Root stared out the window of John's car, leaning her shoulder against the door. Despite the hot air outside, the glass was cold against her bare skin as she looked out into the night. Buildings shot past as they drove through the city to the fairgrounds. Dropping her eyes to her lap, Root traced her eyes over the patterns in her lace gloves.
The bruise on her head was fading, but it was still unpleasant to look at. Three days after impact and it was a sickly green and yellow, still purple in the center. Luckily, Mr. Finch had understood and let her take a few days off of work. He'd given her the whole week off and she was going stir crazy, even though it was only Tuesday.
John had been home all day Sunday and last night. He was being surprisingly attentive, overly nice and helpful. In March, Root would have been happy to spend more time with him, see him prioritize her over work and Mr. Finch. Now, she wanted him gone, so Sameen could care for her. The only good thing about her injury was that John was sleeping in the guestroom and letting Sameen sleep with Root in his larger bed.
She wasn't quite sure why, but she wasn't going to complain or question it. Uncrossing her ankles, she stretched her legs in front of her. They were on their way to the fair John had invited them to on Friday night. Root had needed to get out of the house, and she liked going to fairs like this. It wasn't hosted by the homeowner's association, or anyone that they knew. It was just a New York City fair, and Root was looking forward to having some anonymity in the crowded, night-time carnival.
She'd be more excited if she didn't have to wear a dress. Even though Sameen was with them, sitting silently behind Root in the backseat, this was still technically a date with John. Root thought about when Sameen had first moved in, and Root had been upset that she had come to the movies with them. This felt like the opposite; Root was frustrated that John was cutting into her time with Sameen.
She smoothed her hands over her skirt. It was belted at her waist and was fluffy down to her knees, with a petticoat and everything. Root had forgone her girdle, but she was wearing her corset-bra and garter belt, silk stockings clipped into place. It all felt restricting and her lace gloves were making her hands itch. She didn't know how she wore all of this for years, with barely a complaint.
The silence in the car was deafening and awkward. Root didn't know what to say to fill it, and she knew that Sameen and John were fine with long silences. It was probably only her that felt suffocated by the heavy quiet. She wondered if she should pretend that she and Sameen weren't spending all of their time together. John had to know that they were. She wasn't sure what it would do.
Licking her lips, Root shifted in her seat and looked at John. His eyes were fixed on the road. Stubble ran along his jaw, going gray now. He was unkempt, which was unusual for him. It was usually a sign that he was stressed, or upset, but his big case was done now. Wasn't that why he was suddenly clinging to her and taking up her time?
She felt bad for thinking about him like a burden. Three months ago, she had thought she was in love with him. Maybe she had been a little bit, but now whenever he was around, or in her mind, she just thought of him as an obstacle. Would she ever be friends with him once she revealed that she was having an affair with Sameen? Would he disown Sameen? Kick her out of his house, reject her?
Root didn't want to make Sameen's life any harder than it was, but she knew there would be consequences to their actions and their decisions. John would be hurt by their lying. Root didn't want to break his heart and then leave him for good. She didn't want her whole life to change.
But she did. Hadn't that been the whole point of letting herself realize that she liked women? That she liked Sameen? That she wanted to leave New York? If she didn't say anything or tell the truth, all this doubt and conflict was for nothing. Root wanted to be with Sameen, as herself, and that would mean hurting John. That was how it had to be.
She ran her eyes over his face. She didn't have to hurt him right now. She would talk to Sameen tonight, once they'd gone to bed, and they could decide on the right time. It would be soon. Root wasn't sure she could survive the restraint of her life or clothing for much longer. She'd have a good time with John tonight and break his heart another day.
"Did you win your case?" Root asked, her voice sounding like a shout in the silence of the car.
John jumped slightly, his eyes glancing to her and away again. "I did. Didn't I tell you? We got a not guilty verdict."
"That's great," Root muttered, trying to remember if John had actually told her. She couldn't remember anything they'd talked about in the past couple of days. "Are you starting a new case soon? Or taking a break?"
"I might take a break," he answered. He slowed to a stop at a red light. Music floated in from the car, and he flicked his turn signal on. "Mr. Finch wants to take me on a trip. As a celebration gift."
Root frowned, and looked away from him, out the window. It wasn't fair that John got to go away as much as he wanted, and Root was tethered to the office. She knew the nature of their jobs was different, but it still made her feel like she was stuck standing still while the world spun around her. Maybe she would take Sameen abroad when they left New York; it wasn't like Root didn't have the money.
"Where are you going?" Sameen asked from the back seat, her voice as tense as Root felt. "When?"
The light changed and John turned right. The fair appeared in front of them, and he drove slowly toward the field where parked cars were packed like sardines. He led them into the field toward an empty spot.
"I'm not sure." He stopped to let a couple walk in front of him. "We're waiting for… to hear some news."
Sameen snorted in the back seat and Root twisted around to look at her. She smiled at the way Sameen sat slumped, her arms crossed in front of her. Of course, Sameen had dressed down, just a white tank top tucked into jeans. Her collarbones drew Root's attention, sharp across her chest.
Shaking her head to toss hair that wasn't there, Sameen looked up at her with dark eyes. She'd gotten her hair trimmed the day before, and it was a perfect length. The curly mop she'd had before was gone, but it wasn't so short that Root couldn't run her fingers through it.
Sameen stuck her tongue out at Root and Root winked at her, exaggerating the way her cheeks scrunched because she knew Sameen liked it. Sameen just rolled her eyes and Root turned back to the front seat. John put the car in park and Root started taking her seatbelt off.
As soon as she'd released it, letting it slide back into its place, the door opened and Sameen smiled down at her. Reaching a hand up, Root let Sameen help her out of the car. She held Root's hand as she closed the car door, only dropping it when John started around the car toward them.
They started for the entrance, weaving between cars. Root was a little unsteady on the soft grass in her heels, sinking a little bit. If her heels got ruined in mud, she was more than willing to throw them away. One fewer to get rid of later.
They reached the edge of the field and the ground turned to gravel suddenly. Root stumbled as the small rocks shifted under her, and strong arms wrapped around her, hauling her upright. She looked up to see John inches from her face, holding her tightly against him. She remembered an early date of theirs, when she'd still been unsure about the relationship.
She'd been nervous that dating would take her focus away from work, and that she'd lose ground if she spent her free time doing anything other than reading or working. She and John had gone ice skating, and she'd slipped. He'd caught her just like this, and smiled at her just like he was now, and Root had felt safe in his arms.
Now, she felt trapped. Every second she spent being close to him was making her skin itch. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't his job to catch her anymore, that he wasn't allowed to hold her close, that she wanted him to leave. That wasn't true, though. Root liked spending time with him. She wished there was a way to just be friends, and erase the memory of his hands on her.
John let her go, holding her arms until she was steady on her feet again. When she was, he stepped away and walked to the entrance. Root turned to Sameen, not sure what she wanted to say, but needing some comfort. Sameen was staring after John, her face carefully blank.
Root couldn't tell what she was thinking. Was she picturing John's hands on Root for all these years? Had she tried to catch Root, too, and just been too slow? Root put her hand on Sameen's shoulder, and those mysterious eyes turned on her. Sameen blinked and the empty look was replaced by her usual flirting eyes.
"Always the damsel, huh?" Sameen teased, offering her arm. "Come on, I'll help."
Root smiled at her and took her arm, shivering at the feeling of skin on skin. She knew that Sameen was going to drop her arm when they got to John, but Root could enjoy it for now. They walked under the archway that stretched across the entrance and spotted John standing in line for the ticket booth.
Root's smile flagged as she saw Mr. Finch and Grace standing with him. She knew that she had just been thinking that she wanted alone time with Sameen, but it still made her stomach clench thinking that John might have told Mr. Finch to come to the fair with them. It felt like old times, like he was more interested in hanging out with his boss than he was with his girlfriend.
It shouldn't bother her. Now John would go spend the evening with Mr. Finch and Root was free to be with Sameen, but she couldn't stop her old doubts from returning. Was there something about her that just wasn't enough? Why didn't John like her enough to spend an evening with just her? Did he even love her?
Root swallowed, her willingness to spend an evening in a loud, bright place leaving her. She didn't want to follow John around like a dog, but it hurt her to think that he was just going to pawn her off onto Sameen, so he could spend time with Mr. Finch. Root wanted to spend her evening with someone who really wanted to be with her.
"Root?" Sameen grunted, prying Root's vice-like grip from her bicep. "You're hurting me."
Gasping, Root let her go, dropping her hand. "I'm so sorry! I didn't realize that I was squeezing so hard."
Sameen gazed at her with a curious look in her eye. She absent-mindedly rubbed her arm. "Is something wrong?"
"No," Root lied, glancing back to John. "I guess we'll have the night to ourselves after all."
Following Root's eyes, Sameen saw John, Mr. Finch, and Grace as they moved up to the ticket window. Her face dropped into a scowl and she clicked her tongue angrily.
"Whatever," she scoffed. "Let him pay for our date and we'll have a great time without him."
That made Root chuckle, and she felt some of the weight in her chest lightening. "Yeah, it'll be fun. I'm just annoyed, that's all."
"About what?" Sameen asked her, pushing her hands into her pockets. "John being an asshole? Because I'm more than annoyed at him right now."
Root raised an eyebrow, not sure when the two of them got into a fight. "I'm just annoyed that he dragged us all the way out here just to leave us. He used to do this all the time. I guess I forgot. The last six months or so, he's just been gone. Hard to leave someone you don't spend time with."
Sameen's face scrunched in a snarl, her eyes flashing with anger. Her shoulders tensed, boots crunching on the gravel as she shifted. Taking a step back, Root watched Sameen suck in a breath through her nose and reach up to cover her face. After a moment, the tension started to drain from Sameen's shoulders and she dropped her hands, face schooled to neutral.
"Sorry," Sameen muttered through clenched teeth. "I don't like that he treats you like this."
Warmth spread through Root. She'd never had someone get so angry on her behalf before. The way Sameen had vibrated with anger, her knuckles white as she clenched her fists, the way her chest flushed. She'd been ready to fight for Root, to make someone bleed for her.
Root licked her lips and looked around quickly for somewhere to hide. There was a small shed beside the arched entrance with just enough space to squeeze into. Grabbing Sameen's hand, Root headed for it, walking as quickly as she could across the unstable gravel. She almost dove into the small space between the arch and the shed.
Before Sameen could stop her, Root shoved her into the hard wood of the shed and kissed her, pressing their bodies together. Sameen immediately wrapped her arms around Root, holding her close. She was still tense with anger and Root groaned at the image of Sameen's knuckles bloody and bruised.
She ran her hands up Sameen's biceps, over her shoulders, and cupped the back of her neck, holding her in place. Her heart was racing as she bit Sameen's bottom lip, sucking it into her mouth and releasing it with a pop. Sameen's kisses were demanding and hard, and Root melted in her arms.
Pulling away, Sameen stared up at her with wide eyes, her cheeks flushed and lips dark. "What was that for?"
"My protector," Root purred, dipping her head to brush their lips together again. "So angry for me. So strong."
Sameen grinned, pressing a quick kiss to Root's lips. "You want me to beat him up?"
"Maybe," Root sighed, wrapping her arms around Sameen's shoulders. "I like knowing that you would."
"I'd fight anyone for you," Sameen answered. She shifted her hands from Root's back to her hips. "I'd kill any man who hurt you."
"My defender." Root glanced to the side, seeing if anyone had spotted them. They were hidden in the shadows. She watched John searching for them and looked back at Sameen. "I guess we have to join the party again."
Sameen snorted and let Root go, heading out of the shadows and back into the main entrance area. Root trailed along behind her, pulling a compact from her pocket and checking her face in the small mirror. Her lipstick was still intact, only slightly smudged. Joss had lent it to her, and Root made a note to thank her.
Closing the mirror with a snap, Root stuck it back into her pocket. John had spotted them and he walked over, holding up the tickets. Root tried to put a smile on her face, but she was sure it was lacking. John stopped in front of them.
"Harold and Grace are here," John mumbled, holding out two tickets. "Do you mind if I -"
"Go for it," Root interrupted. "Let Sameen do what you brought her here for."
She snatched the tickets from his hand and walked away from him, knowing Sameen would follow. A few feet away the gravel gave way and hard dirt started. It got easier to walk and Root felt a little more grounded. She knew that she should play nice and not give them away, but the night was hot and Root felt a little bit out of control.
Soft thuds behind her told her that Sameen was close by and Root stopped in front of a teenager wearing a hideous white and red striped shirt. He glanced at her face and paled. Nervously reaching out, he took the tickets from her hand and ripped the ends off.
"Have a good night," he mumbled, handing the tickets back.
Root ignored him, walking through the small gate that led into the fair. The sound grew as she walked down the main street, booths and food tents set up around her. In the distance, rides stood tall. Maybe she and Sameen could ride the ferris wheel later.
Sighing, Root stopped walking and turned around. Sameen was meandering toward her, hands in her pockets. She looked unbothered and calm and it made Root feel a little bit better. Stopping in front of her, Sameen looked up at her, eyes sparkling with amusement.
"Are you going to be angry all night?" Sameen asked, smirking. "I'm not complaining. It's pretty hot."
Root laughed, her anger disappearing. "You like that?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "Maybe I'll fight someone tonight."
Something passed through Sameen's eyes, but it didn't last long enough for Root to figure out what it was. Sameen offered her arm. "Let's go find something to do, wild girl."
They walked down the street looking at games and food. It was nice to spend time out in public, doing something fun and carefree. The night passed quickly, eating cotton candy and drinking beer. Sameen had won Root a small stuffed bear, and Root had dragged her into the shadows to kiss her as thanks.
Root felt like a teenager, giddy from holding hands and flirting. She would have died to do something like this as a kid, going on dates like this. Now she could do it as much as she wanted. Even if she and Sameen didn't last forever, Root knew what this felt like now, what being with someone who cared about her felt like. She felt happier than she could ever remember.
Root leaned back against a tree, brushing her fingers through Sameen's hair. They were tucked into the shadows between two tents and Sameen was pressed against her, head turned to watch the people streaming by. It felt easy to be close like this. Pushing away from Root, Sameen put her hands on her hips.
"We should probably find Reese soon," she grumbled. "I don't know how long it's been."
"Let's just go to my place." Root reached down to pick up the stuffed bear, her new prized possession. "We'll go back in the morning and tell him we got lost."
The same look that had been haunting Sameen all night passed through her eyes and she looked away. Shoving her hands into her pockets, she scuffed the ground with the toes of her boot, grinding it into the dirt. Groaning loudly, Sameen dropped her head back.
"Do you want to ride the ferris wheel?" she asked, sounding frustrated.
Root chuckled. "Are you afraid of heights or something? We don't have to."
Glaring, Sameen took Root's hand and led her back out into the light. They started for the ferris wheel, Root keeping an eye on Sameen. Something was up with her tonight. She'd been so angry at John before, although Root could definitely understand that. There was something else, too.
They got in line for the ride and Sameen dropped her hand. Root was glad that they were going to sit for a while on the quietest ride. It would be nice to get some rest after all the walking around. Maybe she could even convince Sameen to make out with her. The cars were enclosed and more private than a tree. They wouldn't get caught.
Stepping forward, the man in charge of the ride opened a door to an empty carriage for them and Root stepped in, Sameen behind her. They settled into their sets across from each other and Root smiled as the man shut the door.
She quickly crossed the small space, ducking as she moved to sit next to Sameen. To her displeasure, Sameen switched to the seat Root had just left. She spread her legs, resting her elbows on her knees as the ride started to move, stuffed bear in her hands. That look returned to her eyes, and Root sat back, tugging off her gloves as she waited for Sameen to speak.
"I have to tell you something," Sameen breathed. "I'm not sure if it's good or bad news for you."
Root's stomach tensed, suddenly nervous. She wasn't sure what sort of news would be both good and bad. Maybe Sameen's job was transferring her to another city? Root would go with her. Maybe Sameen had saved enough to move out of John's house, and was going to move into the city. It would be harder to split her time between Sameen and John, but Root could make it work.
"What is it?"
Sighing, Sameen ran a hand over her hair. "Reese knows about us."
Root's stomach dropped, her pulse loud in her ears. John knew about them. She was trying to think of a moment that night when Sameen could have told him, when they had talked without her there. She took a deep breath, not understanding how or when or what it meant. He knew. He hadn't said anything.
"What?" she gasped, gloves clenched in her fists. "He does? When did you tell him?"
Sameen's shoulders slumped. "I didn't. I mean, I did, but he figured out that something was going on. He could tell that I… He knew."
"But- Because of this weekend? It was his suggestion that you stay with me in his room!" Root shook her head. "Because he already knew? Why wouldn't he tell me?"
"He- We talked about it on Saturday, while you were sleeping." Sameen sat up straight, looking guilty. "I told him that I'd tell you when you were feeling better. I didn't-"
"You could have told me Sunday!" Root stared at her, confused. "I'm not a child, Sameen. I got a bruise; I wasn't dying."
Sameen winced. "There's more. The bad news."
"Wait," Root said, stopping her. "He's known since Saturday, and he's still letting you stay with him. What does that mean? Was he… not upset?"
Root wished she didn't care about the answer. It didn't matter, because it wouldn't affect her after tonight, but she still cared. She didn't want to feel like she'd wasted the last four years of her life on someone who didn't even like her. What if the first person she'd had sex with hadn't even wanted to do it?
She felt a cold tear roll down her face, and she angrily reached up to swipe it away. Looking out the window, she saw them pass the fair worker, as they started their second revolution. She didn't even like John, and she knew that she had never loved him like that, but the thought of losing so much time, trying so hard for nothing, made her heart hurt.
"He…" Sameen stretched across the small space, putting the bear down to take Root's hands and hold them gently. She waited for Root to look back at her, and Root could see that she was struggling with something. Sameen licked her lips. "He's been… He and Mr. Finch are…"
A stone formed in Root's stomach as she understood what Sameen was trying to say. She felt like she was going to vomit, her heart pounding painfully in her chest. Sucking in a breath, Root tried to form words, dizziness making it hard. She tried to tell herself that it didn't matter, that she had Sameen, that John was just a footnote in her life, but it hurt too much right now.
"How long?" she asked, her voice sounding flat. She swallowed. "How long have they been doing it? Was it all a lie?"
That anger filled Sameen's face again, a low growl filling her throat as she bared her teeth. "Six years," she answered.
Root closed her eyes. So, that was it. That was why Mr. Finch had pushed them together, and why John worked such long hours, only took cases with Mr. Finch. Harold. Root couldn't give him her respect anymore. She only had anger for him now.
It almost hurt more that it was Harold, and not just an affair with another woman. Harold had taken Root in as soon as she'd graduated from college. They'd been working together for fifteen years, and she'd made so little an impact that he was fine with letting her live a lie. Root's head hurt, her bruise pulsing.
Did she really matter so little? What was the point of all the years she spent lying to herself, pretending that this was her? Did her job even matter, if the rest of her life was worthless? Root loved computers, loved technology, but there was no work without Harold. Why should she bother even going in on Monday, if she wasn't covering for Harold and John anymore? Would he just fire her now that she wasn't of use to him?
Root looked at Sameen and met worried eyes. She wondered if Sameen even liked her, or if Root was just convenient again. Would she wake up one day to find a note on her pillow saying Sameen had moved on without her? All of this stress just made Root feel like a child again, and she almost laughed.
She'd spent the past few months trying to feel young again, like her true self, and suddenly she did, but it wasn't like she wanted. Root remembered spending her time working, worried that she wouldn't be able to afford rent, her mother's medicine, food. She remembered the fist fights at the bar where she worked, trying to keep herself safe. She remembered sleeping in trees so the rumble of trains would wake her up, and she could steal supplies off unlocked cars.
It had been wild, and stressful, and she remembered why she'd left her hometown. She'd been desperate to leave it all behind, pretend like she didn't have a dying mother, like she wasn't from a dying town. This time, she didn't have a shiny future. There was no college ahead of her, Harold wasn't going to give her another job. It was just her, with nothing to look forward to.
"Root," Sameen said softly, pulling Root back to the present. "We have to get off."
Blinking, Root nodded and took her hands back. She realized the man was holding the door open for her, and she climbed out, hands clutching her skirt. Heading back to the fair's entrance, Root didn't bother listening for Sameen's bootsteps on the ground. She wanted to be home and safe, but she wasn't even sure what that would mean.
"Root!" Sameen called after her. She appeared at her side, eyebrows drawn down. "Are you ok?"
"I'm fine," Root bit. She took a shaking breath, holding herself together. "I'm doing great."
Sameen grabbed her arm, pulling her to a stop and forcing her to turn around. "Talk to me. I know you're upset. Tell me what you're thinking."
Root took her arm away and glared. "What am I supposed to do now?" she asked, angry at herself as tears welled up in her eyes. She looked away, at the couples on dates and families having a good time around them. "I can't go back to John's house. I can't go to work. I can't- " She took a deep breath, covering her face with her hands. "I've known Harold for fifteen years. John for four. I don't have any other friends. What if I get fired? I don't have anything."
"Hey," Sameen said quietly, reaching out to wrap her hands around Root's wrists and pull her arms down. Sameen was watching Root with wide, calm eyes. "You have me."
Root shivered, feeling cold despite the summer air. "But for how long? How long until I don't mean anything to you either?"
Instead of answering, Sameen pulled Root into her arms, wrapping them around Root's waist. Root wanted to pull away, to say that they were in public and someone would see, but she couldn't. She dropped her head onto Sameen's shoulder, crying silently. It felt so nice to be held and supported like this.
Sameen had been so patient with her, and so kind. From the beginning, she'd taken it slow, letting Root decide when to make a move and start something. Sameen had talked to her, gotten to know her. Root finally felt seen. She slid her arms around Sameen's shoulders letting the feel of Sameen's body ground her.
"What do we do now?" Root asked quietly. "I guess I have to talk to him."
"I could still beat him up," Sameen offered.
That made Root chuckle, and she shifted her head, pressing her cheek into Sameen's shoulder. "I can beat him up myself. Can we sleep at my place tonight? After I talk to him, I guess. I don't want to be in that house."
"Of course." Sameen sighed, the sound loud in Root's ear. "There aren't a lot of things that I care about. I try to hold on to what makes it through."
Straightening up, Root wiped her eyes. She was a little embarrassed to be crying in front of Sameen again. Sameen was so cool and so calm, always. Meeting her eyes, she felt a little bit better. They wouldn't have gotten together if she wasn't sure. They didn't exactly hurry into this. They'd chosen it.
Root took Sameen's face in her hands, kissing her softly. Sameen's strong arms kept her close, kept her safe. Root's world narrowed to the places they were touching, everything focused on the way Sameen made her feel warm, and cared for. Even as it seemed like Root could explode into a million pieces, burn up from the inside, she felt solid in Sameen's grip.
Pulling away, Root sucked in air, her body trembling. She blinked down at Sameen, smiling when Sameen smiled up at her. This is what she'd wanted her relationship with John to be all those years ago. She'd wanted someone to support her as she lived her life, someone who understood how important her work was, who would like her as she was, and not force her to be anything else.
"I like you a lot," Root sighed. She let go of Sameen, stepping back and running her hands over her face. Her make-up was probably destroyed, and she was sure she looked gross from all her crying. Sameen was looking up at her like she hung the moon and Root chuckled, lightly pushing her away. "Stop looking at me like that."
"Like what?" Sameen scoffed, rolling her eyes.
"Like you like me."
Sameen stuck her tongue out at Root, glaring half-heartedly. She grinned, putting her hands on her hips and glancing around at the people passing by. Root watched her watch the crowd and knew that she was going to be ok. They were going to be ok. Sameen just kept proving how much she cared about Root, even if she might not be the most affectionate or romantic.
Sameen was always there for her. She made sure that Root was happy, and comfortable. Even if she'd caused the bruise on Root's forehead, she had more than made up for it. She was much better at behaving like a boyfriend than John. John had never won Root a stuffed bear.
Root realized that they didn't have the stuffed bear with them and panicked. She spun around, looking at the ground, but didn't see it. Her heart started racing again and she looked at Sameen, tears welling up in her eyes again.
"What's wrong?" Sameen asked, reaching out to hold Root's shoulders. "Did something just happen?"
"The bear!" Root gasped. "It's gone!"
Sameen's shoulders slumped in relief and she gave Root a wry smile. "Root. I thought you were going to have another panic attack. It's just a bear."
"You won it for me." Root ran her hands through her hair. "No one's ever won something for me, like that."
Squinting at her, Sameen seemed to make a decision. She nodded and took Root's hand, leading her to a nearby booth. They stopped in front of a game and Sameen quickly pulled her wallet out of her back pocket. The teenager running the game opened his mouth to give his spiel, but Sameen cut him off.
"Just give me a ball, twerp."
She shoved a quarter at him and put the wallet away. Root glanced at the pyramid of milk bottles at the other end of the booth, and laughed as Sameen only took one of the three balls the teen offered. At least she knew Sameen had good aim. Moving aside, Root gave her some room to swing her arm.
Sameen glanced at her, rolling her eyes when she saw that Root had moved away. She cocked her arm back and threw it with a grunt. The baseball crashed into the pyramid of milk bottles, cracking one and continuing on to hit the back wall of the booth. It hit with a loud thump, and the teen boy jumped.
He raced across the booth for a small teddy bear, but Sameen jumped after him, reaching in to grab the front of his shirt and pulled him close. Root couldn't hear what she said, but the boy paled even further, nodding frantically. Sameen released him and he jumped up, pulling down an oversized stuffed dog. It was black and brown and practically as big as Sameen was. She took it from him and turned to Root, looking incredibly smug.
"Here you go," Sameen said, handing it over. "Three times as big as the last one."
Root took it, her hands sinking into its soft fur. She wrapped her arms around it, grinning like an idiot. It seemed like a silly thing to be so happy about, but Root knew that this toy was going to be her prized possession for a long time. She leaned down to press a kiss to Sameen's lips.
"Come on," Sameen said, gesturing toward the front of the fair, "let's head out. I think we've had enough excitement for one day."
They fell into step, heading toward the entrance. Root was exhausted. She felt like she could sleep for an entire day, but she knew that the night wasn't over. They still had to ride back in the car and she still had to talk to John. It wouldn't even be over tomorrow. There was work, and Harold.
Squeezing the animal in her arms, Root decided to focus on the positive. She had Sameen. She had her dream job for a little while longer. She had a new prize. She and Sameen were going to live together in her apartment. There was no more pretending. That was good.
"I really like you," Root said quietly. She pressed her cheek into her new friend's face. "I know it's probably obvious, but…" She shrugged. "I just wanted to say it."
"Yeah, I like you, too." Sameen didn't look at her. She shoved her hands into her pockets. "It's not the same, but it's what I have. I like spending time with you."
"That's enough, Sameen."
They got to the entrance and saw John leaning against the shed, his arms crossed. Root took a deep breath and stopped walking. The sadness she had felt turned to anger. How dare he use her? How dare he treat her like she was nothing? She looked at Sameen, frowning.
"Think he'll notice I've been crying?"
Sameen shrugged. "You're a little red, but it's not too bad."
Nodding, Root started walking again. The lights were bright above the entrance to the park. The city had spared no expense. Outside the entrance, the parking lot was dimly lit, not nearly as stark and revealing. Maybe Root could walk past John and keep him from seeing her until they were out of the spotlight, avoid the embarrassment.
It didn't really matter. They were going to talk tonight; the truth was out and there was no hiding it. The hard ground turned back into gravel and Root lost her balance. Sameen caught her easily, holding her up. She took the stuffed dog in one arm, and offered Root her other. Taking it, Root gave her a thankful smile, and they continued on their way to John.
He pushed himself off the shed as they got close, coming toward them. Biting her lip, Root kept herself from saying something. If she got started now, she'd cause a scene in front of everyone. She squeezed her stuffed animal instead, smiling at John as she imagined breaking his nose.
"Ready?" he asked, eyes running over Root's face. He glanced at Shaw and paled slightly.
Sameen's face was carefully blank, her eyes tight. The anger practically radiated off of her. Root smiled, happy to have her close, and turned back to John.
"We're ready."
It didn't take too long to get back in the car, and they started for home. The silence in the car was much tenser than it had been on the ride up, something Root hadn't imagined possible. The stuffed dog was in the backseat with Sameen, and Root wished she had it to hold. Instead, she just clasped her hands together, knuckles white.
Her gloves had gotten left in the ferris wheel, along with the first stuffed bear, but Root couldn't bring herself to care. She'd hated the gloves anyway. Remembering slipping in the mud on the way to the fair, Root glanced down at her shoes. They were dirty, and Root leaned forward to take them off.
Now her stockings would get ruined while she walked into the house. Root hiked up her skirt and unclipped her stockings. She rolled them down easily and stuck them into her soiled shoes. The air-conditioning in the car ran along her bare legs and she shivered.
As exhausted as she was, she felt filled to the brim with anger. The sadness was still there, but Root was so angry with the lies that she couldn't think about anything else. Maybe in a few days, she'd be sad again, thinking about wasted years and lost potential, but right now it all just made her want to hit something.
Staring out the window as they drove out of the city, Root crossed her arms. She wasn't even sure she wanted to talk to John. There was always the option to just tell him to go fuck himself and let Sameen drive her home. Most of Root's things had found their way back to her apartment in the last week anyway. There were probably only a few pieces of clothing left, and Sameen's stuff.
"Are you undressing in the car?" John asked her, staring out the front window into the night. "You never go out without gloves or stockings."
Root rolled her eyes. "Time for a change."
He didn't answer. The Texaco rolled by and Root knew that they were almost home. She wanted to look back at Sameen, but she'd have to look past John. If she saw him right now, she wasn't sure she could stop herself from hitting him. Instead, she just looked down at her bare knees sticking out from under her skirt.
It had been a long time since she'd been this angry. Root wanted to destroy something, tear something to pieces, scream until she lost her voice. There wasn't much to do, though, and her anger just turned over inside of her, burning a hole in her chest. She couldn't think past the feeling.
The car turned onto their street, and Root picked up her shoes. She was tempted to just throw them out the window, but the silk stockings had been expensive. Besides, just because she wasn't going to wear them out in the world anymore, didn't mean she couldn't wear them just for Sameen. It would be a shame to get rid of all of her feminine things and lose the pleasure of having Sameen unwrap her.
John pulled into the driveway and Root opened her door. She climbed out of the car before Sameen could get to her, the asphalt of the driveway scratching at her bare feet. It was painful, but Root liked feeling grounded. She slammed her door shut.
The sound of John's shoes crunching along the ground irritated Root and she clenched her jaw, turning her back on him. The noise disappeared and she knew he was crossing the lawn to get to the front door. Sameen closed her own door and looked at Root.
"Are you going inside?" she asked quietly, the dog tucked under her arm. "I can just pack a bag and meet you out here."
"I need to talk to him," Root sighed. "Although, I don't think I have anything nice to say."
Sameen snorted. "Fuck him. He doesn't deserve anything nice."
"Thanks." Root shrugged, crossing her arms. "I guess...I'll talk to him, and you can pack a bag. Don't-" Wincing, Root glanced over her shoulder and saw that John had gone inside. She stepped forward and put her hands on Sameen's shoulders. "Don't feel like you have to come with me. I can take the bus. You don't have to hate him on my account."
"Root. I'm not leaving you alone tonight. It's not about him. It's about you."
Root grinned like an idiot, her head dropping to the side. How had she convinced Sameen to care about her? She felt like the luckiest woman on the planet, even if the rest of her circumstances were awful. Looking at Sameen's annoyed look, she considered avoiding the talk with John after all. Why ruin this moment?
She knew she had to get it over with, though. This would be the last time she'd be in this house. She knew she'd never come back. If they had left anything of hers, Sameen could go and get it. Root was washing her hands of the whole thing. Maybe she'd convince Joss to let her come to their make-up softball game, and she could tell the homeowner's association what she really thought of them.
Turning, Root looked at the front door to John's house. She flashed Sameen a nervous smile and started across the grass. It was cold and wet beneath her bare feet, and Root knew she'd miss having so much green around. She would just make Sameen come to the park with her. They could jog together, or picnic, and wouldn't they see so much green soon when they left the city?
She reached the front porch, and climbed the two steps up to the door. It was cracked, and she just pushed it open and stepped inside. Leaning down to put her shoes on the floor, she hesitated, straightening up. She wasn't staying here. She put them on the small side table instead.
Walking into the living room, her feet touched the soft carpet and she felt unsteady. This house had been her home for so long, and she hated that she was going to miss it. She lost her virginity in this house. She watched tv here for four years, did laundry, cooked, and cleaned.
Remembering that brought her anger back. This house had been a home to her, and she thought she would get married and live here forever. Her guard had never been up in this house. She'd been happy here. This was where she'd met Sameen. When she left this house, they'd never be able to revisit it. She stared across the living room, out the back windows at the pool.
It hadn't been all positive. She'd spent four years wondering what was wrong with her, wondering why John wasn't spending time with her, why he came home so late some nights. How many times had she lain in bed, listening through the door as John and Harold talked at the dinner table? How many times had she run home from work to cook dinner, only for John not to show up?
She used to stand in the bathroom, looking her best, and wondering if she wasn't pretty enough, or good enough for him. She'd constantly compare herself to Grace and wonder why it was so hard to be like her. What was wrong with Root that she couldn't be like that? Like all the women around them? All that worry for a man who had never cared about her.
Root looked around and saw John standing on the other side of the couch. He was looking at her with sad eyes, and it reminded her of how much time she'd given him. She crossed the room to him, and slapped him with all her strength. It was satisfying to watch him blink, stepping backwards. She might not be very strong, but red still bloomed on his cheek and he brought a hand up to rub it.
"How dare you?" Root hissed, her hands clenching into fists. "Four years! You kept this from me for all four years!" She jumped forward, punching her fist into his chest. He stumbled back and she did it again. "How could you lie to me? Did I mean anything to you? Ever?"
He put his hands up, moving aside and out of her reach. "I'm so sorry, Root. I didn't think it would last this long."
"I thought you loved me," she said through clenched teeth. "I gave you… I tried so hard to be enough for you, but it was never going to happen. You couldn't do me the courtesy of telling me the truth? I would have covered for you! I would have been happy to keep up appearances while I lived my own life."
Wincing, John shrugged. "I didn't know that."
"You didn't think to ask." Her head spun, bruise pulsing. "Was there ever a time when you cared about me? Or did I really waste so much time with someone who wasn't worth it?"
"I care about you," he sighed. "I really like you as a person, just not as a… Not that way."
"I thought you were going to propose to me soon."
He nodded, his face tired. "I was. I was thinking about it. I think I would have told you before we got married."
Root crossed her arms. She hated how much she wanted to forgive him. It was hard to hate someone you'd spent so much time with. Her head was pounding, the bruise, the loud fair, the upset getting to her. She squeezed her hands into fists again, the tensing helping her focus.
"I don't know what to say," she told him, closing her eyes. "I don't think I'm ever going to want to see you again."
"I hope that isn't true." He sighed. "I hope that you and Sameen have a wonderful life, and I hope you can forgive me eventually."
Root shrugged her shoulders up, feeling overwhelmed and angry and exhausted. She realized that this was a break-up. It wasn't just a fight or a confrontation. When she walked out of this house, there was no going back. It would be her and Sameen against the world.
Root thought back to three months ago when she'd started thinking about Sameen as more than friends. It had felt so right to be around her, the opposite of what life with John had felt like. Life with John had been so hard, but it had been safe. This was the end of that safety, and now Root was hurtling forward, toward happiness or disaster.
She didn't want to be in this house anymore. She didn't want to be standing in front of a man she had never loved, who had never loved her back. It made her nervous to full jump into wildness, even as she could feel her heart pumping with excitement. Her first choice had been to be with Sameen, and now her second choice was here. The time for caution was over.
Root opened her eyes and looked at John. He was just a man, not so different from herself. He loved someone he wasn't supposed to, just like her, but he had chosen to hide. Root had been hiding, too, but now she was choosing to live fully, as her true self, and she realized that there had never been another option for her.
"I guess I should say I'm sorry, even if I'm not." Root shrugged. "For cheating on you, too."
"It's ok," he responded, smiling sadly. "I think I wanted it to happen. I want you to be happy."
"Goodbye, John," she breathed. "Good luck."
Turning away, Root crossed the living room and picked up her shoes and stockings. She walked out of the house, and took a deep breath, feeling like she had suddenly lost a burden. It was over. This life of pretending was over.
Laughter bubbled up in her throat and she let it spill out. Dropping her shoes and sitting down on the top step of John's porch, Root let herself laugh. She hid her face into her hands, letting the sound of her freedom drift into the quiet night. She started crying again, but she didn't care. She felt so light she could float away.
A throat cleared in front of her and Root looked up. Sameen was squatting on the step in front of her, a small smile on her face. She raised an eyebrow, looking amused at Root's outburst. She rested her forearms on Root's knees.
"Laughing and crying," she said softly. "You're going to have to tell me what that means. I've got nothing."
Root grinned at her, wiping her cheeks. "It means you should take me home," she answered. "It means you should congratulate me on being single."
Sameen raised an eyebrow, standing. "I mean, you're not single. You're just not… double."
"So, you're my girlfriend?" Root asked, taking Sameen's hand and standing up. "Am I your girlfriend?"
Leaning down to pick up Root's shoes, Sameen took a moment to answer. She started down the walkway. After a few steps, she turned around to walk backwards.
"I am. You are."
Root leapt forward, wrapping her arms around Sameen's shoulders. "Does that mean I can kiss you in public? They'll just go to John, and he'll have to talk to them. Let him deal with it."
Smirking, Sameen stopped and pushed up on her toes, kissing Root gently. She put one hand on Root's hip, the other still holding her shoes. Root felt light-headed and she wasn't sure if it was from the ups and downs of the night, or just from Sameen. Either way, she knew that the warmth that filled her now wasn't from anger.
She was free to be with Sameen now, fully. No more hiding, or lying, or sneaking around. They would live together, only do what they wanted to and go where they wanted to go. Root opened her mouth to deepen the kiss, but Sameen pulled away.
"Let's go home," she suggested. "I think we should celebrate."
Root nodded and moved around Sameen to the bike. While Root had been distracted by John, Sameen had packed her things into a duffel bag and strapped it to the bike, the stuffed dog secured on top. The seat where Root usually was had been half-covered and she turned to grin at Sameen.
"We'll have to sit close," she murmured, holding a hand out for her shoes. "I hope you can handle it."
Rolling her eyes, Sameen handed the shoes over. "Just because you punched someone, you think you're so hot."
Root just laughed again. She pulled her stockings out of her shoes and then tossed the shoes onto John's lawn. They were worthless now and he can deal with them. They got dirty because he wanted to go to a fair. She stepped toward Sameen and tucked her stockings into Sameen's front pocket.
"You'll have to carry me inside," Root joked. "I can't walk around New York barefoot."
Sameen winked at her and climbed onto the bike. She started the engine as Root climbed on behind her. Her skirt hiked up, baring her legs to mid-thigh, but Root didn't care. She would have left the dress on John's lawn, too. Putting her feet on the footrests, she wrapped herself around Sameen, pressing as close as she could. Sameen kicked down thruster and they sped down the street.