Chapter 18
Yue-lung recovered at least as much that he got out of the bed, but he's still very weak. The good point is that he has no strength to rage, to display any aggressive behavior to Sing; in fact, he stopped talking altogether. It could also be that calming down results from something else: the last weeks. That is because, despite all he's showed and done since the fall, Sing is still here and never expressed any intention of leaving, just like he's done nothing to made Yue-lung feel threatened. At the same time, Yue-lung has probably got used a bit to the current situation; he's accepted both that Sing is turning into an adult and that their relationship lasts and even seems to get stronger. He's slowly started to realize that Sing may really care about him... that it's like Blanca said: a friend isn't discouraged by every little thing.
Sing still isn't discouraged; it's the opposite, he's been spending more and more time with him and showing him more and more support. That illness, nasty as it was - Yue-lung hates to feel even more weak he normally feels - had that unexpected benefit that Sing really took care for him. He stayed by his side every day, trying to make him feel better. Even though he's growing at a terrible pace - it seems to Yue-lung he's getting bigger as they speak - his character hasn't changed: he's still that helpful and optimistic boy. Someone who considers himself Yue-lung's friend.
Yue-lung has never had any friends. Since he turned six, he was surrounded by people who only hurt him. Only some servants showed him some affection, but they were just servants. The older he was, the more he convinced himself he didn't need any affection, and that conviction was motivated by belief he didn't deserve any. He spent most of his time locked inside, without seeing his peers. He was educated by the tutors and took all exams remotely. The only people he came in contact with were either the business partners or the enemies of the Lee family, but it's hard to talk about 'contact', as he only gave sex to the former and death to the latter. It was only when Wang-lung sent him to LA to get information about the Banana Fish that he had the occasion to meet the guys from the Chinatown gang and Ash Lynx... and learned how different but also similar he was to other teenagers. But they were his enemies, too, someone to be destroyed or, at least, taken advantage of.
Then, however, Sing appeared, entering his life and never leaving, despite all vileness Yue-lung brought upon him. From the logical point of view, Sing's motives couldn't be comprehended... but Blanca said that friendship doesn't happen because of something only despite it. So, if that rule were applied here, Sing is a friend one hundred percent. By some miracle, he gained his trust and made Yue-lung, who could only hate people so far, grow attached to him as well. No, he became essential to life for him.
Yue-lung still doesn't know if Sing is that person Blanca mentioned last year: someone to love and care about him, but he's inclined to the option he is. If not Sing, then who else?
Maybe that's why he stopped raging; he started to accept that Sing is here to stay. Even though he still can't trust it will be that way, will be forever... then at least Sing's intentions as they are now indicates it. After all, if he had enough of him, he would have left him long ago... right?
That inner optimist is usually quickly deafened by the pessimist asking, "But will it be enough?" That pessimist - commonsense demanding attention - reminds him of Blanca's another statement, 'One who does not love cannot be loved either.' Yue-lung knows that he can't give Sing anything back because he's only able to take. So won't it happen that once he takes it all, there will be nothing left... and that friendship will just end? He finds it easy to believe.
That's why in late January his mood is low and he can't quite be hopeful about the situation. After several months of active effort to make Sing hate him - unconscious, but real - now Yue-lung passively prepares himself for the end happening more or less naturally. For some reason, however, despite all that sorrow and dejection, despite that psychological torment he's experienced recently, it hasn't occurred to him, not for a single time, to end himself, which earlier would have undoubtedly happened.
Yue-lung got out of the bed, but it seems the long sickness robbed him of all strength, both in body and soul. His hysterical tantrums ended for good; now, for a change, he's miserable and sad, and Soo-ling can't tell himself if it isn't even worse. He racks his brain about a possible reason behind it and how to remedy it. He repeatedly goes back to his talk with Blanca, searching for clues how to handle this situation, but the only thing that is left in his head is the message, 'wait patiently'. Yet, it's extremely difficult to stand by and only watch how a friend is troubled, and be incapable of nothing about it. Yue-lung, of course, won't tell him anything; actually, he stopped talking to him at all.
In late January, Soo-ling notices that recently his thought has been concerning only Yue-lung. He knows from experience that once he become emotionally involved, everything else just falls into the background - to such an extent that negligence can have bad result - but he can't help it. That's why now he practically stopped taking care of the gang - fortunately, the situation in the town is under control - and gives his whole attention to Yue-lung. It's as if the conversation with Blanca opened his eyes to some new eventuality, pushed him in a new direction... Now that he knows - only from Blanca, but he somehow trust him on that matter - that Yue-lung cares about him, he wishes nothing more that their mutual fondness stabilizes on the level that could support them both, instead of making them suffer.
It never ceases to amaze him that Lee Yue-lung could have some warmer feelings for him. Apparently, the image of somebody arrogant, haughty and emanating the message, 'Don't come any closer,' stayed for good in his head. At the same time, he's aware that such thinking isn't fair; Yue-lung is a human being, and even though his personality is twisted, some basic rules guiding human behavior and sparking needs can be applied to him as well. How did it happen that over their relationship Soo-ling started to see him like some kind of a freak - to such an extent now he's amazed by the idea of Yue-lung starving for friendship...?
Actually, there's one more thing that makes the situation hard to bear; it seems to Soo-ling that Yue-lung waits for some sign from him. Blanca said that Yue-lung has to reach his own conclusions and make his own decisions, but Soo-ling has spent more time with him already and suspects that waiting may be not enough. Maybe it's his impatient nature speaking - he's really bad at sitting on his ass and doing nothing - but it's also true that every breakthrough in their relationship so far happened when Soo-ling did something and Yue-lung reacted to it; it took them to the next stage. If Yue-lung is as uncertain as Blanca suggested - Soo-ling can totally see it - then it's quite hard to assume that he takes the initiative or says directly what he thinks. Soo-ling will probably have to create some incident again. The thing is their respective ways of thinking and feeling are completely different, and Soo-ling has no idea what he should do. It's not easy to play a fortune.
Maybe it's also because of the fact he still isn't sure how he would like to see their relation; he only knows that Lee Yue-lung became an extremely important part of his life, maybe even the most important. He's somebody Soo-ling hasn't had before, somebody special and irreplaceable. He's somebody Soo-ling wants to help and protect, whose smile he wants to see and whose welfare weighs very heavily on his heart. Somebody he never wants to part with. And somebody whose attention, recognition and respect he wants to deserve, whose trust he wants to have and whose affection he wishes be sure of.
When looking at things from this perspective, he's under the impression there's still a long way before them... but then he quickly remembers how much they've managed to build already over the last year. He knows himself well enough to know he won't give up. Yet, he doesn't trust himself enough to believe he won't make any mistake.
Yue-lung, despite getting out of bed, keeps napping every day on the coach or in the armchair. He probably doesn't even plan it; he's just tired and dozes off. Soo-ling has no idea if Yue-lung sleeps indeed - before, he couldn't sleep in somebody's presence and would wake up at the slightest move or sound - but he never disturbs his rest. Usually, he goes to the gym, browses the newspapers or talks to the people from the syndicate if somebody is available and has time for him. As for Blanca, he keeps away from the guy, considering him a manipulator who sees through every person... though, of course, his loyalty is undisputed. Blanca, however, despite apparently caring about the young master, doesn't speak of him in a very nice manner, and Soo-ling doesn't like that at all.
February started already. It's slight frost outside but sunny, and the sunlight is coming in the living-room through the window. It's not even noon yet, but Yue-lung has already grown tired. He's lying on the coach, his lower body covered with blanket. He's wearing one of those warm yet loose sweaters that hide his shapes instead of revealing them. He hasn't tied his hair today - he either felt too weak or didn't feel like doing so - and it flows down loose over the edge of the coach all the way to the floor. He has his hands under his cheek. His face is pale; he hasn't been outside for many weeks now. His long eyelashes cast a shadow on his skin, and his mouth is slightly apart. He's breathing slowly, maybe he's really asleep, but even now he seems tense and troubled.
Soo-ling is standing in the doorway and suddenly feels as if all air vanished from the room. His chest clenches with some sweet pain he can't understand. What he does understand is that he never wishes to leave here; he only wants to stare at that sleeping figure forever. He's overcome by so many emotions he gives up the idea to separate and identify them, but one is perfectly obvious to him: deep affection so strong it almost sweeps him off his feet. Like in dream, he walks closer - without making a sound so that he doesn't wake him - then sits down on the carpet and just looks at that pale oval of face framed by dark hair.
For the first time in his life, he realizes Yue-lung is beautiful. He's never looked at him that way before, and now he suddenly saw it... and that discovery doesn't throw him off balance; it's the contrary, it seems the most natural thing in the world. Yet, the beauty he sees in that sleeping figure is not only delicate features, long eyelashes and exquisite hair, but also some innocence and vulnerableness. Yes, that's how Yue-lung seems to him now: innocent and vulnerable, and Soo-ling wants to take him in his arms and never let him go, protect him from any harm and give him some of his own strength.
At this moment, he has the impression he was born only to meet him.
He sits there for some fifteen minutes, with his eyes fixed on the sleeping face, trying to return to reality, but the overwhelming tenderness and desire to show it won't disappear; they only seem to grow and take hold of his whole body. The first conclusion he manages to come to after that quarter of hour spent in another dimension - and a reminder - is that Yue-lung doesn't want to be touched and would never let anybody embrace him. It fills Soo-ling with disappointment and regret... but then he remembers that sometimes Yue-lung didn't mind his touch, like when Soo-ling held his hand in the Chinatown. He also remembers when Yue-lung gave him his consent, the last spring when asking that Soo-ling brushed his hair. And there was also that one time when he was ready to give himself to him. So maybe... maybe...?
His arm, as if it had a will on its own, rises. His fingers - trembling yet determined - touch the shining, silky blackness cascading over the edge of the couch and then sink in it. The ticking of hair against his skin makes him shiver all over, and suddenly he must bite his lips to stop a moan. He would like to take up that hair to his lips, touch it with his cheek, inhale its scent... but he overcomes that impulse in the last second. He's perfectly sure nothing has ever required as much control as this.
The next moment his heart drops into his stomach because, when he looks up again, his gaze meets Yue-lung's. Yue-lung is looking at him, his eyelids half-open, and there's that amethyst glow that sometimes shows in his eyes. Soo-ling has no idea how long Yue-lung has been staring at him, and he almost panics. The magical atmosphere filling the room and making it the safest place in the world is suddenly gone.
"Don't stop," Yue-lung says, and it's almost a whisper.
But Soo-ling doesn't know what he asks about... He withdraws his hand. The hair brushes against his skin one last time, and then only absurd sense of loss is left. Suddenly, he's just a scared kid, although just a moment ago he felt like the strongest man in the world. He feels like running away... but something, maybe the last flash of reason, tells him that if he does, then everything will be lost, definitely and irrevocably.
"I'm sorry..." he says, looking to the side.
"For what?"
"I waked you... and I messed with your hair," Soo-ling adds in a whisper and then gulps.
"I don't mind," Yue-lung replies calmly. "I told you not to stop."
Soo-ling dares to look at him again. Yue-lung is still lying on the coach in the same position and without moving, and only staring at him. Soo-ling has that thought again, 'You're so beautiful,' and must stop himself from saying it aloud. He suddenly is struck by the realization it's the first time since very long that they can talk. No, that they can look each other in the eye. After months of screams and silence, this contact seems something very precious... and invigorating. It's easy to believe the bad time is past them.
"You don't hate me?" Soo-ling asks, as it is the first thing he's wanted to know all this time.
Yue-lung blinks before averting his eyes. "No," he mutters. "And you?"
"Of course I don't," Soo-ling replies, and then his throat clenches.
Yue-lung glances at him again, and there's relief on his face. Soo-ling comes to the conclusion they are two idiots, and suddenly feels like laughing. It's like some chapter in his life has been closed and there's no need to go back to it, no need to ask and make sure. What happened in the last few months is a thing of the past. He wants to believe it won't happen again.
Yue-lung levers himself up on the elbow and then sits up, tucking his legs under him. Soo-ling follows the motion of his hair, falling like a soft wave along his face to cover his right side. Calm he's felt for a moment is gone now. He averts his eyes and clenches his fists; his fingers still remember the touch of that black silk. He gulps again, although his mouth is dry. It seems to him that he'll start shivering all over any moment.
"What did you want to do with my hair?" he hears a quiet voice.
"I'm sorry," he answers automatically. "I shouldn't have... You don't like..."
"Don't apologize, just answer."
Soo-ling looks at him again; every glance at his face makes his heart beat faster and his chest clench with that bittersweet feeling, makes his breathing quicker and his face hot. Then he looks away again. He couldn't answer that question even in a thousand years.
"I sure don't like being touched. But I won't mind it if you want to brush my hair," Yue-lung says and then adds with a little smile, "I waited a year."