CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Aftermath

There were a million other places I would have rather been than in the Forks High parking lot. It was the Monday after the party and the embarrassment still clung to every fiber of me. After telling myself repeatedly that I shouldn't care about it, dread still welled up in me at the thought of facing Jasper today. I sat in my car for longer than normal, considering driving off and skipping school several times. It would be easier to just leave without having to face him. It would also mean prolonging the inevitable and would probably make me look worse than I already did.

The parking lot was beginning to empty as students filtered into their first bell classrooms. It was only once the Cullens had disappeared into the main building that I dared to step out of my car. Even though I shouldn't have run into him, my heart pounded against my chest as I walked to English class. What would I even say to Jasper? It wasn't his fault that he didn't think of me that way, but it still hurt to consider. Over the past couple weeks, it felt like he'd been flirting with me quite a bit but clearly I was delusional. I knew how it felt to be kissed by someone I thought to be just a close friend and I never wanted to do that to someone else, yet here we are.

"Good morning, Val!" Leave it to Hannah to be awake at seven in the morning. Normally I would scream back, but the worry sitting on my chest gives me little energy. It felt like I was running thin at the end of my rope. I had spent the rest of Friday night joking and laughing with my friends like nothing had happened, and though I wanted to do that now I couldn't summon up the energy. I end up sitting in my seat, slamming my books down on the desk a little harsher than I'd intended. "Woah, what's wrong?"

A question I didn't really feel like answering. Hannah hadn't done anything wrong, I knew, but still, my mood hung over me and my conversations. "Nothing, I'm just tired."

"And I can see right through that one. What happened?"

"I'm just really stressing out about this calc exam coming up. I haven't been paying attention in class." It wasn't a lie either. There was a massive exam next week that I should be panicking over, but I hadn't thought about it since the kiss.

That damn kiss. I wanted it to be horrible, for me to feel the same way about it that Jasper had; and yet, the memory of the kiss alone was enough to bring a blush to my face. Then the memory of Jasper's reaction floods through my mind. Never before had I seen such disgust on someone's face. With the reaction he gave me, someone would have assumed an animal had died in that room. It was reminiscent of the way he'd looked at me on my first day at Forks High; a look I hadn't seen since.

Never before had I wanted the bell to ring, but I was thankful then. Clearly, Hannah had said something to me but I had zoned out. There was no hope of me being able to respond to her in a worthwhile way so instead, I opened my notebook to pay attention in class for once.

No matter how hard I tried, however, I could not focus on any of my morning courses. In every classroom, my mind ended up right back to that party. Then before I knew it, I was standing outside the chemistry classroom praying to whatever higher power who would listen. Please, just don't let him make a big deal of it right now. I still don't know what I could possibly say to Jasper. He didn't deserve to be sucked into drama he didn't want, so I needed to make sure he understood that Friday night meant nothing to me, even if it were far from the truth.

I waited until right before the bell would ring before I stepped inside, walking to my lab seat in between the brothers. It was easy to tell they were both looking at me, but I continued to wordlessly get the supplies out that we'd need for the day's lab. It was easier to focus on what my hands were doing rather than the way Jasper was looking at me. Pity seemed to fill his face like I was somehow the victim here.

"Good morning, Crankypants," Emmett spoke up, nudging me with his elbow.

"Mornin'," I answered almost under my breath as I kept working. It still felt like leaden weights were draped across my shoulders. Would I have to drink several cups of coffee every morning to find the motivation to get through school? It was silly to be this affected by a guy.

"You're not even gonna fight me calling you that? Man, you are in a bad mood."

That made me slam my hand on the table, frustration filling me as quickly as possible. They weren't making it easy to act normal, were they? "I'm not in a bad mood, okay?" It came out harshly, and from the raised brow look Emmett was giving me, I knew I'd only proven his case. A sigh. I even close my eyes, trying desperately to get rid of this feeling. It wasn't Emmett's fault that I humiliated myself in front of his brother, I reminded myself. "Sorry. I've just been stressed lately." I ran my hand down half my face, revealing how little sleep I'd gotten that weekend. Between constant dreams of the same funeral and pure anxiety over how I'd acted with Jasper, there was little room for sleep.

"Hey, don't worry about it. We all have bad days, that right Jasper?" Emmett was trying to help but even the name was enough to make me wince. It seemed he felt the same too because all Jasper did was glare at his brother. "Oh, don't tell me you two are just gonna keep fighting."

"We're not fighting," Jasper and I snapped at the same time. I might've laughed if it wasn't him.

"I hate when Mom and Dad fight," Emmett whined, "Why don't you two kiss and makeup already?"

Emmett was joking, right? My eyes widened at that, all breath leaving my lungs at that moment. This was some cruel joke because surely Jasper had told him what happened and surely he wouldn't dare use it against me, right?

My expression must have made him realize what he said because Emmett even had the decency to look guilty about it. "Wrong choice of words," was all he said, rubbing the back of his neck. I'd been around the guy enough to know that he did this when he really felt bad about something. "I'm sorry, Valerie."

"Hey, it wasn't anything. I'm totally fine." How could I possibly let Jasper know that I was hurt by how he reacted? He shouldn't feel bad for reacting in the way that he needed, even if it caused a fierce aching in my chest.

"Valerie, I want to-" Jasper began, but honestly it was too much. Not right now.

"No, it's okay. I'm really fine, don't worry about any of it," I told him, holding my hand up to stop him.

"I need to explain mys-"

"No, you really don't. There's nothing to explain, I totally understand. It was my fault, it won't happen again, and now I don't want to talk about it."

"Valerie." The way he said my name made my breath catch in my throat. There was so much emotion in that one word that it made my heart race. My lungs struggled to refill themselves fully and I began to wonder if this was too serious for a couple of high school seniors.

"I just want to pretend that it never happened, will you please just give me that?" I practically pleaded with him, wanting nothing more than for the topic to be changed. It was bad enough I had to talk to Jasper about it, but I felt cornered in between the two brothers. It began to feel more like I was a trapped animal rather than a person.

It felt like someone out there actually listened to me when the bell finally rang. It released me from the Hell I was sure I was living; giving me cause to scoop up my books and practically run out of the lab room. Finally out of that room, out from between the brothers, breath came to me normally. I stood at my locker for longer than necessary, closing my eyes and just taking in the sweet air that I had missed. It wasn't too often that I felt such panic as I did back there.

"Hey, Valerie." Of course, I never did get a break, did I? I sighed, turning around to see Emmett standing there, already having his new books in his hand. He was a good friend, but he just reminded me too much of my massive screwup at the moment. Didn't they realize I just need some time to get over it?

"What, Emmett? I already told you that I'm fine." Even I was amazed at how drained my voice sounded like I just ran a marathon and was being asked to go work out some more.

"I know, so I'll make it quick," Emmett promised, moving to stand next to me so he was out of the way of the crowd. "Remember that this is new for him, too. You guys'll figure all this out, I believe in you two."

It should've made me feel better, the fact that Jasper's brother seemed to be insinuating that he was into me despite the kiss. Still, Emmett's been saying stuff like that since the beginning, seemingly desperate to get the two of us together. Was that my only reason for thinking Jasper would like me too because his brother said so? What a damn fool I was for not seeing through it.

"There's nothing to figure out, Emmett."

"Okay, Valley."

"Don't call me that!" I protest, nearly slamming my locker shut and making several people turn to look at me.

"See? Back to normal already." Emmett laughed before walking away, laughing so loudly I could hear him down the hallway.

"Wow, we get you back?" Damien teased me as I sat down at the group's lunch table for the first time in weeks. "What did we do to deserve that?"

"Shut up, can't you see she's upset?" Jordan snapped, hitting her fiance lightly on the arm.

There it is again, that look of pity that everyone seems to give me nowadays. That was part of the relief of moving to Forks, that I wouldn't have to see that look ever again. It was really too bad that I messed up as I did. "I'm not upset, Jordan. I just missed you guys."

"We missed you too!" Hannah squealed as she finally got to the table, plopping down in the chair beside mine. Her attention was quickly stolen by something behind me. She gasped, eyes widening as far as possible, it seemed. "Is that real? I thought he hated her!"

When I looked behind me, I was sure nothing could have been worse than what I saw. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen were walking together, his arm wrapped around her, to the Cullens' usual lunch table. So somehow the girl who had been here for barely a month was able to be enough for one of them. There was no way those two knew anything about each other, considering just last week he'd been straight up ignoring her. What did Bella do that I didn't? What did she have that I didn't? It didn't seem fair that she got the guy in the end and I ended up completely humiliated.

"Yeah he drove her to school today," Jordan spoke excitedly, leaning forward to gossip readily. "I guess they're a thing now. Who knew one of the Cullens would find a girl worthy of his attention?"

"Yeah, who knew," I murmured, stabbing my plastic fork into my salad. My cheeks burned with the humiliation I first felt Friday night. Never before had I wanted to disappear as much as I did at that moment.

"Well you were first," Hannah was quick to pipe up, probably sensing my hurt clear from beside me. "I've never seen Jasper act like he does around you with anyone else."

"I'm not his type." Focusing on my salad was easier than this conversation. If I even dared look the girls in the eye, I knew I would cry. "It's obvious, isn't it?"

"Well, I think they're too much work," Hannah said pointedly. She reached under the table to grab my hand, giving it a squeeze to let me know that she understood. I was thankful to have a friend like her, someone who knew something was wrong but also understood that I didn't want to talk about it right now. "I mean, no one likes the hard to get type."

"Apparently Bella Swan does," Jordan laughs, shaking her head at the girl. "I wish that girl luck, she'll need it with Cullen."

"I'm gonna have to meet this girl." That was Hannah. Honestly, I was surprised she hadn't met her yet, considering how quickly she found me when I first showed up here. Maybe it was because Bella was in the year below us and because we were graduating in four months. "Mike Newton's fallen head over heels for her. A lot of other junior guys too. I mean what do they see in her?" Hannah was still up to date on who Mike was into these days. Somehow I don't think she's over him as much as she insists.

"She seems pretty quiet to me. She's in my gym class, doesn't really talk to anyone," Sierra speaks up from across the table. "The only people I've really seen her talk to are Angela and Jessica." That one was enough to make me wince. I'm pretty sure Jessica was the most annoying personality I've met, including Lizzie Crandell from back in Roseville. The fact that this new girl befriended her makes me want to keep far away from Bella.

"Apparently she talks to the Cullens," I speak up, disdain clear in my voice as I glance to that table, already feeling jealousy burning through my chest. She's sitting between Edward and Alice, not talking much but clearly listening as Alice tells her something. Jasper had never introduced me to the rest of his siblings; I probably should have realized by then that I wasn't anything more than a friend to him. It's when I make eye contact with Jasper that I whip my head back around, cheeks burning and heart racing. "Let's talk about something else. Please."

"How do you guys feel about the calc exam coming up?" That was Damien. It was cute that he was trying, but mentioning the exam that I'm definitely gonna fail doesn't help my mood. It was because of Jasper that I hadn't been paying attention in class all year, and now I was about to get totally screwed by this exam.

"Something else?" I suggested, shoving as much salad into my mouth as possible so I didn't have to focus on anything else. Food calms all anxieties, that I'm sure.

"How about college?" Jordan spoke up. "Damien and I both got into UCLA."

Damn, that's impressive. I also know that it was their top school so they would no doubt be accepting that offer immediately. "Wow, congrats you guys!"

"You better come and visit all the time," Hannah demanded, only relenting when Jordan promised her that we'd all hang out over breaks. "I'm going to UWash in Seattle. It's close and a good school."

"I don't know yet," I admitted. It was beginning to be worrisome, the fact that I hadn't heard from Harvard yet. I knew the Ivy Leagues tended to wait a while until they announced who was accepted, but everyone else already seemed to know where they were going and I was stuck. "But I got accepted to the University of Texas, so if all else fails I'll probably go there."

"I can't believe we're all being split up soon," Hannah lamented, crossing her arms as a pouting toddler would. "I'm gonna miss you guys when you all leave me."

"You know we're gonna talk all the time, Hannah," I promised her, squeezing the hand she hadn't let go of yet. "You'll still have your annoying friends with you next year. Besides, we're not gone yet. We still have plenty of trouble we could get into."

"Like you, Valerie," Sierra spoke up again, shaking her head. "What did you do to Jasper? He's been staring at you like you two are long lost lovers or something."

He wasn't, was he? I dared to peek, only to see that Jasper had looked away. "I didn't do anything."

"Well something must have happened," Jordan tried again, clearly desperate to know the latest gossip. She also looked worried for me, I could almost see her asking if he hurt me in any way. If she only knew that it was the other way around."You're acting so differently than you were on Friday. After that party he threw for you, I thought for sure you two would be dating by now."

"Yeah, I did too."

"So something did happen then," Hannah spoke. Clearly the girls were going to keep asking until I told them. The thought of vocalizing the embarrassment was enough to make my cheeks burn.

"I kissed him, okay? I kissed him and he looked absolutely horrified, like kissing me was the worst thing he could have possibly imagined. It was the most humiliating experience of my life, and I hate that I'm crying over a guy again," I spoke rapidly, wiping at my wet cheeks harshly. Suddenly I was standing up and hurrying out of the cafeteria with a quick, "I don't feel so good, I'm going to the nurse's office."

I had to walk by the Cullen table to leave. I averted my gaze and practically sprinted out of there, hoping that Jasper didn't see me crying though knowing he probably did. I'd never been the girl to cry over guys, but now it's been several times that he's made me well up. Was that even normal? It began to make me wonder if maybe this was a blessing after all. Maybe the world was trying to tell me that I shouldn't be with Jasper Hale. I mean, for the first couple months of knowing each other we were constantly at each other's throats. Was that a good sign of a meaningful relationship?

I didn't end up at the nurse's office. She wouldn't have been able to help me anyway, not with this. Instead, I ended up wandering the grounds. It really was a wonder more people didn't skip school, considering the fact that the next bell was already in progress and no one found me out here. I couldn't face Jasper in calculus, it was already too much for one day and that might send me over the edge.

It was peaceful being outside. In Alabama, I'd been able to sit outside for the majority of the year. I would do my homework in the field beside my house and would sometimes even sleep out there on those hot summer nights with the lightning bugs to keep me company.

This was no Roseville peace. It was overcast yet again and it was still bitterly cold, making me wish I had grabbed my coat before hightailing it out here. The wind twirled curls into my hair and dried the tears as they formed. I was shivering despite myself and kept my arms folded tightly over my stomach. Even though this was far from Roseville, it was the most peaceful moment I'd had in a while. I hadn't had the chance to be outside much in Forks and I didn't know until then how much it affected me.

This was Forks peace. Despite the chill, I could still hear some birds chirping in the distance. The wind made me feel far from alone out here, always wrapped around me. The evergreens were swaying gently, needles rustling. It was enough for my tears to stop flowing, for my mind to be taken off all the stress for just a moment.

That is until Jasper Hale decided he wanted to ruin my peace. I didn't hear him as he walked up to me, but I could see him hovering just beside me. "You're freezing."

"I'm not. Shouldn't you be in calculus?" I return, not daring to look at him. Instead, I kept my gaze on a bird's nest far at the top of a distant evergreen.

"Shouldn't you?" I scoffed at that one. So he was going to be just as annoying as ever, then. "I want to apologize, Valerie."

"There's nothing to apologize for. It was my bad. I thought...it doesn't matter what I thought. But it's okay, you don't have to be into me," I explained quickly, hoping he knew he didn't have to feel any guilt for my embarrassment. "I just want us to pretend it didn't happen."

"I don't." That was enough to get me to look at him. His golden eyes were staring right back at me. He had one hand mussing up his golden hair, a habit I've grown used to seeing. I'd seen him tense, but I didn't often see him this nervous. "You have no idea how much I want to kiss you, Valerie."

It felt like a slap in the face. "You sure have a way of showin' it, cowboy." The replay of his disgusted face made me shut my eyes, if only for a moment. I took a deep breath, not wanting to get too upset. Jasper didn't need to see that, it wasn't worth it.

"I was surprised, that night," Jasper began to explain, "I've told you that it's dangerous to be around me, I can't kiss you without fear of losing control. I want to tell you everything but you just wouldn't understand."

"Make me understand, Jasper," I finally snapped. "You're confusing the hell outta me. First, you're repulsed by me, and then we're close friends, and then you're flirting with me and giving me these signals but when I acted on it you..." Another breath. My brain is screaming at me to just please remember to breathe. It's harder than it looks. "That look on your face, that complete disgust with everything that I am, it, I've only ever seen one other person look at me that way. I don't want anyone to ever look at me like that again. It makes me feel like I am nothing, and I know that I'm deserving of more than that."

"I never wanted to hurt you." I could see the pain clear on Jasper's face. It was easy to tell that he was conflicted, being pulled in two different directions. He pulled on his hair again, somehow messing it up even more than normal. "I will regret hurting you for the rest of my life, but I can't be anything more to you."

"But you want to be," I tried carefully, wondering if that was where the conflict was from.

"More than anything." The air rushed from my lungs then. When I had nightmares over how our conversation would go today, this was not what I ever anticipated. Jasper Hale wanted to date me?

"Is it the immortal thing?" The wince let me know that I'd hit the target with that one.

"I can't make you happy, Valerie. I can't give you the life you deserve," Jasper told me, looking more pained than I'd ever seen him.

"And I don't get a say in that?" I returned. We were standing close again, him now with his head turned away from me, staring at the ground. "Jasper," I tried to get his attention, braving gently resting my hand on his cheek. He was freezing to the touch just like before, like he'd been standing out here for hours when I knew it had only been a handful of minutes. "We don't need to worry about the future or the kind of life we both want. We're just teenagers, okay? For now, we're just two teenagers who kind of like each other." I got him to smile at that one.

"Jasper, we can figure this out together. We can take this one day at a time."

Nothing was said for a long time. I wondered if he would panic again, take off running before I could say anything else. "I can't kiss you, I can't..do things that normal teenagers would."

"And that's okay. I'm not asking for the world, I'm asking for a chance," I tried to tell him, letting my hand slip back to my side. "We can take things slow, do what's comfortable for you. And, I won't ask questions. I don't need to know more than what you choose to tell me. I trust you, Jasper."

"What did I do to deserve you, Darlin'?"

"I don't know. I'm pretty great, aren't I?" I teased with a bright grin taking over my face.

"You're the most difficult woman I've ever met," he laughed, "And I've lived for over a century."

"And you're a show-off."

Jasper had the courage to grab my hands in his then. His touch was gentle, slightly unsure, but made me feel nothing but safe. "I promise to never hurt you again."

"You will. And I'll probably hurt you. That's how relationships go, Jasper, don't set such impossible standards for yourself," I told him, squeezing both of his hands. "One day at a time, remember?"

"One day at a time."

So there it is guys! One thing that came up a lot was that y'all didn't mind if Bella wasn't in this too much. So while some events of the saga will stay the same, some of it will be different too. I'd really love to hear what you guys think of this chapter! I changed this chapter so many times and this is what I've landed on. Again, thank you all so so much for reading and a special thank you to all of you who take the time to review. It truly does mean the world to me that you guys are as invested in Valerie's story as I am. Anyway, I'll talk to you in the next update and review responses are below!

rooske01: Thank you so much! I'm glad you like the story so far.

chellekathrynnn: Ah, yes I felt so bad writing that bit, poor Val! I definitely can't wait until Valerie gets to know the rest of the Cullen siblings because I definitely adore Alice too, she's such an interesting character! Thank you so much for reviewing again!

EchoInTheVoid: Thank you for the review!

NikkiNie: Thank you so much for the feedback! I agree that I don't want this to just be a retelling of Twilight. There will be differences and as minimal Bella as I can swing. I definitely intend for Val's story to be her own.

eeeeaud: It didn't go well at all, but hopefully things start looking up now ;) Anyway, thank you so much for the review!

Ghostwriter71: Thank you for your continuous reviews, it does mean a lot! That was an idea I had for this, was to kind of tweak some things here and there from the canon, but I wasn't sure what people would think!

Guest: I also agree that I can't see a lot of Bella in Valerie's journey! Thank you for taking the time to review and I hope you like how their talk went

mythborne: Thank you so much for that review. It made me grin to see that you've enjoyed it that much. Valerie is a character very near and dear to me so I am so happy that you find her complex and interesting. Again, thank you!

Phoenix-Rising29: THEY DID KISS. It was actually supposed to happen a lot later down the road but I couldn't resist ooops. I adore writing for Emmett so I'm happy to hear that his and Valerie's relationship is well-liked! It's only going to improve as she gets more involved, that's for sure because he's so much fun to write. Anyway, again I can't thank you enough for all the feedback you give me on this story it means a lot!