PREVIOUSLY ON "FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING":
Note that this flashback sequence has been drastically shortened and updated, based on wonderfully helpful reviews from readers like you. THANKS!
ADDISON
(What if MEREDITH GREY had just heard, heard her declaration of homosexual tendencies!?)
MEREDITH
(Meredith is still thinking about that damn 'mystery person' and the note they left her)
(Because she's not sure she's willing to be with someone who's held out that long to a secret.)
(IS SHE READY? How would she know how WILL she know?)
(Or maybe she wants ADDISON.)
(BUT THAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW IF ADDISON WOULD EVEN EVER LIKE WOMEN AT ALL)
(And she doesn't know if Addison would be the type of Attending to want to date a STUDENT.)
(But she's not so sure that she WOULDN'T want to wait for Addison once she's no longer her student, then, either.)
ADDISON
(DAMN NO LONGER PREGNANT PATIENT. AND DAMN AILEY FOR NOT PUTTING ME WITH GREY.
(But at least, if all the interns are in surgery tonight, Addison thinks to herself-)
(At least I know they're not all TALKING TO JOE! AND ASKING JOE QUESTIONS ABOUT HER! AND THAT NIGHT!)
(Addison doesn't want to hide ALL her secrets anymore... so the moment the interns are about to rush off to their assignments,)
Addison comes out loud and proud to say "Oh, and by the way, I'm at least kinda HALF-GAY, I mean for real I mean- I- Girls- Am-women…. You know have a good afternoon"
( And Addison never looked up, never glanced even once to her - Meredith- or anyone else as she moved to leave the O.R)
MEREDITH
(SHe's blushing and smiling to herself now. Hiding her smile from her best friend Cristina. Though she has no idea how much Cristina already knows yet-)
(Just how happy Addison Montgomery's newfound admission about her being at least half-Gay, had made Meredith Grey's whole day...)
END OF FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
In Which Addison meets Meredith in a bar. Things spiral from there. This is the story about what might have happened after Meredith asks Derek to "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me" but before he decides to do anything about it, and after SHE decides to do something about it. MerAdd. Meddison. Set during "Bring the Pain" GA. An Addison Montgomery/Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy Fanfiction. Written by me, bobbiejelly
Chapter 21: Break On Through Part Eleven
Addison scrubs out to do surgery with George O'Malley and Alex Karev.
The boys ask her if she is "really Bi or Gay".
When she says yes, they ask her for a threesome, to which she says "no thank-you".
They go to tell the patient the diagnosis. A Teratoma inside of his abdomen.
He's relieved that the surgery gives him a good chance at survival.
And he says to call him John.
They all exclaim - "Seriously?" - because "that's the name they give patients when they don't have an identity card" they laugh.
"Hey, don't make fun of my name!" John the 'no-longer-pregnant' patient says to all of them.
The boys come out to him saying that "dude we're like Gay Bros" (Alex) and
"I mean we're Bisexual Bros. Like Bi Bros. Sort of like Super Mario Bros. But GAY " (George).
And then they both look at Addison expectantly.
And thus Addison flushes, embarrassed a little, before coming out as "Bisexual also, but not a Bro ."
They thank him for asking George that question (did you like kissing that boy), and for giving Derek that dare (having Derek kiss Alex).
Addison winces a bit at that last, but she doesn't let it show to the Interns, turning away slightly instead.
He asks for a word with the boys "gay men to gay men" And Addison agrees reluctantly.
While the boys have their "Super Bi Bros" chat, Addison tries to call Joe the Bartender, to tell him not to tell Meredith that she had drinks with her that night.
But every time that she calls him he doesn't pick up.
The boys get a safe-sex talk from the patient, and they laugh because he's so wise and he's supposed to be the patient and they are supposed to be the doctors.
He just says he wishes his whole life was ahead of him, and not to let true love go.
Then he says, "Tell you what, boys. I'll keep Doctor Boss busy here for 30 minutes, so if you two want to find a place to be alone for that time, set an alarm, wash up and be back as soon as you can" he says.
"Are you seriously offering to cover for us while we go off to have sex? Awesome!" Alex exclaims.
"Least I can do for you fellows for saving my life. Now take some of these condoms from that tin over there, be safe and have fun. And send Doctor Boss in would you?"
"Sure thing, you're the very best!" George cheers. He takes a pile of condoms and stuffs them into his pants before eyeing Alex with enthusiasm.
"Your patient needs you, 'Doctor Boss', Alex says to Addison in a smirking tone as he rushes off after George O'Malley to the nearest on-call room or supply closet or wherever.
Addison laughs as they run off and the patient winks at them.
"Pretend you don't know, please, Doctor Boss" the patient pleads with her.
"It's more exciting, scandalous and fun for them that way," the patient John says.
Addison only nods with a chuckle, as she examines the patient's vitals one last time.
The patient asks if they can call his dead boyfriend's family together in case anything happens during surgery.
"I haven't talked to them in years. Not since he left me" the patient
Addison wants desperately to know what happened, but she doesn't want to pry.
So instead, she settles on counting the beats of John-the-patient's heart.
And as she hears the thump-thump-thump, Addison swears that she feels his heartbeats calling out for his lover.
"We were over, after this happened" John the patient begins, answering Addison's question despite her never having asked it in the first place. (Out LOUD, at least…)
"When this started to happen to me, I was so ashamed. I thought I was protecting him…"
John continues "but the truth is, I was protecting myself. When it finally got bad, I didn't say. And when it got worse, I still never said."
John says to Addison with sad eyes now.
"I thought at the time that if he knew my darkest secrets that he would run from me and never come back…"
John continues as Addison tries to gain the courage to look him in the eye.
"So I shut down, I made excuses. I asked people to lie for me. I stopped opening up" the patient says to her softer, even, now than before.
"But then when he finally read it on my medical bills which had come in the mail without me having had the chance to hide them from me, that's when it was over" John says.
"And the funny thing is, that he said he would have stayed if he knew. He understood that I wanted to protect him.
"But he didn't want to be protected" John explains.
"I had never thought about it like that before," the patient continues.
"I never thought that he'd want to know and to see all the pain and the worst of me. I didn't know that he'd have loved me for ALL OF ME" John says now with a sharp sigh.
"But, alas, here we are. And the worst of it is, is that it was the hiding and the running and the lying by omission that was what drove him away. He still loved me . I still loved him. I love him…"
The patient explains how he had loved the love of his life until the day his lover died, but that he never got to keep him after he's broken his vows to be truthful to him.
"Are you trying to teach me a lesson about honesty , Mr. John?" Addison asks a bit sharply.
"Well, not intentionally no. I was just telling you the story of my life. Unless you have something you're hiding from someone you love, Doctor Boss?"
Addison's eyes flash over with a layer of guilt, and sorrow and fear. She's not sure she should be telling him this. Or anyone this. Ever.
(But then she thinks that maybe this never is part of the problem. Maybe instead of the Teratoma that this patient has growing inside of him-)
(Maybe that's like the secret note that Cristina is still keeping hostage along with the sample chart with her handwriting…)
(Maybe she should just come clean before it's too late for her to have her chance with Meredith. Maybe after what Bailey just said that shouldn't matter.)
(Maybe they shouldn't be at all because of who they were to each other, who they were to Derek, who they were now as a teacher and student.)
(Maybe she should just ASK this nice patient what he might advise her to do. Normally she would ask advice from Bailey, she always had good advice, but Grey was HER INTERN…)
(And she can't ask Richard Webber for advice EITHER because he's like family to Meredith. And she can't ask Preston Burke for advice because he'll just ask them for a THREESOME - EW!)
(And she can't ask any of the Interns - not any of the ones who are not Grey or Cristina at least - because then they would KNOW all her secrets and go right and TELL them to Grey-)
(Even if nothing good comes of it she should probably tell Meredith this all HERSELF- right?)
(God, she wonders to herself how she can even consider herself a good teacher when she's all messed up in her own life…)
(She wishes she could just get some new color upon her bare walls, that she could start over…)
(I wish I could start over… that's the hardest part…)
"I wish I could start over… that's the hardest part…" Addison sighs, eyes widening when she realizes she's done it AGAIN - she's said her INSIDE thoughts out LOUD.
"You realize you could start over?" John the patient asks of her as she prepares him.
"I do," Addison decides to give into it. "And I know that I'm supposed to be the Doctor here and you're supposed to be the patient…"
"And I know that doctor-patient-privilege is supposed to be me keeping your secrets not you keeping mine..." Addison tries to be concise with what she's asking of John.
"But I really do need to talk. I'm really fucking lonely and I have no one to talk to. And the last time I talked was to a QUEER-AS-HECK-POTTED-PLANT - please don't ask…!
John the patient only nods up affirmatively at Addison, asking her to go on.
"Who am I going to tell?" John the patient, he laughs. "I'll be asleep on your table, I won't be able to talk" he guffaws his signature laugh.
"Well, the time before that that I talked was to my soon to be ex-husband's ex-mistress, who was sort of his girlfriend before she met me and realized that he was McMarried still..."
"And then she kept me company on that rainy day. And she was hurt by her boyfriend. And I was hurt by my husband. And we were both hurt by DEREK . And we sat there together…"
(Addison sighs as she remembers it all so, so vividly to this day.)
"I brought her home afterward, we shared a cab and she gave me her keys. I tucked her in for the night, fixed up her house, hung up her coat on the coatrack and I wrote her a not with no name"
Addison tries to explain it all quickly. She's missing details she's sure. But it feels so good to share with someone her story. Someone new who was not at all a part of it.
(Not in the same way that Grey and Yang and all of the Doctors here are, in the same way.)
"And then the next morning she woke up and thought that it had been a man. And that she had a complete blackout that night since before I was there…" Addison continues on and on.
"And then she asked me what I did that night and I lied. I told her nothing exciting. That I had an early night. And I never said a word about that night to her, not ever again…" she rambles.
"But then the intern matched my handwriting. I'm not sure no one else has. Well I do, I've been typing up all of my charts and writing only in my home" Addison says.
"Not that I have a home anymore, I still live here in a hotel… I have a trust fund… ok, you know what let's not get into THAT part right now!" she says off John's rather incredulous look.
"And I didn't want to be her hero. I didn't want to be someone treating her like a toy. But I wanted to protect her. And I wanted to take away all her pain…" Addison rambles again.
"And then I just wanted her to like me. And people teased me about LIKING her. And I told them that I was straight but I guess you know that I'm bent now. Or wait, BI now? Not sure…I'm new.."
"And anyway so I still have not told her. And one of her friends is keeping that secret for me as well. And she's sort of holding me hostage. And I think the interns will figure it out soon…"
"And I'm just so, so scared that once she finds out, she won't let me have her, not even like this. That I won't have her as anything at all… not as a teacher, or an attending, or as a friend or as MORE…"
(And Addison realizes that she's admitting her newfound feelings for Grey for the very first time. When she and Cristina had talked about this it was all hypothetical.)
(But apparently hypothetical love is not dead here, apparently. Because it's been blossoming into something much more…)
"And see I wish I could just KNOW, that she will run away or she'll stay."
"You'll never KNOW," John says to her wisely. "You'll never KNOW that for SURE," he adds.
"But I can tell you this surely; the longer you wait, the harder it gets."
"It's the hardest part, but it's like taking out all of this lump from me…" the patient has caught on to her metaphor as well.
"The longer I waited to tell, the worse it got for everyone. But when I come to get help, I'm taking my chances at a new start.
The surgery is not guaranteed, nor are your chances with them" he says carefully.
"But YOU can tell ME for certain, that this not-pregnant-belly of mine would have been outpatient if I had come in months ago.
And maybe day surgery if I had come in weeks ago…"
"But now it's an hours-long-surgery that will take up a whole team.
And I'll be out, I'll be gone, under the knife in your hands.
But I trust those hands, Doctor Boss. I trust you still, and I trust your sidekicks" he grins and Addison grins at that one too.
"But at the end of the day, my fate is out of my hands because I waited too long to make my choice, so my choice was chosen for me.
Have you ever seen an instance like this?"
John is trying to be relatable and it brings up her and Derek's marriage for Addison.
"Yes, in fact. Yes, it does. My husband couldn't choose between me and his mistress. She asked him to "pick me, choose me, love me." and then he asked ME what he should decide…"
Addison groans at the memory about that night in the trailer. Her very LAST night at the trailer…
"And in the end I didn't let him pick her, or choose me, or love either of us. I decided to end it all for the both of us, for Meredith and I both - FUCK. I didn't mean to say Meredith. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. I need you to forget that I said that IMMEDIATELY!" Addison flushes and freaks out.
"It's okay, you've said it now. You're doing great, just go on. I promised I wouldn't tell" he comforts her.
"She comforted me. That evening I told her he wasn't coming. He wasn't coming to get her because he wasn't sure what he wanted. And I was sure of what I wanted. So I pressed my rings to his palm. And I said "goodbye, Derek." she sighs.
"And I was the one to walk away then. I decided to decide. I took us out of his hands. And I went to the bar to tell her that. I went to tell her - Meredith - damn you know now anyhow…."
"I went to tell her he would not show. Because I thought she should know . Because I thought that it would be torture for her to drink while she's waiting, and maybe never get home"
"And I thought that she'd want company, after he'd hurt her not once not twice but again. But really I think I wanted the company. I needed someone I could trust.
And for some reason I trusted her" Addison is pouring her heart out now as the patient is nearly moved to tears.
"She'd been hurt by the same person, broken, bruised and all blue. And I wanted somehow to save her. So she wouldn't become like me when she grows up. She might, growing up with HIM." Addison articulates rather bluntly.
"He wasn't right for me; but he wasn't right for her, either. And I just wanted to carry her home that night. She is so young. And I don't want her to lose that." Addison says.
"But I think that she already has" John speaks up now. "She's lost some pieces of herself from him that night. Maybe not as many as you, maybe more. But all that matters is that you were there for HER without thinking of receiving anything at all in return" John the patient now articulates.
"And all these pieces, they can have glue. Real friendship and real relationships can glue a soul back together. If you're willing to be around when the bruises peel off before they heal" he says.
"But let's go back to your soon to be ex-husband's situation for a second. You say 'he had two loves, he had two hearts instead of one'. You said 'young man, what have you done' John quotes an old poem that fits the situation so well.
"And what has hurt you is that you felt his love had been divided. He didn't commit and he didn't give you either of you the love that you deserved to be offered" John says.
"And now let's take that and extrapolate that onto YOUR situation. That Grey girl that you carried home the other night, is probably still at least a little bit in love with that 'mystery person'"
"It's natural for her to fantasize about what might have been if that person had revealed themselves sooner, or who might do so soon enough," John says.
"But if she starts to love someone else, or be interested in someone else, she will face a half-love, a half-life, and a half-truth" he puts simply.
"She won't be able to accept the love that she truly deserves, or even the love that she might think she deserves" Addison rolls this modification of this popular wisdom around her head.
"She won't be able to let go - of her 'mystery person' ergo of you. Nor be able to let go of any lover she may like - ergo of anyone - of man or woman - or even of YOU." John says softly.
"ME?!" Addison exclaims incredulously. "Why would you add me twice to your equation?"
"Well your reaction sure speaks volumes about your secret loves and desires, Doctor Boss" he smiles up at her. John tries not to smirk at her, but he slowly starts to.
And Addison starts to smile back at him, because she's finally got someone to help her through this.
"Destiny works in wild and wonderful ways, Doctor Boss" John begins again.
"Dying does that to you. It brings you wisdom. It brings you light" he says simply.
"I know you'll say I'm not DYING- if you can help it all, at least" John interrupts in Addison's thoughts.
"But I'll say this; I see you care so, so much about this Grey girl. I see you watch her, I see you cherish her, I see you've carried her home through the night" he says in compliment.
"And I've heard you've been hurt before, have been neglected before, have been a giver before, have had to hide your needs before, and have had to lie before" he explains seriously to her.
"And I see these things colliding, in that you've always accepted the love that YOU think you've deserved. You've accepted to be humble, and you've accepted to exist only in the shadows" he says.
"You play a guardian of Angels, for the most part, Doctor Boss. But you've always been a giver, and relationships take give AND take. You do not have to feel all guilty, about asking for what you need" he says to her and her eyes sadden.
"You don't have to feel unwelcome, to say what's too much, and what's too kind," he says.
"And you don't have to feel so lonely if only you would let the love come in" John finishes quietly.
"But I'm still lost in all your metaphors," Addison says with such compassion.
"I'm saying that you do need to share this secret. You have to get this off your chest. You have to go and tell this Grey girl what has happened that night instead-"
"Instead of watching as the time goes by and your chances all run out-"
"Instead of worrying about your options until they are no longer even there-"
"Instead of leaving her with half-lives when she could truly have a whole-"
"Instead of not taking a chance, and risking not having anything left at all-"
"And instead of waiting as the love of your life, might float on by, without knowing she could catch you, as much as you want to catch her." John finally concludes.
"It's okay to fall, Doctor Montgomery," the patient says to her with her first name now.
"It's okay to fall in someone's arms," he says.
"I HAVE, she's caught me when I fell one time when I was buying Cheetos from the machine" Addison explains, deciding it's the least of things to be embarrassed about right now.
"And did it feel right to be caught by her, to be held by her and to be cherished by her?" John is asking, looking right into her eye.
"You don't have to answer me that, you don't answer that. Not her, not now, for me" he says quickly.
"That answer, that should guide your judgment. So that YOU don't end up like ME" John says.
"So I think I have my answer, thanks to all your help, thank you so much for your help, John"
"It's been a pleasure, Doctor boss now, let's YOU help ME out now" he laughs.
"We will do our very best, to help you out and help you up," Addison adds.
"You've been our favorite patient for weeks now, and you've opened up our eyes.
You've helped us laugh, you've helped us, love. You've helped us well upon our way" she says.
"You've helped me live, you've helped me laugh, and you've inspired me to love again," he says.
"Now I would like to leave a voicemail, would you help me with your phone?" John asks.
And Addison says sure as he dials his lover's mother's number all by heart.
And then John calls her all to tell her,
"How he'd almost had it all. And how he wished he'd let himself fall enough to tell his husband the truth. And that if he had time before he had passed that he would have chased him all again."
"Because true love, it was worth having, but he accepts the love he thinks he deserves now. And he's realized that he's had it, at least one great love in all his life. And he thanks her for her son. And he thanks her for his life. And then thanks her all for everything, for everything he's done."
"And then he finally says he's sorry, for all the lies, the time, the gone." And then he cries a little, shakes a little and then he cries on Addison's shoulder.
And she holds him as he recovers, from the tears and all the fears. And she holds him as he rests now, from having shared and for having listened.
And she holds him as he tells her his last wishes should this be the last time he's on earth.
And she holds him and starts crying, too, when he tells her finally, to "go chase after that lollipop girl, until the very end of the earth. Tell her your secrets, let her ask you her questions. And then let her love you, let her catch you. And let yourself fall. Let yourself fall in her arms. And let yourselves fall in love" he says.
And Addison watches as the clearness comes over his expression, and feels as her own foggy green eyes have finally cleared up a little more than they have been in a long time.
And she leans down and presses a tender kiss to the man's temple, before saying "thank you, for everything." and then Addison promises, that she'll tell the truth, and that she'll try, and that she'll fall. And that she'll never look back after this moment, until she's truly letting go, of all the pain of her past.
And he thanks her, for everything as well, for being the very best Doctor Boss there is.
And then he says it's finally time, for him to decide finally, for him to decide to do the right thing, and for him to trust her and her team. To fall onto her operating table, and to trust that Karev, O'Malley, and Addison Montgomery, can give him the chance to live another life, no longer a half-life.
One in which he will accept the love that John truly deserves.
And after the emotional moment has passed, Addison finally summons the 2 boys.
"Did you have a good workout, boys?" John the patient asks of George and Alex with a wink.
"Very athletic," George says sweetly. As John, the patient only smiles.
"Yeah, I feel like, euphoric " Alex says, unable to contain a sly smirk.
"We took the stairs " George exclaims without warning. John laughs out loud now, with tears of joy replacing tears of all.
"And not the elevator ?" Addison lilts with her voice. EVERYONE knew that elevators were extremely potent aphrodisiacs around here.
"Nah, what's the rush in that " Alex exclaims at them all. "There's nowhere to go in there, with the stairs you can go up and go down all day without stopping" Alex smirks even wider.
And George punches him slightly on the arm telling him to "shhh, shut up ".
And at this moment Addison reddens as she realizes that they had been literal when they had just mentioned they'd spent all their newfound free time in the stairwell.
"You boys better not be too tired in my O.R after all of that exercise " Addison sobers herself up immediately, and she teases them lightly as they all laugh it off.
The patient mouths at Addison "thank-you" and, and Addison smiles at him back.
And then to herself, Addison thinks that it really should be Alex and/or George to be the ones to be gracing her with their words of appreciation.
For the sex, she means, for that.
But Addison decides to start to follow his advice now, not to be humble beyond repair.
So instead of turning away or denying him his sincere gratitude,
Addison turns to John and says to him, out loud now "you are most wonderfully welcome."
And she really, REALLY means it.
***** END OF CHAPTER 21
Author's Note:
NOTE: YES, I still totally REMEMBER Meredith Grey, Cristina Yang, Izzie Stevens, Richard Webber, Miranda Bailey, Preston Burke, Derek Shepherd & Nurse Bokhee exist... You'll just have to wait till the next few days to see that they've been up to in the meantime!
THANK-YOU folks all SO MUCH for the raving reviews of this piece. Every kudos/like/star. Every time this story is followed or favorit-ed or bookmark-ed or subscribed to this story. Every COMMENT - I live for your comments and waking up to them every day is my favorite. I'd LOVE some feedback on this work as we know it. It's not the end of the world though, even if you can't, I understand. :D
But I'd still love to know your feelings, your favorite moments, your funny quotes, the things you are surprised at. And also the things that you might wonder about, or be frustrated or feel another emotion by reading this one. It's a SLOOOOOOOW burn, I know. But we ARE getting there. I promise.
So what do you think will happen next? Let me know in the reviews, I ALWAYS write back to each and everyone if I can (I can't on fanfiction if you are a guest…). And I love the long and daily discussions picking the chapter apart. Fans have given me lots of plot ideas and have helped to plug some MAJOR plot holes (like JOE outing Addison). So if you find mistakes tell me and help I'll REALLY appreciate it.
Enjoy the next approximately 24-48 hours before the next installment. I do update almost daily now, like clockwork. But if I have enough written and I get enough reviews I MAY POST EARLY!
END OF AUTHOR'S NOTES.
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