2.4
To whom it may concern,
No, I'm not dead, I just didn't want to write more than I had to today. But I know I have to do it or else none of you will be satisfied. To begin, I would like to address Kaminari.
Kaminari, you were the first person I met and everyday I am grateful for that. I don't know what I was thinking when you just gravitate towards me. I just should have known like you did that we were destined to know each other. That fate needed us to be friends. You will be the person I miss the most. Don't change, someone else like me might come around and need you just as much as I did. I love you as much as God loves this green Earth.
To Mina, Sero, and Jiro. Mina, tell Sero everything you told me. Tell him how you want to kiss him, hold hands with him, and all the other things I'm not willing to write in this letter. You must say them. He will be kind to you, and I know he won't reject you. And those will be the only words of wisdom I'll tell you. Sero, remember those long conversations we had on couches and in kitchens with no one around. I know I always will. I won't repeat anything we said, that between me and you. And Jiro, please listen to that band I told you about. I know that there will be a song you like and it'll bring you back to a time when I was there. Even if you don't care that much, others will.
Shinso, you were always the best to me and that's the truth. No one else could treat me as good as you did. You made me say things that I was always too chicken-shit to say and I thank you for that. I'm glad you made that stupid club because without it who knows how many things I'd keep bottled up inside of me. I'm glad I could know your memories and you mine. No one else would be able to handle them as well as you could. I think the next word you should write on the board is Happiness. I never got to hear many happy things from you. Sleep tight, Hitoshi.
Toyomitsu… stick around, will yeah?
And to Bakugou… to you, I'll tell you later. But know that I will be telling you.
Sincerely, Kirishima Eijiro.
Today was different going to Ms Kayama's office today. Instead of having a last session, they instead went to get a cup of coffee. It was Ms Kayama's treat, a going away type of deal. She mostly didn't want her last day with her favorite client to be in her stuffy office. She'd rather it be in a cafe with clean air and the aroma of coffee beans and warm pastries. Kirishima came straight from school to the cafe address Ms Kayama texted him. He was wearing his school clothes and his bag strap close to his chest. Ms Kayama wore a black pencil skirt that went to her knees and a long sleeve striped button up. The cafe was warm and cozy. As Kirishima was opening up sugar packets, Ms Kayama's was digging out a few things from her pocket book.
"So, here's a few recommendations I have for therapists in your area that I want you to give to your mother" She said, passing over papers to Kirishima, "And there's a prescription I've written up for you until you find another therapist. And lastly, I got you a new journal since your old one is probably full by now."
Kirishima grabbed the papers and the journal, setting them near the edge of the table for now. The journal was blue and hardcover instead of the flimsy grey one he had before.
"Thanks. I wrote my last page today."
"May I read it?"
"Um… no, I'd rather you not. This one means a lot to me. I'd rather keep it private. I can keep the journal, right? You don't need it for anything do you? I'm not sure how stuff like this works."
Ms Kayama batted her hand and took a sip of her coffee, "You can keep it. I don't have any use for it since you're not my patient anymore. The only reason why I had you write in was just so I could grasp were you were emotionally."
"What a rollercoaster that was, huh?"
Ms Kayama smiled softly, "I suppose, for you more so than me. I would have liked to keep it as something to remember you by but it's alright."
Kirishima chuckled and stirred his coffee, "Heh, that would be weird to have a teenagers journal on your bookshelf."
Ms Kayama giggled,rethinking what she just said, "Yeah, it would be a bit funny. But I like how you write. It's rather dreamy sometimes. Maybe when you go to college you can be a writer or something. Make a book."
"Yeah, I'll write a self help book. Title it 'I don't know what the fuck I'm doing either'."
That made them both laugh for a while until rolling into a pleasant sigh. Ms Kayama extended her hand towards Kirishima. Touch was usually a good way to get a point across in some way or another. A very persuasive technique. Her hand looked so young and small as she squeezed.
"Do you still think leaving is the best thing for you?" Ms Kayama asked, "I mean, I know you've already told me why you want to go but, is it really going to help, you think?"
"I do. But you're the therapist here so maybe I should ask you. Do you think I should go?"
"Well, I think since you've gotten here you've done well with building up relationships with others. You've changed emotionally and even physically with your new hair color so that's usually a good sign. The emotional change not the hair dying. Unstable people usually do that," That was a joke that fell flat, "But that means things are going alright with you. This is a good environment for you to expand and learn more about yourself."
Very professional. Using terms such as 'emotional' and 'relationship building'. These were all good responses since Ms Kayama was unaware of the fact that Kirishima tried to kill himself. But this was to mask that Ms Kayama was going to miss him. That's why she was in a cafe instead of her office, and why she was holding Kirishima's hand instead of keeping distance from him. She had a somewhat unhealthy relationship between her and a patient, her motives are more personal based. Kirishima knew all of this but he simply nodded and gave her hand a small pat before pulling away.
"Are you going to miss me?" Kirishima asked.
"Duh, of course I'm going to miss you, is that even a question?" Her voice sounded so certain, "You were different, that's for sure. I'll miss all of our little talks."
"Sessions."
"... Sessions. Right."
"I will too. I hope one of these therapists will be as good as you were."
"I'm sure they will, they had to learn all the same stuff that I did."
Kirishima hummed, "Are you still seeing that guy?"
Ms Kayama blushed softly, "Oh, yeah, I am actually. We're actually going out tonight, he's taking me to a dancing class even though I told him I'm a terrible dancer."
"I guess that's why he's taking you to a class then."
"Maybe you're right," Ms Kayama put her hand under her chin, "Have you… talked to Bakugou at all?"
"Heh, no. He left 1-A and if I try to call him it just goes straight to voicemail," Kirishima took a sip of his coffee and ran his fingers through his hair, "But that even happens when Kaminari or someone else tries to call him. So… I don't know what's up with him."
"Does he even know you're leaving?"
"I think somehow he does. Word does get around, you know? I'm sure it got to him one way or another."
"And he still hasn't said anything to you? How strange."
Was it? Bakugou seemed pretty serious when promising Kirishima he was going to stay far far away from him. And it's not like at this point Kirishima was going to go out of his way to meet Bakugou. Not with everything that had happened between them. Kirishima wouldn't even know what to do if somehow they set something up to see each other. Not yet anyway. Kirishima shrugged and ripped up an empty sugar packet.
Kirishima's phone buzzed in his pocket, he checked it and clicked his tongue, "I hope you don't mind but I have to get going. Sorry to be abrupt but. I have to get on the next train. It's scheduled a little earlier than I thought. I have plans, Kaminari and Shinso are having a going away party for me. Something small, you know?"
Ms Kayama nodded, "That's alright, no worries. I assumed you'd have something going on since it's your last day here. I'm just glad I was able to see you."
Kirishima started to put away the papers and journal Ms Kayama had given him in his bag.
"I actually have something for you."
"It's not another necklace is it?"
"No, no. It's not really a gift or anything like that," Kirishima pulled out a plain envelope and held it out for Ms Kayama, "I guess you can think of it as something to remember me by."
Ms Kayama took the envelope, she started pulling at the crease slowly but Kirishima began to wave his hands.
"Don't read it yet. Wait till I leave, I don't want to be embarrassed." Kirishima said as he zipped his bag.
"It's not a love note is it?" Me Kayama asked and began to fan herself with the envelope.
"You're not really my type," Kirishima finished the rest of his coffee and excused himself from the table, "Bye Ms Kayama."
He put his hand on her shoulder briefly before walking away. Ms Kayama looked behind her and watched as Kirishima left the cafe before turning to the envelope. She ran her nail along the seam and opened it up. Inside was a folded up piece of paper, she pulled it out and straightened out the creases. She pushed up her glasses and began to read the letter.
Dear Ms Kayama,
I thought I'd dedicate some time to write you a letter before I leave. You're someone who I truly think deserved their own letter for dealing with all of my shit this whole time. I just wanted to let you know that for me, I probably should have switched therapists early on when I got here. It's not that you're bad at your job or anything but for me… I know you treated me extremely differently for whatever reason. Maybe you saw yourself as a mother figure for a boy living on his own in a new place. But I already have a mother, and what I needed was a doctor. I'm not saying that's your fault, I'm not saying you weren't helpful, you really were. But things between us were too personal. And sometimes, I think our sessions were more for you than for me some days. That's okay though, sometimes we all need help. You should know that more than anyone.
This isn't a letter about how you should have been a better therapist even if it's coming off like that. I do want to thank you. Thank you for making me say and do new things, realizing that my emotions will not be the end of me if someone sees, and that it's okay that I'm a mess because even a well put together adult like you is also a mess. A sweet, awfully beautiful mess. Maybe someday I can see myself as beautiful as you are. Someday. You did the best job as you could trying to see yourself as someone I could look up to. Thank you for your advice. Some of which I actually took here and there and some that I'll still use as I go home.
I love you, Ms Kayama. I don't want to leave on any secrets, but some I'm too ashamed to tell you in person. I tried to kill myself not too long ago. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I was afraid you'd say something to make me want to stay.
You achieved what you wanted as being my friend. I hope you'll get married one day. Your internal clock isn't ticking anytime soon. Thank you. For everything. I'm not whole, but I'm no longer broken because of people like you.
Goodbye, Ms Kayama.
Kirishima Eijiro.
Ms Kayama swallowed. She put the letter in her lap and quickly took a drink of her coffee. Wishing it was still scolding hot and not luke warm. She licked her bottom lip, reflecting on all the times she was with Kirishima. From the first time she shook his hand to this very moment. Was she doing this all on purpose when she knew some of her methods weren't to help Kirishima, but more so to know who he was as a young man? The letter began to crumple in her palms, she didn't mean it but it just was on instinct. Her eyes began to well up but she quickly wiped them before anyone saw her. She looked down at the paper and began to reread it. She smiled, even at the sad parts she smiled. There wasn't much she could do now for him.
"My god," she muttered to herself, only loud enough so she could hear it. Kirishima at this point had made it to the train station on time, "I'm going to miss that boy like crazy."
There was a going away party to go to. But that wouldn't be until much later. That's why Kirishima was at the front door of the Bakugou household. The sun was setting, and it was starting to turn cold. Kirishima made a fist and knocked on the door. He put his hands to the side, waiting for a response to come soon. The door opened like it had no weight to it. Bakugou's father opened the door. He looked just the same but his eyes. His eyes seemed like they hadn't seen a dream in some time, like they hadn't been able to take a break in weeks.
"Kirishima?" Masaru said, surprised, "What are you doing here?"
"Hi, Mr. Bakugou," Kirishima smiled and raised his hand, "Bakugou isn't home, is he?"
"Bakugou? Oh, no. Suki hasn't come home yet. He usually doesn't until much later," Masaru opened the door wider, "Would you like to come in?"
Kirishima nodded, "Yes sir, thank you."
"My goodness, what did you do to your hair?"
Kirishima laughed, "What? Don't like it? I think I look like Crimson Riot now."
"No, you look very nice. It's just very surprising. At first I didn't know who was at my front door."
Masaru made room for Kirishima to walk inside and then shut the door. The house looked much more minimalistic at this point. Kirishima took off his shoes.
"It's been awhile since I've seen you. I know you and Bakugou hit a rough patch but I thought you might still give me a call. Would you like some tea? I was just making some before you showed up."
"Yeah, that sounds nice. Thank you."
"Make yourself comfortable on the couch. I'll bring it out."
Kirishima sat down on the couch as Masaru went to the kitchen. Kirishima saw an ash tray that he hadn't seen before sitting on the clear coffee table. Kirishima took out his pack of cigarettes, taking one out. Masaru returned rather quickly with two cups of hot tea and passed one to Kirishima. He pulled out a lighter and put in on the coffee table. Kirishima took it and lit the end.
"Me and Bakugou didn't hit a rough patch. We broke up, sir." Kirishima said.
"Yes, I know all about that. His little scheme of staying away from you and such. I don't think it'll last forever though."
"It'll be awhile," Kirishima blew on the hot liquid, "I'm leaving to go back home tomorrow."
Masaru lifted up his head and smiled, "Oh… huh, is that so? Well, I appreciate the visit. Now I wish Bakugou came home sooner."
"I don't. That's why I came the time I did. I knew he wouldn't be here yet," Kirishima took a sip of his tea, "I mostly came to see you."
"Oh yeah? And why's that?"
Kirishima took a drag of his cigarette, "Because I have a few things to say to you."
"Well then," Masaru sunk into the seat, "Say whatever you'd like."
"To start… how have you been lately?"
Masaru chuckled and scratched the back of his head, "You mean since my wife died, right?"
"I didn't say that. But if you want to talk about it you can."
Masaru clicked his tongue, "I've been managing. The first week was the worst week of my whole entire life. I miss her everyday but it's gotten better. Can't sleep worth shit though. It's like my body is just waiting for her to call out in the night for me but… that of course never happens. But it gets better… it gets better."
He just repeated that three times. Better. What part could possibly be getting better? The brain? The heart? It looked like Masaru still aches all over.
"Strangely enough, I think her dying helped Bakugou a lot… which now that I say it out loud sounds so sad." Masaru chuckled.
"No, not really. I don't mean for this to come off badly but you should know... He was ready for her to die."
"Yeah… Yeah I know," Masaru put his head in his palm briefly and rubbed his face, "God I'm awful for agreeing with that aren't I?"
Kirishima rubbed Masaru's shoulder and shook his head, "No, you're just realizing the truth is all."
Masaru breathed out through his nose, "It's been so long since you've been here I almost forgot how all of our conversations got so deep so quickly."
That was because Kirishima always wanted information from Masaru since his son would very rarely give him a proper answer. Masaru was a keeper of knowledge for everything Kirishima wanted to know and he would give it easily if that's what it took to have Bakugou's friend in the house. Kirishima did feel bad about this, using Bakugou's father in some ways. But that wouldn't stop him from learning everything he wanted to know. Kirishima chuckled and tapped the ash off of his cigarette. He motioned his pack towards Masaru but he kindly declined.
"So. Going back home, huh? I didn't think you living here was going to be a temporary thing." Masaru said.
"Yeah, not many people did. I didn't even think I was going back home anytime soon but… things change."
"It wouldn't have to do with my son would it?"
Yes. But Kirishima wouldn't tell him that.
"No, no. It was my decision to go home," Masaru began to chuckle. Kirishima tilted his head, "What's so funny?"
"You keep saying home like you don't have one here. You have your own little apartment. With your own coffee table and your own bed. With all your action figures set up."
"Hey, how do you know about my figurines?"
"Bakugou talked about your house a lot. He'd tell me when you bought a new book or another poster. He'd talk about all sorts of stuff he did with you there. He knew every nook and cranny in your house. I'm sure he'd be sad to know that all those things won't be there anymore. I think he felt that your house was just as much as his."
"...Yeah… I guess so."
Kirishima took another drag. He knew that Bakugou knew he was leaving somehow. So the isolation and the move had to weigh heavily on him. Bakugou did love the safe haven dictated at Kirishima's apartment.
"Sir, where does Bakugou go when he's not home?" Kirishima asked.
Masaru bit his cheek and laughed, "He keeps his location on, so I know where he's at so I don't have to worry if he comes home late. Since he broke up with you, he's been hanging out at the train station a lot. He'll go to the coffee shop they have there and watch trains come and go all day long. Sometimes until it gets dark," Masaru tan his fingers through his hair, "Heh, sometimes I think one day he's going to get a train ticket to somewhere I don't know and never come back home."
"That's irrational don't you think? He's not just going to get up one day and leave forever."
"Oh yeah? You don't think so? Then what does it mean when a young man stays at a train station all day long if it wasn't because he wanted to go somewhere?"
"Well… uh…"
"I gotcha there with that one huh?"
"Ah, whatever. But let's say that that is what he plans on doing. Hypothetically-"
"It's not hypothetical, Kirishima, he'll do it one day. Probably in the same vein of how you chose to leave. He'll pick a date and then up and go."
"I'm not just up and going, I've been planning this.I'm leaving because there isn't anything left for me here."
"Same goes for Suki."
Kirishima tapped his fingers on his mug, "Doesn't that scare you?"
"No. Not at all."
"None? No fear whatsoever?"
"Nope."
"Not a one. That your son won't come home and that he never will again. That doesn't scare you in the slightest? My Ma would kill you if she heard you say that."
"Kirishima, I know that you know my son well but I will always know him better," Masaru said this with such confidence. The kind that couldn't be knocked down, "When my wife got sick, he never cared for this place but he couldn't go anywhere too far because his mother is dying in the next room… Katsuki was meaner than hell but he would never leave his family like that. He sacrificed a lot for us, more than any teenager should. I'd feel horrible if he didn't think that now that she's gone he has to stay here."
Kirishima was unsettled by the thought of Bakugou leaving to some place where he couldn't go and see him if he wanted to. And maybe that's how everyone else felt about him leaving. That he was running away and that the aching feeling of missing someone would not bring them back. This place wasn't right for either of them. Kirishima wished that now, the two of them could run away together but they were going in two different directions now. And that they would never meet up at the same place after all of this was over. But he finally understood that heavy feeling and that he should apologize to many of his friends. Kirishima stubbed out his cigarette and finished the rest of his tea.
"He would be a good drifter I suppose," Kirishima joked, "Maybe he'll run away to Paris and learn how to curse in French."
Masaru smiled, "No, he'd never get that far. Europeans would kick him out of their country before he could even say, Je m'appelle."
The both of them chuckled. Masaru seemed glad to be having a conversation with someone his son's age. A former lover. Someonewho knew him well.
"Would you like another cup or do you have to go?"
"I have a lot of time to talk before I have anything to do. I'd love another cup."
"Wonderful," Masaru stood up and went into the kitchen, "I've been thinking about getting a dog soon. I need the company."
"A dog? Cats are much easier animals to take care of."
"Yes, but they're never much fun."
"Hey, I'm going to use the bathroom quickly. I'll be a minute."
"Sure thing."
Kirishima got up from his seat and headed upstairs. There was one he could use down stairs, but if Masaru would say something about it he'd just say he forgot about it. Masaru wouldn't believe it but he would accept it. Kirishima didn't have to use the bathroom, he wanted to go to Bakugou's room. It wasn't right to go in there while Bakugou wasn't around but this might have been the last time he would see it again. He opened up the door and turned on the light. It was messy, like he hadn't been around long enough to clean it. The bed wasn't made, clothes on the floor scattered, and an ashtray full of cigarette butts. The stench… the smell of Bakugou filled Kirishima's nostrils and brought him back to a head space he wanted to remember for sometime now. He shut the door behind him and began to wander around the small room. Kirishima sat down on the edge of the bed and looked around the room. Finding familiarities he once recognized. He ran his hand on the sheets, straightening them out a bit before laying down on the bed. Kirishima closed his eyes and sighed.
He imagined the conversations him and Bakugou once had. How his little pale lips would part gently before his sharp teeth would show because something set him off. They never talked about the future that often. Only about the past and present. Must have been because Bakugou never saw such a far future with Kirishima. That made Kirishima chew his cheek. Kirishima rolled over on his side and cuddled up with Bakugou's pillow. He had already been up here for too long. But this place made his stomach feel warm and his heartbeat faster.
Kirishima thought about how clammy Bakugou's hand was when he held it. His grip around Kirishima would always be so strong when he held him. How his lips would move against Kirishima's, always acting like it was a way to assert dominance. Their noses would rub against one another's, the closeness of their breathes radiated their skin. Kirishima could feel that passion between them.
Kirishima opened his eyes and realized how much he still loved Bakugou and that all of this was ridiculous. To be in this position, pretending like they still had some sort of relationship. Kirishima got off of the bed and sighed. He would see him again. That much he knew, and his room would not be the last memory Kirishima had of him.
So I hope you enjoyed. Review, follow, and favorite if you did. See you next update.