A/N: Hey guys! It's been a bit! The moment the pandemic hit, all of my classes went online, but I decided to take up some hours working for my sister, who really needed the help! I would like to tell you all that I completed my first semester of college and passed every class with flying colors! Now it's time for summer break before I move to another city to continue my schooling! Anyway, I'll be writing a lot more through the summer because I have nothing going on! Please enjoy this update!

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The following Wednesday after school, Emil sat in the waiting room of a small therapy office. His eyes scanned the room, examining the paintings and the gossip tabloids on the side tables as the radio on the windowsill quietly played what seemed to be the hottest songs from the 1980's. He clasped his hands together firmly in his lap, trying not to make eye contact with anyone else in the waiting room.

Lukas smirked, looking up from his phone. "Check out this meme Mat sent me," he said, passing it over to his brother. "He's such a schmuck."

Emil's violet eyes glanced down at his brother's phone screen as he exhaled air through his nose in what would be a laugh if it wasn't for Mathias's lame sense of humor. "That's so stupid," he groaned, handing the cell phone back as he shook his head, smiling to himself. "Does he really think he's funny?"

"You know, I honestly can't tell anymore," the older brother admitted. "Like, there are times when he's actually hilarious, and then I just think he trolls me by sending me shit like this. I just have no idea what goes through his head to make him think it's okay to send me such lame crap. He's the literal worst."

"You married that," Emil reminded, smirking.

Lukas smiled fondly at his cell phone, a light blush dusting his cheeks. "Yeah," he softly said, heart soaring in his chest. "I did, didn't I?"

An elderly woman stood at the entrance to the waiting room, a kind smile on her face. "Emil Steilsson?" she inquired, looking around. She smiled as the brothers stood up. "Right this way," she gestured, showing them down the hallway behind her. "My office is the second door on the left. Can I get you anything to drink, water or coffee?"

"Coffee sounds fantastic, thanks," Lukas answered, smiling.

"I'll have a water, please," Emil softly said.

The woman smiled. "I'll be right back with them. You two should make yourselves comfortable in my office. I'll only be a moment." She then hurried off down the hallway.

Emil entered her office and looked around. There were two large, plush chairs and a matching loveseat with a small coffee table in the middle. Everything looked so soft and comfortable. The entire room was filled with a calming and relaxing aura that almost made him sleepy. Along one wall was a bookshelf filled with many different types of psychology books, and there was a corner filled with toys for children of all ages. She even had a bunch of random art supplies. Something about the office had a home-like feeling to it.

"Alright, I'm back," she announced, entering the office with two coffee mugs and a water bottle. She carefully set the mugs on the coffee table and handed the water bottle to the teenager. "I take it you're Emil?" she asked, a kind smile playing on her lips.

"Yeah, that's me," he confirmed with a nod. Emil gestured to Lukas with his thumb as his brother began to sip from his coffee mug. "This is my older brother Lukas. He's my legal guardian during my time in America. It was either him or his husband Mathias who made my appointment, or maybe both of them."

"It's nice to meet you, Emil and Lukas. My name is Paula. I've been a licensed counselor for over forty years now, though I've only been in this practice for about five years." She smiled at the brothers. Her arm reached beside her chair and pulled out a folder. She opened it and skimmed over the small packet of papers in it. "It says here, Emil, that you seem depressed and irritable lately. What seems to be the problem?"

The younger brother felt his voice catch in his throat as he tried to speak. His guilt of speaking about feeling like a burden to his brother right in front of Lukas silenced him. No matter how badly he wanted to tell her what he was feeling, he just couldn't bring himself to. He felt trapped.

Paula then turned her attention to the older of the brothers. "Lukas, would you mind sitting in the waiting room for a bit while I speak with your brother privately? Some things are best left to be discussed one-on-one."

"Yeah, no problem," Lukas assured, standing up. He grabbed the mug. "I can take this with me, right?"

"Of course," she replied with a kind smile. "I'll come get you once we're ready for you." Her sharp eyes watched Lukas exit the room and close the door before she turned back to Emil. "It's just the two of us now. I hope you can speak more comfortably now."

Emil, finally finding his voice, spoke up. "Are you going to tell him everything that I tell you?" he asked, voice quiet and cautious.

"I would only tell him something if I thought it were dangerous for you or anyone around you," she replied. "Say you said you were going to kill yourself or wanted to hurt him or his husband. That's something that I would tell him. If you were to tell me that you're sad because you felt as if you feel you're a burden, then that would stay between us."

He felt his heart lighten slightly upon hearing her words. "So unless if I'm a danger to myself or others, you won't tell him what I tell you?" he asked.

"That's the deal," she confirmed with a nod. "So go ahead, Emil. You can tell me what's bothering you. As long as you're not being a danger to yourself or anyone around you, it will stay between us."

.

"So would you say that your first session went well?" Lukas asked as they pulled out of the parking lot to head home. He turned onto a busy road and sighed upon being stopped at a red light.

Emil thought about it for a moment. "Yeah, I think so," he admitted. "It felt good to just get it all out, you know. Even though she's a stranger, it felt good to tell her everything I've been feeling and to just say it out loud. I feel lighter now, if that makes sense?"

The older brother smiled to himself as he waited on the light. "It does," he replied, feeling as if a weight in his chest had been lifted. He would have breathed a sigh of relief had Emil not been in the passenger's seat. "I'm glad that you feel lighter. When do you feel you would like your next appointment? I can schedule them for whenever."

"Maybe two weeks?" the younger suggested. "That's what Paula and I were discussing before my session ended. She thinks that seeing me bi-weekly would be a good idea." He was quiet for a moment as he thought about what he was saying. "And I think I agree with her. After talking with her for an hour today, I can feel myself starting to feel better. Maybe this whole counseling thing really will be good for me."

"You really think so?" Lukas asked as the light turned green. He began to drive once more, making sure to focus on both Emil and the road. "I'm relieved to hear that. If I'm honest, Mathias and I were worried that you might reject the idea and just remain silent for your entire session. Now I suppose I feel like an idiot for thinking such a thing, huh?"

Emil scoffed and chuckled. "I mean, you're not too far from the truth," he admitted. "In the beginning, that's what I thought of doing." He pictured Paula's warm smile in his mind as he continued. "But there was just something about Paula that made me feel it was okay to tell her things that I probably wouldn't tell anyone else. I know it sounds stupid, but she gave off that loving grandmother aura. Though I've never really had a grandmother before, so I don't really know what it's like. Maybe it's something like this?"

"You think so?" The older brother smiled. "I didn't really know my grandmother, but I met Mathias's before. She was sweet and kind and just loved taking care of others. That's how I felt Paula is." He chuckled to himself before casting his younger brother a quick glance. "How strange are we, Emil, to have no idea what it's like to have a grandmother? Then again, I also feel as if we didn't exactly miss out on much."

"Neither do I," Emil agreed with a nod. "Perhaps those who experienced life with grandmothers are the strange ones."

"Maybe you're right," Lukas laughed. "I mean, have you met my husband?"

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Lilli greeted Emil at the front door of the apartment, nearly tackling him to the floor in a hug. "Hey Emmy!" she cheered, giggling. "How'd it go? Are you feeling any better? Mat and I just got done making dinner! We made plokkfiskur! I know that you like eating fish, so I looked up some Icelandic fish recipes and decided to get Mat's help to make one for when you get home!"

"Really?" he asked, touched. "You did that for me?" Emil didn't really know what to say. The emotions that he felt were strong enough to bring tears to his eyes, but he didn't want to cry in front of his best friend over something so silly. "Thank you," the boy finally managed to choke out. "Thank you so much, Lil. You just know me so well, don't you?"

"Better than you would think," she giggled, adding in a mischievous wink. Lilli reached out and grabbed her best friend's hand. "Come on, let's go eat before it gets cold!" She pulled him along toward the dinner table before gesturing to it with broad jazz hands. "Have a seat!"

Unused to being pampered, Emil didn't exactly know what to do other than sit at the table. His violet eyes observed every dish that was laid out. He could almost tangibly feel the amount of love put into the entire setting. Just the thought of how far his best friend had gone for him made him feel sick to his stomach. What had he ever done for her? Had he ever done something anywhere near as wonderful for Lilli?

His mind then suddenly spiraled into a whirlwind of regrets. When was the last time he did something sweet like this for Lilli? Had he ever done anything like this for Lukas and Mathias? When was the last time he truly expressed his gratitude and platonic affection for anyone? Why was he so ungrateful? Why couldn't he be normal? Why was it so hard for him to express his true feelings, especially the positive ones?

"Em, are you okay?" Lilli asked, pressing a gentle hand to his forehead. "You don't look so good. Was my surprise too much?" A nervous giggle escaped her lips as her brow wrinkled with worry. "I'm sorry, Emmy. I didn't mean for something like this to happen."

The Icelandic boy reached up and grabbed her hand from his forehead, taking a moment to give it a gentle squeeze. "I'm fine," he told her, pressing her hand to his heart. "I just…" His voice trailed off. "No one has ever done something like this for me. I just didn't really know how to react, you know?" For a moment, he sat in silence before saying, "Thank you, Lilli. Thank you so much. It really means a lot to me."

"You're welcome, Emmy," she replied, taking her seat next to him. "You've always been such a good friend to me that this is the least I could do to be one to you."

For a moment, Emil sat in astonishment. Was she just saying that in front of his brothers to make him seem like an ideal friend? There was no way he could have ever done anything super special like this for her. Either way, he grinned and beared it for the time that they were all together at the table. After all, how shitty would he have to be to ruin such a heartwarming mood with the actual truth?

.

That night as they were headed to bed, Emil turned to look at Lilli. "Thanks again for dinner tonight," he said. "I really wasn't expecting it, and it tasted almost like my mom's back home in Reykjavik. I don't feel that there will ever be anything I can do to properly repay you for something like that."

"Repay me?" she asked, pulling back the comforter on his bed. "I would never want you to repay me, silly. When it comes to friends, we just do those kinds of things because we love each other, not to be repaid. I guess you could say I made dinner tonight as my way of expressing how grateful I am to have you for a best friend. You're always there for me when I need you. We practically do everything together. I'm always welcome in your home, and your brothers treat me like a sister to them. How could anything I could ever do repay the warmth I feel with your family? That's why I did something special for you to express how I feel." Lilli sat on his bed and pulled the comforter over her. "What's this about, Emil?"

"It's not about anything, really," he admitted, crawling into the other side of his bed. "I just feel as if you're too good of a friend to me. It just makes me feel as if I don't deserve your kindness."

"Emmy," she sighed, sitting up. Lilli reached over and cupped his face in her hands, looking him in the eye. "Don't ever think you don't deserve the kindness that comes to you. If only you could see how amazing you are, then you would understand. It's said that you are your own worst enemy, and that makes me want to clobber you myself. You're so mean to yourself for no reason." She pressed her lips to his forehead and smiled. "Emil Steilsson, you are so loved by so many people, and it's because you're you. That's why we always want to do kind things for you, because you're our friend and you're real. Friends don't ask for any type of repayment. We do those things because we want to."

"Something about it still feels wrong," he admitted. The corners of his mouth pulled into a frown. "I'm not sure if I've ever told you this, Lil, but before I came to America, I never really had friends. It was always just me and my mom. Sure, I went to school and spoke to people there, but I never really hung out with anyone like I do here. The whole concept of friends is so strange to me, but I can't say that I hate it. It's more like I hate myself for not knowing how to be a friend."

"Do you know what we will do in that case?" she softly asked, locking eyes with him. Lilli pulled him into a hug, cradling his head on her shoulder. "The rest of us will just have to love you so much that you'll learn to love yourself in the process. Maybe by that point, you'll understand. I'll do whatever it takes for you to love yourself, Emmy. After all, whether you know this or not, you've saved my heart more times than I can count. The least I can do is help you save yours." Her soft expression melted into a frown. "I'd give anything in this world for you to be truly happy."

Emil squeezed her tightly for a moment. Was he really worth anything in the world? After all, he was only one person. Surely, he wasn't that important. He had only met her back in August. There was no way he could mean that much to someone he hadn't even known for a full year. Yet he knew he would never say something like that to her. That would be no way to repay her kindness.

"Let's go to bed," she said, rubbing his back. "We have school in the morning anyway." Though there were so many things she wished she could talk to him about, she knew that some things were better left unsaid. It made her heart ache, but she knew it was what was best for both of them at that moment.

Emil turned out the bedside light and pulled the comforter over himself. For nearly an hour, he just laid there, listening to Lilli's rhythmic breathing as she fell asleep. As her breaths became deeper and longer, he felt more relaxed. She was asleep and happily dreaming, which was what she deserved. As for him, lying awake while being swallowed up by the darkness in and around him, he was also experiencing what he deserved.

At one point in the night, he rolled over to face Lilli. Her face looked so peaceful as she dreamed. It looked as if she didn't have a care in the world, yet maybe that was just the default expression for when people slept. Either way, he was cautious not to wake her as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and caressed her soft cheek for a moment.

"I don't deserve a friend like you," he whispered to her as she slept, voice barely audible. "I wish you would just realize that already so it will be less painful later." He was quiet for a moment. "You all changed my life in such drastic ways, yet I feel as if I've done nothing to return your kindness. Instead, I feel as if I'm in the way of the friendship you all once shared. If I were to disappear one day, would you guys even miss me?" His expression saddened. "I'm glad that you can't answer me at the moment. After all, I'm scared to know what you would say."

Emil then rolled back over so his back was to her. He hated nights like these, the nights where he was left alone with nothing but his thoughts while everyone else slept soundly. They were becoming too frequent. Yet on nights when he did sleep, he felt as if he blinked and it was morning. He hated that he couldn't dream anymore, like he used to. Was this just another side effect of being depressed? If it was, why hadn't it all been this bad back in Iceland? Why was this all happening now?

With nothing left to ponder, he laid awake for the rest of the night, hoping that morning would come soon.

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"Did you sleep last night?" Leon asked his boyfriend during their free period together. The two were sitting at a table in the corner of the school library, and in the natural lighting, he couldn't help but notice the dark circles under Emil's eyes. "Babe, you look so tired."

"I'm fine," the Icelandic boy flatly replied. He was struggling to finish his homework for the next class period, yet his eyes were becoming more and more unfocused by the moment. "I just…" Emil's voice trailed off as he vigorously blinked to refocus his eyes. Exasperated, he gestured to his homework to emphasize his stress. "This is due next period."

The Asian boy rolled his eyes and began texting on his cell phone. "You're really not looking so great today. I think you should take a nap instead and I'll wake you up when it's time for your next class."

Stressed to the point he was nearly in tears, Emil emphatically gestured to the homework once more. "Did you not hear me?" he asked, now blinking to hold back his tears. "I have to get this done. Stop distracting me."

"Emil, listen to me, you're driving yourself up a wall," Leon stated, struggling to keep his voice down. "You're going to burn yourself out at this rate. Please just relax for a moment."

Before Emil could protest once again, Raivis and Neoklis appeared behind him. As Raivis grabbed a ten-dollar bill from Leon, Neoklis snatched up Emil's entire backpack, including his homework. With a quick pat to Emil's head from each of them, the two vanished as quickly as they had come.

"Babe, we're all worried about you," Leon softly said. "You can tell us you're fine all you want, but none of us buy it anymore." He scooted his chair over to Emil and began to gently play with his boyfriend's hair. "Please just take some time to rest. Being stressed like this all the time can't be fun for you either."

Reluctantly, Emil leaned over and rested his head on Leon's shoulder. Something about the bony shoulder of his boyfriend made it seem softer than his own bed at home. He placed his closest hand on his boyfriend's thigh as they snuggled as best as they could in the uncomfortable library chairs.

"I know I've been a brat lately," Emil quietly said as he began to drift off. "And it hasn't been fair to any of you. I really should man up and try to solve my own issues instead of always either dragging all of you into them or taking them out on you. I don't understand why I'm like this, yet I keep clinging to you like this even when I know you deserve better."

"Who said I deserve better?" Leon quietly asked.

His boyfriend ignored his question and continued. "You could all be so happy if I wasn't like this." He yawned and closed his eyes, feeling himself giving in to his tiredness. "I just wish I could be better for you. I'm always trying so hard to be someone you can proudly tell people you're dating. I love you so much."

Once he was sure that Emil was asleep, Leon sighed, heart heavy. "Don't you get it, you idiot?" he sighed to himself. "We are all happy because you're with us. I don't want you any other way because I love who you are." He gently placed his hand over Emil's that was rested on his thigh. "Why can't you see any of that? Why can't you see that I am already hopelessly in love with you?" Leon kissed the top of Emil's snowy-white head. "I love you too, idiot."