Chapter 20

They wandered up and outside and I watched Snape's head hit softly against the top of the wall. With all this behind me, I could think for a moment about how much I really hated the little prat. Maybe it would bump some sense into him. At the very least it would leave him with a nasty headache. It was the least he deserved.

"You know what this means?" I turned to Harry suddenly, feeling antsy. "Turning Pettigrew in?"

"You're free."

"Yes…" I said, trying to summon the courage to say this to Harry. "But I'm also, I don't know if anyone ever told you- I'm your Godfather."

"Yeah- I knew that."

He did? A flicker of a smile brushed my lips before my nerves drew it away again.

"Well... your parents appointed me your guardian if anything happened to them," I continued, trying for a steady voice. "I'll understand, of course, if you want to stay with your Aunt and Uncle, but... well… think about it. Once my name's cleared… if you wanted a… a different home…"

"What- live with you?" Harry burst out. "Leave the Dursleys?"

My heart sunk, I had been foolish to ask, I knew. It just… I had to try, to at least put it out there. I kept as neutral a face as I could, I wouldn't guilt the poor boy. They were of course his family, too.

"Of course, I thought you wouldn't want to," I backpedaled. "I understand I just thought I'd…"

"Are you insane?" Harry shocked me. "Of course I want to leave the Dursleys! Have you got a house? When can I move in?

I stopped dead, to turn and look at him.

"You want to?" I asked, my heart bursting in a way it hadn't since that night. "You mean it?"

"Yeah, I mean it!"

A giant grin fell onto my face, the muscles so long unused that it hurt. He… he really wanted to? Suddenly I, Sirius Black felt hope for the first time. Real hope, a dream for the future… a future at all. I'd never let myself go so far, so obsessed with destroying Peter.

We'd reached the end of the corridor and I shifted Snape through the hole, not very gracefully, I was a bit rusty. The feel of a wand in my hand felt foreign, even.

The grounds, the air itself seemed clearer now. I felt free… actually free for the first time to. I kept glancing at Harry, sneaking looks at the small smile on my Godson's face. None of this even seemed real, except that I didn't have good dreams anymore. So it must be real.

The castle was growing large in front of them, they were nearly there, the group was suddenly bathed in moonlight. I went stiff and flung my arm out, to stop Harry and his friend from coming any closer.

No!

I didn't need to speak to know. From the way Remus' shoulders shuddered, to the way his limbs turned towards the orb. He was drawn to it as he stood up. As many times as I'd seen Peter transform… so had I Remus. Just like that… it was all over.

"Run," I whispered, finding my voice. "Run now."

Harry leapt forward but I caught him around the chest and flung him back. Harry was worried about his friend, but I wouldn't let Harry put himself in danger.

"Leave it to me- RUN!"

I quickly took my other form, bounding into action as Remus finished his transformation. The snarl from Remus made it clear his mind was gone. I wrapped my jaw around his throat, to get the most leverage out of my move. Werewolves were hard to distract and I had to put my friend out of the way of the boy.

They fought, worse than they ever had. Remus must have had this beast pent up for a long time. I wasn't worried about hurting him, my only focus was on getting enough out of the werewolf to keep him away from Harry and the other children. Claws, snarls, and some pain later it worked.

I dropped to the ground in exhaustion as Remus fled. There… they were safe now. I could feel my flank had taken some damage.

"Sirius he's gone, Pettigrew transformed!

The words rang in my ears. Thankfully I couldn't feel the full impact of the words in this state. I knew what I had to do, though. I couldn't lose it all now! I leapt up, ignoring the open wounds tugging at my hind leg when I moved.

I ran across the grounds, desperately trying to smell Peter's trail. I couldn't lose him now… not after all this… not after being so close to actual happiness. I'd traced him down to the lake. Peter was so small and it was hard injured as I was but I'd gotten a track on him. If I could just find him again…. I should have never listened to Harry. Dead was better than this, even if it would have destroyed the chance of a future. Now they lost it all!

I paused in my tracking, a sickly cold freezing down around me...

No.

No. Merlin... no. I knew this feeling, no! I started to yelp, as the Dementors loomed around me. They circled and it was clear that I was already trapped. I was feeling weak from my injuries and their aura pushed down on me in a way that was worse than my memories of it.

I could hear the rain as we wearily dragged ourselves home. It'd been a long night of failure and the war had hit dangerously close to home for us. I glanced hesitantly at James as he almost dragged his feet to the front door. We both knew this was our last week of doing this. Hiding, inaction, was going to be the hardest act of bravery for James.

I almost didn't have the heart to pester him, but he wasn't going to bring it up himself apparently. We were running out of time. I leaned against the railing outside as we got under the roof and out of the wet weather.

"Have you thought about it again?"

"I don't need to. I want you to do it," James said in a tired voice.

"James, this is the best option."

"I don't know Sirius. I get the idea but at the end of the day, I trust you."

"And everyone knows that."

"Because it's true." James said, setting a hand on his waist as he rubbed at his temple behind his glasses. "I know Lily and Harry are safe with you."

"If you trust me," I pointed out. "Then trust my plan."

I set my hand on the railing, watching James think. I could see in his face, it was the first time James actually considered it. It was a good plan, we needed to outsmart this enemy and not rely on conventional methods. Voldemort had proved time and again, that he was fit to outsmart those methods. Look at the McKinnons. I couldn't let the Potters be next. Not my family. He had a mole near us, so we'd play to that strength to trick him in the wrong direction. Away from Harry.

"I'll… I'll talk to Lily about it, but I don't like it, Padfoot."

"We'll think everything through," I promised, but I could tell for the first time James was thinking about it as a possibility.

My body gave out, as the moment I ended it all came back loudly in my ears and seared into my sight. I transformed back into a man as their hold on me became too much. My power was drained. They swooped up and away for a brief moment, but still I was struggling to stay up on all fours, panting as they fell back to devour me. To pull the rest of the darkest moments of my life back on me.

My wand dropped from my limp hand as the light touched James' face.

"No!" I screamed out in torment, falling down onto the gravel. "James... James…" I begged, crawling forward through the debris to James' shoulders and placing my hands on either side.

No, no, no…. NO! "James you can't be dead," I begged my brother, grasping his shoulders and shaking him hard. "You can't die," I howled, looking down at his bruising face when he still didn't move. Why wouldn't he just get the bloody hell up? Why couldn't I save him?

My wand was half lodged in rubble somewhere but the glow from it was still disrupting the shadows.

His glasses were gone, but even with partial light I could see James' eyes. It was then I realized he was really gone. His brown eyes were staring off in the distance, and life had faded from them long ago. It hit me so hard I stopped breathing for a moment, before I began to gasp for breath.

No… I couldn't! Not now… not again. Please make it stop. I couldn't do this again.

I found her there and my sobs got harder as I saw her slumped on her side, over part of the baby's bedrail. She'd been here, trying to get to Harry? Did she save their baby? I wouldn't put it bloody past her. She was brilliant. ...Was. I crouched down, hanging my head. Her eyes were already closed, Hagrid maybe… and I reached out to her tiny wrist to check her pulse.

There was none.

"Lily," I gasped through the thickness in my throat. Now it was all real. There was no doubt left to be had. "Oh I'm so sorry Lily," I moaned, grabbing her hands. Oh… they were cold…. I grasped them tightly in mine.

I carried her cold body back to James'.

"Why didn't I listen to you James?" I clutched my face harder, until my fingers dug too hard into my eyes and I started seeing spots around the tears. Why hadn't I BLOODY LISTENED? It could be me dead instead of them, I would have never… never told a soul, never let this happen. They could be having dinner instead… no, nooo, nooo…

"Nooo, nooo…" I cried, as James and Lily's face's started to torment me again. Lying still together with no life left in them. As all my pains started to come back, as fresh and raw as the moment they happened. Worse. In hindsight.

"... please…" I begged as another wave finished. My words were useless to the monsters tearing away at me again. My body shuddered violently, as it all became too much. I lost consciousness to the visions of James' death being pulled over my mind.