"So," Stacie said, adjusting her position on her chair, trying to get comfortable. "Beca." She tapped her pen against her notebook, trying to get a measure of the girl sat in front of her.
Beca looked apprehensive, and seemed to have a hard time maintaining eye contact. She was fidgeting and kept alternating between tapping on her thighs and pulling at her sleeves.
"How come you're here, Beca?" Stacie asked.
"Didn't Chloe tell you?" Beca responded, still not looking at her.
"I can't really tell you what we talked about," Stacie said. "And anyway, I'd like to hear it from you."
"Um… I guess we kinda had a fight?" Beca said, frowning. "I think she thinks I gave in to easily or something."
"So why are you here?"
"Because she asked me to speak to you," Beca said. "She thought it was a good idea."
"Do you think it was a good idea?" Stacie asked.
Beca let out a huff of frustration. "I don't know," she said. "I'm sorry. I think I might be wasting your time."
"You're not wasting my time, Beca," Stacie said. "This is literally what I get paid for."
"Yeah but, there are other people. People who might actually need your help. Like Chloe, she cut her session short for this, right?" Beca asked. "Don't you think she needs this more than I do?"
"I don't know," Stacie said. "I don't really know anything about you, other than what Chloe's told me. But it isn't a contest, Beca. None of my clients deserve their time with me more than the others do. And Chloe's a smart girl. She's very aware of her mental health, and she obviously feels like she can handle a shorter session today."
"Do you think she can?" Beca asked, making sustained eye contact for the first time.
"I can't tell you that," Stacie said, smiling. "But if I thought she was any kind of risk to herself right now, do you think I'd have agreed?"
"I guess not," Beca said, feeling relieved.
"So, this fight," Stacie said. "Chloe said she was pretty unpleasant to you."
Beca shrugged. "She was hurting," she said. "She'd had a really bad call and she just kinda lashed out."
"And you think that's okay?"
"No," Beca sighed. "I know it's not okay, but what am I supposed to do about it? I don't want to break up with her, or… or punish her for it. She said sorry, and she meant it, and I forgave her. It's done. Couples fight. Does she," Beca cleared her throat, feeling tears sting her eyes, "does she want me to punish her?"
"Beca," Stacie said, her voice a little softer, "I don't think Chloe is upset that you forgave her. I think… I know, she feels really grateful at how understanding you were." Stacie sighed slightly, trying to think of a way to phrase this. "I'm not supposed to talk to you, or anyone else, about the things that Chloe and I talk about. And I'm not going to. The same way that I'm not going to tell her about anything that we talk about. But… But I think what worried Chloe, is that you-"
"-Apologised," Beca said, cutting her off. "I know, she told me that it worried her. But I couldn't not say sorry. I left. She was in a bad way. She wanted to drink, she could have done anything to herself and I left." Beca's voice broke on the last word. "What if she'd hurt herself? What if she'd done something?"
"When someone hurts you, Beca, you're allowed to leave the situation," Stacie said. "You shouldn't apologise for taking care of yourself." Stacie tapped her pen against her notebook again, thinking. "You've got really low self-esteem, I get it. But you need to understand that you aren't underserving of help. You deserve to have good things happen to you, and you deserve to be treated well. You shouldn't allow yourself to be hurt because you think you don't matter. You do matter."
"Chloe… Chloe makes me feel like I do," Beca said. "She makes me feel good. She's the only person who's ever made me feel that. I didn't want to lose her."
"Of course she makes you feel good, you're in love. Both of you. Love is just your brain releasing dopamine into your body, along with some other chemicals. And dopamine makes you feel really good," Stacie said, with a laugh.
"You make it sound so un-romantic," Beca said, smiling for the first time since she got there.
"It's kinda cool though, don't you think? That another person can trigger your body to react in a certain way? It's like your brain is Marie Kondo, and when you interact with her, or even just think about her, its like 'yes, this one sparks joy'."
"Oh my god," Beca said, laughing hard. "She literally does spark joy."
Once they'd stopped laughing, Stacie spoke again. "You said before that you were scared of losing her. But you shouldn't give someone permission to mistreat you because you're scared of being without them. If the person you're with really loves you, they'll understand when you need to take care of yourself. And Chloe really loves you. She's a good person, I don't think she'll mistreat you. But you know what she's been through. She might lash out, she might say hurtful things. But her having a difficult past doesn't give her permission to do that. You don't have to sit there and take it, you can walk away if you need to."
"What if Aubrey had walked away?" Beca said. "Chloe told me she was horrible to her, but Aubrey stuck around. If Aubrey hadn't, Chloe would have died."
Stacie sighed again. "I know both Aubrey and Chloe really well. I was friends with Aubrey at that time in their lives, and Aubrey walked away a lot, Beca. She would walk away, take some time for herself, and then she'd come back. She never apologised for leaving, and she never told Chloe that the way she was treating her was okay. Aubrey doesn't take bullshit, and Chloe needs people to be firm with her," Stacie said, desperate for Beca to listen to her and to understand. "Look, I'm not saying you should cut Chloe out of your life the next time she snaps at you. I'm saying, you should do what you need to do. Take a step back when you need it. Give yourself a few hours or a few days, or however much you need. And think about what you need before you go back."
"I just… I've never been in this situation before," Beca said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I've never been in love, and I've never had someone care about me the way Chloe does. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do here, I don't know what you want me to say."
"I don't want you to say anything," Stacie said. "I just want you to hear me. Hear what I'm saying, and understand it. I'm not a relationship counsellor. I'm not here to make sure that yours and Chloe's relationship works. I'm here to help you look after your mental health, the same way I help Chloe look after hers. So I just want you to have heard the things I've said to today."
Beca nodded, like she had finally understood.
"I'm not here to break you guys up," Stacie added. "I think you're super cute together, and you definitely make Chloe happy. I don't really know you though, Beca. I don't know if she makes you happy, and I don't know if she's good for you or not. All I know about you, is what I've learned today. And what I've learned is that you're a girl with very low self-esteem and self-worth, who just wants to be loved."
And, suddenly, Beca felt seen. She got that drop in her stomach that she usually associated with rollercoasters. She felt like Stacie had just laid her bare.
She didn't speak for a few minutes, and Stacie gave her the silence to help her gather her thoughts.
"Are you taking on clients right now?" Beca asked eventually.
"I think I can squeeze you in," Stacie said, surprised but pleased.
"How much do you charge?" Beca asked, her voice quieter, laced with embarrassment.
"Speak to Jessica on your way out, we can arrange something that works for you."
"Thanks," Beca said. "Thank you for… all of that." She stood up and shook Stacie's hand. "Chloe is good for me, though," Beca said. "She… She sees me. She understands me. She makes me feel like I'm worth something. She's…" Beca shook her head. "I can't even describe her."
"I know," Stacie said, smiling. "I know her very well."
When Beca left Stacie's office, and after she'd spoken to Jessica about making regular appointments, she found Chloe sitting in the waiting room, talking to someone on the phone. When her eyes met Beca's, her face lit up, and Beca couldn't stop the smile that spread across her own face.
"Oh, I gotta go 'Bree," Chloe said into the phone. "See you tomorrow. Bye."
As soon as Chloe moved the phone away from her face, Beca kissed her.
"Hi," she said, smiling.
"Hi," Chloe responded. "How did that go?"
"Good," Beca said, "she's good. I'm gonna see her again, I think."
"Beca!" Chloe squealed, squeezing her into a hug. "I'm so proud of you!"
"Thanks," Beca said, laughing.
Chloe cupped Beca's face in her hands. "I love you, you know?"
"I love you too," Beca replied.