There was a strange, low, moaning noise as she came to in Severus' chambers. The room span, she felt sick, she could almost feel the flames licking at her arms and she scrunched her eyes tightly shut, willing the feeling to pass. She felt a firm hand on her shoulder, squeezing her lightly and as it slowly brought her back to her senses, she clapped a hand over her mouth, realising the moaning sound was coming from her own mouth. She opened her eyes.
Severus' face swam back into view. He was looking at her with concern. It was the first time she had seen him express such an emotion, and it only worried her even further.
"What happened?" she said quickly, her voice croaky. "Did it work? Did I ruin it? Did-"
Severus removed his arm from her shoulder and his expression cleared back to its usual emotionless state. "It's fine," he interrupted her calmly, looking straight into her eyes that were wet from tears. "It worked fine."
She slumped into the back of the sofa with relief. It was only then that she noticed the ruckus around them. Despite Severus' protective spells, the rug and armchair seemed to have caught fire and Severus' white shirt sported a burn along his left arm. She could see his scorched skin through the torn fabric, red and angry.
Her eyes filled with tears again, overwhelmed by her memory and now horrified by everything around her, but Severus merely waved his wand and righted the room, taking away any trace of fire without even looking behind him.
"Relax," he said calmly. "There is no damage done."
"Your arm-" she said weakly, blinking back her tears furiously.
"I have burn paste-"
"Please, let me…"
"You are already weakened by-"
"I'm not taking no for an answer," she said in a voice that came out smaller than she wanted it to.
Severus raised an eyebrow and held out his left arm to her. Through the tear in the white fabric she saw the bold lines of the Dark Mark next to his burn. She placed her hand in his palm and focussed her remaining energy on taking his burn from him.
She breathed in sharply as the pain hit her, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come.
Severus repaired his sleeve with another flick of his wand and everything was back as it had been.
"Sit, relax, read," he said sternly, before heading back through his kitchen to the classroom.
She sighed and curled up in the corner of the sofa, wiping any traces of tears away from her face with her sleeve. She hadn't relived that memory in years. At first, after she had left, she had tormented herself with it. She had watched it constantly, telling herself what a monster she was, how she could have killed him. Then, after, she only viewed it if ever she felt weak enough to go back to Kingsley, whenever she lost her conviction. If ever she thought she hadn't done the right thing, if ever she was selfish and wanted to go back to him, she would make herself relive it…
She pushed the sadness and pain from her mind and pulled her book back towards her. She needed to think about something else.
Half an hour later, Severus came back. She wondered how much of her memories he was actually seeing and suspected that it was more than he was letting on. He cast his spells and she let him slip into her mind again. When he withdrew he frowned at her slightly, wrote something down and then took a seat in his armchair, watching her.
"You need to relax," he said curtly.
She raised her eyebrows. "I am."
He shook his head. "You're trying. I can't have lingering emotions, in thirty minutes you will need to focus on a different one, in this state you will contaminate the results."
Serena merely looked at him, thinking furiously in her mind that he was the one who had wanted to do fear early on. She had known it would mess her up to see that memory again.
"Tell me about your project with the female students," he said suddenly.
She looked at him in surprise and then shook her head, "I know you don't care about-"
"Perhaps not just yet," he interrupted in a silky voice, "so convince me."
Serena couldn't help but smile. "I'll humour you this time," she smirked, her eyes suddenly lighting up, "I realised when I started that there is no real sexual education class for the students. The heads of houses are supposed to have brief chats about relationships between the students with the older years, but, for one, the women are just too old, and-no offence- but I can't imagine anything worse for a student than having you talk to them about sex."
Severus snorted but let her continue.
"So, really, any information they get comes from Witch Weekly for the girls, and god knows what witch porno magazine for the boys. So I offered to start a voluntary course for the fourth and fifth years and an open office hour for six and seventh year girls. I've asked Remus to put something similar in place for the boys."
Severus thought about her project and nodded. "We had a teenage pregnancy three years ago, a seventh year. And last year we had a problem of consent between a seventh year and a fourth year Hufflepuff."
"Exactly, I mean, we have horny teenagers of every age living under the same roof and sometimes in confined spaces, it's only natural."
"And these lessons would include?"
"Well, recognising a well-brewed contraceptive potion for one," she began, scowling at him playfully, "and knowing where to get one from, how often to take it etc. I will also study muggle forms of contraception which can be easier to find and are equally as efficient. We will look at consent, pregnancy charms, laws, changes in the body, periods, relationships… that kind of thing."
Severus nodded his head. "Useful."
She smiled. "Thanks."
"I hear you have also started advanced charms for the final years. Careful now, or Dumbledore will think you've not got enough teaching hours."
"I have," she smiled. "I really like working with the older students."
"They are the least hopeless," he allowed, and she laughed lightly.
"I'm ok now, Severus, really, go back to whatever you were doing."
Severus merely picked up his stack of essays and continued correcting. Serena took her book up again, and before she knew it, he was testing her again and pushing another potion into her hand.
…
For so many years Severus had numbed his emotions and allowed himself simple feelings like boredom, interest, annoyance, anger and distraction, and so today was a sensory overload for his brain. It was taking a lot of discipline to keep his expression and posture straight and not to show his inner confusion. For months now, he had been slowly wakening, or that's what it felt like to him- waking from a long sleep, and finally discovering his surroundings. Ever since she had been brought into his life he had found laughter, challenge, longing, worry, and fear. He had intellectual debates with her, he made jokes and he laughed at hers, he wanted to please her, and worst of all he missed her during the week.
He was furious at himself for letting her creep into his life like this, but he was even more angry to find that he didn't want her to leave again. He had spent sleepless nights working on his potions and researching this uncommon branch of magic, trying to find similar cases from previous centuries to help find a solution, because he really wanted to help her. And yet, he knew that if he did help her then she would have no need of him any longer and she'd run straight off with another man… For someone who had spent so long caring about no one, this inner battle was tearing him apart. He almost hated her for it.
He found her so complex and difficult to understand, every new part of her he discovered only managed to confuse him further. The memories she had used so far- because, yes, he could actually watch them- had pained him, but seeing her in pain through the fire she had caused had also spurred him on even further to help her. He found this unknown emotional ground infuriating.
He tidied the pile of papers he was marking and put them to the side, looking up at Serena who was curled with her feet up on his sofa with a book in her hand. She looked exhausted, but her hooded eyes were still whizzing over the pages, her lips mouthing certain words silently.
"It"s time," he said quietly, taking another potion out of the diminishing line and taking out his wand. He sat back on the wooden chair and she sat up straight, putting her book to the side.
"Let's do it," she softly, giving him a reassuring smile. "I'm feeling the same as before, but I do have quite a painful headache."
"Show me where," he murmured, pulling his notes closer.
She pointed to the back of her head and he ran a targeted diagnostic charm over her.
He wrote a few more words onto the paper and grimaced. "Potions would intervene with-"
"That's ok, don't worry," she butted in, "I'm only telling you for your notes."
He nodded. "May I enter your mind?"
She gave a tired smile and nodded.
It must have been the hundredth time he had placed his hands on the sides of her head, yet each time a small thrill ran through him. It felt so intimate being so close to her, seeing her thoughts and feeling her breath on his neck.
When he was satisfied that everything was functioning as it should be, and that she had managed to push away the previous emotions, he withdrew and dropped his hands immediately. He handed her the next bottle.
"Grief."
Serena grimaced and looked down at her hands, looking worried. "I… I haven't really ever lost anyone… I've been lucky."
"You are young," Severus stated, his expression neutral. "You did not experience the war… A grandparent, perhaps?"
She shook her head. "Didn't know them. I had a friend who passed away suddenly two years ago. We weren't close, it was a friend of a friend really, but I was really shocked and sad when I heard the news. *"
"It could suffice."
"I suppose you couldn't use one of your memories to pass your feelings attached to it into my mind? I know you suffered a huge loss…"
Severus' face flashed with fury at her words and she held her hands up, back-tracking before he could curse her into oblivion. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean the memory or anything I just meant the feeling, it wasn't personal, it was clinical."
Severus breathed deeply for a moment, his eyes never leaving hers and then his expression smoothed over, and when he spoke his voice was calm, as though nothing had ever happened.
"Your memory should suffice, however there will always be a margin of error if ever the real emotion is too strong, I suggest that if this experiment does succeed that you notify Mr. Shacklebolt of a possible loophole, so that any damage may be limited."
Serena nodded, "Ok, I'll make sure he knows."
They used Serena's memory for the grief potion, and she tried to summon as many emotions as possible linked to her old acquaintance James, who had died of a potions overdose. When they had finished, Severus left her to her book and he moved back to his papers, occasionally scoffing or raising an eyebrow at his students' words.
"Might I use your bathroom?" she asked after half an hour, slowly standing up and stretching her legs.
"Certainly. Second door on the left," he nodded towards the door at the end of the room and she moved towards it, suddenly quite excited to discover the rest of his demure.
The door led to a small corridor with dark wooden flooring instead of the usual stone slabs of the castle. The walls were dark but decorated with taste with several framed maps. The were two doors on her left, one door on her right and a final door at the end of the hallway. They were all closed. She imagined that there must be at least one bedroom, perhaps two, a private potions laboratory, maybe, and … a private study? She knew he had his official teacher's office next to his classroom, but she didn't think he spent much time in there. She certainly didn't spend much time in hers. Although she itched to explore, she opened only the second door on the left and entered a dark bathroom, bathed in glowing light that seemed to emanate from the ceiling. There was a large, impressive bathtub in the centre of the room with four clawed feet. The whole of the right wall was a concrete Italian shower, dark grey and black and extremely inviting. And on the far left there was a white porcelain toilet and a sink with a mirrored cupboard over it.
She used the toilet and gazed around the room in awe. It was spotless, and absolutely beautiful. It was also quite impersonal. She spotted two soaps in the shower and another next to the sink, but there wasn't even a toothbrush in sight. She flushed and washed her hands, looking at her tired face in the mirror and wishing she had her wand to touch up her make-up. Almost without thinking her fingers lingered on the cupboard door, and she edged it slowly open, feeling like a naughty school girl.
The cupboard was perfectly well-organised. The top shelf contained a neat row of small potion bottles, she counted over twenty tiny bottles all labelled carefully in his own handwriting with the name and date. She saw common potions like pepper-up and dreamless sleep, but she also saw more serious ones, for muscle regeneration, scars, blood-loss, pain, and even a potion she was sure was poison. There were at least five potions she didn't recognise.
The second shelf held a box of medical bandages and toilet paper, and the bottom shelf had his toothbrush, Gilbert's minty-fresh toothpaste, a magical razor, a comb, a small bottle of aftershave, a deodorant, and a homemade bottle of bubble bath, lavender, according to the label.
She stayed frowning at the contents for a while. Why did he have such strong potions to hand? And bandages? She imagined he could have needed things like that when the war was on and he was a spy, but now? What reason could he possibly have for being so prepared for injury?
She picked up the bottle of aftershave, smelling it and recognising his subtle smell of spices and wood. She put it back exactly as she had found it and closed the cupboard, returning to his living room. Severus still had his nose buried in his papers so she allowed her eyes to linger on him curiously, looking for scars or signs of injury, but she found nothing to show that he wasn't well, apart from the pale colour of his skin.
"Are you quite finished staring at me?" he drawled unexpectedly, not even looking up from the comment he was writing at the bottom of a paper.
Serena pressed her lips together and looked away quickly, overcome with a sudden desire to laugh. "Don't be so vain," she quipped, "I was reading the book titles above your head."
He raised an eyebrow and continued writing, but she swore she saw the corner of his lips turn into a subtle smile.
"Sit down, Professor Lake, we're ready for the next stage."
She couldn't help but smile this time as she sat back down on the sofa and let him run his usual tests over her. She made sure to use her occlumency techniques when he entered her mind so that he couldn't see that she'd been through his bathroom cupboard. He'd probably never invite her again if he knew.
When he was satisfied, he passed her the next potion.
"I need you to conjure a memory with the feeling of trust. It is perhaps a more delicate emotion, slightly more difficult to pinpoint, do you have a strong enough memory?"
Surprisingly, Serena nodded immediately. "Yep, that's an easy one," she said, smiling. "But why trust? Whenever I have that feeling my powers don't go out of control."
"Exactly," he said in his deep voice, "it is a way for your mind to equalize, to find the same patterns and assimilate to this emotion. It will also help me link emotional combinations; trust and happiness, for example, make love. Trust and fear, however, equal submission."
She nodded her understanding slowly. "That's brilliant," she breathed, staring unseeingly into the fire.
Severus watched her curiously until she seemed to snap out of whatever trance she'd been in and turned back to him. "Ready?" he asked quietly, before shifting to the edge of his chair and placing his hands gently on her face.
"Legilimens."
Severus slipped into her mind with practised ease and the recognition of someone who knew a mind well. He did his usual checks, surprised that Serena was occluding her mind slightly, but he didn't press further into the matter, he had a job to do, and he too was starting to get fatigued.
He waited patiently for her memory to start, and, surprisingly, found himself watching… himself.
It was a memory from September that year, when he had taken her outside and made her duel him. He found himself engrossed in her memory, suddenly forgetting his mission and instead transfixed upon his own figure. They were standing in the clearing of the Forbidden Forest, the weather was warmer and there was a slight breeze that blew around the hem of his robes. Serena was wearing a light brown cloak over black jeans and a vest top. He remembered that top, how it had clung to her sweaty body as she'd duelled and had lifted up to reveal her flat, tanned stomach.
"Serena," he saw himself say, stepping close to her, closer than he remembered at the time. His memory-self was looking down intensely into her brown eyes, searching her mind and trying to understand her fears. He studied her expression as his memory tried to reassure her. She looked so torn between trusting herself and her instinct, or trusting him, a man she hadn't even known for a week at the time. "It is impossible for you to kill me," he was saying in a low voice. "Impossible. I can see that you're scared of yourself. Albus tells me you are sacrificing your life because you fear what you can do. This is the way out. Trust me."
Serena was simply looking at him but he could read the flashes of emotions in her eyes, he could feel her longing to trust, her intuition to listen to him, and finally a soft step of courage. She gave a short nod.
Suddenly the scene shifted, and Severus found himself in another memory of himself. It was the first time they had tried contact legilimens, and he suddenly felt her fear and uncertainty as he had asked her to close her eyes. At the time he hadn't really noticed her hesitation, but here he felt her inner battle, suppressing her panic and apprehension, and bringing to her mind the feelings of confidence she had started to associate with him.
She was remembering, he realised, every moment she had decided to trust him, building slowly to the feeling of complete faith he could feel humming inside her mind. He was almost numb with the shock of her trust and of her total belief in him. It was only as the memory changed again that he remembered his task and had to move away from the scenes, frustratingly unable to witness her other memories, and see the construct of himself that she had created over the last few months. She had a vision of him that no one else had ever had, he realised, except, perhaps-
He growled at himself in frustration and shut his own mind, focussing one hundred percent upon his rather difficult objective. It took him several minutes to harness her feeling of trust that vibrated stronger and stronger inside their connection and bind it to a part of her mind illuminated by his potion.
When he had finished, he pulled gently out of her mind and experienced the usual drop back into his living room. Serena came slowly to, and she blinked several times, swaying ever so slightly before her eyes eventually re-focussed on him.
She looked straight into his eyes, her dark eyes widening slightly as he looked straight back at her. She unconsciously sucked her bottom lip between her teeth and nibbled it, her breath slightly heavier than usual and her cheeks tinged with pink.
It was only then that he realised he still cupped her face in his hands, and he withdrew his arms immediately, yet couldn't bring himself to break eye contact with her.
"So you have been watching my memories," she said in a quiet voice, still not moving.
Severus' first instinct was a snide comment that rose to the tip of his tongue, but something stopped it from coming out. Her memory of trust was of him… She had fears and worries that he did not yet understand, but she had put them aside and overcome them to accept him. He didn't deserve it, he realised, but he could at least give her some honesty in return.
He cleared his throat. "The first three emotions I didn't consciously watch your memory, I tuned in and out every minute to ensure you were targeting the correct emotions. I couldn't always see the memory, but I could feel your feelings. I admit… that when I saw myself in your final memory, I was… perturbed… I rather thought you would associate me with anger, rather than trust."
Serena surprised him with an honest laugh that trickled over him like a warm shower, and her expression softened. "Maybe you're my anger memory too, don't rule it out."
He smirked, but somehow found he didn't want to move away.
"You know… I'd better not be wrong about trusting you, Severus." Her eyes flickered over his face and then she let out a huff of breath and sat back into the sofa, pulling away from him. "Now how about you explain to me exactly how it all works inside my mind, and what you're doing in there."
Severus nodded and moved back to his armchair, settling himself in comfortably to explain his magic to the girl who trusted him.
…
The final memory, for anger, was surprisingly easy to conjure as she had relived it once before with Severus. It was the memory of her parents in Azkaban. Severus had doubled his protective spells, and when she withdrew from the memory, completely exhausted and trembling with anger, there were only a few cracks in the stone slabs beneath their feet that showed her spike of fury.
Severus immediately placed his two hands on her shoulders and squeezed firmly. "You're back in Hogwarts," he murmured softly, "You're safe, you're calm."
Her eyes were squeezed tight and her fists were clenched in her lap, but she slowly relaxed and after almost a minute she opened her eyes and breathed in deeply through her nose focussing on the buttons of his white shirt.
He waited patiently, his hands gently caressing her small, slightly bony shoulders and willing calmness through her body.
"Urgh, I hope that's the last time," she sighed eventually, pulling away from his grasp and slumping into the sofa back inelegantly.
Severus summoned his notes, added a few comments to the paper and set it aside. "I hope so as well," he said quietly. "You have done well, very well. You are going to be extremely tired. I would ask you to stay for two hours at least, so that I can monitor you closely and take some measurements."
Serena yawned and nodded her agreement. "Ok, no problem."
"I have an owl to send and I need to speak with Albus. If your status or mood changes in any way, send me a Patronus immediately."
She nodded again and watched him as he walked to the other side of the room and began dressing himself in his usual robes, the buttons fastening from his knees to his neck with a wave of his wand. From within the pocket, he took her own wand and placed it on the sofa next to her.
"I shan't be long, but any change, you must contact me immediately."
"Yes, yes, stop fussing," she mumbled, waving him away with her hand.
He smirked. "Very well." He left with a quick, slightly wistful backwards glance.
…
She was sleeping.
He stopped in the doorway, suddenly caught off guard and unsure of what to do. His eyes raked slowly over her body. She was curled up like a cat with her head on the edge of the sofa and a hand covering part of her face. Her shoulders were relaxed, and he could just make out the slow rise and fall of her chest over her jumper. He approached her without a sound and knelt down next to her. She looked so peaceful. Her hair tickled her face in little wisps and her lips were dry and slightly apart. She looked beautiful. He didn't want to wake her but he knew he had to. If he had a choice he'd sit there for hours watching her sleep, but he knew it wasn't right. He reached out and gave her shoulder a gentle push.
In a heartbeat he had sprung back, the elbow that had tried to connect with his face held tightly in his own grasp.
They stared at each other.
"Well, well," he murmured slyly. "Where did you get reflexes like that?"
She glared at him and wrenched her elbow from his grip, sitting up and blinking sleep from her eyes.
"Just be grateful you still have the reflexes of a spy," she said grumpily, but her cheeks were burning. "And don't ever sneak up on me."
"You were the one drooling all over my sofa," he smirked, settling himself into his armchair.
She merely gave a small grunt and stretched out, yawning and looking around the room, slightly dazed.
"What time is it? How long did I drool for?"
"It is half past eight. You were asleep for almost two hours."
"So what happens now?" She asked, looking more alert and looking at him keenly now.
"I shall run some final tests and work on the potion. I suggest you come back on Wednesday evening and again on Friday so that I can monitor you."
She nodded. "Can I help with the next stage?"
"No."
"Ok... I want you to promise me something though," she said seriously.
Severus merely raised a slightly mocking eyebrow.
"No really, I want you to promise me that you won't lose sleep over this, that you won't spend too many hours on it, and that if you don't succeed that you don't blame yourself. It's not worth it. You have helped me so much already, you have spent so much time working for me, all your weekends since the start of term and more, and you have shown me that you really are extremely gifted, but if it doesn't work, it was worth a try, you know? Like I've really enjoyed spending time with you and you've really given me some hope that maybe some day someone will find a solution..."
There was a long pause. Severus wanted to tell her that he had enjoyed it too, that he never wanted it to end, but that he needed to help her, and that he couldn't ever forgive himself if he failed. But of course, she would only scoff at him, so he didn't say any of it.
"Are you quite finished?" He drawled.
She scowled.
"Good, then I shall proceed with the tests and then you may leave."
Surprisingly, Severus crossed the space between them and sat down on the sofa next to her, turning his body to face her. It felt suddenly strangely intimate.
She could almost feel the heat radiating from him, she could smell his unique odour and see all the lines on his face.
Her breath caught in her chest as he reached out a hand towards her face but he merely lifted her eyelids and checked the size of her pupils.
She had a sudden overwhelming feeling of longing and she didn't know if it came from him or from her. Her eyes grazed over his face from his dark eyes, over his large nose and down to his thin lips.
"Severus," she whispered, moving an inch closer to him as though some magic was pulling her towards him, but he had turned around and summoned his clipboard, and by the time he had turned back the feeling had passed. What the bloody hell was that? She wondered, her cheeks burning hot and her palms suddenly sweating. She was glad he was buried in his papers and didn't see her reaction because she was stunned with herself. What in the name of Merlin...
Severus took out his wand and cast a few diagnostic spells over her. On the final one, he froze for half a second and then cleared his throat, suddenly busying himself with his notes again.
"Just so you are aware," he said in a clinical voice, "you may experience spikes of emotions over the course of the next few hours. It is perfectly normal; you should just wait until it passes."
Serena blushed again, had he seen what she had felt? Had he suddenly sensed the magnetic pull she'd had towards him? Had a spell revealed her sudden longing? Or had he seen her clumsy movements all along and had merely turned the other way so as not to embarrass her with rejection.
Her thoughts flew to Kingsley and she suddenly felt wracked with a heavy guilt. How had she forgotten him in that moment? What was happening to her? What did it mean?
As though Severus had read her thoughts (and perhaps he had), he cleared his throat again and looked extremely uncomfortable. "Your emotions may not be your own for a few hours."
She nodded slowly, showing she had understood and tried to push her uneasiness from her mind.
Severus stood up suddenly and walked to his bookcase, running a thin finger over the spines, his face in shadow.
"You may leave now," he said quietly. "I advise you not to sleep alone this evening, I believe that Mr. Shacklebolt shall be more than happy to keep an eye on you. If you must take any potions, keep a note of their type and their origin. I shall see you on Wednesday evening, seven o clock "
Serena's mind screamed at her. Oh god he'd seen her advances and had been scared off by them. Bloody hell, how stupid could she be. And how embarrassing! She couldn't leave it like this, she just couldn't.
She slipped her shoes back on and stood up, straightening her clothes and smoothing down her hair. She felt exhausted. She stepped tentatively towards him and bravely put a hand out to touch his arm.
As her fingers made contact with his crisp, white shirt, he turned to her, an unknown expression on his face, and his eyes glittering in the firelight.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly, "if you saw or felt what just happened, I don't know what it was, I think it was the emotions out of control, like you said..."
Severus said nothing but he seemed, ever so slightly, to move forward an inch so that he really loomed over her, and she could see his strained face even clearer in the glow of the fire.
"Thank you so much for everything you've done for me today," she continued softly. "You really are an amazing man, I've been so lucky to meet you."
She hesitated, wondering if she could kiss him on the cheek, but decided on giving his arm a little squeeze instead.
She stepped back, gave him a small smile and turned to leave.
"Serena-"
She spun around, looking intensely at him, and waiting for him to speak.
Severus seemed to stare at her too, until he suddenly pointed behind her. "Take your book."
She smiled at him and picked the book she had been reading up. "Thanks, see you soon." He merely nodded and she saw herself out, passing through his kitchen, picking up her coat and the contraceptive potion from his classroom and leaving in search of Kingsley's quarters.
Her body was heavy and her eyes hurt from tiredness, but it was her heart that felt the most foreign. She had such a range of intense and unknown emotions running through her that she felt lost. That sudden feeling of longing, had that been her own or were the potions really messing with her brain? She didn't know which one would be worse.