Chapter 23: Tommy

As I made my way around the deck of Carpathia, I could tell the lifeboat I was on was one of the last to get unloaded. With Carpathia's passengers and Titanic's survivors, space on deck was becoming limited. The crew was trying their best to get to everyone, but you could tell they were becoming overwhelmed. I didn't know how early it was when the first lifeboat came, but it must have been about nine in the morning now.

I was jut concerned with finding El.

Knowing it would be impossible searching every face in the crowd, I worked my way to the dining hall, where there was a large pack of people from Titanic. It looked like crew members were still taking the names of survivors, so there I waited until I could give them my name, and find out more information. There were many faces I saw, but none of them were El's. Where the hell was she?

"Name, sir?" a stewardess approached me, notepad in hand.

"Hi," I smiled, "Thomas Ryan."

"Thank you," she was about to scurry off until I stopped her.

"Hey, before you run off there, is there an Ellie..." I paused for a moment, thinking of the correct way to pronounce that damn last name of hers, "DeWitt Bukater on that list?"

"DeWitt Bukater?" her face scrunched as she paged through the list for a few moments, "No, no, not on here. There's a Ruth listed but no Ellie. There's a few of us keeping track of everyone here though, it may be on another list."

"Huh," I thought for a moment. There was no way she wasn't on here since I got her on a lifeboat, and she didn't jump off with her sister. She talked about us being in New York together. Maybe she was planning on leaving her family altogether. It was a long shot, but I decided to have another go, "What about Ellie Ryan?"

Looking a bit confused, the stewardess paged through.

"Again, sir, I'm not sure-" she began to say but then stopped mid-sentence, "Oh look at that, yes, there is an Ellie Ryan listed here."

"Any idea where I could find her?" I asked. The stewardess still looked confused.

"It looks like she was assigned to a cabin not that long ago, but I'm not sure if I can just give you that information."

"She's my wife," I lied.

"She's your wife? And you didn't know her last name?" she raised her left eyebrow.

"Eh, she threatens to go back to her maiden name all the time when she's mad at me. Wasn't too happy with me getting her on a lifeboat. Marriage, you know," I grinned sheepishly, running my hand through my hair nervously. She looked at me blankly. I felt like she was analyzing me.

"I don't know anything about that," she replied, "But I do know she was assigned to Cabin C52."

"Thank you, you just made my entire life. Keep up the good work!" I encouraged as I began to ran off. I managed to get a chuckle out of her.

"Good luck to you, sir."

Relieved, I started my search for C-deck, hoping that there wasn't another woman calling herself Ellie Ryan in that room.

Ellie

I felt so hopeless. I went up to that steward with such confidence after telling off my mother and Cal, only to have my worst fears confirmed.

I asked if Tommy was on that list. He wasn't. The steward attempted to console me, explaining how multiple crew members were keeping track of survivors, not all the lifeboats had made it yet, and this and that, but I knew the truth deep down. The chances of him surviving were astronomically unlikely. It was better to accept it now than keep my hopes up. I couldn't put myself through that.

He also confirmed that Rose's name hadn't made it to the list either. And it was that moment I completely fell apart in front of him, a complete stranger. It just all came out.

He didn't know what to do with me, but he felt horrible. Magically, he found an open cabin to assign me to, and told me to get some rest. I found out his name was Will.

As I laid in this heated cabin, wrapped in blankets, Tommy's sweater balled in my hands, I told myself that this was one benefit of finding out the love of your life and your sister were dead. At least you could be warm, away from the rest of the world.

After losing my father and now going through this, it was no wonder why I had embraced such pessimism. It was a better way to get the grieving process started and done with.

What the hell was I going to do now?

I shut my eyes tightly, attempting to put my racing thoughts to rest and get to sleep. I couldn't cry anymore, and crying did no damn good anyway.

But there I laid, tossing and turning. I felt so drained, so exhausted, but I just couldn't drift off to sleep even though that was all I wanted to do.

A pounding knock on the door startled me. I had the feeling maybe my time in the warm cabin was coming to an end, a steward would be there at the door and would have to explain to me how the original passenger in this cabin wasn't feeling so hospitable anymore, and I would have to be moved somewhere else. I could already picture myself sleeping out on a dining room table. Or maybe it was mother, deciding she needed to have another word with me. The knocking was so loud, it could have possibly been Cal too, still fuming about what I said to him earlier. The pounding continued as I threw back on Tommy's sweater to cover myself up.

"Jesus Christ, I'm coming!" I barked. I certainly wasn't in the mood.

I flung open the door in an annoyed manner, and almost fell over in shock seeing Tommy grinning there before me in the doorway.

"Takin' my last name already, huh?"

"Oh my god," I let out breathlessly and my knees went weak as I fell into his arms, "You're alive!"

"I am," he held me so tightly, it felt as if he was never going to let me go.

"I'm not dreaming am I?"

"You're not," he laughed, "I'm here."

"But how-" I looked up into his eyes and he interrupted my thoughts by kissing me long and hard.

"I'll explain later," he said, still kissing me as we stumbled back into the cabin. I kicked the door behind me as he pinned me up against the wall, "I don't want to think about that now."

He had the right idea.

"Fine with me," my heart was pounding like crazy as I pulled him up against me, kissing him back just as passionately.

I just wanted to revel in the fact that the love of my life was alive right here before me. For a little while, I just wanted to forget what had just happened these past few hours. I was completely overcome with emotion. I couldn't believe he had actually made it, he was really alive!

I needed him, right now, at this moment. I didn't care that we had only known each other for about two days now and I had waited so many years to give myself to someone. This was something I had always wanted, even though I tried to convince myself otherwise, and now, I had it.

He was it.

I felt dizzy in the best way as I fell onto the bed, pulling him ontop of me. I went for his shirt as his hands slipped under the nightgown I was still wearing from last night.

"I want you so bad right now," he said almost in a whisper.

"Make love to me, Tommy," I looked into his eyes as he grinned in response.

"Gladly."

And in an instant, all of the horrible thoughts I couldn't get out of my head previously had finally been put to rest.

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