Chapter 18: Moving Out?
She believed she deserved to be in that OR, no matter what anyone else said. Tom Evans worked magic in that OR. For the couple of hours, she stood watching him save the teenage beauty queen. She managed to leave all her personal qualms behind her, to feel the rush and high of the surgery. Evans let her assist, not only be a passive observer. She got to hold the doomsday sucker and her hands were like made of stainless steel, didn't hesitate, didn't flinch.
She let that surgery high carry her to the scrub room and then a solitary on-call room. It gave her a fleeting sense of strength. She wasn't even mad at Derek anymore. The adrenaline numbed her. She finally came to acceptance that the fairy tale was gone, the fairy tale that lasted over a decade. It was gone. Time passed. Derek changed. He grew out of that teenage crush he had for her. Maybe that was what her role in his life was supposed to be limited to, a phase on his way to something better.
She wasn't sure what would be more excruciating, walking away or staying with him knowing he couldn't fully reciprocate her feelings, her undivided devotion. She couldn't force him to care. She left the on-call room on to find Derek, knowing that she was about to change her life. Forever. Irrevocably. There was only a trace of regret that people who were dearest to her turned out unable to love her.
Her hands shook. They never shook. She had the steadiest hands of all the interns. But they shook now. Her throat was burning. She entered the locker room, but the only occupants were Izzie and Cristina suturing a banana.
"Have you seen Derek?" she asked quietly.
"Nope."
"I think he should be around the nurses' station. His patient's in a very vulnerable state."
"Okay, thanks," Meredith nodded Meredith. She almost regretted Izzie gave her that piece of information. It pushed her closer to what she didn't want to do.
"Meredith?" Izzie's apprehensive voice stopped her before she left the room. "Is… everything okay? You look deadly pale."
"I'm fine," she said keeping her head down. "Do you…" she hesitated but decided to rip off the band aid. She faced them and asked with a clear voice. "Are you busy tonight? I need help with something."
"I have a shift," replied Cristina observing Meredith carefully. The sutured banana was momentarily forgotten.
"I was about to stalk for surgeries," said Izzie. "What do you need help with?"
"Moving out," she answered, her face impassive.
"Oh, my God…" Izzie gasped, immediately realizing what her words implied. She quickly got to her feet, but Meredith raised her hand in a gesture to stop her. She didn't want the compassion; she didn't want the girl time. Not now.
"I'll… I'll get someone to cover my shift," Cristina assured her softly. Meredith was stunned to see sincere emotions painting on her face. She didn't let them show often.
"I'll be there too," Izzie offered quickly, sitting back down.
"Thank you," she acknowledged.