Chapter 17
It hadn't taken long upon getting to their house for L to fall asleep, but oddly enough, Light was the one who found himself unable to drift into slumber, so he decided to get up and take a walk in an attempt to clear his head.
He smiled, seeing L's sleeping form on the blanket pile, his thumb partially in his mouth like it would be if he was awake, and also giving him more of a child-like appearance. Light smiled, getting up, and testing how much weight he could put on his leg. Once he was satisfied, he got up and smiled down at Lily, "You stay here, Lily. Protect Ryuzaki for me."
Opening the door after putting a jacket and makeshift boots on, he looked around. The moonlight splashed down its watery white-silver glow onto the forest, the trees were silhouetted against the deep velvety sky where stars illuminated the heavens like snowflakes in the night, yet appeared still, like an old photograph.
Light smiled, feeling the wind blow his hair into a tousled mess even more than it already was, having not been brushed. At least L had started making a surprisingly effective soap out of the ashes left from a night's firewood. Still, they did have to be careful using it since they couldn't dunk their heads under the water in the hot spring, or else bacteria will enter their bodies and kill them, so they needed to use lukewarm purified water to get the soap out of their hair. Even if he didn't mind L and Ryuk's company only, what he wouldn't do for a hot shower at this point.
He sat at the usual spot, his feet dangling off the edge as he laid down with his hands rested behind his head, functioning as a pillow of the sort. The constellations, who'd witnessed centuries and millennia just the same, watched over this tiny moment as he gave a blissful sigh, the chilly air only occasionally nipping at his unbandaged calf.
Ryuk looked down at him, unexpectedly sitting next to him, "Whatcha doing?"
"Just watching the stars, thinking." He chuckled, "You know, I've always loved the nighttime, so it's nice to be able to truly appreciate it. And yet, for months, the night was the time my demons came out to play—to bring out the worst in me. But ever since getting out here, it was different. I'm actually... happy."
"But don't you need to go back to write more names?" Ryuk asked, and Light sat up,
"Yes. That being said, while I do believe the world needs changing, I did talk to Ryuzaki. He wants to take me around the world so I can see other justice systems. What if I've been judging people improperly? L was telling me that the police are practically the villain in part of the world, and I have to fix it!" He sighed, "So even if we get back, it's going to be a while before I write names. Sorry to bore you, but I have morals."
"So we're going on another adventure? That doesn't sound boring."
"I guess we are. I've made that choice, but there are so many other things I need to figure out about myself and learn. I know you don't really care, but can I just talk at you for a moment."
"I don't really care." Ryuk replied, eating an orange, "But I have learned nothing that goes on in your head is boring." Light shrugged with a tiny chuckle,
"Well, L's been asking me what I want, and the more he asks, the more I start wondering the answer too. I have no idea what I want. I mean, I instantly wanted to be God of the New World, but why? Looking back, that was what I had jumped to, but I don't know the reason. Maybe I want power, but L's right that it's lonely at the top... I've known my whole life."
"Well," Ryuk looked down at him, laughing a bit, "What about being a God did you like? In my experience, it's extremely boring, and I'd think you'd hate it."
"Gods get worshipped, people listen to them, and believe, yes the power is nice, but... that's not what being a God is. It's pulling strings in the shadows so I can live happily as Light Yagami, the civilian. My parents always wanted me to be the best and defend justice, and I want to please them..." His eyes widened as the realization dawned on him. All those years, "I know what I want." It was barely a whisper as a smile bloomed on his face. It all made sense now, and it was almost like a piece had finally completed the puzzle.
He ran into the house, wanted to tell L what he had realized, and saw L had just shot awake, probably from a nightmare. He was hugging himself, looking around wildly, before relaxing when he saw Light. He took deep breaths, and Light hugged him, which helped L calm down, burying his face in Light's shoulder. It was strange, seeing the detective so vulnerable, but it showed a sense of trust, and now that he was sleeping more now after working even more than usual and exhausting himself, it was impossible to hide his nightmares.
Light smiled a little, running his hands through L's fluffy hair, which he had learned helped calm the other man. Maybe it was the excitement of what he had learned about himself and how it changed both everything and nothing, but he found himself singing—something he rarely ever did, especially with another person around,
"Come stop you're crying, it will be alright.
Just take my hand, hold it tight,
I will protect you from all around you.
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small, you seem so strong.
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm.
This bond between us can't be broken.
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart.
From this day on
Now and forevermore
You'll be in my heart.
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart.
Always."
L's tears slowly came to a halt as he calmed down, relaxing in Light's warm embrace. And after a few minutes, L looked up at him with soft grey eyes, "You're very talented, Light-Kun." Light bit his lip,
"You—You think so? I don't typically..." he trailed off, feeling awkward. Damnit, why was L able to make him so flustered? Why did love have to do that? But he came in here to say something, and he psyched himself up subtly and looked down at L again with a shy smile, a real and genuine one which felt foreign on his face before this whole mess. "L, I have something I need to tell you."
L broke away from the hug, sitting on the blanket pile and observing him, curiously, "What is it?"
"I finally found out what I want." Any remains of pain from his nightmare, or drowsiness, vanished from L at that moment as he leaned in, clearly eager to hear the answer to this, whispering in Light's ear and sending shivers up Light's spine as he felt L's warm breath along his neck,
"What is it you want, Light?"
"I want to be loved. That's what I've always wanted—from my parents, from the world, and L... you're the only one who truly knows the real me, I can be honest with you, and you haven't run away from this mess."
L grinned, leaning in and capturing Light's lips against his own. He kissed him, and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. L's hand rested below Light's ear, his thumb caressing his cheek as their breaths mingled.
"Well," he couldn't see it, but he knew L was smirking, "If you want to be loved, I'm sure I can oblige. If I have to fight Misa and Rem for your freedom, I'll do it. You deserve to be loved."
"I get it," Light whispered, "That you aren't ready to tell me what happened to you... but I'll always be here to listen when you're ready to talk." He saw Lily was curling up with him, so small that she could sleep on his thigh without any struggle whatsoever.
"Thank you, Camellia." L whispered, "I need time... I'll tell you one day, but I'm not ready to tell the story yet. Can we not go back to how things were before getting stranded? I don't want this to end..." there were tears in his eyes, "I don't want you to hate me."
"Was that your nightmare?" L nodded a little,
"We got back and—and you acted as though none of this happened, and you laughed as I died, saying how could you possibly have loved someone like me."
That stung, but Light knew he deserved it. If L had had a nightmare like that, it meant that at least subconsciously, he still had a doubt about their love. But Light wasn't deterred by that—after everything they had done to each other, and the fact Light knew very well that if they hadn't gotten stranded, L would be dead right now, so he knew he deserved it. He knew what he wanted now, and he had always been the type to fight for what he believed in. He would prove to L that he could be trusted, that L could show him everything, and he wouldn't run away.
Neither of them was perfect, they were both sadistic childish assholes who hated to lose, and Light knew L was just as clueless to how to have a relationship as he was. So this wasn't going to be easy, building that trust even when they no longer needed each other for survival. But Light had no plans of losing L now, not when he finally had a shot of getting that love he had so desperately craved—that missing piece he hadn't had a name for until mere minutes ago.
"It's going to take time for you to fully trust me—but I'm going to prove that you're safe with me. I'd be really sad if you died."
L simply nodded, seeming unsure of what to say, "I don't want to win anymore. It's not worth it. I can't lose you too."
"I'm not going anywhere," he assured L, holding him close, "Come on, we should get some sleep if we're going to make progress on the radio in the morning. I'll stay with you, and nobody is going to hurt you while I'm around."
"Would you fight Kira for me?"
Light paused, before thinking about Higuchi, and the fact he had been so close to losing himself mere weeks ago. How warped would his goals have become? "Yes. And even if I do use the Death Note to fix the world again, I don't want the Kira name—I never liked it to begin with."
L's brow furrowed, "I thought you chose it." He smiled a little as they both laid down, and Lily rubbed her face on L's cheek.
"No. The world picked the name." He sighed, "But I don't know what a new name would be. I guess I have time to decide." L nuzzled up against him,
"Can you sing to me, Light-Kun? Your voice is very soothing. You could become a singer if you lose interest in being a police officer." Light's eyes bugged out, and his face turned red, but didn't feel like stammering or revealing the true power of what happened when he got compliments not related to his grades.
So he focused on the song and continued to sing until he heard the tiny snores coming from L. He pulled one of the blankets up to L's shoulders, keeping him warm, and L made adorable noises as he adjusted his position on the blanket bed.
Light closed his eyes and listened to the crackling of the fire in the fireplace, letting the white noise lull him to sleep, feeling much more peaceful than he had been before.