He says, "Oh, baby girl, you know we're gonna be legends

I'm the king and you're the queen and we will stumble through heaven

If there's a light at the end, it's just the sun in your eyes

I know you wanna go to heaven but you're human tonight

~ Halsey, Young God

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

REBECCA

With a heavy heart, Rebecca shucked off her gear and watched Sebastian do the same. Her mind was full of thoughts of Mark. Seeing him had been such a severe shock that she had let her facade slip in front of Sebastian. And the hurt and shock on his face as he'd looked at her... Rebecca squeezed her eyes shut.

Sebastian's voice cut through her thoughts like a knife. "How did you know that Blackthorn boy was the son of Lady Nerissa?"

Rebecca opened her eyes and tried to look unruffled. "Because he told me," she said, in a tone that she hoped made it clear that she didn't want to talk about it. Sebastian did not press her further, but the look in his eyes made it clear exactly how he felt about Mark.

"Let's get out of here," Rebecca said lightly, trying to change the subject. "The weather is so beautiful. What do you say?" She knew he could never say no to her.

And that was how they found themselves walking down the Santa Monica Pier. The evening was cool, and the moon shone like silver. Water lapped gently against the sides of the pier in a soft, rhythmic waves.

"Ooh, look." Sebastian pointed. "Santa Monica Pier Aquarium." He turned and raised his eyebrows at Rebecca. "We simply have to go there," he said, and dragged her inside, despite her protests.

Inside, it was much quieter, and nearly empty, since the aquarium was only a few minutes away from closing. The few people that were inside looked like pale blue ghosts in the light cast by the huge aquariums.

"Sarcastic fringehead." Sebastian laughed, pointing at the tank to his left. The so-called fish eyed him beadily through the glass. It was quite ugly, with an oblong body and serrated fins.

"A small but very hardy fish with a large mouth and aggressive territorial behavior," Rebecca read off the display plaque. "Sounds like someone I know." She shot Sebastian a knowing look.

"I'll take that as a compliment." Sebastian inclined his head mockingly. "I'm sure we'll find one for you too, don't worry."

"No thank you."

"Humuhumunukunukuāpuaʻa."

"Bless you."

"No, look, that's your fish!" It was a small, but somewhat interesting-looking fish, with a silver lines running across its body. As they stared at it, it blinked slowly.

"The Hawaiian name means 'triggerfish with a snout like a pig'," Sebastian read, and then patted the tip of Rebecca's nose. "Humuhumunukunukuāpuaʻa must be your spirit animal."

"Stop it!" Laughing, she pulled his hand away. "I can't even say the name."

How was it that Sebastian could so seamlessly slide into this persona of Jonathan Cristopher Morgenstern, who seemed untouched by the demon blood? In the blink of an eye, he could change, and somehow shrug off all of the death and destruction he left behind him.

But was Rebecca herself any better? Just a few hours ago, she had witnessed a father nearly torture his own son, and she had allowed – no, facilitated it. She was no better than he was.

She didn't like to think about it, but she couldn't help but admit that she was... different. Stronger, faster, deadlier... but not herself. She would find herself somewhere and not know how she got there, or she would wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, her fists clutching the bed sheet. She was sure that it was a side effect of... the procedure Sebastian had used, but she couldn't bear to talk about it with him, either. She didn't want any reminder of what had happened; all she knew for sure was that she was no longer Rebecca Lightwood.

When they left the aquarium, the weight in Rebecca's heart had lessened, if only slightly. The water was much more still now, and the pier was almost deserted - it was quite late, after all. A memory rose in her mind like something rising to the surface of water - a memory of her and Mark sneaking out of the New York Institute to try to find faeries in Central Park. Maryse had caught them after, and had assigned them to weapon-cleaning duty. Mark had been angry and had grumbled throughout, but Rebecca hadn't minded. She hadn't minded anything that let her spend time with Mark.

"Are you alright?"

Rebecca turned around to look at Sebastian. His eyes were wide, tinged with concern. The silver ring around his iris was the same shade as that of the moon.

"Yep," Rebecca said lightly. "Why do you ask?"

"Because we just walked past Ben & Jerry's and you didn't bat an eyelid."

Rebecca stopped in her tracks. "Did we really?"

Sebastian grinned. "Yes."

She shrugged. "Not really in the mood for ice cream tonight."

"Then what are you in the mood for?"

Rebecca stared at the water for a few seconds. "Something like this." She turned and pressed her lips to his.

Sebastian stiffened, but he quickly relented, pulling her in to deepen the kiss and wrapping both arms around her. His lips were soft, so much softer than she ever could have imagined, and it was almost perfect, hearing the lap of little waves against the pier, feeling his hands on her and his lips against hers. Almost.

She didn't know how much time had passed before they broke apart.

"Do you want to..." Sebastian gazed into her eyes, letting the rest of the question hang in the air between them.

"Yes."

Rebecca didn't want to let go. His kisses were better than any drug, and she was addicted. For a brief moment, they disconnected as they kicked off their shoes at the door, but then their lips found each other again.

They stumbled into the bedroom, nearly falling multiple times. Sebastian scrambled to take off his shirt, his hands slipping on the buttons. Rebecca was surprised to see that his hands were trembling; she had never thought anything could unsettle him.

But this did. He threw off his shirt, and as he leaned in to kiss her again, she tripped over it and threw her hand out to balance herself. Unfortunately, she hit Sebastian's face instead, and they both landed awkwardly on the bed. Sebastian's lips brushed the tip of her nose. "Well, that was graceful." He chuckled, shifting himself so that he was directly on top of her.

She grinned. "Shadowhunter, remember? And by the way, you missed. Your lips were supposed to touch mine, you dingbat."

"My sincere apologies." He touched his lips to hers again, and then everything else just... went away. She arched up, and Sebastian slipped his hands under her shirt, swiftly pulling it over the top of her head, and throwing it away. His lips wandered down to her neck, and she closed her eyes as he traced his lips down her neck.

Sebastian's hands wandered to the clasp of her bra, and slowly undid it. Rebecca sat bolt upright.

"Jesus, Rebecca," Sebastian said, sitting back, looking amused. "What's wrong?"

"I can't do this." Rebecca quickly clasped her bra again, and began scrambling around on the floor for her t-shirt. She didn't know why, but she simply could not go any further - in fact, she felt sick. Sebastian was looking at her expressionlessly. Having slipped on her t-shirt, Rebecca sat back on the pillows. "Maybe we should just take it slow..."

"But I don't want to," Sebastian said, and his eyes flashed. "I don't want to take it slow, Rebecca. I want you. By god, I want you." His lips crashed into hers again, hands sliding up under her shirt, but she pushed him away.

"No, Sebastian. We need to talk."

Sebastian stared at her for a second. "You want to do this... right now?"

"Yes." Fear prickled her spine, but she knew she had to sound confident to make this work. She had his attention. Now, she had to make sure it didn't go to waste. "We need to talk about your... mission, or whatever you want to call it."

"Mission?"

"This whole thing. The Infernal Cup. Turning Shadowhunters."

Sebastian put his hands to his temples. "And you're suddenly questioning this... why?"

"Because it seems fruitless! Yes, the Clave needs to change, but not like this! You can't rid the world of demons by storming Institutes and killing people." When he didn't say anything, she continued, "I didn't kill that girl today. I let the younger Blackthorn family go."

Sebastian looked up. "Are you telling the truth?" His voice had become dangerously soft, something that should have spiked her fear, but now, she wasn't afraid. Not anymore.

"Yes. They were kids, Sebastian. If you think I'll murder twelve-year-olds for you, you're wrong."

For a second, Sebastian looked like he wanted nothing more than to finish what the Endarkened who had stabbed her had started, but then he stood up. "You think you're not like me, but you are."

"No, I am not."

Sebastian grabbed my wrist, yanking me up. "Really? Then who stood by me and watched the Shadowhunters turn into Endarkened? How many have you watched me do that to? And what have you done to stop that from happening?"

Rebecca twisted out of his grasp. "I am with you, Sebastian, you know that. But I will not stand for killing. You're tainting us, not making us stronger. Demonic alliance-"

"So you regret what I did to save your life?"

Yes! she wanted to scream. You've made me a thing, a monster, something even worse than an Endarkened! She said nothing, but Sebastian looked like he had gotten the answer he was looking for.

I trusted you, Rebecca," he said quietly. "But you're just as filthy as the rest of them. If you don't believe in what I'm doing, maybe you should rejoin your filthy family. The family that refuses to accept you." He grabbed a pillow from the bed, and pulled his t-shirt back on. "I'm sleeping downstairs tonight."

She caught him by the arm before he could leave. "Deny it all you want, but I know that there is a sliver of goodness in you. And I'm determined to bring it out, Jonathan."

Sebastian's eyes flashed. "I love you, Rebecca. But if you're with me, you're all in or you're all out. I won't keep dangling for you."

And then he was gone.