Chapter 21

I woke up on the bed, stellan looked at me with sad eyes and said

"Chris…" his voice trembling "they took chris.. he's gone"

Stellan started crying and he came to me and he cried on my shoulder. I asked

"Baby…. What do you mean gone?"

That's when i saw the puddle of blood and screamed

"That's my blood not chris's" he said

I looked at him, in horror and asked

"Where"

He pointed to his leg, I hadn't even noticed that he had a knife wound. I gasped and then i said

"We have to find him , stellan… we have to" I cried

That's when jack burst through the doors and said

"i know where he is"

"You son of a bitch.. Don't dare show your face to my wife. Your a disgrace, how could you be such an imbecile and bring that- that fucking physco to my wife? Are you ill, like mentally?. But i suppose you already know that ,so tell me , where is my fucking son?!" stellan yelled

I moved from behind stellan not looking at jack's eyes and said "get him back"

I saw stellan get up angrily and walk out of the room and out of the house and onto the driveway. I walked out and yelled

"Hey!" i quickened my pace to try and catch up with his "Stellan"

He continued walking down the long driveway

"Stellan , Stop!" i yelled

He stopped and balled his fists at his sides , his neck hunched with tension. i closed the remaining space between us and slowly circled him until we were facing each other

"Where the hell are you going?"

"To find our son" he flatly responded and leveled a challenging stare to me. His eyes were vividly blue against his still pale skin, and wild looking - like a caged animal. I reached out a hand to him but he took a step away and I snapped my hand back to my side, the rejection stinging. As long as it did not get too personal we were inseparable. i swallowed hard and cautiously asked

"So what, you're gonna go gallivanting around looking for our son with no clue?"

"you should be too, your his mother" he looked away and shoved his hands into the pocket of his jeans

"stellan , i know im his mother but i don't want to go around crazy looking for our son, i love him and we have to trust jack if he can bring our baby back" i threw my hand a up and shook my head

he looked down at me then, the early morning breeze blowing his wild hair all over his forehead and into his eyes. For a long moment the only sound was the wind. He clenched his jaw and turned away, looking at the ornate metal gate , at the edge of the property. my anger bubbled up with a taste of bile, making my chest flare from the indignation of it all. I stared unbelievably at his side.

"you know we have to trust him"

he turned back to face me and shook his head

"Don't count on him"

there wasn't another answer, just another deflection. The anger mixed with embarrassment, and I couldn't take it anymore. i felt raw and exposed and there he stood there he stood there - teflon. like usual , i glared at him , daring him to say anything constructive and he just looked down at your feet. I took a step away and felt my pajama cuffs scrape across the driveway. He reached out and grabbed my arm.

"i'm sorry"

"too late" i ground out and shook him off me, moving back toward the house

"kuklachka, baby..." he tried again but I whirled on him.

"Don't you kuklachka me!" i snapped at him "tell me what this is! Tell me we're gonna find chris.

"I just," he started and stopped , pressing his lips together and taking a deep breath as his fingers flexed out against the dark denim of his jeans, that wasn't good. the worry started to swell in me, and i couldn't help but continue

"Tell me chris is okay. Tell me we're going to find him without jack. Tell me!"

For a beat of a moment he glared at the ground and then everything about him deflated. His hands relaxed, his shoulder slumped and finally met my eyes- lost. The panic seized in my stomach and I felt my whole body contracted.

"Stellan.." i whispered, worried he abruptly straightened up and shook out his shoulders before running a hand through his hair. His armor quickly came back on. I swallowed hard against the knot that formed in my throat. I hadn't seen him do that in 5 years.

"We'll be fine, and Chris is fine."

"We'll be fine?" I echoed, my voice rising with panic in my chest. I cut my eyes to him and he just shrugged. I let out a mirthless laugh "he'll be fine"

I started walking up the driveway , trying to push it all back down in vain. The panic, the anger , the embarrassment, the loneliness. but I knew it wouldn't fit now. The box i had everything lived in , was too small to fit the emotions i was having now. I quickened my pace just a little. I heard him move behind me, and quickened my pace even more. I didn't want to face him now , everything was raw and i didnt know what to do.

"Avery." he pulled at the back of my jacket and I took another step letting the fabric pull taut against me. "Don't go."

"I have nowhere to go" my voice was thick and i cleared my throat "but he's fine, so don't worry about it"

"Don't do that. Don't make it seem like" he started and i yanked myself free and spun around

"I can't do this with you anymore" I swallowed hard and stared at his chest , unable to meet his eyes. "I trusted you, but you just can't trust me, IT'S MY SON"

"It's our son" stellan said almost sounding like he just broke. I saw the cracks in his armor and then he said "I trust you"

I shook my head and turned to go, but he quickly stepped in front of me, and placed his hands on my shoulder. I tried to step out of his touch "let me go" . I leveled an icy glare at him that caught him off guard.

"I asked you a long time ago, when you realized you wanted me and not jack." he started and I froze in place. "But what i never told you was when I wanted you, i wanted you in italy. And not because you were tiny and pretty and could free me of this half life in the circle. I wanted you because when that gun went off, the panic inside me was too much to bare."

"Stellan you can throw your guard up for everyone but not me, never me," i paused "and not for our children, only when it's needed. But never throw it up around me"

"Kuklachka…" he started

I just grabbed his face and kissed him and walked inside

Stellan ran up to me and asked "what about jack?"

"I guess we have to trust him for now"

"Okay."

He grabbed me and pulled me close to him and i put a steadying hand on his abs and then he said

"My Wife, my queen , my life" and kissed me. I relaxed and he picked me up and I threw my hands around his neck and he placed me on the couch. "Oh and I'm running for prime minister of England. And I thought I could run for president in russia."

I laughed "prime minister of england , i think go for russia , i'll go for england" he laughed

"Your right"

"Now i wouldn't want you to lose your handsome russian to some british. I like the russian far more than I admit."