She didn't go back to Sawyer.
She couldn't. Nicole would be waiting for her, and she wasn't prepared to deal with whatever that would bring, and if she was being honest she wasn't even sure that she would be able to physically make it all the way back to the dorm anyway. Her legs were unsteady and her hands were shaking and the conservatory was next door to Reede anyway, so that's where she went.
The door to the practice room had barely closed before she was sinking to the floor and gasping for air. Her eyes were shut tight and her hands fisted in her hair above her temples and it hurt her scalp and her fractured bone but at least it distracted from the panic in her chest.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Try not to cry. Repeat.
She was so concentrated on her breathing and on trying to shove away the images of Pat that danced through her mind that she never heard the door open.
"What the fuck is going on?"
She flinched as Jade's voice rang in her ears and Tori knew that she needed to look up at her but she couldn't. She just couldn't.
"Vega, seriously, you're freaking me out here."
A choked laugh.
(Join the club, she thought)
She could feel Jade move closer; could feel her kneel in front of her. She could practically imagine the look of confusion and disgust on her face, and it did nothing to help her certainty that she was about to throw away every single iota of progress that they had made. She was going to fuck it up. She already had.
"Breathe, Vega. You're going to like, hyperventilate soon if you don't calm the fuck down."
Well, that's not the response she expected. She cracked open her eyes, blinking away the stars at the edges so that she could see the woman kneeling just to her left.
Jade looked at her and Tori looked back and she tried to look past the glazed eyes of her memories to see the storm raging in the eyes right in front of her.
"In and out. Come on, Vega, it isn't that hard."
A surge of anger that she didn't expect. If she could speak, she would have shot back with something bitter and snarky, and she wanted to, god she wanted to.
But she couldn't speak yet, not really, and so she followed Jade's instructions and breathed in and let it go and then did it again a few more times until, finally, the pressure on her chest began to loosen and she forgot why she had been so angry in the first place.
"Fuck," she gasped, and for a moment she thought she saw a spark of relief in Jade's gaze. But then it was gone, replaced with something much more serious.
"Feeling any better?"
Tori nodded, even though it felt a bit like a lie because her gut was still twisting and her head still felt like it was filled with cotton.
"Can you stand?"
She nodded again, but refused to take the hand that Jade held out for her. Instead, she pushed herself to her feet and leaned against the wall, trying to keep as much distance between them as possible. She kept her eyes pointed towards the floor because she was pretty sure that if she tried to look at Jade again, she'd either combust or just start crying and neither of those options were particularly enticing.
Silence hung between them for a few agonizingly long seconds but Tori didn't care because as long as it was silent, she wouldn't have to speak, and if she didn't have to speak, she wouldn't be given the opportunity to spill her heart out or scream or whatever it was that was dancing on the tip of her tongue.
But nothing good can last.
She saw Jade's feet move a few inches closer to her right before that voice hit her ears again.
"What the hell is going on with you?"
Tori wanted her to sound angry. It would have been easy enough, after all; the words were angry, and all Jade needed to do was add a little bit of that old familiar antagonism to her tone for her question to sound just like any other remark that had been thrown in Tori's direction during high school. But Jade just sounded tired. Tired, and worn down, and confused, and it made Tori want to run even more than she already did.
"Ignoring me isn't going to make me leave, you know."
Tori blinked and gripped her elbows tighter to her sides. She hadn't realized she had ignored her. She had only asked that question a few seconds ago, right?
Right?
"Why are you here?" Tori finally asked, and she winced at how raw her voice sounded.
The boots in her eyeline shifted again, just an inch. "Why am I...what kind of question is that?"
There was the anger. Only a hint of it, a tinge of irritation in the periphery, but it made Tori's heart rate slow down by a few beats because it was at least familiar.
She lifted her head just enough so that her eyes were aimed at Jade's hands instead of her feet; hands that were resting on her hips. "I didn't ask you to follow me."
"You're fucking joking, right?" Her hands left her hips, fingers curling and uncurling into loose fists before they rose out of Tori's vision. "Jesus, Vega, why the hell are you pushing me away?"
Tori almost laughed at that; almost laughed at the simultaneous hypocrisy of the question and the ridiculousness of it because wasn't it obvious? But she bit her lip and choked the laughter down and chose instead to lift her head the rest of the way.
Her eyes met Jade's and she felt her chest tighten again at the concern in her gaze. Where was the anger? It had to be there. It just had to be.
"Why aren't you angry with me?"
Confusion replaced the concern. "What?"
"Why aren't you angry with me?" Tori repeated, and the confusion on Jade's face only grew. "You should be angry with me."
Jade's eyes glanced down for a brief moment
(at my lips, Tori thought, but she forced the thought away as soon as it formed)
before they returned to Tori's. "Why do you think I'm not angry at you?"
It was Tori's turn to be confused. "What do you mean? You're not yelling, or threatening me, or-"
Her words trailed off when Jade started laughing. It wasn't the genuine laugh that she had gotten used to hearing, though; it was harsh and bitter and it made her step back and to the right, her hand reaching out for the piano to steady herself.
"You're an idiot," Jade said. She stepped towards Tori, and Tori took another step back almost out of instinct. "I'm fucking furious."
"I-"
Jade shook her head, cutting Tori off before she had the chance to interject. "I'm so fucking angry, Vega. Wanna know why?" She took another step forward, and Tori started to retreat again but discovered that she had backed herself into a corner; the piano blocked her path completely. It only served to make the panic in her chest spark again, a fire that burned brighter as Jade's voice grew louder.
"I'm angry because I had to spend the past four days wondering what the hell had happened to you. Because I had to fucking text Nicole just to find out if you were even okay or not." Another step, and the piano was biting into the small of Tori's back. "I spent four fucking days not knowing whether you were sane, or hurt, or even if you were upset with me, and it was maddening." Her hands came to rest atop of the piano lid on either side of her and it was all Tori could do to stand tall and not to duck beneath her arms and run for the door. "But you know what the worst part of all of it is?"
This time she waited for Tori to give a slow shake of her head before she continued. "The worst part is that I only could last four days before it was too much." She turned her head to the side, her angry gaze finally leaving Tori's eyes. "Fuck, Vega, I could only manage four days without you. How the hell did you manage to last over six months when I shut you out?"
"I..." Tori swallowed, the lump in her throat threatening to choke her. "It was hell."
She heard a sharp intake of breath, and she thought that Jade was going to look at her again, but instead Jade let go of the piano and stepped away, her hand coming up and running through her hair almost absently.
"I broke up with Jake," Tori said, and she didn't have time to second-guess her words before she saw Jade freeze. Her hand slowly lowered back down to her side and she turned back towards Tori, her eyes filled with confusion.
"You broke up with Jake?" Jade asked, and Tori was taken aback by the surprise in her voice.
"I thought you knew. You know, since you and Nicole have been texting and everything."
It wasn't what she wanted to say. Not at all. But the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them or even think about them, and she braced herself for the biting remark she knew was coming her way.
If she was being honest with herself, she was almost looking forward to the return of Jade's anger. Anger was so much easier to deal with than the confused look in the other woman's eyes; so much easier than the fear coursing through her own veins.
"Why?"
Jade's voice wasn't angry. At least, not in the way that Tori wanted it to be.
"What?"
"Why the fuck did you break up with him?" The anger was creeping in now, cracking through the veil of calm it had been hidden behind.
"Are you fucking kidding?" Tori let out a bitter laugh and shook her head. "What else was I supposed to do? I kissed you, remember?"
It was the first time she had admitted it out loud since telling Jake. The first time since then that she had acknowledged what she had done, and if she wasn't already so fucking terrified of losing Jade completely, she would have been once she saw the dumbstruck look on the other woman's face. But it was too late to take back the words, and by the time her brain actually caught up with her tongue, Jade was speaking again.
"That's no reason to break up with your boyfriend! You were freaking out and emotional and-"
"I think you might have kissed me back."
Jade stared at her for a long moment, her lips still parted with the words she had been about to speak, and Tori felt her chest tighten again with the thought that maybe she was wrong. Maybe Jade hadn't kissed her back, and maybe she was imagining the whole thing.
Fuck, maybe she really was crazy after all.
"Please say something," she whispered, hating the desperation that she could hear in her voice. She swallowed and looked away from Jade's gaze, casting her eyes towards the floor. "Yell at me, or tell me I'm insane, or that I've misread every single interaction we've had in the past month, but please just say something."
"I..." Jade paused again, but only long enough for her to swallow hard. "Vega, he loved you."
"Yeah." She shook her head and laughed again. "Yeah, he did."
"Fuck." Jade stepped back a single step, and out of the corner of her eye Tori could see her run a hand through her hair again. "For fuck's sake, Vega, please tell me that you didn't break up with him because of me."
"Would that be so wrong?"
"Yes!" The sharpness in Jade's tone caused Tori to look back up, though she refused to meet her eye. "God, Tori, I can't be the reason why you broke up with him! I'm not...I'm not like that!"
"I didn't..." Tori swallowed hard, reaching back to grip the edge of the piano. "It wasn't just because of...look, there were other reasons, too."
"Like what?"
The panic that had settled deep in her chest began to give way to frustration. "Like the fact that a member of his fraternity tried to rape you? Like the fact that even though he said that that fucking asshole wouldn't be at that party, he was anyway and he threatened to do it again, to both of us? Like the fact that every time that I thought about how he was a Zeta I could hardly breathe?" Tori gripped the edge of the piano tighter, ignoring the pain in her finger again. She lifted her gaze so that she met Jade's. "Just because he wasn't you was only a part of it." Tori paused to take a breath, shaking her head. "God, Jade, why were you even at that party?"
Jade stared at her, and Tori swore she could see disbelief in her expression. "You asked me to be."
The words hit her like a sledgehammer to the chest and it was all she could do to keep breathing. "Oh."
Jade took a hesitant step closer. "I felt bad about turning you down, so I thought I'd show up and surprise you." She reached out and took Tori's hand, fingers brushing over the splint. She let out a small laugh and shook her head. "I didn't know you'd be about to go all Rocky, or else I'd have brought my special fighting scissors."
It was a joke, one that made the corner of Tori's mouth quip upwards for a moment, but the air was still thick with unsaid things and the smile quickly faded. "He saw you."
"Who did?"
"Pat." Tori glanced down at the hand holding hers and took a breath, ignoring the twisting in her stomach. "He confronted me, but then he saw you and...fuck, I couldn't let him hurt you again."
Jade's unoccupied hand rose to Tori's face, her thumb wiping away tears that Tori hadn't realized that she started shedding. Her eyes were clouded, almost as stormy as they had been down by the creek that day, and Tori found herself wishing that she was brave enough to kiss her because she knew that everything would stop hurting quite as badly if she could just feel her against her again.
"He threatened you?" Jade waited for Tori to nod before continuing. "Then it's good that you got to him before I could."
"Lucky him," Tori whispered. Jade's palm was warm against her cheek, and she leaned into it despite her best efforts not to. "Jade, I..."
Jade's hand suddenly dropped back to her side, leaving Tori cold once more. Tori almost objected, but then she saw the look on Jade's face and the way that she was worrying her bottom lip between her teeth and she decided to keep quiet.
"I gave Nicole the flyer for the Hamlet auditions."
Tori stared at her, not quite sure if she could believe her ears. "What?"
"You walked out on me and I had no idea how I could ever get you to speak to me again, and I..I was afraid that I lost my chance. But then I heard about the auditions and I asked Nicole to give you the flyer and I hoped you would show up because then at least I could see you again." She paused, just long enough for Tori to process her words. "I just wanted a second chance to make things right. I didn't want to lose you." Another pause. "I don't want to lose you."
"I..."
"I kissed you back." A laugh and a shake of the head. "I kissed you back, and I know I shouldn't have, but fuck, Tori, I kissed you back." Jade met her eyes again, and in them Tori saw a flash of clarity behind the storm and she had to bite her lip to keep herself from crying again because she hadn't been wrong. She hadn't thrown away every single ounce of progress that they had made because of her impulsivity. Jade kissed her back.
"Oh," she managed to say, and then Jade was stepping forward and her lips were on hers again.
Their first kiss had been desperate and impulsive and the second was no different, really. Jade's lips were searing hot against hers, but she embraced the heat because it was such a stark contrast to the stone-cold fear that had consumed her for so long. A swipe of a tongue against her lips and the taste of salt dimly reminded her of the tears that she had been crying, but then Jade's hand was on the back of her neck again, fingers tugging gently at the hair at her nape, and she decided that she didn't give a fuck about anything other than the way that Jade's skin burned against hers.
Jade pulled back and for a moment Tori feared that she was going to stop the kiss again. She opened her eyes and met Jade's gaze, and in those blue-green eyes she saw a hint of doubt. But then Jade blinked, long and slow, and Tori smiled at the smirk she saw tugging at the corner of her mouth. She was going to say something, anything, but then Jade was pulling her closer and all words were forgotten once their lips met again.
And again.
And again.
Tori's hands fisted in the leather of the jacket Jade wore as she pulled her closer, desperate to feel more than just her mouth against her skin, and the action made Jade step forward, sending Tori backwards a few inches. The corner of the piano slammed into the small of her back, causing her to cry out into Jade's mouth.
"Shit, are you okay?" Jade asked, immediately pulling away, and Tori felt her heart skip a beat again because Jade was worried about her.
Jade cared. Jade cared.
A smile spread across her face and she nodded. "I'm fine." She tugged on the jacket again. "You really need to ditch this, though."
She was met with a sharply arched brow and a questioning look hidden behind a smirk. "Trying to get me out of my clothes, Vega?"
"Yes," Tori replied, and Jade's other eyebrow shot up.
"Oh."
There was a pause, and Tori felt a familiar fear start to creep back in. "I'm sorry, I..."
Jade's hands came to rest on the piano's edge on either side of her, and she leaned in to capture Tori's lips again. The kiss was short and sweet, but it left her longing when Jade pulled back again.
"We have a lot we really should talk about, you know," Jade said, but she was shrugging the jacket off of her shoulders and looking at Tori with an expression that she absolutely had not seen before.
"Probably," Tori agreed. She watched as Jade dropped the jacket onto the bench, leaving her in a thin purple blouse. She swallowed hard when Jade looked back at her. "But we don't really need to talk about it now, do we?"
"I mean, the smart thing to do would be to definitely talk about it now, because let's be honest, we both got some shit we need to work out," Jade said. She let her hand come to rest on Tori's hip, her fingers playing idly with the hem of her shirt. Her gaze slipped down the length of Tori's body before slowly coming back up to meet her eyes. "But when have we ever done anything smart?"
There was another pause as they both considered each other, and then Tori was surging forward again and Jade's hand was underneath her shirt, the skin of her palm scorching against her stomach. The hand didn't linger, though, and as Tori felt Jade's lips move from her mouth to her jaw she also felt that hand cup her breast, only impeded by her bra.
"Lose the shirt," she heard Jade say, and she was about to comply when she realized that Jade had already started to pull it off. She lifted her arms above her head, allowing Jade to pull it off completely, and as soon as it was off she reached for Jade's blouse and did the same. She barely had time to take in the sight of Jade clad only in black lace before Jade's lips caught her mouth and her hand was reaching around her back to unclasp her bra. She let Jade slip it off of her without much thought, but then the other woman was pulling back again and she realized just how exposed she was. Her arms almost came up to cover herself, but then she saw Jade swallow as she looked at her, and her arms fell back down to her sides.
And then she was being pushed back against the piano again, and Jade's lips were peppering a path down her neck.
"Jesus," Tori murmured, and she reached back to grip the edge of the piano, afraid that her legs might just give out from underneath her.
"Not quite," Jade said, and Tori would have rolled her eyes if Jade hadn't started sucking on her pulse point like that.
There was a hand cupping her breast, kneading and tweaking, and between that and the lips that had moved down to her collarbone, the heat coiling in her stomach was growing at such an accelerated rate that she was sure that she might just combust. The hand dropped from her breast and she didn't have time to complain about its absence before Jade's mouth replaced it, teeth grazing over sensitive flesh.
"Fuck, Jade!" she breathed, and she could feel Jade smile against her for a moment before her tongue swirled around her nipple and fuck.
She wasn't aware of letting go of the piano until her hands were already tangled in Jade's hair, fingers tugging at the roots. She knew she had to be careful with the splint, careful to make sure that the metal didn't get caught in any hair, but it was hard to focus on that when Jade started sucking gently. She felt Jade's hand splayed on the small of her back, supporting her as she shifted them both towards the front of the piano. The movement, along with the slightest tug from Jade's teeth, distracted her so much that she almost missed how Jade's other hand had begun to fiddle with the button of her jeans.
Almost.
Jade lifted her head a few inches and shot her an absolutely filthy grin that sent another surge of heat coursing through Tori's body before she leaned up and captured her lips again.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Jade whispered against her, and Tori knew that she should probably say no, that it was a bad idea and she definitely should feel guilty about even thinking about doing this when she had just broken up with Jake, and that they should really talk about...well, everything...but she found that she couldn't give a single solitary shit about any of that because Jade's fingers were gently pressing into her stomach and her muscles wouldn't stop twitching beneath her touch and all she could really think about was how badly she wanted to know how those fingers would feel when they touched her just a little bit lower.
"Does it matter if it isn't?" she finally answered, and Jade laughed.
"I mean, probably." The hand on her stomach moved so that it rested on her hip instead, causing Tori to groan at the loss. Jade pulled her head back and gave her a serious look. "We can stop right now, and-"
"Do you want to stop?" Tori interrupted. She let her hands fall back down to her side, fingers gripping the bottom of the piano, careful not to hit the keys.
Jade tilted her head and considered her. Tori watched her eyes flit down, raking over the length of her torso, and she couldn't help the shiver that ran up her spine when their eyes met again and she was able to see just how blown Jade's pupils were.
"I really, really don't," Jade answered, and Tori let out a small sigh of relief.
"Oh, thank god, because I'm pretty sure that if you left me high and dry like that, I'd probably start crying again."
Jade's eyebrow quirked up. "Oh?" Her right hand moved from Tori's hip, burning a path across her stomach until she stopped at the button of her denim shorts. She leaned forward, lips brushing against the shell of Tori's ear. "Are you saying that I've got you all hot and bothered, Vega?"
Tori felt her undo the button and bit her lip at the click-clacking sound of the zipper being pulled down. "Something like that, West."
She heard Jade chuckle and the sound made her heart swell. "Want me to take care of that for you, then?"
Fingers brushed against the cotton of her panties and she gripped the piano tighter as the breath hitched in her throat. "You're..." Fingers curled around the waistband of her shorts, tugging them down a few inches. "Such a tease."
Jade laughed again, and then her lips were on Tori's neck, nipping at the skin beneath her ear before moving down to suck on her pulse point again. Tori gasped, just barely stopping a moan from escaping past her lips.
"You can let it out, Vega. I won't judge," Jade teased, her words vibrating against Tori's skin, and she pulled Tori's shorts down a couple more inches so that they hung loosely around her knees.
"Why are you such an insufferable-" Tori began, but then Jade's hand was cupping her through her underwear and she felt her knees begin to buckle. "Oh." Jade's hand began to gently rub against her, small circles and strokes, and she let her head fall back. "Oh, fuck."
"Do you know that you talk too much?" Jade's hand stilled and Tori groaned again in protest. She let go of the piano with her left hand so that she could grip Jade's hip and lifted her head, fully ready to chastise the woman who really just needed to touch her, thank you very much, when she saw that Jade was already looking at her with a smirk that didn't quite match the burning in her eyes, and any and all words died unspoken on her lips.
"Seriously, Vega, as much as I love hearing you talk...well." She leaned in to pull her into another languid kiss, all lips and swiping tongue, before she ducked her head down so that she could whisper in Tori's ear again. "I think I'd rather hear you scream."
With that declaration, she slipped her hand underneath the fabric, fingers parting through Tori easily.
"Shit!" Tori cursed, her exclamation followed by the piercing sound of an off-key chord, courtesy of the hand that she slammed back down against the keys. She winced at the noise out of instinct and started to apologize, but then she heard Jade laugh and felt a thumb circle her clit and she decided that there were more important things to focus on.
Things like the small grin that Jade gave her when she pulled her underwear down just enough so that she had full access to dip her fingers even lower, teasing around her entrance. Like how Jade's other hand was still on her lower back, supporting her even when she let go of the piano so that she could rake her fingers down Jade's back when one finger entered her. Like the way that her breath hitched when a second joined the first a moment later, filling her in a way that was altogether new.
Heat coiled low in her stomach, growing in intensity with every thrust and curl of Jade's fingers. Her knees kept wanting to buckle beneath her, but Jade's hand and the unyielding wood of the baby grand behind her
(who the hell puts a baby grand in a practice room anyway?)
kept her upright, even when Jade angled her hand so that her palm brushed against her clit with every thrust.
"Fuck," Tori moaned. She lifted her leg just enough to provide Jade with even better access, her heel pressing against the bottom of Jade's thigh. She gripped Jade closer to her even as the other woman bent her back further over the piano, their motions causing random echoes of chords to reverberate in the air around them. She heard a low hiss and knew that her fingernails had to be digging deep into Jade's back, had to be leaving marks that would take a while to fade, and the thought of it made her shiver with pleasure.
(She tried not to think about the implications of that too much)
She knew that she should have been freaking out; knew in the back of her mind that any possibility of them going back to the way things had been had just been jettisoned out the window, but her legs were shaking and she couldn't stop the moans pouring from her lips and she decided that the freaking out could wait until later because Jade had thrust a little deeper and the capacity for rational thought was long gone.
"Look at me, Tori."
Jade's words were accented by a curling of her fingers and a stroke that left Tori unsure if she could even speak, nonetheless lift her head, but she grit her teeth and opened her eyes.
She was close. She knew it, and from the glint in Jade's eyes when their gaze met, she knew it too. The smirk was gone though, replaced by a small smile that Tori was sure that she had only seen a few times before
(the one she makes when she thinks I'm not looking)
and she couldn't stop herself from reaching up and gripping the back of Jade's neck so that she could pull her in for a desperate kiss.
Jade's motions faltered for a moment, causing Tori's hips to buck forward in a frantic attempt to get her to start moving again, but then she felt Jade's lips moving against hers and felt the fingers inside of her curl again, and she fell over the edge with a gasp. She heard her own voice crying Jade's name, felt Jade's lips move from her mouth to her neck, and she let her head fall forward onto Jade's shoulder. The wave of pleasure washing over her was strong, surely stronger than anything she had ever felt before, and it was all she could do to remain standing as Jade's fingers continued to move in and out of her, her pace mercifully slowing as she brought Tori back down to Earth.
It took a few moments, a few centuries, perhaps, before Tori was able to speak again.
"Well, fuck," she breathed, and Jade's hand finally stopped moving. "Where the hell did you learn how to do that?"
Jade chuckled and pulled her hand away, wiping it almost absently against her leg. "The internet exists, you know." She bent her head and pressed a kiss to the corner of Tori's mouth. "Also, Cat and I used to fool around back in high school."
"Oh, that..." Tori paused, Jade's words finally processing. "Wait, what?"
"Kidding! Well, mostly." Jade's lips brushed against her jaw, and even though Tori wasn't sure she could even stand on her own, much less handle another orgasm, she felt the heat flare deep inside her again. "She never got past second base."
Tori felt a flash of jealousy course through her that was perhaps more familiar than it should have been but she tried to ignore it. "I haven't even gotten that far," she grumbled instead, and Jade pulled back so she could shoot her an amused look.
"That's your take-away from that information?"
"Well, considering that I haven't even gotten you out of your bra yet, I'd say it's a pretty important take-away, wouldn't you?"
Jade cocked her head and considered her, shrugging after a moment. "You make a valid point." Her fingers tightened against Tori's spine as she leaned in, lips dancing near her ear. "So what are you going to do about it, Vega?"
Tori felt a shiver run through her, an aftershock that combined with the suggestion in Jade's question in such a way that had her longing again. She almost reached down and unclasped Jade's bra right then and there; started to move to do so, in fact, when she felt wood dig into her skin.
"Is your roommate home?"
"What, you don't think a conservatory is a good place to have your way with me?"
"There's a piano currently digging into my ass, and as much as I'd love to just...well, you know...I think maybe a bed might be the more comfortable place to do it, don't you?"
She thought that Jade was going to answer her; thought that she was going to get some kind of smartass quip in response, or a joke, or something.
But Jade just grinned.