Get That Bigfoot Outta My Face!

"I wonder why Dad hasn't called us in yet," commented Mavis, from her position on the sun lounger. "It's getting late."

"I guess Doof hasn't been up to anything particularly big today," said Apollo, next to her on his own lounger. "At least it's given us a nice day to spend together in the sun."

At that moment, the sliding door opened and Apollo's mother came out, carrying a tray with two drinks on it. "Hey, you two. Want some iced tea?"

"Ooh, yes please!" Apollo sat up straight and accepted his glass. "Thanks, Mom!"

"Thank you, Mrs Hastings," said Mavis gratefully, taking her own drink. "And thanks for letting me hang out here today."

"No problem." Persephone Hastings gave her a warm smile. "It's nice to see Apollo spending time with someone his age. Still no message from the major, then?"

"No, it's weird." Apollo frowned down at his drink. "Usually he tells us when we have a day off."

"Well, I'd just take it as a blessing. Anyway, I'm taking Artemis and Athena out to the park and then it's Artemis's doctor's appointment at five. I'll probably be back late but I'll have my cell if you need anything. Okay?"

Apollo beamed. "Okay, Mom!"

Mavis grinned at her boyfriend. "Your family's so cool. But can I ask you a question?"

Apollo nodded, knowing already what she was going to ask. "Artemis got hit by a car a few years ago. It paralysed her. That's why she's in a wheelchair." He dropped his gaze. "It's also why I became a doctor. I wanted to save people like my sister."

"I… I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-."

"No, no, it's okay." Apollo gave a brave smile. "Arty hasn't let it get her down so I won't either. And who knows: maybe she'll walk again someday."

As Mavis opened her mouth to respond, their watches started beeping in unison.

"A mission? Now?" Mavis sighed. "Great. C'mon, we'd better get to the lair."

The two agents took the hidden entrance in Apollo's house and ended up in Perry's lair. They sat down in their seats, waiting for the platypus to arrive.

A small door soon slid open behind them. As soon as they turned to look, Perry appeared down the slide and accidentally knocked over a table sitting in his way. Luckily, he was able to catch the vase sitting on it.

Mavis snickered and gave the platypus a thumbs-up. "Good catch."

"Mm, thanks."

"Sorry about that, Agent P," said Major Monogram's voice from the screen. "We haven't used that tree slide in years. Not since I was at… the Academy."

He stared off dramatically into space.

"Um… is he okay?" Apollo asked.

"He sometimes has flashbacks from his time at the Academy," explained Mavis. "Not a nice time for him, from what my mom's told me."

"Anyway," said Major Monogram after a moment. "Doofenshmirtz seems to be up to something. He's holed up at his evil woodland retreat. Your mission is to find out what he's up to. And please, you three: be careful."

As the major sunk into another flashback, the three agents headed for the hangar.

"Does anyone else think the idea of a woodland retreat is one of the furthest things from evil that you can possibly get?" said Apollo.

"Probably the way Dad phrased it," Mavis responded. "If he'd said Doof has a cabin in the woods, that would've sounded a lot creepier."

Perry shuddered. "Now I can't stop picturing a horror movie scenario where Doof slaughters all of us with an axe."

Mavis gave a snort. "He probably couldn't even lift an axe. And even if he could, there'd be a self-destruct button on it in a ridiculous place."

"...true."

…

The sun was already beginning to set by the time the three agents arrived at the small wooden house in the forest. As Perry carefully landed the hovercar, Apollo leant out and inspected the house. "This is a really nice place. Does he own it?"

"With the amount of alimony he gets, I wouldn't be surprised," Mavis replied.

"With the amount of alimony he spends on his ridiculous creations, I doubt it," was Perry's response.

Mavis grinned at him. "That's a good point."

The three agents approached the french windows. Apollo tried the handle; it was unlocked, so the team made their way inside. Doofenshmirtz, who happened to be sitting on the sofa nearby, leapt up when he saw them. "The Monoteam! How unexpected! And by unexpected, I mean…" He frowned. "...unexpected. What are you three doing here? This is my week off."

"Are we interrupting something?" Apollo asked, noticing the fancily laid table behind the evil scientist.

Doofenshmirtz glanced over his shoulder. "Oh, that. Well, uh…" He gave a nervous laugh. "I suppose you should know. I-I've started dating again! I met someone online!"

He paused, as if to let the agents react.

"Congrats?" Apollo said weakly.

"Thanks!" Doofenshmirtz beamed. "I know what you're thinking, but we're only actually meeting for the first time tonight. Speaking of which, you'd better go before she gets her-."

The doorbell rang just then, interrupting the evil scientist.

Doofenshmirtz panicked. "Oh no! She's here! Sh-She can't see you guys! She doesn't know I'm an evil scientist! She doesn't know about you three! Oh, I-I don't even have time to destroy you..."

"What should we do?!" yelped Apollo.

The doorbell rang again.

"Just get out of sight, quickly!" Doofenshmirtz hissed.

As Doofenshmirtz rushed to the door, Mavis glanced down at Perry but found him in mindless pet mode, so she quickly whipped off her fedora and dragged Apollo to the sofa.

"What are you doing?!" Apollo gasped.

"Just play along," whispered Mavis.

Doofenshmirtz threw open the door with a wide smile. "Hello!"

"Oh, uh, hello." A woman stepped through the door, holding a piece of paper. "I'm looking for Strudelcutie4427."

Before Doofenshmirtz could speak, Perry wandered over and the woman spotted him and picked him up. "Wow, aren't you the cutest little thing?" She beamed, tickling Perry's stomach. "Are you my date for this evening?"

"No, no!" Doofenshmirtz gave another nervous laugh. "Uh, that would be me. You must be Sandra, right? I'm Strudelcutie4427. Nice to meet you."

He paused, as it became clear that Sandra was not paying him any attention in the slightest. "Uh, this is my pet platypus. He was just going outside for a nightly walk."

"Oh, could I hold him a little longer? He's so sweet." Sandra laughed and held Perry closer to her. "Oh, yes. Yes you are."

"Haha, well, I guess he can stay a-a little bit, but… you know what they say: three's a crowd and whatnot."

But Doofenshmirtz's efforts to get Sandra to notice him were in vain. As the two came into the room, Doofenshmirtz's eyes widened when he noticed that Mavis and Apollo were still there.

Mavis took a deep breath. Time to put all those acting classes to good use. She plastered a smile on her face. "Oh, hello!"

Sandra looked up for the first time and noticed the two teens. "Hello. Who might you be?"

"Sorry, I'm Mavis." Mavis stood up and approached Sandra, shaking her hand politely. "This is my boyfriend, Apollo. I'm so sorry; we didn't realise you'd be coming so soon. Well, I'll leave you two in peace." She gave Apollo a pointed look, then smiled widely at Doofenshmirtz. "See you later, DAD."

Doofenshmirtz blinked, but thankfully caught on quickly and gave an exaggerated smile. "Ah, see you later… sweetie?"

Mavis kept her fake smile on as she dragged Apollo out of the house. As soon as she shut the door behind her, she collapsed against it and let out a long breath. "That was the most nerve-wracking thing I've ever done. And that's saying something."

Apollo couldn't help a laugh. "You did amazing, Mavie. Now come on, let's go make a campfire, toast some marshmallows, and spy on Doof's date."

Mavis shot her boyfriend a grin. "Hell yeah."

…

About half an hour later, Mavis and Apollo had situated themselves on the ground under a tree, within sight of the cabin but not so close that they would be easily spotted. Mavis had started a campfire and Apollo had snuck back into the cabin to steal some marshmallows and tea.

"This is nice," said Mavis quietly, listening to the crackling of the campfire.

Apollo smiled and took his girlfriend's hand. "As far as impromptu dates go, I think we did well."

"Speaking of dates, I wonder if Sandra is still cooing over Perry." Mavis craned her neck but she couldn't really see through the windows. "I bet he loves it."

Apollo laughed. "I feel sorry for poor Doof."

"Really? Why?"

"Well, he tries so hard to find someone and it never works out."

Mavis considered this, then shrugged. "Yeah, but a lot of the time, it's his own fault. Remember the time he almost crushed us with the giant magnet?"

"Yeah?"

"He was on his way to his then-girlfriend's house to erase all the needy answerphone messages he left because she wouldn't pick up the phone." Mavis munched lazily on her toasted marshmallow. "Sure, some of it's bad luck. But Doof doesn't exactly make it easy to have any kind of relationship with him, romantic or otherwise."

"Hm." Apollo stared thoughtfully at his own marshmallow. "You have a point."

The two sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Man, I can't believe him trying to crush us with the magnet was only a week ago," remarked Apollo. "That was the first time I really got involved in one of your missions with Perry."

"Apart from when you heroically caught me at Mount Rushmore the day before," said Mavis, grinning.

Apollo chuckled. "Yeah, and that was the last time I ever saved you. Since then, all you've been doing is saving ME."

"Yeah, well, if you died, the world would be robbed of a hell of a lot of cuteness," teased Mavis, leaning in to kiss Apollo on the cheek.

Apollo's cheeks turned red. "Th-Thanks. I just wish I could be more useful."

"Hey, you ARE useful. At the very least, you provide moral support and stop me and Perry from arguing all the time. But remember you've also helped me on missions when I've hurt myself before."

Apollo nodded slowly. "That's true."

Before he could say anything else, they heard a noise from the cabin. The two teens craned their necks and spotted Doofenshmirtz coming out onto the balcony, looking visibly fed-up. He sighed, took a sip of his drink, and promptly spat it back out again. "Eugh, I don't even like cucumbers!" he lamented. "Why do I always get the crazies?"

"Looks like it's not going well," commented Apollo. "Maybe we should check on them?"

But before Mavis could reply, the sound of screams filled the air.

"That sounds like kids," Mavis said worriedly. "I think Perry's owners are camping somewhere nearb-."

Another scream interrupted her, but this time, it came from Doofenshmirtz. The two teens looked up just in time to see the evil scientist topple from the balcony and land in a clump of bushes.

Mavis leapt to her feet and dashed towards the cabin, closely followed by Apollo.

Doofenshmirtz crawled out of the bushes, covered in thick leaves and branches.

"Are you okay?!" Apollo yelped. "Are you hurt?"

The evil scientist appeared not to hear him. He grabbed hold of the balcony support and began determinedly clawing his way back up towards the house. "Gotta...get...back…"

"Uh oh," Mavis muttered.

They watched as Sandra came out onto the balcony and screamed upon seeing Doofenshmirtz, who now resembled some kind of strange creature. "Bigfoot! BIGFOOT!"

She began smacking Doofenshmirtz with her purse. "Ow, no, no! It's me! OW!"

Mavis and Apollo dodged backwards as Doofenshmirtz again dropped from the balcony, this time landing directly onto the grass.

Frowning sympathetically, the two teens started to help Doofenshmirtz up. "Sorry about the date, man," Mavis said.

"Eh, still not the worst I've ever had. There was that one that kept stabbing me with a fork." Doofenshmirtz shuddered and got to his feet, starting to walk away. "Eh. Anyway, I'm gonna just-."

"Wait, the ledge!" shouted Mavis.

But the evil scientist didn't notice the cliff edge until it was too late.

Mavis winced as Doofenshmirtz disappeared down the cliff, screaming his head off.

"I'm sure he'll be okay," said Apollo reassuringly, putting his arm over Mavis's shoulders. "He's come back from worse."

"He really has." Mavis sighed, then gave her boyfriend a smile. "Anyway, I think it's time to go home. Our work here is done."

"Good plan. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings us."

"Me too."

...

Author's Note: in the actual episode, Doof's date was never actually given a name. To make things easier for me, I gave her the name Sandra, which is the name of her voice actress Sandra Oh.