Chapter 16 - Lost in Fear

Floating.

I am. Floating.

My eyes slowly shifted open to see a faded red room. I raised my hand to touch my face, but froze when I looked directly at it. It appeared almost surreal; my skin shifted and my clothes waved like water. I looked down to my feet and they did the same; rippling like a mirage in the desert. After a moment I noticed that my feet weren't touching the ground; they hovered in the air.

The ground. Where is the ground? I looked around me and couldn't tell which way was up and which way was down. I was floating. I felt my stomach turn with an uneasy feeling, so I reached my arms around my knees and pulled my legs in tight to my chest, as I began to hold myself in a ball.

"Nikita Jones!" A woman's piercing voice called, "Nikita Jones!"

The sound of the voice jolted through my body like an electric shock; I jumped as I opened my eyes quickly and found myself sitting on the floor behind a counter.

I know this place..

"Nikita Jones! Get up off ma' floor! You're late for work and now you're hidden' behind ma' counter like a crazy person! Get up!" Rosie stood above me waving a table cloth around like a baton. "GET!" She began hitting me with the cloth in an attempt at shooing me out of her restaurant.

I stood up quickly and grabbed the counter as support; the freshly stacked glass cups rattled under the counter, as I made my way around the counters edge. I looked around to see the morning rush staring at me in judgment. Each face I passed was more painted with more intensity than the next. I began to breath heavier and my body broke out in a nervous sweat. Why are they staring at me like that? I stumbled to the front door as I unsuccessfully dodged the cloth.

"You're fired Nikita Jones! YA HEAR ME? FIRED! Don't eva show your face 'round here again!" She pointed an accusing finger towards the door as she planted her other hand on her hip. Her red acrylic nail glistened like daggers.

I was in shock. How did I get here? I grabbed my head and tried to piece together what happened before I woke up behind the counter.

I turned to leave and walked out onto the sunny street, as I abruptly bumped into someone, forcing them fall to the ground.

"What on Earth do you think you're doing child!?" Mrs. Bocswell shouted as she sat up. I staggered back in suprise. I have never seen Mrs. Bocswell out of the apartment before.

"Oh I am SO Sorry!" I helped her up and looked over to the apartment building that was across the street, but instead of seeing the old run down structure, I was looking at an old hallway wall. I blinked her a couple times. We aren't outside at all, I thought, we are in the hallway of my apartment building? I stood there perplexed, as I studied the faded green wallpaper.

"No!" She shoved me off of her with more strength then I remembered her having, and my attention was pulled back towards her. "You are one of THE MOST irresponsible tenants, that I have ever had!"

My stomach twisted even more. What is going on? What have I done? My heart raced and my entire body felt ill. I hated upsetting people, and now I have gotten Rosie and Mrs. Bocswell upset; not to mention all of the people from the restaurant. My mind drifted back to all of their faces watching me, judging me, as I tried to leave. I feared their judgement, I feared what they thought of me.

"Miss Jones, I want you OUT of this apartment!"

"What? no.. Pplease, Mrs. Bocswell I'm so sorry! It will never happen again!"

I heard the slow creak of a door behind me, and it quickly slammed shut making the walls shake. It was so loud, that it made me flinch and close my eyes. In a split second, I was standing out on the street beside my bags. I frantically looked around my surroundings, searching for an explanation.

"What? How? I - "

Thunder rumbled in the sky as heavy rain began to fall. I don't understand. I did't mean to upset them so bad. I looked up to see the tall iron gates of The Meadow Springs Association Orphanage, and my heart had a flicker of hope. Home. It looked slightly more run down then when I left it a few weeks ago, but I remembered it quickly got that way when it was the slow adoption season: thats when they typically didn't have enough money to pay the maintenance crew. I shrugged it off, and grabbed my bags as I made my way down the cracked concrete path. The rain poured down like a heavy blanket and I could feel my hair begin to leech on my my cheeks.

I approached the door and knocked. After a moment I could hear it unlatch, then slowly groan open to reveal a slender woman who looked pale and sick; Miss Ketsel. She looks so unwell. What happened while I was gone? I opened my mouth to speak, but Miss Ketsel spoke up first.

"Nikita, what are you doing here?" Her voice was soft and sad, but her face looked afraid. Her eyes shifted past me with a sort of unease, then searched me up and down.

"I've come home." I was completely soaked now. My body started to shiver slightly as I tried to hold in my tears. I felt a twinge of doubt as I slid some of my wet hair off of my face and smiled unconfortably.

"This is not your home. It never was." She backed away and slammed the door quicker then I could process what she had said. I stood there and shook some more, as I continued to stare at the door; my heart sank and the fear of rejection was completely consuming me.

Everything I used to know, was a lie? What is happening? Where do I go now?

I backed away and quickly turned to run. I had to leave, I had to get away; I had to get away from everything, from everyone. Voices and faces stun in my head; the rejection, the judgment, It was too much. The quicker I ran, the louder the voices got. Tears burned in my eyes and I reached my arms ahead if me reaching out for things that I can grab on to so that I could pull myself away quicker.

I could see something in the rain, but I couldn't make out what I was. I squinted my eyes to focus on it; it was coming towards me and it was fast. I blinked and it was right in front of me. I flinched and stopped dead in my tracks as I raised my hands to stop it. I gasped and flailed as something silky wrapped around me. It was a curtain. I flailed my arms and I shoved it aside. As I continued to walk away from it, I kept my head tuned and watched it calmly return to it's resting place.

I know that curtain, I thought.

I bumped into a table and quickly turned my attention to see what was in front of me. Madam Moora sat with her hands folded together on the opposite side of the table from where I stood; her face was painted with disappointment.

My heart froze. No, not Madam Morra. Please. I feared what she would have to say to me. I feared what she would say about how I handled myself in Derry.

"You have forgotten everyting I taught you."

"Madam Moora, please." My voice quivered.

Her face twisted into an angry scowl as she lifted her hand to dismiss me.

"Madam Moora, no. I know you! You wouldn't do this!" I was pushed back out of the room and whipped around to face a window. Tears that burned in my eyes were now rolling down my cheeks, and my heart was breaking. I was so scared; I was so scared of what was going to happen next. I closed my eyes and lifted a shaky hand to my temple.

"Nikita?" A muffled voice called. I looked up to see Beverly outside of the window. Another familiar scene; I was on the bus leaving town.

"No." I whispered. "Beverly! NO!" The bus lurched forward as the air breaks squealed. I could see in her eyes that her heart was breaking. "Nononono. I'm not leaving!" I looked to the front of the bus and shouted, "Stop the bus! I don't want to go!" I looked back to Beverly and slammed my hands on the window. "Beverly! I'm not leaving you!" I beat on the window with my fists but nothing happened, the bus continued to crawl forward just like it did before.

She was almost out of my site. No, not this time! I turned to run to the front on the bus as I yelled.

"Stop the - "

I froze to see Beverly in the bus with me; her eyes burned with hurt and anger.

"How DARE YOU!" She shouted.

Her rage made me fall backwards and I landed on something soft.

The hospital bed?

"How dare you leave ME!" She continued. "How dare you leave US!" Her arms raised as each of the Losers appeared at my bedside. Bill, Ben Richie, Eddie, Mike and Stan; their faces were froze in a look of disappointment.

"No. NO!" I sat up on the bed and crawled to the end of it, then gripped the end railing tight a pleaded. "Beverly I did this to save you! To save the all of you!"

"Well, a lot of good that did!" She spat.

Each of the Losers Club began to decay in front of me. The wind picked up and I watched in horror as they each began to writhe and curl in pain. Their skin peeled in large chunks and their eyes sink inward. Some of them were turning to dust, and others just oozed with puss.

I looked back to Beverly who was now inches from my face. Her eyes were sunken in and bugs began to crawl through the decaying holes on her skin.

"We were supposed to be a TEEEEAAAAMMM-AAAAAH!" She screeched as her head began to spin. Her neck twisted around and around as her skin stretched unnaturally.

My hands lifted up and gripped my ears, as my emotions flew out of control. My heart felt like it was going to explode. The wind and dust were suffocating, and I could barely hear myself think. My body became numb and I felt a deep crack inside of me.

HOW CAN I FIX THIS!?

"Bev." I pulled myself into a ball and hid my face as I whispered. "I'm sorry. I was just sso scared. I didn't know how to fix it… I-I still don't…"

The room grew quiet and calm as the wind that hurled around me began to slow down. It all felt so distant as I sat there shaking and sobbing for a little while.

"Pplease stop. I can't take it anymore." My hands were shaking uncontrollably, and my face was soaked from the tears that continued to stream down my cheeks. I barely had enough strength to look up. But I felt like I had to; my eyes darted around looking for the next thing to come. But nothing did.

I sat up and tried to dry my face as my sobs echoed forever in the nothingness that surrounded me.

I am so scared to make the wrong move. No matter what I do, people begin to despise me.

I held myself in a hug as more tears burned though my eyes and dripped off my chin. I can't take it any more. I could feel something inside of me crack slightly more, as if the pressure inside of me was too much. I couldn't tell what it was, but it felt like a wall in my heart was beginning to shift and shake.

A hand slowly lowed down to my line of vision. Unsure if it was real, I stared at it mesmerized as its long gentle fingers hovered there, waiting for me to reach out and grab them. I couldn't see past the hand, but what else did I have to loose?

I reached up and gripped them; they were warm and welcoming. The hand lightly closed around my fingers and gently pulled me to my feet; I could feel another hand wrap around my waist as support.

The hand belonged to a young and handsome man. His features were slightly unusual, but the softness in his eyes were inviting.

"Are you okay Miss?" His voice was warm and echoed slightly in the dark void that surrounded us. I looked deep in his eyes and they were vibrant green.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Bob Gray. I work at the circus just down the road." His head gestured to his right.

"Circus?" I looked past him to see an old dirt road surrounded by trees. Just past the trees were bright lights and a large, circus tent.

Startled by the sudden change in location, I looked around where we stood, but I didn't recognize anything. It was calm summers night; the crickets chirped to each other, and the stars twinkled in the dark blue blanket of the sky, casting down a slight glow on every surface.

Where am I? I thought. It was as if my brain was wiped clean. All of my emotions were just shadows, and I couldn't recall anything that had just happened to me. My face felt wet and tired, so I wiped my cheeks with my sleeves as I sniffed slightly.

"Are you lost?" He asked. I looked back into his eyes. Lost? I had no idea where I was any more, nor did I have a clue what had just happened before he arrived; so I had to be.

"Yes." I replied.

"Would you like to come with me back to my caravan?"

I stood there and thought about it for a moment as I stared down the road. I felt so lightheaded; so broken.

"Yes."

Bob held out his arm to me like a gentleman, and I wrapped my forearm around his elbow. His long slender fingers reached over my hand and we began to walk towards the circus.

"What is your name?" He asked as we sauntered down the road.

"Nikita Jones." That seemed to be the only thing that I could remember before I saw his hand reach out to me.

"Nikita Jones." He repeated in a whisper, "What a pretty name."

I flinched a little at his remark. No one had ever spoke to me like this before, and it felt slightly unsettling. I had no idea how I got there, and I couldn't remember what happened before this man found me, no matter how hard I tried. My face felt so tired, what happened to me before I saw his hand?

"Miss Jones, were you scared?"

I looked up at his face and studied his soft features. His lips were slightly pushed out and his cheeks looked soft and round.

"Yes." I whispered, "Very."

Bob Gray continued to look off in the distance and slightly smiled as his grip held me tighter. I watched him closely, feeling completely at his mercy, for he was now the only person that I knew. I had to trust him. A voice inside of me silently screamed, but I did not hear it. Instead, I let his man guide me further into the unknown.

When we arrived at the circus, it didn't look very busy, in fact, it looked almost empty. The grounds were pristine and the grass was a perfect shade of green; everything looked as if it was open for business, but no one was there to run the games that that stood in rows of glittering lights. No people were walking around the grounds, and I didn't see any performers through the big door of the main tent. I got lost in thought staring over at the big top and felt a slight tug on my arm.

"Do you smell the circus?"

"Yes." The tantalizing smells of popcorn, cotton candy and mini doughnuts filled the air. I could hear crowds of people and the sounds of the show circled all around us; the crowed cheered, children laughed, and a clown honked his horn. I looked around and searched for the people, but could still see no one.

"Here we are."

I turned to see an old circus wagon with the words, Pennywise The Dancing Clown, painted on the side of it. I blinked hard a few times as a faint memory teased my senses as Bob cleared his throat. I looked back to his comforting gaze as he opened the little green side door. It slowly creaked open to reveal a comfortable little room that was full of neat little nick-knacks like silks, cantles and trinkets. It had an old faded couch on one end and a tiny kitchen area on the other.

Bob reached down and held my hand as he guided me up the stairs and gently closed the door behind us. It all felt very dream like as I floated into the wagon; the sounds of the outside world outside were now a mere muffle from the inside of his cozy home.

"Miss Jones, would you like a tea?" He clasped his hands together and leaned forward slightly as I sat down on the old tattered couch.

"Um. Yes, please."

Bob Gray smiled warmly and nodded, as he turned to start the kettle. I studied him as he walked around the small space gathering tea cups and saucers.

He looked almost seemed too tall for this little space. As he wondered and spun in his tiny home, he bumped into a few of the pots and pans that hung from the ceiling, he automatically lifted his hands to stop them from clattering together as he continued like nothing had ever happened. It was sweet how delicate he was with them. His movement flowed so smoothly, that it almost looked like it was a dance. I smiled at him, as his cute awkwardness warmed the air around us.

The handsome carny was wearing dark pants that were being held up by black suspenders. His white undershirt was tucked in neatly and his hair was short and slicked back. Every so often his bangs would fall forward and dangle in front of his forehead, but he would reach up and slick them back every time they fell.

He had a very slender figure and his skin looked so soft. I felt my heart tug towards him as I slowly stood; feeling the need to get closer to him. I walked over to him in a daze and wrapped my arms around his waist. He froze; almost as if he had never been touched before. I buried my head in his back and he had the faintest smell of popcorn that lingered on his clothes.

"Please don't leave me." I whispered.

I could feel his arms slowly drop to his sides as he stood up straighter. He felt unsure about the interaction, but I didn't care. I was feeling something deep inside that I didn't understand, and I needed some comfort.

Bob raised one of his arms and delicately spun around to face me. His eyes filled with an emotion that I couldn't read. He slowly leaned forward as if to hug me, but he hesitated and held me back slightly; his long fingers wrapped around my shoulders.

We both stared at each other in silence for a while. His bright green eyes read right through me like I was a tissue paper; tin and delicate. I tried to fall into his arms again, but he held me tight in place; I began to feel slightly concerned.

"Bob?"

His kind face looked confused and angry, but he didn't look angry at me. He looked like he was angry at himself.

"Bob?"

"No." He backed away from me and quickly turned away, as he leaned his hands on the counter. His elbows bent a little as he quivered and spat. "Pennywise."

That name pierced though me like a dagger.

"What?" My previous emotions began to consume me like a flood, and the voice that was silently screaming inside of me howled in my soul.

"Pennywise!" He shouted. He spun back to face me; he was now wearing the clowns costume, and I remembered everything. It hit me like a brick wall.

"You." I staggered backwards and bumped into a dresser. "No."

"Yessss." He hissed as his large gloved hands raised and reached to the back of his head as he began to peel Bob Grays face off. His hair sprung out from under his flesh mask as clotted blood snapped like elastics on his skin. "Fear me!" He grumbled.

I felt something inside me crack some more. The wall inside my heart began to crumble and shake again.

"You? You are nothing but a MONSTER!" I shouted as I shoved over the table that sat beside the dresser. "You have taken EVERYTHING FROM ME!" My eyes burned as tears of anger began run down my face. "YOU HIDE BEHIND YOUR ILLUSIONS AND DESTROY EVERYTHING THAT IS GOOD!" The wall had now fallen down, and something felt empty within me. "AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!"

I ran towards him and grabbed some scissors that sat on a small wooden crate; I had never felt so much power before, and it was liberating. I jumped at him and thrust the scissors into his chest as he burst into grey dust. Shocked, I released the scissors and backed away as they fell to the ground. Suddenly everything around me also began to burst into dust; some clouds brown, and others green. I watched in surprise as the dust whirled around me and eventually dispersed into the black void.

I found myself once again standing alone in the darkness; my heart was racing.

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS RUN FROM ME!?" My voice echoed and faded into the darkness. I kept spinning around hoping to see him again; I wanted to end him for torturing me, for torturing my friends and for killing innocent people in Derry. "WHERE ARE YOU!?" I stood there and panted for a moment, the rage bubbled up inside me and I could no longer contain it. "GAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

But nothing came and no one answered; just the echoes of my anger retuned back to me. I screamed out in rage again as I crouched down as I held my head tight between my hands as I felt the dust, from the crumbled wall inside of me, begin to settle.