Chapter 17: Interlude III
AKA: Of falling in love
Maybe you should just stop being afraid and just love her as hard as you can.
Fuck your walls.
Just jump.
There is no better time for bravery than in love and in war.
It felt good having you in my arms after the last few hours of war. War against gravity, that threatened to kill us when the engines died. War against fire, all-consuming and dangerous. War against nature, with its tricky branches and exposed roots and lack of directions. War against Ros and her damn heels, that had us four hours walking through the forest.
Now, your body against mine, my arms around you, your left hand resting low on my back, a few fingers unknowingly brushing my forbidden zone that doesn't burn… It feels indescribable. I hadn't known what I was missing on, and I was oh so thankful you had refused to become my standard submissive.
I know you were under the impression that 'friends with benefits' was a label that suited us best, even if it had started out as something to tell Kate. I wasn't as obtuse though, and knew that, against our instincts, we had become lovers, partners, boyfriend and girlfriend.
I was in love with my best friend, and it wasn't so bad.
I don't know when I realized it, I only know the first time I noticed I had thought the words 'I love you,' it wasn't the first time that phrase had gone through my mind.
I loved you when you called me to talk about your day, and when you did so to have phone sex. I loved you when you sent me playful emails, and when you used them to call me a hero. I loved you when we bathed and when we showered and when you washed my hair. I loved you when you smiled and when you frowned and when you bit your lip. I loved you when you slept in my arms and when you lay tied up in the playroom's bed, trusting me. I loved you so much there was no room to be afraid or to have doubts.
'Fuck my walls," I thought. And I jumped.
Because you loved me when you washed my hair and my chest and my back. You loved me when you cried at my scars and wished to kiss them away, yet you also loved me when you stayed despite the fact I wouldn't let you touch me. You loved me when you wished me goodnight and good morning, and when you greeted me happily every Friday night and sadly bid me farewell every Sunday. You loved me when you called me your best friend, when you asked me to share my secrets and when you told me your dreams. You loved me when we made love and when you let me take you roughly against a wall.
I had already loved you for a while when I realized I loved you, and this recognition came to me as readily as understanding you loved me too. I looked back and was able to point out every time you'd looked at me with adoration in your eyes and realized how lucky I was to be in love with my best friend.
Yet I had been blind of my feelings and who's to say you hadn't been too? So I kept to myself the secret for a little longer, barely managing not to blurt it out every time I said goodbye or I came in your arms.
Because you loved me and I knew it, when I lay in your arms after several hours of war, but even more so of love, I wasn't surprised when you pressed your forehead against mine and whispered those three words.
I let them wash through me and curl up in my heart before opening my eyes and whispering, "I love you too."
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, E L James does.
A/N: While in the original books it takes Christian forever to say he loves Ana, he loses no time in asking her to move in with him and marry him. It was in that... more confident and romantic Christian that I based his thoughts.
Tomorrow: Ana's reaction!
Recommendation of the day: Over The Counter by TwiAddictAnne.