to forget all about it?" he asked, voice low and dangerous.

Riza shook her head. She lowered the hand from her chest. "No. I'm asking you not to do anything drastic."

Roy jumped up from his bed. "I can't believe I'm hearing this," he muttered under his breath. "From you! Of all people!" His voice was rising and Riza had half a mind to shush him in case he woke up Mia, but that would do more harm than good with him in this state.

Riza felt her irritation spike after he spoke. "I'm not allowed to ask my husband to not do something stupid that might get him court-martialled or killed?" she countered.

"I won't drop this," he growled. Riza stopped at the look in his eyes. He looked slightly crazed, but that might have been the grief. It was hard to tell in the dim light of the room. "I can't believe you're asking me to."

"Stop putting words in my mouth," Riza snapped back, but with less bite than was warranted. Arguing wouldn't help here, but she wasn't going to let him do that to her or talk to her like that. She would never ask Roy to give up or forget about Maes. Never in a million years. Riza just didn't want her husband to die along with him. "I'm asking you to be rational and not to go out for blind revenge. That will do more harm than good to everyone involved."

"I can't believe it," Roy scoffed, a hint of a smirk on his face. But there was no love or laughter there. "I can't abandon him, or his family –" He wasn't listening to her.

"For the last time, I'm not asking you to!" Riza exploded. "Roy, think clearly about this. Please. For Mia's sake. I don't want her to grow up without a father too."

"No, but you don't care if Elicia does, do you?" His tone was as cold as the blood running in her veins. The air temperature in the room dropped considerably, and silence enveloped them both in a suffocating blanket.

"How dare you." Tears filled her eyes, but Roy didn't even falter. His gaze was hard as he stared at her, unforgiving. There was no getting through to him. He wasn't listening to a word she said. "Get out," she commanded, her tone flat.

Roy scoffed, shrugging on a t-shirt and hoodie. "I'm already gone," he muttered. The bedroom door slammed loudly behind him, shattering her perfect world once and for all.

In the back of her mind she knew that wasn't the best course of action given his current mental state, but Riza couldn't even bear the sight of him. How dare he accuse her of that? She loved Elicia just as much as he did and treated her goddaughter like she was already part of her family. Roy knew this, and yet, he was throwing wild accusations like that in her face? At a time like this? She wouldn't stand for that.

Everyone dealt with grief differently. That was a fact. Riza had helped Roy through it before and was more than willing to help him again. They'd made a promise to work together as a team. They were useless apart, but together? Unstoppable.

This was not them working together. This was Roy pushing her away again like he did with Ishval, but in a much, much worse way. He was hurting her with his horrible words and was probably very aware of it.

Riza was hurt and her mind was running a mile a minute with so many different scenarios, that she never even noticed it was her own insecurities playing up again, rearing their ugly heads. Roy loved her, but he was hurting, and he had lashed out at her.

He's never done it to you before though.

He loved Riza. She knew that.

Maybe he's tired of you because you bring him so much guilt.

No. He loved her…

You got him into that mess in Ishval by giving him the secrets to flame alchemy.

His suffering is on you.

He…

Riza's panic threatened to overwhelm her. Her breaths were short and sharp, loud and fearful. It felt like she couldn't get enough air in her lungs. Her vision was greying around the edges the longer this went on, and she began to feel woozy. She needed out. She needed to get out of this house. The walls were closing in on her, threatening to crush her into tiny pieces.

Get out, get out, get out.

She couldn't. Mia.

Riza stood, frozen, in their bedroom alone. Roy was gone. She didn't blame him. She had brought him only pain and suffering. It was she who'd led him to the knowledge of flame alchemy. Riza had unleashed it upon the world without a thought of how it would affect anyone. She just wanted to relieve herself of her own burden.

Selfish.

She burdened him so much. Every day he came home to a wife and a child. That must have filled him with so much guilt. He'd taken that right away from thousands of people. What right did he have to return to a happy home now? He was working to atone for his sins of the past, but he wouldn't even have to if she'd just kept her mouth shut.

Selfish. You burden him every day.

Riza was gripping the bathroom sink with such force she thought the porcelain might crack. Her body was heaving with sobs as they fell down her cheeks and splattered into the sink, mixing with the droplets already there. She couldn't get a handle on it. Her breathing was erratic. She still couldn't get enough air. Her vision was tunnelling now.

I'm losing him.

That hurt more than anything in the world.

Riza stood and looked at herself in the mirror. She swayed in place losing her balance. Catching herself, her body pitched to the left as her vision blurred. Now, she felt like she couldn't breathe at all.

There was a loud clatter in the room as she fell to the floor, her head hitting the tile painfully hard.