Chapter 19

Cody sat looking at what used to be a close friend. He hadn't even recognized him at first. He had to bend down close to see that it was indeed him. He had looked for him as he traveled with the army but no one seemed to have seen him and now he knew why. Hell, he didn't know him anymore. Cody sat lost in his thoughts when Jimmy finally stirred. Cody saw his eyes slowly look at him.

"Remember me old friend?"

He watched Jimmy frown and turn his head.

"Awe, don't act like that. I am taking the time out of my day to sit with you. You could at least say something."

"Go away, Cody." Jimmy said hoarsely.

"So you do remember me."

Jimmy didn't even look back at him.

"What the hell is all this? I've never seen so much hair. It's everywhere." Cody said smiling.

Jimmy didn't smile. He just stared at the wall.

"How do you stay so skinny by the way? I'm rather getting a belly myself."

Nothing.

"Jimmy, come on. Seriously. What's going on? Two years and not a word. I never once sided against you, I just didn't understand but you rode hell bent out that station like we had all condemned you."

"I saw enough."

"No, you saw what you wanted to. You didn't see the confusion or the sympathy. You saw it as anger and hate. Now look at you. You lost yourself over those years. You need to forgive yourself and stop this nonsense. Lou forgave you years ago. Hell, her child is your child. If you ask me, she loves you."

Jimmy finally turned to look at Cody but he didn't see happiness. He saw pain and despair.

"Get out."

Cody went to stand not wanting to push him further. He stopped at the door.

"Hickok. You might can't see it or maybe you don't want to see it but we have all forgiven you and we don't hold no hard feelings. It was just something that happened. It's time for you to forgive yourself. I love you, brother."

Jimmy watched as Cody closed the door. He looked back at the wall as he felt tears fall down his face. He couldn't stay here. Jimmy died inside him a long time ago.

Teaspoon was the next one to come sit. He was surprised to find Jimmy sitting on the edge of the bed. He closed the door behind him and stood against the wall.

"Better not push it."

Jimmy stared at the floor in silence.

"Don't talk much anymore, huh?"

He wouldn't make eye contact.

"I know you hear me. Son, please forgive me for what happened that day. It has haunted me. Kept me up at night. I should have listened. I should have helped you to get through it as well as Lou. I'm sorry."

"Don't call me that."

"What?"

"Son. I ain't him anymore."

"Yeah, you are. You just ain't figured it out yet."

"I'm leaving."

"I don't think so."

Jimmy grunted.

"You are gonna stay here. Get that hand cleared up. Let Rachel put some meat on your bones then if, you still feel this way, you can leave. We won't stop you but at least give us the chance to try to make things right."

Jimmy turned weak eyes to Teaspoon.

"You know what I think you need."

Jimmy didn't answer.

"A hair cut and a shave. You'll see. We'll get right on that. I'll be back."

He watched Teaspoon leave the room. He had to get out. He couldn't look at them. He felt like he was choking and he couldn't breathe around them. He was evil. Pure and simple. He didn't want to hurt them anymore. He was a no good bastard. He decided that he failed before but next time he wouldn't. It was time to end it all before he stomped on their hopes once again. Seeing them all made it clear in his mind.

Teaspoon and Cody left Jimmy laying back on the bed. He didn't say a word the entire time that they cut his hair. He thought it better to not fight so he had just sat there. He didn't really have the strength anyway. He now looked at all the hair piled on the floor. He wouldn't even look at himself in the mirror. His arm and hand throbbed so he laid back. He held it up and looked at the bandages. He put it across his chest. He would close his eyes just for a few.

Lou and Rachel opened the door later and crept into the room. Rachel went to sweeping up the hair as he slept. She turned to Lou but she wasn't there. She looked over and saw her standing by the bed looking down at him. Rachel walked over and put her arm around Louise.

"You ok?"

"Brings back memories. Good and bad." Lou said as she wiped a tear.

"Now that he looks more like Jimmy, do you still feel the same?"

"It hurt to look at him. It took me by surprise. It's like before I didn't fully see him but now I do. I was scared but now as I look at his face, I feel happiness. All sorts of things I guess. I just want him to forgive himself. I want him to be happy."

"It's gonna be hard for him to forgive himself. The old Jimmy is in there somewhere. We just have to figure how to get him back to the surface. Come on. Let's let him rest."

Lou nodded as she walked behind Rachel to the door. She stole one last glance at the man who used to be her best friend.

Jimmy listened as they left the room. He opened his eyes as he heard the door close. He was alone. He pushed himself up and went to rub his face. He stopped and frowned. He sighed. They had cut his hair and gave him a shave trying to make him into something that he was not. He had heard Lou talking with Rachel. She needed to forget about him and forgiveness. She should have moved on with Kid. He would never allow her to forgive him as he would never forgive himself. He would make sure that he never hurt her again. He saw a mirror over on the dresser. He moved to the edge of the bed and slowly stood. He walked shakily over to see his reflection. He stood in shock. He saw someone that he wasn't anymore. Someone that no longer existed. He leaned on the dresser staring right into the eyes of a man that he had killed years ago.

"You fucking disgust me." He said as he pushed over the dresser.

Rachel and Buck rushed into the room upon hearing the loud crash. They stopped and saw Jimmy standing. He looked right at them before falling to the floor.