Chapter 19

Loss and Gain

The next memories Severus encountered were vague- shrouded by a veil of fear. He remembered a dark tunnel, a plan gone wrong, a monster, and – swift and majestic, like a guardian spirit- a magnificent stag that came to his rescue at the very last moment.

The rumors of what had occurred spread out of control- a part of the plan that had worked a little too well. A week later, he was in the kitchens with James and Sirius, faced with a far more terrifying creature- an angry Lily Evans.

"Let me get this straight," she said, pinching the bridge of her nose. "At what point did you decide it was a good idea to put your friends in danger, risk your own lives, and try to deceive Albus bloody Dumbledore?"

Sirius, unphased, crossed his arms nonchalantly. "At the point my brother tried to plant a bloody bomb on me."

"Listen Lily- we couldn't start this rumor on our own, with nothing to back it up," James said. "But if Dumbledore called all of us into his office, gave us punishments, and refused to say why, then we could start any rumor we wanted, and people would believe it."

Lily turned away from Sirius and James, and focused on Severus. "I'd have thought that you were more sensible than this, even if those two aren't."

"I wasn't supposed to go as far as I did," Severus said quietly. "Dumbledore and James were supposed to rush in and save me just as I got past the tree's entrance. Unfortunately, Dumbledore was late, and Lupin somehow broke through the shrieking shack door. If it hadn't been for James-"

"If James hadn't rushed ahead of Dumbledore, then Lupin would have bitten Snape- at the very least," Sirius finished.

"Dumbledore didn't quite believe me," James sighed. "He didn't think Sirius was capable of pulling a prank that would endanger someone's life."

Sirius shrugged. "I'll be capable of much more than that, when I get the chance to fight real death eaters. This will teach Dumbledore not to underestimate me."

Lily sighed and continued. "I take it that Lupin didn't get the chance to agree to this little plan?"

"He never would have agreed," James said. "Besides- we need to keep our secret as contained as possible. We never thought that Lupin would break out of the shack. I just wanted Dumbledore to see me pulling Severus out of the tunnel. Sev was never actually supposed to encounter a werewolf."

"You put Lupin in danger, too. You know what they do to werewolves who bite people," Lily said, her green eyes flashing.

"I know," James said quietly. He sat down and rubbed his neck. "I've learned my lesson. I promise I will never try to use my friends like that again."

"Think of it this way, Lils," Sirius said. "Now the rumors we started are actually true- Snape does owe James a life debt. There are ways to check this magically, so if the Dark Lord starts to get suspicious…"

"You know," Lily said slowly, as though speaking to children, "wizards often look down on muggle technology. They assume since they have magic, there is nothing that muggle technology can offer them. But I think there is one piece of technology wizards could definitely benefit from- a little something called a cost-benefit analysis."

"Lily…" James started, but he was silenced by the evil eye.

"So first, let's look at the costs," Lily continued. "You got Sirius in real trouble; he could have been arrested for luring a student into a werewolf's den, never mind suspended. You lost some of Dumbledore's trust- which we desperately need, right now. You lost some of my trust by trying to keep this a secret from me. You risked Lupin and Sev's lives. You put Sev under the power of a magically binding debt."

"I thought we agreed that the life debt was a good thing," Sirius said.

"In the eyes of the death eaters, the life debt will make Sev a liability," Lily said. "He'll have to try extra hard to impress the death eaters, if he really wants to become a spy. This means he might actually have to hurt someone, now. This fact alone might undo the small amount of good that the life debt has done in providing an excuse for Sev to stop fighting with James."

"I've been coming up with ways to impress the death eaters while minimizing the damage I might do," Severus said. "I developed a spell, sectumsempra, that acts as a magical sword, slicing through the flesh of your enemies."

"So much for minimizing damage," Lily said, rolling her eyes.

"Think about it," Severus continued. "A spell that causes severe pain and blood loss is a gift the death eaters will find irresistible. But every time they cast that spell, it means they are not casting avada kedavra."

"Sev has also created a countercurse to heal the wounds created by sectumsemptra," James said. "I can cast it, and I can teach others to cast it. How's that for a cost-benefit analysis?"

"I've also created a modified stunning hex that releases a lot of fake blood," Sev said. "I can cast it wordlessly on the battlefield, making it look like I've cast sectumsempra."

"Ok- that's actually brilliant," Lily conceded.

"I can dedicate my time to finding ways to undermine the Dark Lord because thanks to the life-debt, I have an excuse to stop helping Avery with his little revenge plans."

"That is the one benefit," Lily said, "but is the benefit really that great? We do have other ways to give you more time. Plus, Avery will still go after James on his own, and now you won't be able to warn him about it."

"Which will divert suspicion away from me," Severus said. "Avery and Black won't be able to do much damage on their own. They were depending on me to give them curses and potions powerful enough to hurt Sirius and James."

"I'm still not convinced you did the right thing." Lily narrowed her eyes. "I think that's the reason you hid the plan from me. You anticipated all of my objections ahead of time- is that right?"

"Yes, and we did it anyway. We were really that stupid and impulsive," James said sheepishly. "What we didn't anticipate was how bloody talented you would be at legilimency. It's really rare for someone to successfully learn legilimency before mastering occlumency, but… wow. You busted through my barrier like it was a soap bubble."

"You were all called into Dumbledore's office, Gryffindor mysteriously lost 500 points, Sirius was given detention and suspended from lessons for two months and no one knew why, weird rumors started going around about the life-debt, and you refused to tell me anything," Lily said. "I had plenty of incentive to break those barriers."

"Lily," Severus said gently. "You promised that you would trust me."

"Even if I trust you- can't you see that it drives me crazy when you are in danger?" She said, her voice rising.

Severus knelt down, taking her tiny, slender hands in his own. "Lily, you have to get used to this," he whispered. "I'm going to do a lot more dangerous things as a spy in the Dark Lord's ranks. I will do my best to share everything with you, but there may be times when I cannot."

Lily's hands tightened, betraying a sinewy strength Severus hadn't detected before. "This time, though, you didn't tell me because you were afraid of what I would say. Trust has to work two ways, if it's going to work at all."

James knelt beside Severus, at Lily's feet. "I'm sorry, Lily. I'm the one who said we shouldn't bother you with this. I should have trusted you, too."

Lily's expression softened, and Sirius cleared his throat.

"Well, I guess you will be wanting your privacy, so I'll just-"

"Hold on," Lily said with a voice like steel. "If James trusts you with all of this, then you must know occlumency, too."

"Well, no. But I'm willing to learn. If I feed Dumbledore information instead of James or Lily, then Snape will be less likely to be outed as the spy. In fact, if we play our cards right, maybe I can frame my brother, instead." Sirius barked a harsh laugh.

"Then have a seat," Lily said. "We're just about to continue our lesson."

"Eh- no offence, but I'm not wild about the prospect of having you or Snape read my mind."

"That's fine- you can just practice with me," James said with a grin. "It will be fun. Think of all the blackmail material you might find."

Sirius laughed, and then sat in an empty kitchen chair, pouring himself a cup of tea. "Fair enough. I'm ready when you are."

#

The fall passed away in a blur of schoolwork, forbidden knowledge, quidditch matches, dangerous plots, and stolen kisses. The rusty leaves faded to brown, and then frosted white as Christmas approached.

On Christmas Eve, Severus crossed the church parking lot, his boots skidding slightly on the icy pavement. The stars above were shrouded by thick, heavy clouds that hung so low they were barely distinguishable from the vapor that emanated from Severus's breath. The church doors had already been closed, but he could hear the muffled voices of the choir hovering outside in the night air.

Severus had just left Malfoy Manor. For the uninitiated, the party had ended early- in plenty of time for Severus to make the midnight service at the Laurel Parish church.

Severus reached out to touch the church door, then hesitated. For a moment, he feared that he would desecrate this holy place by his merest touch- as though the dark aura that had surrounded Voldemort had seeped into his very being.

He took a deep breath. "You are being ridiculous," he told himself.

The Dark Lord, at first, had been underwhelming in his presence. He was a handsome man, with the telltale pallor and shadow-rimmed eyes that suggested repeated exposure to dark rituals. The man had seemed genuinely eager to meet the rag-tag group of Slytherin students assembled in Malfoy's elegant hall. He had shaken Severus's hand, had listened earnestly as Severus told him of his abuse at the hands of the muggles, and had sympathized with the contempt Severus felt toward a ministry that would not even allow him the means to defend himself against said muggles. As Severus spoke, the Dark Lord had oozed his way into Severus's mind, like oil under a door, and Severus had been obliged to block off everything pure in his mind and direct where the oil spread.

But considering the tone of the conversation, Severus's task was easy. He could easily picture his father's brutality, his mother's suppressed magic, the pathetic gangs that roamed the streets of his muggle town. Everything he said and thought, now, was true.

"The ministry has forced us to surrender everything to those barbarians," the Dark Lord had said, swirling his glass of claret wine. "We've given up the power to defend ourselves and our world. We stand aside while muggles build cities and freeways over the sacred groves and ley lines of our ancestors. Their machines spew filth into the air, clouding our sight. We were granted enough power to rule this world, and yet we crawl in the sewers, like rats."

He glanced up from his wine and into Severus's eyes. "And we neglect the best and brightest among our youth. You, Severus, are one of the top students in your year, yet your professors don't recognize your talent at all."

"No- they don't," Severus said bitterly.

"Yes, his O.W.L.s are quite exemplary. When I was still in school, Severus had a reputation as a talented spellcrafter as well as a competent fighter," Malfoy said, pouring himself another glass. "It is a shame that he owes a life debt to a Gryffindor."

The Dark Lord smiled, then. He receded from Severus's mind, leaving a dark presence behind like a layer of scum. Severus had to exude all of his control to keep from shuddering.

"If you mean James Potter," The Dark Lord said, locking his eyes on Malfoy's "I, too, have heard the rumors. But, though the lad hails from a family of blood-traitors, he is still a pureblood, and too young to really be fixed in his loyalties. Perhaps we will be able to recruit Potter, as well."

For a moment, with Voldemort's dark ooze still lingering in his mind, Severus almost wished it were all true. James could join Voldemort, help Severus protect Lily, and together they could reclaim glory for themselves and for the wizarding race.

"Oh yes, Avery, I understand," Voldemort said, turning to speak with another hopeful. "By what right should a girl of no wizard family claim the approbation of your Professors, when you come from an old and established line?"

By the right granted by talent and hard work, Severus thought automatically.

With that thought, it felt as though a spell were broken. Severus remembered why he would never truly belong to Voldemort.

Now, in the blistering cold by the church door, Severus reached out to grasp the handle again. His too-short sleeve rode up as he did so, revealing pale, unmarked skin.

Severus was not yet tainted. Not really.

He pulled the church door open and went inside, where Lily stood in line with the other girls, holding two golden bells. He stood in the back of the church and watched her play the old, familiar tune, and somehow, it washed away all the remaining scum from his mind, filling it with a pure, holy light.