I don't own PJO/HOO. Warnings for discussion of abuse and panic attacks.
When Frank dropped Leo off after the campfire sing-along, Percy could tell right away that something was up. He wasn't sure what, exactly, but something was definitely... different. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
He made eye contact with Frank, raising his eyebrows in question, but Frank just shrugged back. Clearly, he was just as confused as Percy was.
"Hey dude," he said as Frank left, sending Leo an easy smile. "What's up?"
Leo shrugged, his face unusually blank. "It's... been a day."
He walked over to his bed, sitting down on the edge and staring down at his handcuffed hands. That... probably wasn't a good sign.
"What's going on?" Percy asked cautiously, settling himself down next to Leo.
After a few moments, Leo answered. "I talked with Will again today."
Percy's eyebrows shot up. "Oh. And, was it... okay?"
Leo sighed. "I'd rather not talk about it."
"It wasn't like, bad, though, was it?" Percy asked nervously.
Leo shrugged noncommittally. "No. Well, maybe. Well, we'll find out."
Percy frowned. That didn't seem all that great, but he wasn't sure what to do about it.
"Leo-"
"What about you?"
Percy blinked. "What?"
Leo glanced at him, briefly making eye contact before looking away. "I've already talked to someone twice. I'm going to be pretty upset if you haven't held up your end of the deal." He tried to laugh lightly, perhaps in a joking manner, but his attempt fizzled out practically as soon as it began.
"Oh! Right. I... uh, yeah, I talked to my mom."
"And?" Leo asked, sounding genuinely curious.
"It was..." Percy smiled, but it was bittersweet. "It was good."
Percy thought back to the conversation he had had with his mom. It had certainly been... enlightening.
He remembered how her face had crumpled when he had finally forced the words out. How she had grabbed him and held on tight as they both sunk to the floor, crying. How she had choked out loud apologies and quiet assurances that she understood.
He felt a flash of anger at that. He never should've assumed that he was the only one being hurt. He should've known. They could've fixed it, together. But instead they had both suffered in silence for years, too afraid to save themselves.
But then he remembered the determination on his mom's face when they had cried themselves out. He knew then that they would be okay. Now that things were out in the open, they could get through it. His mom admitted that she had already been attending therapy to deal with her abuse, and promised to sign Percy up for sessions of his own as soon as possible.
Percy smiled fondly at the memory. His mom was so strong. He already knew that she would be able to overcome her past.
He was a little less sure about himself, but he knew his mom would be there to support him, as well as Annabeth. And hey, probably Leo too. Maybe the others if he ever worked up the courage to talk about it.
It was funny. He had faced all kinds of monsters. Kronos, Gaea, the embodiment of Tartarus, for gods' sake, but none of those showed up as consistently in his dreams as good old Smelly Gabe. It wasn't that those things didn't scare him, because gods did they scare him. But Gabe... he was the first one to make Percy feel like he was nothing. And that wasn't something that would just go away.
Gabe was just a bit more... personal than all the rest.
Even though Gabe wasn't physically in his life anymore, he affected everything Percy did. Percy hated it, but it was true. The smallest of mistakes on his part would feel like confirmations of careless insults Gabe had thrown at him time and time again. He had to work to overcome instinctively hiding his injuries from his friends, even those that were potentially severe and needed immediate attention. He just wasn't used to getting help with that kind of thing.
And every time someone put him down, his already minimal self-worth crumbled just a little bit more.
But hey, things were getting better! He may have only had Annabeth by his side up until now, but Annabeth was a force to be reckoned with. She helped in more ways than he could name, and now that he was actually opening up a bit more, he knew that things would continue to look up. It made him... happy. And nobody, not even Gabe, could take that away from him.
"Uh... Percy?"
Percy snapped to attention, giving the confused Leo a sheepish smile. "Sorry, got lost in thought. What were we talking about?"
"Talking to your mom?"
Percy brightened. "Oh yeah! It was good! It was really hard to talk about, for... for both of us." He hesitated, not wanting to worry Leo too much, considering his own multitude of issues. But ultimately he wanted to show that he trusted his friend. "I... I wasn't the only one he hurt, as it turns out."
Leo paled at his words. "Oh... Percy, I- I'm so sorry-"
"It's okay," Percy cut him off. "Or... it will be. We'll both be okay."
Leo bit his lip, but nodded. "I'm... really glad to hear that."
"Yeah," Percy hummed in response. He tugged absently at the blanket on the bed for a few moments, before deciding that their conversation had probably stalled out for the night. "Well, I guess I'll go get ready," he said, moving to stand.
"Percy, wait."
Percy paused, glancing over at Leo. As soon as their eyes met Leo quickly turned his head away. He mumbled something, too quiet for Percy to hear.
"What?"
Leo tensed slightly. "I said... I said..." He took a deep breath before blurting out, "I told Will that I would try to live."
Leo's body slumped at the words; the admission seemed to take something out of him. Percy, though, was ecstatic.
"I... wait, really? Leo, that's great news!"
"I'm glad one of us thinks so," Leo muttered. Percy examined his friend closely. This could explain his unusual behavior from earlier. He had agreed to live, or well, at the very least, try to live, which was a pretty big reversal for him. He had to be feeling anxious, or maybe even guilty, about his decision.
"Hey," he said softly. "I mean it. This is a good thing. You're doing the right thing."
Leo shrugged. "Yeah. Maybe. I... I wish I could actually believe that. I wish I didn't feel so bad about wanting to be happy. But... that's just not how it works for me. It's not going to let go of me that easily."
Percy frowned. "What isn't?"
Leo started at the question, glancing over at Percy nervously. "Oh. Um... Nothing. Forget about it.
"The point is," he continued before Percy could press him further, "just because I made some agreement doesn't mean that everything's okay now. And one thing's for sure." He stared forlornly down at his lap.
"It's going to get worse before it gets better. If it gets better," he added, seemingly as an afterthought.
Percy felt the unmistakable feeling of dread crawl up into his throat. Worse? How could things possibly get worse?
But then he saw Leo's face. Even if he kept his face blank, as it had been when he had first entered the cabin, he couldn't hide the pain in his eyes. He was holding back his anxiety and his fear about this decision to actually live, but it wouldn't last. Percy had a sinking feeling that Leo was right.
Things were going to get worse.
They just had to make sure that Leo made it to the better part.
Annabeth was in a great mood.
She had woken up less tired than normal, having not been awakened by nightmares once the night before, a highly unusual occurrence. She hoped Percy had had similar luck, because even if he hadn't, he wouldn't have woken her up for his own benefit unless things were really bad. He was just too considerate for that.
She honestly doubted that her boyfriend had been that fortunate, though.
But when she met him before breakfast, an apology on the tip of her tongue, he was smiling. He seemed... fine. Not at all as though he had barely slept.
"What's going on?" she asked cautiously. "I didn't wake up last night, which was why I didn't come over, but why are you-"
She was cut off by Percy's lighthearted, and unfairly adorable, laugh. "Oh man, I didn't even think about that! Good thing, though, because neither did I."
Annabeth's eyebrows shot up in surprise. Neither of them had been tormented the night before? Now that was strange.
"And guess what?" he grinned. "I have great news."
And the news really had been great. Now Annabeth felt like she was walking on air. A part of her wondered if things were finally looking up for them. After years of bad luck and misfortune, things had to turn around sometime, right? Good things could happen. She could get a full night's sleep. All of her friends could want to live. Simple pleasures like that.
She wasn't sure what exactly it was about Leo's change of heart that put her in such great spirits. She had to admit that they hadn't been best friends before all of this. It's not like the two of them had ever just like, hung out or anything.
But Leo was just... so bright. He was a ball of energy and laughter, or so she had thought. When he had broken down, her world had come screeching to a sudden stop. Suddenly, things hadn't made sense. And there was nothing Annabeth hated more than things not making sense.
But now, things had clicked back into place. Leo wanted to live. Things would be okay. As soon as Percy had told her, she had lit up with excitement. She had abandoned him, running off to spread the news, ignoring Percy's calls of wait! She had told everyone to meet her in the Big House for a group meeting after breakfast before settling down at her own table and eating as fast as she could.
Now she was pacing in the meeting room, waiting for the rest of her friends. When Leo slouched in with Hazel, Annabeth presented him with a chair at the front of the room. She gave him a big smile, helping unfasten his handcuffs completely, despite his gentle protests.
Finally, all of her friends had gathered. She scanned their faces quickly, noting the range of emotions on their faces, from mild worry to obvious confusion to tentative hope.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Percy stepping toward her, a look of concern on his face. "Annabeth," he whispered. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
"In a minute, Percy," she hushed. "All right, everyone!" she said brightly. "Some of you look a bit confused, but I meant what I told you before: Leo has decided that he wants to live."
There were a few gasps from the crowd. Hazel looked like she was about to cry. Jason had a small smile on his face, one that was growing wider with each passing second.
But Annabeth was surprised by some of the other reactions. Will seemed nervous, and wait, did he actually flinch at her words? (And where had he gotten that black eye from, anyway?) Nico looked downright suspicious, and Frank... well, he still seemed confused.
As for Piper... her eyes were narrowed, darting back and forth between Annabeth and something behind her. Annabeth glanced back to where Leo was sitting, and even she had to admit that he wasn't looking great. He was hunched over on himself, rubbing at his newly-freed wrists. Annabeth brushed it off as nerves, though, and continued her speech.
"Obviously, this is great news. And personally, I think that we should honor Leo's attempts to improve by showing that we trust him more. Thus, it is time for a new game plan!"
She smiled. She loved making plans.
"Now that Leo has agreed not to try to... end his life, I think we can get rid of the handcuffs. We probably still shouldn't leave him alone, at least for now, but maybe in time that can change. Maybe things can finally go back to normal-"
"Annabeth, stop!" She turned sharply, prepared to snap at her boyfriend for interrupting.
"Percy, what is it-?"
But then she saw Leo, and her heart sank.
He was shaking. Actually shaking. She wasn't sure what exactly she had done wrong, but it was obvious that Leo was having a panic attack.
Annabeth's good mood crashed. She must have misunderstood something. She had heard, "Leo agreed to try to live," and immediately took it to mean, "Everything is okay now." And that clearly wasn't true. She had... oversimplified things, and now Leo was paying for it.
For a moment, she stood still as her friends rushed past her, each trying their best to calm Leo down. She was tempted to sink back, and avoid making an even bigger mess. But it was her fault. She wasn't sure how, exactly, but she knew that she had caused this.
And she was determined to fix it.
She pushed through the crowd, kneeling in front of Leo. "Get back!" she ordered. "Everyone give him some space!"
She grabbed Leo's face with her hands, forcing him to look at her. "Look at me, Leo," she coaxed. His eyes flicked around, wide with panic as he struggled to breathe, but eventually they settled on her.
"That's good," she said gently. "Now I need you to breathe with me. Follow my lead, okay?"
She breathed slowly and evenly, softly encouraging Leo as he attempted to match her. Her heart clenched as he stuttered on breaths, even the act of breathing becoming a difficult chore.
Annabeth hated it. She had never suffered from panic attacks before. Bouts of fear, sure, but never something like this. And she was grateful for that. You couldn't fight panic attacks with logic. And that seemed like the worst kind of enemy to her.
She thought back to the giant she and Piper had fought, the one that had forced them to feel, not think. She had hated that, too. But it had taught her something important. Sometimes, you couldn't count on your brain to get you out of a situation.
As Leo's breathing slowly began to even out, Annabeth felt a swell of admiration. He undoubtedly had been dealing with this for a long time. Fighting something like that time and time again... she wasn't sure she would've been strong enough.
Suddenly, Leo's gaze intensified as he broke out of his panicked state and realized where he was. "Y-you can't trust me," he stuttered out breathlessly. "You can't. Please." Desperation leaked from his voice, and his breathing picked up again, but Annabeth quickly reassured him.
"Okay," she promised. "I'm sorry. I got ahead of myself. We'll do it your way."
"I mean it," Leo gasped. She wasn't sure if he had even heard her. "If you trust me now, I'll be dead by the end of the day," he said, squeezing his eyes shut as he grew overwhelmed. "Help me, please help me."
His hands snaked his way up to his head, grabbing on and pulling sharply at his hair. He seemed disconnected, shut off from the world as he continued to mumble please ceaselessly.
Annabeth stared at him in shock. What should she do? What could she do? There had to be something, some plan to fix this-
She cursed herself internally. Plans were what had gotten them here in the first place. Time to throw all her plans out the window.
Acting on instinct, she leaned forward, grabbing Leo in a tight hug. After a moment, she felt his arms circle around her as he clung to her desperately.
In that moment, she didn't have a plan. She just let herself feel. And even though she was crushed by all the disappointment and sadness, she knew that was okay. That was normal. Not some easy fix, not returning to what they had had before. But accepting the bad things, and being able to move past them.
After a few minutes, Leo calmed down enough to extract himself from Annabeth's hold. His eyes flicked nervously up and behind her.
Annabeth looked back to see the rest of their friends, most of whom were staring. Many averted their gazes at the sudden eye contact, looking awkward and embarrassed.
Annabeth wanted to say that she felt embarrassed, too. But it was more than that. She was ashamed.
"I'm sorry, everyone," she said softly, fixing her gaze on the floor to avoid the eyes of her friends. "I was wrong. We'll... keep things as they are. Sound good?"
She glanced up just long enough to see a few nods of affirmation, accompanied by mumbles of agreement. The group began to slowly split up, a feeling of heaviness washing over them.
Annabeth turned back to Leo, who was eying her warily. "I'm sorry," he rasped.
"You have nothing to apologize for," she gently scolded. "It's my fault."
Leo just shrugged and wrapped his arms tightly around himself, effectively ending the conversation.
Annabeth turned away. She knew when she wasn't wanted.
She immediately noticed Percy waiting for her. He was giving her the saddest, most understanding look, and she had to look away. It hurt to see.
As they walked out together, Annabeth glanced behind her. She had been quickly replaced. Piper was kneeling next to Leo, holding his hand and humming softly. Jason was sitting on the floor nearby, staring at the ceiling hopelessly. Hazel flitted around Leo, seeming unsure as to what she should actually do, but determined to stay. Frank stood a safe distance away, shifting his weight from foot to foot, an unreadable expression on his face. Will and Nico had already slipped out quietly.
And Leo just stared down at his lap, his shoulders stiff with a tension that refused to fade away.
As soon as they were out of earshot, Annabeth collapsed into Percy. "I messed up," she cried. "I messed up so bad."
Percy wrapped his arms around her. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I tried to warn you."
That just made Annabeth feel worse. Of course he had. And she had just ignored him- why? Did she really think that she knew better?
She realized distantly that maybe she did.
She couldn't stop the hot, frustrated tears that welled up in her eyes. "I'm so stupid!"
"Hey." Percy grabbed her chin, pulling her face up to look at him. "We'll be having none of that. You just made a mistake. That's not enough to demote you from being Camp Half-Blood's resident Wise Girl."
"But I hurt him," she hissed. "What happened back there was my fault!"
"And then you helped fix it," Percy countered. "Besides, we learned something we might not have known otherwise."
Annabeth blinked in surprise. "What?"
Percy smiled sadly, a faraway look in his eyes. "We learned that we can't trust him. Not yet."
Annabeth swallowed hard. "I... yeah. I guess we did."
Okay, so maybe things weren't all perfect just yet. She had a feeling that her dreamless sleep the night before had been a fluke, and well... saying that all of her friends wanted to live was maybe a bit of a stretch. And if she was being honest, she was a bit mad about it.
But she should've known. Things had never been easy before, so why start now? But they'd always managed before, and they could do it again.
She had to believe that they could, anyway.
Because Leo depended on it.