Chapter 26: John Phoenix Saves the POW's
A/N Okay this is kinda long but that's because I basically combined two different chapters. Next chapter will be shorter.
John Phoenix, Matt, Shelly, Merlin, Edgeworth, and Klavier and his men were on a tour of the US base just outside Khurain City. This tour was being conducted by none other than General Piston Payne himself, the supreme leader of all military operations in Khurain. Also in attendance were the Chief Air Force Lawyer and the Chief Navy Lawyer. Even though Khurain is a landlocked country, it has many rivers that the Navy could put boats in, so the Chief Navy Lawyer's presence in the country was more than justified.
"Glad to finally have you here, John Phoenix," said General Payne, leading them past a statue honoring POW's (it was modeled after Apollo). "I read in the papers how you trounced my brother Winston in court. I was amazed, sir, how could such a young man do it? A military lawyer of your skill will be a great boon to the war effort. It's... an honor to have you here, sir."
John Phoenix ignored him. John Phoenix didn't even know who General Payne was. He suspected he might be the butler. In any case, the man's job or even his name didn't matter to John Phoenix. John Phoenix knew listening to this inane babbling was pointless. John Phoenix would rather concentrate on eating his ice cream cone.
Why did John Phoenix have an ice cream cone? Simple: John Phoenix had used his expert knowledge of human psychology to manipulate the previous owner of the ice cream cone into giving it to him. John Phoenix was a master of emotional manipulation; he had been since babyhood, when he had punched holes in the walls and broke dishes in order to emotionally manipulate his mother Mary into letting him play games on her laptop.
Those "tears" he shed in the triplane in chapter 22? Those were fake, obviously. The idea of John Phoenix crying is ludicrous. He had merely been pretending to cry, in order to further hone his emotional manipulation skills. Now he could fake crying on demand like a true expert in humans. He was planning on using these fake tears to bend people to his will.
"That tank over there belonged to Bobby Gant himself," said General Payne, pointing it out. John Phoenix looked over, vaguely interested. "After he died, Bobby's grandson Damon inherited it and used it during his detective career to kill bank robbers and the like. Now it's been decommissioned and the chaplain lives in it." The chaplain popped out of the hatch and waved as he watered some pansies growing out of the barrel.
John Phoenix got bored again, because he couldn't use this tank to kill people, so his mind went back to the fake triplane weeping. Those thoughts about being "sad" and "lonely"? He had only pretended to think those thoughts. John Phoenix thought that it was a good idea to learn how to hide his true thoughts in order to protect his thoughts from the psychic manipulator who had broken into his brain and read his thoughts.
Yes, psychic manipulator.
You see, shortly before he had boarded the triplane, John Phoenix looked around his mind and saw that his thoughts had been disarranged! John Phoenix suspected that this was the result of a manipulator poking around in his mind. Hence why he thought those false thoughts: to hide his true thoughts from the psychic criminal, and make himself appear more vulnerable than he really was.
John Phoenix is smart.
After the tour everybody went to General Piston Payne's quarters to discuss John Phoenix's first order of business in Khurain: liberating the POW's. General Payne pulled a map down and tapped it with a riding crop.
"The KRA POW camp is actually located just over the eastern border in Khurainistan, here," he said. "This mission is strictly volunteer only. I don't pretend to fully understand the geopolitical realities of the situation, as they're very complicated, but basically the United States has a treaty with the government of Khurainistan and sending an official rescue team over the border would violate the treaty. You'll have to give up your dog tags, and if you're captured we'll deny all involvement." Payne held out his upturned helmet.
"I volunteer," said Edgeworth. He stepped forward and dropped his dog tags and his prosecutor badges (civilian and military) into the helmet. John Phoenix did likewise. He kept his uncle's magic badge, however.
"What about that?" asked Piston, pointing to the bullet around John Phoenix's neck.
"I'm keeping that."
Matt Engarde and Shelly de Killer dropped their tags in next. They had gone through an expedited boot camp training program back in the US because they were already so good at killing people. Now they were soldiers.
Klavier Gavin, Max Galactica, and Ben Woodman went next. Ron DeLite adjusted the helicopter blade in his neck and waved.
"Well, good luck and all that, sir," he said. "Um, I'd better go have the nurse look at this..."
Klavier ripped Ron's tags off. "Oh hell no, Ron, you little faker. I saw you running when you thought we were taking off without out you. 'Wahhhhhh, don't leeeeeeeave meeeeeeeeeeeee!'" he mocked. "You're coming with us."
And so John Phoenix and company left to pray in church before the mission.
Later... the POW camp... noon...
Apollo Justice was sharing his cell with Kyle Hyde and Dylan Fitchar. Apollo was extremely thin and diseased looking. He had a huge dirty beard that dragged behind him on the floor. All his teeth had fallen out and he was bald now. His spine had collapsed from lack of vitamins so now he was only 4'10", even shorter than Trucy.
Kyle Hyde was very sad to see his friend in such a state. Kyle himself however still looked great and even more handsome than usual. His genes were just better adapted than Apollo's to the harsh conditions of the POW camp, he supposed.
The prison cell had walls. It also had a ceiling and a floor. The floor was made of dirt. There was a window. Kyle was using the sunlight from this window and a magnifying glass to burn his facial hair off. Suddenly Apollo tugged weakly at his pant leg.
Kyle looked down. Apollo pointed at Dylan. Dylan had chocolate bars sticking out of the back of his pants.
Kyle stopped shaving and confronted Dylan.
"Where'd you get the candy, Dylan?"
Dylan made a creepy face. "I'm sorry, Mr. Hyde, I didn't realize that was any business of yours."
"I'm making it my business, Dylan." Kyle jabbed his finger at Dylan. "Because last time I checked this place didn't have a candy shop!"
"That's..."
"You got those chocolate bars from the guards, didn't you?"
Dylan shrugged and smiled. "Y-yeah, so what? People give me stuff all the time. What can I say? People like me. I'm a nice guy."
"Don't give me that crap, Dylan!" said Kyle angrily. "You've been playing stoolie, haven't you!"
"Oh my god..." Dylan covered his mouth.
"You told the guards about Louie's escape plan!" Kyle pointed out the window. "THAT'S why he was taken away and why he's being crucified in the courtyard! THAT'S why the guards gave you chocolate!"
Dylan broke down and cried pathetically and begged for forgiveness. Kyle responded by beating him to within an inch of his life and taking his chocolate.
"You reap what you sow, Dylan," said Kyle as Dylan sobbed and crawled into the corner to die. Kyle and Apollo shared the chocolate. Kyle also went to the window and tried to throw a bar into Louie's mouth but he missed.
"It's alright, Officer Hyde," Louie DeNonno said from the cross. "You tried, brother." Suddenly the air raid sirens went off! Louie craned his neck upward. "What the hell?"
In the air above the camp...
"Watch this, Mr. John Phoenix, sir," said Matt Engarde. He was lying on the top wing of the triplane. He aimed his rifle at a guard tower and headshotted a guard.
"Not bad, Matthew old boy, but watch this," said Shelly from the middle wing. The sirens were blaring and the other guards in the tower were returning fire. Shelly took careful aim and fired a bullet that went through a guard's scope and into the man's eye.
Everyone applauded Shelly's marksmanship. Except John Phoenix. He was unimpressed. John Phoenix threw off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves, and shouldered his custom M16. He aimed at the final guard in that particular watchtower and fired a bullet with such perfect accuracy that it went into the barrel of the guard's gun and exploded it, killing the guard fastly. John Phoenix smirked big.
"Excellent shot, John Phoenix," said Edgeworth. "Now hold on, everyone, I'm bringing this bird down." The Edgeworth II flew over the walls of the camp and dived toward the formation of guards firing at the plane. Iron Maiden- Wasted Years was blaring over the triplane's stereo system. Edgeworth fired the machine guns and ripped the enemy soldiers apart. Then he pulled up out of the dive and flew low along the ground, chasing after the guards and dismembering them with the propellers.
John Phoenix and the others leapt out the plane and started fighting on the ground while Edgeworth flew after some wounded guards and finished them off. The first thing John Phoenix did was check his inventory.
He had: his custom M16, extra ammo, a pair of God's magic handcuffs, the angel gun, his uncle's magic badge, and his custom legal documents. So far he had three magical artifacts.
While John Phoenix was checking his inventory, Merlin was shooting magic bolts out of his fingers and turning the guards into frogs. Ben and Max stomped them into a bloody mess.
A conga line of soldiers rushed at Klavier! Klavier tried to shoot them, but his rifle jammed! Things looked bad, but then he got a good idea and ripped the helicopter blade out of Ron's neck and threw it along the ground like a boomerang and it sliced all the guards' feet off!
"Heh, that was quite the feat, if I do say so myself," chuckled Klavier.
John Phoenix looked up from checking his inventory and a guard on a motorcycle was speeding toward him! The guard swung a katana, but John Phoenix dived out of the way. Then John Phoenix turned to a nearby enemy soldier and punched a hole in the man's stomach and ripped his intestines out.
"Sorry, I need to borrow this."
John Phoenix quickly fashioned the man's severed intestinal tract into a lasso, and then threw it around the cyclist's neck and pulled him off the bike!
"Miles, over here!" cried John Phoenix. The triplane flew just overhead and John Phoenix tied the other end of the intestines to the bottom of the plane. The triplane began to rise and the motorcyclist dangled in the air by his neck. Edgeworth carried the man over the barbed wire-topped walls and the man screamed in agony as all his flesh was torn off. Soon he was nothing more than a mere skeleton swaying in the wind.
"You just got 'boned' by John Phoenix," quipped John Phoenix intelligently.
Meanwhile Kyle Hyde was peering out the window of the cell and watching the battle unfold. "I can't believe how long it's been since I've listened to Maiden," he said. Anyway, he knew it was time to put his escape plan into action, so he removed a brick from the wall and took two paper clips out from the hiding place. He had acquired these paper clips using the salesman skills he had learned working for Red Crown.
Kyle quickly straightened out the paperclips and bent them into L shapes. Then he struck a match with his thumbnail and set Dylan on fire. All part of his plan. Finally he pulled the fire alarm to summon the guard. Footsteps came pounding toward the cell.
"Don't screw this up, Hyde," he told himself, and when the guard opened the cell, Kyle dual wielded the paperclips and jabbed them into the man's eyes like ice picks.
"An eye and an eye makes the whole man blind," he observed smartly, then he popped the eyes out and threw the screaming man to the ground and stole his keys.
"C'mon, Apollo!" Kyle and Apollo left Dylan to burn to death and unlocked all the other cells. The freed POW's whooped and ran outside to help fight the guards.
Apollo and Kyle helped Louie down from the cross. Then Louie ripped the cross out of the ground and started bashing soldiers to death with it. He was angry because only Jesus was supposed to die on a cross, not regular people, so now he had super strength.
"Hmph, looks like this fight will be over faster than I thought," thought John Phoenix verbally, but then a tank crashed through a barrack and came gunning for him! Everyone scattered, but John Phoenix stood his ground bravely and stared the tank down.
The tank aimed the canon and fired at him... but John Phoenix caught the shell! He tucked it under his arm and started sprinting towards the tank like a football player.
The tank went in reverse and fired the machine guns, but John Phoenix just used his psychic powers to deflect the bullets so they killed enemy guards or his allies instead of him.
The tank operator was sobbing, and the other soldiers in the tank were praying at an icon shelf in the corner. They knew what was going to happen.
John Phoenix suddenly leapt sixty feet into the air! The tank raised the canon and fired, but John Phoenix just did a barrel roll and dodged the shot, and then slam dunked the shell down the barrel of the tank and the tank exploded in a huge mushroom cloud!
John Phoenix landed gracefully on the ground and bowed as his friends and the POW's cheered. All the guards were dead or captured now. It was a great victory. Matt Engarde climbed the flagpole and ripped down the KRA flag and put up the American flag. Everyone saluted, and Shelly played the Star Spangled Banner on his trumpet.
Edgeworth landed the plane and congratulated John Phoenix for basically single handedly winning the battle. Unfortunately, there had been casualties.
Max Galactica was dying. The chaplain was giving him his last rites.
"It hurts bad, sarge," Max moaned. There was a bullet in his chest.
"It's okay, soldier," responded Klavier. "You're going home now."
"I wish I coulda visited the farm... one last time... and petted the pigs... and eat some of momma's cornbread..." He coughed blood.
"You will, Max," sobbed Klavier. "I promise. We're gonna put you in a box and drape it with the flag, and then we're gonna send it to the farm and your mom can put as much cornbread and pigs in the casket as she wants. Then you'll be buried in Arlington like a hero."
Max smiled. "It was nice serving with you... sir..."
Klavier weeped openly. He starting pounding his fists into Max's chest. "Die already! Die, damn you!" he screamed. "Stop tormenting my soul with this heartache! Oh god!" The pounding pushed the bullet into Max's heart and he died. It was for the best. It spared Max further suffering.
John Phoenix thought Klavier's theatrics were a little embarrassing. Max Galactica was just a person, and not a very good one at that. Anyway, then Dylan Fitchar ran over and he was on fire!
"Ahhhh help me!" he screamed.
"Quick, someone douse that man with something!" ordered Edgeworth.
Louie ran over. "Don't worry, I got this."
"No, you fool, don't!" shouted Edgeworth. "That's gasoline!"
"Whoops," said Louie, and he splashed Dylan with gasoline and Dylan burst into even bigger flames. Everyone laughed as he ran around squealing like a pig and fanning the flames, because it was funny and he deserved it. Sadly, Merlin, being the spoilsport he is, used an ice spell to put out the flames.
"Well," Edgeworth clapped his hands, "if you're all finished with your fun and games, it's about time we head back to Khurain."
"Not so fast," said a mysterious voice, unnaturally deep and obviously being passed through a voice changer. "John Phoenix still has one more opponent to face." A man in a white suit of power armor with a giant pair of mechanical wings descended from the sky and hovered over the camp. His face was hidden by a cool helmet with a black visor. He looked like a knight and an angel and a robot at the same time.
"Who are you?" demanded John Phoenix. "And how dare you challenge me?"
"I am the Dragon," the man responded. "The supreme leader of the KRA."
John Phoenix immediately raised his M16 and emptied a magazine into the man, but the suit made him impervious to bullets. So John Phoenix got a rocket launcher off a dead soldier and fired it at the Dragon, but the strange leader just caught the rocket and then threw it over his shoulder like a piece of trash.
"If that's all you can do, then I'm afraid you wasted your time coming to Khurain."
John Phoenix flew at him, cocking back his fist... but the man reached out and grabbed him the throat!
"Gak!" noised John Phoenix. Everyone below gasped.
"Do you have any idea how easy it'd be for me to break your neck right now?" asked the Dragon, squeezing. "But still, I won't do it. It would be a shame to kill you in Khurainistan, and not my homeland of Khurain. Besides, unlike you, I don't derive joy from wantonly taking people's lives."
John Phoenix flexed his neck muscles and the man's gauntlet immediately shattered and John Phoenix fell to the ground. Edgeworth and Matt helped him up as the others fired at the Dragon.
"Hmm, maybe you're stronger than I thought," said the Dragon, ignoring the bullets. He threw out his hand. "John Phoenix! I know you're not as stone hearted as you pretend to be. You've been deeply affected by your mother's death, and you miss your family. So I implore you, return to America. Defend your uncle. Leave Khurain. I don't want to kill you if I don't have to." Then the KRA leader activated the rocket thrusters in his boots and flew off.
John Phoenix smirked, despite his sore neck. Because his brilliant plan of thinking fake thoughts about being "lonely" and "sad" in his head had paid off. And now he knew who had been sneaking around in his brain... the leader of the KRA!
To be continued...
BONUS EMOJIS
Piston Payne 💂
Apollo Justice 👳
Kyle Hrde 👨
Dylan Fitchar 💩
Louie DeNonno 😩✌
The Dragon 🗿