Remember how Brooke mentioned that they might get some new 'visitors' now? Yeah. Meet Charles and Lamar.
Monday morning was, as usual, incredibly dull and sleepy. The only interesting thing while they were waiting for the bus, was the strange little black book Brooke was looking in. She stood between Lucy and Kenny, Lucy at her right as usual and showing no interest in the book, so the only one of them that could lean over to look without drawing attention to himself was Kenny.
Whatever she was reading, it was in some other language or something, as he didn't recognize any of the characters and symbols. Every now and again, a symbol or group of characters would glow dimly, some purple, some gold, and, even less so, red. He glanced at the other boys who tilted their heads curiously at him, and he shrugged, deciding just to ask.
"Hey Brooke," he said, catching her attention. "What are you reading?"
"This?" She glanced back down at the pages. "Uh, it's a reaper's book."
"You got that from a reaper?"
"Wait," Darren said. "There's more than ONE reaper?"
"Actually, it's my dad's. And yes. My dad is the Grim Reaper. The OG reaper. Then there's myself and my brother. And there's also some creatures collectively referred to as reapers. I mean, people die all the time, and my dad's only one person. He's like the boss reaper. Anyways," she waggled the little book in her hand, "these little books help keep track of it all. It shows the time and place of death of people. It even says how they'll die, as well as a bunch of other stuff, but the information depends on the person. And it will only show the people that are going to die that day, specifically mortals."
"Can you change it?" Stan asked.
"Not by writing it, no. Change requires action. These little books are simple but also extremely complicated."
"Wait, wait, wait," Darren shook his hands. "Did you say something about your BROTHER? I didn't know you have a brother!"
"Oh," she focused her attention back solely on the book. "I HAD a brother…" Lucy looked over at her worriedly.
"Why didn't you tell me?!"
"Because I didn't want to," she looked a little annoyed now. "Drop it." She skimmed over a page in the book then tensed, staring wide-eyed at it.
Kyle was playing with a little bouncy ball when he dropped it and moved to catch it before it reached the road. "Damnit," he muttered to himself as it slipped past his hands and bounced onto the black pavement. He glanced up and down the road before walking out into the middle to pick up the ball.
Brooke glanced up at him and dropped her book with a gasp. A vaguely familiar vehicle had suddenly turned down the road with an earsplitting screech, its rear end fishtailing a little as it zoomed towards them.
Kyle had only heard the truck behind him, feeling a surge of fear at not knowing how close it was. At first, he wasn't even sure what happened. He heard the screech of the tires and revving of the engine as it picked up speed, then felt something knock him over from the side as he heard a loud, horrid splattering noise and felt the vibrations of the large vehicle zoom past him, leaving a thick cloud of smog in its wake. He coughed and swung his arm, trying to clear the air around himself, then got back to his feet and hurried back to the sidewalk. "What happened?" he coughed out.
"I don't know!" Stan said. "Dude, are you okay?"
"I think so," he looked over himself, not seeing any blood or feeling any pain besides his right elbow, which had hit the ground when he fell.
"Holy fuck, Brooke!" Kenny shouted.
As the exhaust cleared, they could now make out a bloody mess of entrails and body parts dragged along the road, as well as what remained of a dark blue schoolbag and its contents. All of the boys looked utterly horrified, while Lucy only looked just a tad disturbed and said, "Oh dear…"
"Did she just fucking DIE?!" Darren yelled.
"Jesus Christ!" Cartman said. "They killed Jesus!"
"Shut up!" Darren yelled at him. "This isn't a fucking joke!"
"I'm not joking!"
"Dude, Kyle," Stan said. "Brooke just saved your life!" Kyle only stared, open-mouthed at the scene, unable to find words.
"Why the fuck did she do that?!" Kenny shouted. "I would've rather HIM die!"
"What?!" Kyle suddenly jumped.
"Or me!" he ignored him.
"Please," Lucy said calmly, "relax. She'll be fine, I assure you."
"What?"
"Remember, as long as the soul remains, she'll be fine. A truck couldn't possibly kill her. And – are you…crying?"
"No!" He wiped his eyes on his sleeve.
"I am!" Darren sniffled, rubbing the tears from his eyes. "Oh my god!"
"Oh yeah," Cartman said. "She's a Whatchu Gay."
"Wechuge," Lucy corrected him.
"Yeah, that."
"So, she's gonna come back?" Kyle asked.
"Yes, of course." Lucy looked at the time. "Likely before the school bus gets here, too. Ah, yes, there we go." She gestured to the bloody mess on the road. Strange little blue flames had formed on all of the pieces, engulfing them and then vanishing with them after a few moments, leaving only a trail of stained pavement. "That looked rather painful, though…"
"Dude," Kyle said. "That could have been me…"
Lucy picked up the little black book and scanned over a few pages. She stopped on one and took in a very quiet gasp. "Oh dear! That's what I thought…"
"What is it?" Stan asked.
"Kyle was due to die today. Just now."
"WHAT?!" Kyle flinched so hard that he almost hurt himself.
Lucy shook her head a little as she read the page. "How awful…" She closed the book and it vanished in a burst of blue flames. "That would have been so devastating. I suppose she didn't like that idea, so she pushed you out of the way. Though, reapers are not supposed to STOP deaths from happening…but she IS an exception I suppose. Still, I imagine that Quinzel will have a few words for her."
"A FEW doesn't even cut it!" They turned to see Brooke walking towards them, not a single scratch on her. She dusted her jeans off. "I would have been back sooner if I didn't have to sit there and listen to him and Dad fuss me! You're not supposed to interfere, you're not supposed to get yourself hit by trucks like that, you're not supposed to have my book!" she said it in mocking tones. "Whatever. Like I'm just gonna sit there and watch when I know my friend is going to die! You're not supposed to know that anyway," she mocked again. "You're an exception to the rules and blah, blah, blah!"
"Normally I'd agree with them," Lucy told her, "but I'm also very glad that you saved him…"
Darren and Kenny suddenly ran over and hugged Brooke tightly. "You're alive!" Kenny exclaimed.
"I thought I lost my best friend!" Darren said.
She had to reposition her feet so as not to fall under their combined weight. She struggled a moment then finally managed to move her head between theirs and gasped for air. "Oxygen – still essential! Hug – too tight!" They both released her and she gasped again. "Oh man, I was getting light-headed."
"Why didn't you tell us you could do that?!" Kenny asked.
"Yeah!" Darren added. "You can't go pulling shit like that! We're still new to this shit!"
She stood up straight and shrugged. "Sorry," she said genuinely. "That's only the third time I've ever died my whole life, so I didn't think it mattered."
"This has happened before!?"
"Well, not THIS…"
"I think I need to sit down," Darren held his head.
"That's okay," Lucy told him. "The bus has just turned down the street."
"I can't believe you sacrificed yourself for ME!" Kyle told Brooke.
"Yeah," Cartman muttered spitefully. "Me neither."
She shrugged again. "It was…kind of instinctual, actually. I'm just glad YOU'RE okay."
"Thanks," he smiled a little.
.
"All right everyone," Mr. Garrison said. "Take out last night's homework, and I'll come pick it up." He paused at Brooke's desk. "Where is YOUR homework?"
"Uh, it's…gone the way of the dodo."
"What?"
"It's gone. I did it, but it's gone."
"What? What do you mean it's gone?"
"Um, I…my school bag got run over by a truck this morning, and all of my books and papers got shredded."
He stared blankly at her.
"It's true, Mr. Garrison," Kyle told him. "I almost got hit by that truck, but she, uh, threw her bag and knocked me out of the way. She saved my life!" Stan, Kenny, and Darren all spoke their assurances.
"Hmm, you normally turn in your homework every day, so I guess I'll let it slide…this time." He walked past her to collect the rest of the papers.
Time passed slowly that morning. Brooke glanced up at the clock on the wall; it was almost lunchtime. She was just thinking about how awfully boring the rest of the day was going to be when she heard someone whispering to her from somewhere.
"Psst… Hey!"
She glanced around, but none of the other kids around her seemed to be the culprit.
"Down here!" another voice whispered.
"Wha-" She looked under her desk.
Protruding from the floor beneath her desktop were two big heads that resembled large fox or wolf skulls. They had glowing orbs for eyes in their sockets, one with yellow and the other with green. "Heyyyy!" one of them smiled.
"Heyyyyyyyy!" the other whispered as well.
"What are you two doing here?!" Brooke hissed through her teeth.
"We came to visit!"
"Yeah!"
"How ya doin'?"
"Wha- Get out of here before someone sees you!" she fussed.
"Brooke," Mr. Garrison's voice said. She quickly sat up in her seat and looked at him. "Who are you talking to?"
"Huh? Oh, uh…I– I wasn't."
"Oh yeah? Then what was so interesting under your desk, huh?"
She tapped her fingers on her desktop, trying to think of an excuse. She didn't have any papers or writing tools, and she hadn't bothered to borrow any either, so saying she just dropped something was out of the question. She opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted when one of the heads beneath her desk sneezed.
"Bless you," the other said.
"Thanks!"
Brooke rolled her eyes and face-palmed.
Tweek, who sat in the desk behind her, suddenly shouted. "AHHGH! What are those things!?"
The other kids turned to look. "Uh-oh!" One of the heads said. "Charles, we've been caught! Run!" The two heads pulled themselves down and vanished beneath the floor.
"Oh no…" Brooke sighed, knowing what was coming next.
"What in the world were –" Mr. Garrison was interrupted by a large purple and black vortex opening in the back of the classroom as large, armored figures stomped out from it in single-file. They were black and shiny, like polished obsidian, with glowing purple in the spaces between the body parts and joints, and each carried a large weapon like a battle axe or claymore.
"INITIATING CAPTURE AND MEMORY ERASURE." A deep, frightening voice reverberated through the armor of one of the figures. It suddenly reached out and grabbed Tweek, lifting him up from the ground, equal to its face, and a strange energy shot from its helmet and surrounded the boy's head.
The other children screamed and ran out of the classroom, along with Mr. Garrison. Brooke just slowly shook her head and stood up as the bell for lunch rang. Those two idiots, she thought.
Despite how large and slow-moving the armored figures were, it did not actually take them long to corner and snatch up all of the children from the class, as well as Mr. Garrison who had tried to hide in a janitor's closet. Unfortunately, they also had to catch quite a few people from other classes as well, since the bell for lunch had released them from their classrooms and the commotion attracted them, too. By the time school should've been over, they had taken care of pretty much everyone in the entire building, aside from a select few who were standing outside the building and watching the other children chatting casually as they left to go home. None of them seemed to remember or have any inkling of what had happened.
"Wow," Stan remarked. "They really have no idea that giant scary suits of armor came and messed with their heads."
"Nope," Brooke replied. "Their memories for today have been changed."
"Why didn't they change ours?"
Other than Brooke herself, the only ones that the figures had left were Lucy and all of the boys that Brooke had invited to her house the other day with Spike and Pixie.
"Yeah," Kenny said. "One of them caught me and picked me up, but then it said something about recognizing me and just gently put me back down and kept going. I almost shit myself!"
Lucy eyed him oddly.
"They're not going to bother with the people I've decided to tell my secrets to," Brooke said. "Normally they recognize without having to actually grab you, but I guess it threw them off since you always have your face covered with that hood."
"What WERE those things?" Kyle asked.
"The royal guard."
"What?! Really?"
"Just a handful of them, but yeah."
"What are they, though?" Darren asked.
She shrugged. "Just suits of armor and weapons infused with my mother's old magic. They're not alive or anything, just hollow shells. Usually, they just stand somewhere and, well, guard, but sometimes…this happens."
"Why?"
"Mother thought it best that mortals know as little as possible about the kingdom and its inhabitants. Just a way to protect her people, is all. Humans can be…violent and greedy."
"And monsters aren't?" Darren tilted his head at her.
"Depends on the species."
"Okay," Stan said, "so what were those talking heads under your desk?"
"Oh," she looked a little annoyed now. "Charles and Lamar…"
"Ah," Lucy nodded, suddenly understanding everything. "I see."
"That's us!"
The group turned to see two big, skeleton creatures pop out of the ground. Other than their eye color, they looked exactly alike. Canid skulls for heads, long arms with broad, five-fingered hands ending in sharp claws, large chests, and not a single scrap of skin, muscles, tendons, or flesh of any kind. They also had large wing bones on their backs but no wing webbing in between, and the lower half of their bodies were still below the ground.
"Heyyyy!"
"Heyyyyyyyy!"
"You two are still here?!" Brooke said. "Ugh. You two dummies take bone-heads to new levels…"
"Haha! Good one, Princess!" Lamar, the one with green eyes smiled.
Although they were halfway in the ground, they still looked down at the children. "Sorry, Princess!" Charles said. "We thought that would go…eh, differently."
"You two know better than to let yourselves be seen like that. That could've been a whole lot worse!" The two creatures lowered their heads like scolded dogs.
"Dude," Darren took half a step closer to them. "What ARE they?"
"We're banshees!" Lamar perked up.
"Yeah!" Charles added happily.
"Banshees? I thought banshees were like spirits or ghosts that looked like human ladies and went around screaming people to death."
Lamar laughed. "Haha, yeah! No. No mortal human has ever met a banshee and lived, or kept their memories, to tell anyone what they look like."
"Except you guys!" Charles added.
Their appearance was a bit frightening, being only skeletons of…some kind, but their attitudes made them much less so. The boys exchanged glances; they kind of wanted to pet them.
"We DO screech though," Charles told them. "And it DOES kill people… Wanna hear?!"
"NO!" everyone said together.
"Aw… Well, okaayyy."
"This is…so weird," Kyle said. He had gotten bold and went over to the banshees and was touching their ribs. "You guys are literally just…skeletons!"
"Yup!" Lamar said.
Charles giggled. "That tickles!"
"You can FEEL that?!" Kyle brushed his hand down the ribcage again and Charles was in a fit of laughter over it.
"Haha! Oh! Stop, stop!" He shook himself like a dog. "Phew! You're a touchy fella."
"Ooh, touch me next!" Lamar lowered his head to Kyle.
"Are you like, DOGS or something?" he obliged and rubbed Lamar's head.
"Or something," Brooke said. "Banshees are just…weird. Though, now that I think about it, a lot of the monsters like being petted."
"Except for Spike," Lucy added pointedly.
"Yeah, he's a stickler for neatness. That includes his feathers."
"He calls it professionalism," Lucy smirked.
"We like this kid," Lamar said, straightening himself after Kyle had stopped petting him. "We were supposed to pick up his soul today, but he's not dead!"
"Huh?!" Kyle jumped.
"Ah, so THAT'S why you're here," Brooke nodded.
"Yeah!"
"You guys are reapers?" Kenny tilted his head at them.
"Yeah!" Lamar said again, just as cheerfully. "Hey, you seem familiar…"
"I do?"
"Are you guys going to kill me and take my soul?" Kyle asked worriedly.
The two banshees looked down at him then looked at each other and said, "Nah!"
"Normally, yes!" Charles smiled.
"But the Princess herself didn't want you dead," Lamar said. "So, if we did THAT, she'd probably put us in the wall!"
"The wall?" Darren echoed.
"The rat wall?" Cartman asked.
"No," Charles told him. "THE wall!"
"All right," Brooke shooed them away. "Get out of here before someone sees you."
"Okay!"
"Byyeeee!"
They dropped below the ground, leaving not a single hole, crack, or trace of any kind that they had been there.
"Those guys were annoying," Cartman told Brooke.
She sighed. "I know. But I love them anyway… Those idiots."
…
Looking for Brooke, the boys had gone over to her house only to be told by her 'mother' that Brooke had left out the backdoor earlier and had yet to return from wherever she had gone. They filed out through the backdoor and into the yard, finding that Sniper was also nowhere around, likely having followed his master, so they made their way to the shed to see if Lucy was there.
They knocked first, but there was no response. Darren exchanged looks with them and tried the doorknob; it was unlocked. Inside, Lucy was standing at the tables in the back corner and writing something in a notebook as she examined a black and white rat. The rat had some kind of odd little helmet on its head that was attached with wires to a small monitor displaying strange text and symbols none of the boys recognized. Lucy would glance between the rat and the monitor then write something down. She picked up a small metal pen-shaped object and lightly touched the tip of it to the rat's flank. It produced a tiny shock that made the rat squeak with surprise, but it didn't seem particularly bothered and continued snacking on a Cheesy Poof that it was holding. Lucy wrote something else down then suddenly appeared to notice the boys.
"Oh," she closed the book and it vanished in a puff of smoke. "Hello boys. What brings you here?"
"Uh," Darren said. "We were looking for Brooke."
"Oh, she took Sniper for a walk to Tweek's house. She's going to help him with English homework. She's very good with writing and literature, you know," she added. "You really should have checked in before you bothered to walk all the way here."
"Uh, sorry…"
"Lucy," Kyle said carefully, eyeing the rat. "What are you doing with that rat?"
"Hm?" She turned back to the little animal, removed the helmet, and gave it another snack. "Thank you, little one," she told it before turning back to the boys. "Just running some tests, is all. Nothing too extensive or stressful for him."
"You…shocked it."
"Oh, this?" she held up the little pen. "I assure you it does not hurt. It simply stimulates nerves and muscles with a small pulse. Not painful, but a bit…tingly. The nonmagical creatures of this world are quite fascinating. Very simple things they are, but also quite complex."
"What was that thing on its head?" Stan asked.
"It measures brain waves," she replied. "This monitor can translate those brain waves and thoughts into text so that I can get a better idea of what the animal is feeling or thinking. This one, Brooke calls him Cookie, is mainly only concerned with food."
Cartman was eyeing the bag of Cheesy Poofs on the table. "So, you give them snacks for sitting there with a helmet and doing nothing?"
"Well, I have them do different tasks," she said. "Again, nothing very stressful and never anything painful. But yes, in exchange, I give them treats. Animals are very food motivated. The rats are particularly fond of Cheesy Poofs and yogurt bites. Though, some of them prefer berries and seeds."
"So, hypothetically, if I let you do experiments on me, you'd give me free food?"
The other boys looked over at him oddly.
"I would love to have a human test subject," she mused. "Unlike animals, humans require their consent, of course, so if you're volunteering then that's wonderful. Yes, I'd gladly give you any food that you'd like in exchange for your cooperation."
"Deal."
"Cartman!" Stan fussed.
"What? She said it won't hurt."
"Indeed," Lucy handed Cartman a small stack of papers. "Please read this and sign accordingly." As she passed by Kyle, she prodded him on his hip with the little pen and smirked when he jumped with a little sound of surprise. She went back to the table and sat down on a stool. "Now, is there anything else you boys needed?"
"N-Not really…" Kyle rubbed where she had prodded him.
"Actually," Darren said," could you tell us about Brooke's brother? She won't talk about him. She got mad at me yesterday for bringing it up again."
"I'm not surprised," Lucy said sympathetically. "It must still be very hard for her. Emotional wounds never fully heal."
"What happened to him?"
"Well, he…died."
"He died?!"
"How?" Kenny asked. "Wasn't he like her?"
"You mean a Wechuge? Immortal? Yes," she nodded, "he was. You remember the Nightmares she told you about?" They nodded. "And you remember how she said her mother's soul was destroyed? Meaning, that despite being an immortal creature, she was killed." They nodded again.
"Is that what happened to her brother?" Kyle asked.
She nodded. "Desmond, Brooke's brother, was two years older, so he was the next in line after their mother. When she was destroyed, he had to take her place. He was only four years old. Four years later, the Nightmare King returned, and Desmond had to fight him. It ended in the same result. Desmond's soul was destroyed, but he had managed to damage the Nightmare King so much that it forced the abomination to flee. Eight years is when a Wechuge is first able to take on its full-sized form, but the Nightmare King is bigger. Brooke did not take his death very well…" she paused, looking very sad now as she remembered. "It turns out that she has a greater power within her than even her mother did, but as a result of her heartbreak and grief, she lost control over that power. She still has yet to be able to fully control herself, and has had a few outbursts that resulted in mass destruction of the things around her. Just two years ago, the Nightmares and their king returned once again, and the third war took place. Brooke had to assume her true form while trying not to lose control, so she came up with the idea of sealing him away in his realm for now while she tries to tame her power. Hopefully, she'll have it under control by the time he finds a way to break through… The Nether and its inhabitants cannot exist without her."
"Dude," Stan said after she had finished. "That's heavy."
"I kind of wanna cry," Darren sniffed.
"She was in a WAR too?!" Kenny exclaimed.
"Yes, as was I." Lucy nodded.
"WHAT?!"
The boys all stared at her with shocked and sad expressions, aside from Cartman who glanced at them then casually walked over to Lucy and handed her the signed paperwork.
"Ah, thank you," Lucy said. She placed the papers in a filing cabinet below the table. "I do hope that you will all understand and forgive the Princess now for any harshness she has shown over the subject. I would recommend not mentioning it or the late Prince any further to her as it may result in...problems. If she so wishes, then she will speak of it on her own terms."
"Of – Of course," Kyle said, exchanging a look with the others. "Um, what about YOU, Lucy?"
"Hm?" she tilted her head.
"You dealt with all of that, too. Are you okay?"
"Oh, I'm quite all right. Of course, it is upsetting for me as well, but much more so for Brooke. Well, I was very upset about Desmond, myself. Being raised as the Prince's personal advisor, I was very close with him, and he was very close with Brooke. As a result, I have also always been very close with her, too. After he was destroyed, I was then to be her personal advisor instead. I spent even more time with her after that. She was a very depressed person. Her father got her Sniper as a gift, hoping that he would help her, too. And he did, a little. As did Charles and Lamar, believe it or not. They were the Princess's personal playmates, so they are quite obsessed with her." She giggled a little. "My own mother was destroyed in the first war, and my father is the captain of the royal guard and soldiers. Although he and I are on good terms, I never spent much personal time with him. So, it was Desmond and Brooke that I considered my family. They made me feel like I belonged. And, of course, I still do. It's nice to have friends like that." She turned away and carefully scooped up the rat in her hands. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return Cookie to his cage downstairs. Brooke should be back soon, I believe."
"Wait," Kenny stopped her. "One more thing…"
"Yes?"
"Those 'outbursts' you mentioned. What exactly causes that?"
"Oh, well if she tries to take on her true form there is currently an extremely high chance of her losing control and rampaging. Other than that, using too much of her magic in a short amount of time can trigger it, as well as becoming enraged."
"Enraged?"
"We've seen her get pretty mad before," Stan said. "But she never seemed like she was going to turn into a giant monster or anything."
"Then," Lucy said simply, "you have never actually seen her truly angry. Her energy might seem aggressive at times, but truly she is very patient and kind. Annoyed and furious are not the same things." She paused a moment and thought about it. "I suppose there could possibly be other emotional triggers, too. Like the first time she lost control. That was after she found out what had happened to Desmond. Anything else?"
"No," Kenny replied. "Thanks…"
"Of course." Lucy bowed a little.
Lucy, like usual, was right. They left the shed just in time to see Brooke entering the backyard with Sniper at her side. She stopped upon seeing them while Sniper headed straight for the water dish beside his doghouse. "What are you guys doing here?" They all looked very depressed, aside from Cartman who looked rather pleased with himself about something.
"I signed up for Lucy's experiments in exchange for free food," he smiled.
"Oh," she said. "Uhm, okay?"
Darren walked up to her, stopping about a foot away. He said nothing, sniffed, then suddenly hugged her tightly.
She tensed, feeling awkward at the sudden action without any explanation.
He let go after a moment and walked away, still not saying anything.
"What. The…?" She watched him leave.
…
They watched curiously as Lucy fitted an odd helmet onto Cartman's head. She had joined them at their table in the cafeteria and pulled the machine out of her bag; none of them were entirely sure how she had gotten it in there in the first place. It looked almost exactly like the one they had seen on the rat two days ago but much larger. It also had wires attached to it that trailed down to a little monitor she had placed upon the table. She sat down beside him, pulling out a notebook, and began writing as she surveyed the screen.
Cartman watched her the whole time with mild curiosity as he ate his hamburger. He didn't say anything until about a minute or so after she had sat down. "So, are you going to ask me questions or – how does this work?"
"I don't have any questions for you right now, no." She wrote something down.
"Am I supposed to do something?"
"No, no. Do whatever you like. Or nothing. It doesn't matter yet."
"Ookay…" he ate a fry. "Hm, what if I ask YOU questions?"
"That's fine," she told him.
"This is so weird," Darren muttered quietly to Stan.
"Seriously."
"Hm, Lucy," Cartman said. Brooke recognized what she referred to as his 'bullshit tone' and leered across the table at him.
"Yes, Eric?" She was still looking at the monitor and writing.
"What are your thoughts on Jews?"
"Of course," Brooke sighed.
Kyle loudly placed his drink down and glared at him from beside Brooke.
"Jews?" She actually seemed surprised by the question and looked at him. "Are you referring to people who practice Judaism? The religion?"
"Yeah. What do you think of them and their 'religion'?"
"Well I – I've never really thought about it before."
"Did you know that the Jews killed Jesus, our one and only savior? They're evil. And greedy."
She stared at him for a moment, her expression completely unreadable, then wrote something in her book without even looking down at it. "Eric," she said. "People killed him. The mortal humans. Their religion was irrelevant."
"It was too! They killed him because they didn't believe he was the son of God! They killed him because – because…they're Jews!"
"Irrelevant," she said simply and looked back at the monitor.
"Are you a Jew?" he asked.
"No. Religion is not a concern in the Nether."
"Did you know that Kyle is a Jew?"
"I did not." She seemed unconcerned and continued writing.
"Well, let me tell you about some of the bad stuff HE'S done!"
"Shut up, Cartman!" Kyle snapped.
"He ate my farts in front of thousands of people, on a big screen."
She paused a moment in her writing and eyed Cartman. "In – Interesting…" She continued writing.
"Oh god…" Kyle hid his face in his hands and shook his head. "This fucking asshole…"
"You ate his farts?" Darren looked over at him.
"He had AIDS once, too."
He threw his hands down. "Because YOU gave it to me!"
Everyone at the table paused, Brooke, Lucy, and Darren all looking at Kyle.
"It – n-not like that!"
"No, no," Darren told him. "I know there's different ways to get that. But, like, what the fuck?"
"HE had AIDS, and he snuck in my room at night and put his DNA in my mouth to give them to ME!"
"Had?" Brooke said.
"Yeah, it's gone now."
"Well," Cartman yelled back. "KYLE kicks babies!"
Lucy made a strange huffing sound, as if she almost laughed, and there was a very faint smirk on her face. "What?"
"I -" Kyle sat back in his seat and looked away. "It's a – a game I play with my little brother. He – He's fine!"
She blinked at him, the smile on her face more noticeable now, then couldn't help herself anymore and started laughing.
They all stared at her. Brooke looking the most amazed. "Lucy is…laughing?" she said.
"Why are you confused about that?" Darren asked.
"Her sense of humor is almost nonexistent. The fact that she's laughing…and about THAT… I am so confused."
Lucy took a breath and recomposed herself, a smile still lingering on her pretty face. She brushed her long bangs to the side and behind her ear. "Sorry. I was a bit caught off guard. Continue."
Sometime after school, Lucy had met up with them on their way home and handed Cartman a bag of Cheesy Poofs. "For your troubles," she told him.
"Aw sweet, extra cheesy!" He grabbed the bag and immediately tore it open.
Lucy quietly watched him eat all of the bag's contents, a mildly curious expression on her face. "Did you like it?" she asked once he had finished.
"Mm, mm-hm." He was licking his fingers.
"Good." She stared silently at him for another minute longer then said, "It was poisoned."
He froze. "What?"
She pointed at the now empty bag. "Those Cheesy Poofs. I injected a special toxin in each piece. You have two hours and twenty-seven minutes and counting."
"WHAT?!"
"Dude," Stan said.
"THIS BITCH FUCKING POISONED ME!?"
Lucy seemed completely unperturbed by his insult and started writing something in her notebook. Two hours and twenty-FIVE minutes…"
"AAHHGHGH!" He started running around screaming and flailing then came back to her and got on his knees. "Please! Give me the antidote! I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you mad!"
"I'm not mad," she told him. "Only curious. Besides, how could you be sorry if you don't know what you did? Anyways, there is no antidote." She wrote something again. "Two hours and nineteen minutes…"
He screamed and ran away again.
"Lucy," Kyle said. "Did you actually poison him?"
"Oh yes," she nodded. "But…I did not say that he was going to die." She looked rather pleased with herself. "And you think I don't have a sense of humor."
Brooke laughed. "That's a really messed up sense of humor, Lucy!"
"So, what IS gonna happen to him?"
"Oh, in just over two hours he'll become very close friends with his toilet, you know?"
"Oh. Ohhhhh."
"Ow!" Darren jumped and rubbed at his butt.
"What's your problem?" Brooke asked.
"My alien probe has been kind of hurting lately."
"You didn't shit that thing out yet?"
"Alien probe?" Lucy echoed curiously.
"Yeah, I got abducted by aliens our first day here and they shoved a weird probe thing up my ass. It was cool at first, but now it hurts."
"I see… If you don't mind, I'd like to run some tests on that."
He shrugged.
"Very good. Let's go."
"Oh, now? Okay."
Darren followed her all the way to Brooke's backyard and into the shed. He waited and watched while she moved some things and set up a table in the center of the room with a large light over it like the kind you'd find in a dentist's office or hospital operating room.
"Remove your trousers and underwear, please," she told him as she gathered up a few more things. "Then lay face down on that table."
"O-kay?" He slowly started to remove his pants and underwear, feeling awkward now. "Is this gonna hurt?"
"I do not know yet." She pulled on long blue gloves that went almost up to her shoulders.
Once he had settled himself on the table, she walked around out of his field of view. She took a small flashlight and a long, thin metal rod and barely pushed the tip of the rod in. She jumped back as a strange satellite dish suddenly popped out and looked around.
"Oh dear," she said. "How fascinating." She quickly clamped something at the base of it, preventing it from retreating back inside of the boy. It jerked a couple times, trying to go back in, then stopped and continued blindly surveying the room. Lucy went back to her tables and grabbed a little machine and some kind of scanner then went back to Darren and passed the scanner over him and the probe. "Oh, oh dear…"
"What?" Darren asked worriedly. He couldn't see what was going on.
"You have a very worrisome amount of radiation leaking into your body from this object. As well as…lead poisoning?"
"What?! Get it out!"
"Yes, of course." She made to move the clamp but the probe suddenly pulled itself back inside of him.
"Agh!" he winced.
Lucy gasped with surprise. "Oh," she tried to prod it with the rod but it wouldn't react. "Hm…I suppose I'll have to pull it out."
"Heyyyy!"
"Heyyyyyyyyy!"
Darren shouted as the two banshees, Charles and Lamar, suddenly popped into existence halfway out of the floor. "Jesus Christ!"
"Haha, whoops, did we scare you?" Lamar smiled.
"Sorryyy!" Charles sang.
"Hey…what are you two doing?" Lamar leaned over to look at Lucy standing behind Darren.
"Ah," she said. "Impeccable timing you two. Come over here and help me with this."
"Eh, okay?"
"Wait," Darren was super worried now. "You're letting THEM help?"
"Don't worry, they're not the most intelligent species, but banshees follow orders remarkably well."
"Yeah!" Charles said. "Wait…"
"Now," Lucy continued. "Play rock, paper, scissors."
The banshees tilted their heads but didn't question her openly. They turned to each other and played a three-round game of rock, paper, scissors. Lamar won. "Hooray!" he cheered.
"Good. Lamar, you get to retrieve the probe from Darren's anus."
"Huh?"
"Hooray!" Charles cheered.
"Come here and let me lubricate your arm."
Lamar pulled himself free from the ground, revealing hind legs and a very long tail. The body shape reminded Darren of the Xenomorphs from Aliens. "Wow," Darren said. "I just assumed you guys were like conjoined twins or something down there."
Being about eight feet tall, Lamar had to squat down in the shed. He held his left arm out and allowed Lucy to apply a gel all along his arm and hand.
"All right," she said after. "Carefully insert your left hand into his anus and locate the probe."
"Okay. Carefully…" He slowly raised his hand to Darren's rear, paused a moment, then thrust his whole fist into the boy's anus.
"Ah!" Darren jumped.
"Hey, don't clench your butt cheeks!" Lamar said.
"I said, CAREFULLY," Lucy scolded him.
"Sorry," he looked embarrassed. "I panicked."
"Now, CAREFULLY locate the probe."
"Okay. Carefully locate probe. Got it." He slowly pushed his arm further in, getting all the way up to his elbow. "Eh, nothin' yet… Hmm…"
Lucy and Charles watched, mouths gaping slightly, as Lamar ended up with almost his entire arm inside of the boy. "How…bizarre," Lucy remarked.
"Mm-hm," Lamar finally found something. "Oh! Got something!"
"All right, now slowly, CAREFULLY pull it out so I can sever it."
Darren didn't like the sound of the word 'sever.'
"Okaayy!" Lamar grabbed hold of the object and slowly started pulling it. He had to brace himself against the side of the table halfway through the process as it started fighting him. "Let it go!"
"I'm – not – TRYING to keep it!" Darren gritted his teeth. He was trying not to clench it, but the pressure was starting to bother him. He clutched at the corners of the table.
"Hey, Lucy," Brooke opened the door and stopped when she looked up. Darren was laying on a table with a large light on him and not wearing any pants or underwear. He was grabbing at the ends of the table while Lamar had his arm halfway in Darren's ass while Lucy and Charles watched. They all stopped and looked over at Brooke. "Uh…never mind. I can wait." She left and closed the door.
"I think I got it!" Lamar said. He almost fell back from the force as the probe finally thrust itself out. "Agh! What is that?!"
"Keep a hold on it," Lucy told him. "I'm going to see what it's holding on to and sever it."
"Why couldn't you knock me out for this?" Darren said. He was still digging his nails into the metal table. He could feel pressure from the probe, as well as a pinching and burning from whatever it was that Lucy was doing back there. He could even hear a sound like a dentist's drill or something.
"I have studied extensively, and preformed many surgeries," Lucy said as she worked. "But this is still not a professional medical environment. I do not have anesthesia."
"I can knock you out if you want," Charles offered.
"Um, n-no thanks…"
.
"Did she know where the movie was?" Kenny asked as Brooke reentered her room.
"I didn't ask," she told him.
"What? Why not?"
"Uh, Lucy, Darren, Charles, and Lamar were in the middle of some weird butt stuff when I walked in, so… We'll just watch something else."
"The fuck?!"
She shrugged and shook her head. "I dunno man."
.
It took some time, but the pressure he felt had suddenly been released and Darren was able to relax. He let out a sigh. "Is it over?"
"Yes." Lucy was examining the probe. It was incredibly large to have been inside of a ten-year old's anus. "You can put your clothes back on whenever you're ready. There may be a small amount of blood in your stool today and tomorrow, but the pain should ease up quickly. If you don't mind, I'd like to keep this object so that I can run some more tests."
"That's cool," he breathed. "Just…give me a minute."
The door was suddenly thrown open again, but this time it was Cartman. "HA!" He pointed at Lucy. "I shit out your poison! I thought my stomach was gonna shit out too, but I'm alive! HAHAHAhahaha!" he ran away.
"He didn't close the door," Charles said. "Rude."
To be continued…
I'm rather fond of Charles and Lamar, lol. I told my friend that I thought I needed more Cartman lines. He said, "Ugh, DO you? I like Kenny and Kyle's better." Lol