Chapter 27 – Decisions

It was exactly one week before graduation and Draco was in Hermione's gorgeous tower room, looking out the window. His knees were pulled up and he was resting his head on them as he looked down on the grounds. It seemed like most of the students were outside enjoying the sunny day. He saw Blaise, Astoria, and Jones flying around the Quidditch pitch, but most of his attention was focused on Hermione who was with Potter, she-Weasley, and the Weasel lounging under a tree.

They looked happy. She-Weasley was laying her head in Potter's lap while Hermione and the Weasel sat across from them. They didn't look like they were touching, but he couldn't be sure from this distance. He hoped not.

Draco wondered how he'd fit in this scene, if Hermione did pick him. He couldn't picture it. He was sure Weasley and Potter would not be smiling like they were now. Maybe she-Weasley would try to make him feel welcome, she'd seemed to be warming up to him in the past few weeks. They both had a good appreciation for sarcasm and well-timed jokes.

Draco sighed and his mind drifted back to his healer appointment from that morning. He wished he could use Occlumency now to block it out but didn't dare risk it.

His healer had started the appointment by asking innocently, "Are you looking forward to graduation, Draco?"

He'd responded honestly, "No," Then went on to explain that it was a sort of deadline between him and Hermione. He'd told his healer he had a girlfriend in earlier appointments (never mentioning her name) but this time he explained the complication with the Weasel and how she'd planned to make her decision about who she wanted to be with once the school term was over.

"And what if she doesn't pick you?" his healer had asked.

"I don't think she will," Draco admitted, "she's too smart for that. And I'm scared of what will happen to me when she leaves me; I need her."

His healer looked alarmed then, and Draco was alarmed in turn, since his healer was usually calm, keeping a straight face through Draco's recounting of some of his worst memories from the war. "You need her? How so?"

Draco tried to explain then, the complicated feelings he had for Hermione. How he craved her when she'd been away from him for too long, how she'd helped him through his break-down by taking on the burden of his memories, then forgiven him for what she saw. And finally, how knowing she loved him was sometimes the only thing that got Draco through the day.

His healer had scribbled in his notebook then, and after a few moments had looked back and said in a serious tone, "You just described codependency, Draco. It's a condition where one person is overly reliant on the other and can be like a poison for most relationships, especially romantic ones."

His healer had paused then and stared calmly back at Draco, studying his reaction. Draco kept his face as blank as possible, but his heart was beating fast. "How does that statement make you feel, Draco?"

Draco had grown angry then and told the healer he had no idea what he was talking about, he didn't understand his relationship with his girlfriend, they just loved each other very much.

"I'm not suggesting you end your relationship Draco," his healer said in a calm voice. "I just want you to identify this as a potential weak point, so we can work on it. Consider something for me."

Draco should have left then, but something made him stay. He thought it was the concern he saw in the healer's eyes, it had seemed genuine, and Draco had had so few people show concern for him this year.

He'd crossed his arms then, "Fine."

"Would you say she needs you, in this same way?" his healer held his quill above the notebook page, and Draco stared at it while he answered.

"Of course not."

The quill began moving across the page, "How would you feel if she did?"

Draco considered the question, but he didn't answer it out loud. The healer already knew the answer, he was sure. If Hermione needed him, like Draco needed her, she wouldn't be Hermione, and he wouldn't respect her. Her resilience was one of the things he loved best about her.

Hermione is a very strong witch, and she needs a partner who's just as strong. She-Weasley had said that, and she was right.

Draco had walked out then, but it was too late. The healer's comments had already done their damage, and the dark thoughts ignited in that session were spreading faster than fiend fire through his brain.

About an hour later Ginny and Hermione said goodbye to Harry and Ron before walking back to the castle together. Hermione squinted up at her tower room and wondered if Draco was watching her but she couldn't see anything from this distance.

Ginny looked back at her and rolled her eyes when she realized what Hermione was looking at. "You still have no idea?" Ginny asked as they walked on the path back to the castle.

Hermione shook her head, she knew Ginny was referring to her decision about Draco and Ron.

"Think through something with me," Ginny told her, stopping on the path and facing Hermione.

"Okay…"

"Close your eyes."

"Why?"

"Just do it." Hermione gave Ginny a confused look, but complied. Once Hermione's eyes were closed Ginny started talking again, "Imagine you're opening the owl that's delivering your exam results in two weeks. You scan your eyes down the page and you see six Os and one E –"

"Which subject?" Hermione cut in, keeping her eyes closed.

Ginny laughed, "Doesn't matter for this, focus. So, you're slightly disappointed by the E, but no one's perfect. And you still earned seven N.E.W.T.s! More than anyone in our year! Pride starts to swell in your chest."

"Okay…" Hermione was following along and picturing the scene in her mind.

"You have to tell someone, you need to share this. Who do you think of first?"

Hermione's eyes popped open and she looked back at Ginny.

"That's him," Ginny smirked.

"What?" Hermione looked around her, expecting to see someone.

"Whoever it was who popped into your mind first. That's who you want, and that's who you should pick."

"Really?"

Ginny nodded knowingly, "I think you're turning this decision into a huge, complicated Arithmancy problem in your brain, but it doesn't have to be that hard Hermione. The right guy for you is simply the one you want to share your life with, the one you want to tell everything to."

Hermione nodded slowly back at her, surprised by the unexpected clarity. "Well, who was it?" Ginny pressed.

Hermione shook her head, still shocked, and didn't answer.

Draco had spent the last few days researching codependency in healer texts in the library. His healer had been right, it was an awful thing to bring into a relationship. But Draco hadn't learned anything new from the books, they had simply put words to the emotions that had been plaguing him for weeks anytime he thought about a future between he and Hermione. He knew what he had to do, he just didn't think he was strong enough to pull it off. But that was the problem, wasn't it? His lack of strength? How ironic that the biggest thing he was lacking in this relationship was also the thing he'd need to end it.

At least they wouldn't be ending things on a bad note, Draco thought. The last two weeks had been the best of his life. There was no homework, no Quidditch, and no drama to distract him and Hermione from each other. They spent most of the time in her room, though they ventured out occasionally to walk around the grounds and even visited Hogsmeade (disguised of course). He pulled himself away from her at least once each day to spend time with Blaise and Astoria, but he was never gone for very long. Neither was she, they both seemed to sense that their relationship was coming to an end, though they never talked about it directly. Draco hoped she wouldn't pick him, it would be easier that way, then he wouldn't have to be strong at all.

It was the last night of the term and Draco was sitting on Hermione's bed, cross-legged, in the same spot he'd been in the night he'd shared his memories with her. She was with McGonagall and Goldstein now, working on last minute preparations for the graduation ceremony tomorrow. When she came in, she called his name, then stopped in the doorway to her bedroom when she saw him sitting on her bed. She looked back at him confused.

"Come sit."

Hermione hesitated, clearly sensing something was wrong, but sat opposite him anyway. "We need to talk," Draco started and Hermione looked back at him puzzled. "I know you've been struggling for a while with your, uh, decision."

"Draco I-"

"Just let me go first," she looked back at him, a little worried, but nodded.

Draco closed his eyes then and sighed, then looked back into her now concerned gaze, "You don't have to worry about it anymore, I'm, we- after tomorrow I'm going straight on a curse-breaking assignment. So this, will be done. You can go be with Weasley." Draco winced as he said the last part.

Tears immediately welled in Hermione's eyes, "But you said you didn't get in."

"I was able to change their minds," Draco said simply.

"How?"

"I had to agree to work for free and start immediately."

Hermione nodded, and he could see her brain working through this new problem, "Okay. Well it doesn't matter. Go on assignment, I know you need that. I'll wait for you, and we can owl."

Draco shook his head, "I'll be gone for two years."

"Two years? The regular assignments aren't two years, I looked into it."

Of course she did. No one would ever say she wasn't thorough. Well Draco had been thorough too. He was getting angry now. He hadn't wanted her to push back, though he knew she would. He jumped off the bed and started pacing, "Listen to me Hermione, I asked for an extended assignment, okay?"

She turned from sad to angry. Good, it would be easier for her to let him go if she hated him. "Why? It's clear you want to end this and make sure it sticks by disappearing for good, I can see that. But you owe me an explanation." She stood up to join him and fixed him with a harsh glare.

"This isn't going to work!"

"Is this because of those stupid attacks?"

Draco clung to this excuse. "We were naïve to think everyone would accept this. We were barely able to accept it and we're in the fucking middle of it."

"I don't care about any of that, and I know you don't either. Tell me the real reason you're doing this."

Draco glared back at her, trying to keep his anger fueled, but he was having trouble since there really was nothing for him to be angry about. But he needed it to keep his despair in check. He sat back down on the bed, then tried to explain, "I don't win, Hermione. I rarely get the snitch, I will never finish first in any class, I couldn't save my mother without your help, and in the war- well that's not worth rehashing again, is it?"

"What does winning have to do with us? This isn't about winning Draco."

"It is Hermione. You deserve the best. Not a sad, broken Death Eater who spent most of his life hating you." Hermione sat next to him on the bed and put a hand on his leg. He placed his hand on top of hers and held it tight in his own.

"I've been nothing but selfish with you," Draco could feel tears forming behind his eyes but kept them from falling, "I was awful to you and you forgave me. Then I used you and you forgave me again. Then I burdened you with those horrifying memories and I was sure, after that, there was no way you'd be able to continue on, but you just keep on forgiving me." She squeezed his hand and was watching him intently. "I've been putting myself first since I met you but- Hermione, it's time for me to put you first, finally."

Hermione turned so she was fully on the bed, facing him. She put her hand on his shoulders and said forcefully, "You don't get to decide for me Draco. If you want to put me first, then listen to me. I love you. And it's crazy and I know you have a terrible past and I know you're recovering but we're both young, we have time. I'll wait for you. I understand what you're saying, you need time to heal from it all. Take it. Go be alone, search for treasure, break curses. Then come back when you're ready and I'll be here."

Draco's heart stopped and for a moment he considered her offer. He could go and try to work on getting past the war without her. Maybe break the codependency his healer was talking about. Or skip out on curse-breaking altogether. He'd go to healer appointments every fucking day if that's what it took. And Hermione said she'd wait. Did that mean she was choosing him? She was looking back at him expectantly, with bright, hopeful eyes.

His vision blurred, and he was back in the drawing room. His aunt was torturing Hermione and he was trying to look away, staring at a portrait across the room. He could hear Weasley's yells from the dungeon and a faint banging. Draco was armed, in his own home, completely able to help, and was doing nothing. While Weasley was unarmed, locked up, and throwing himself against a fucking door trying to get to Hermione. It was clear what Draco's subconscious was trying to tell him by dragging up this memory right now.

Draco looked back and watched Hermione, something he never did in this memory. She was in so much pain and he could tell she was scared, but she remained defiant. She never gave up whatever information his aunt was trying to get from her.

Hermione is a very strong witch, and she needs a partner who's just as strong.

Bellatrix took a small break then and Hermione looked over at him and pleaded. Had she done that for real? Or was his mind altering this memory right now? "Draco," she whispered. This was fake, she would have never called him Draco then.

"Draco," he was back in the present, Hermione had her hand to his cheek and was trying to coax him back to reality. He backed away out of her grasp. How long had he been gone? What had they been saying? Right, she'd offered to wait for him. Again, selflessly putting his needs above her own.

"No Hermione," she looked hurt and confused and he rushed to comfort her, leaning back toward her and cupping her cheek in his hand, "I don't want you to wait for me."

He felt warm tears hit his hand and then Hermione started sobbing, choking out between her sobs, "I know this is probably pretty obvious, but – in case it wasn't clear – I choose you."

It was impossible, how could she ever choose him? After what he'd done? And more importantly, what he hadn't done that day in the drawing room. "Why?"

She gave him a small smile through her tears, "You're the one I want to share my N.E.W.T. scores with," it made no sense, but was a perfectly random, Hermione thing to say. He let out a little laugh. "And you're the one I want to see when I wake up, and the last one before I go to sleep." She started sobbing heavily then and he pulled her into his chest and let her cry, his heart breaking and re-mending itself as each of her sobs shattered it anew.

"But you didn't choose me back," she said after a time, "You chose you."

Draco pulled her up so she was facing him and held her face in his hands, "No no no, this is me choosing you, please, I need you to see that. I know you think I'm being selfish, but staying with you would be selfish. I'm just trying to do the right thing."

"You keep saying this is the right thing, but if that was the case it wouldn't feel like this –" she pulled at the fabric of her shirt, right over her heart, and he guessed she felt the same pain in her chest that he was feeling.

"I know – " Draco leaned his forehead against hers and the tears he'd been holding back until then started falling freely, "I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you."

"Is there anything I can say to change your mind?"

He shook his head. Then they both cried with their foreheads pressed together. Draco moved to kiss her and was relieved when she let him. After a few minutes they pulled apart and he moved so he was laying on her bed, arms outstretched to her. Hermione went to join him and buried her head in his chest as he wrapped his arms tightly around her.

"So this is our last night?" Hermione asked in a hollow voice.

"Yeah," the word caught in his chest.

She shifted to face him, "Can we just pretend then, for tonight?"

"Pretend what?"

"Like this isn't ending tomorrow," she placed a small kiss on his jaw.

They spent the rest of the night talking about the summer they'd have if Draco wasn't leaving the next day. They imagined Draco bringing her home to have tea with his mother. She'd be harsh at first, but would eventually warm up to Hermione's irresistible charm. And Hermione would corner the house-elves and talk to them about their rights.

Hermione would force Draco to go to the burrow, and he'd apologize for having been terrible to all of the Weasleys in the past. Then Harry and Ron would invite Draco to fly after lunch.

Draco would take her to a professional Quidditch match and force her to watch. Then she'd make him take her to the ballet in return. Then they'd go on vacation in Italy. He'd take her to some of his favorite Wizarding destinations and she'd show him some of her favorite Muggle ones.

While describing a town she loved in southern Italy, Hermione fell asleep in his arms. Draco didn't dare join her in sleeping. Instead he watched her, soaking up the last few hours they had together.

Ginny had woken early, ready for graduation. To her, the whole year had been an annoying series of lessons and exams she had to get through before she could start her life with Harry. She was planning to move in with him next week and Ginny knew she and her mother would have a big row about it, but she didn't care. They might not be engaged yet, but she knew Harry and her would end up sharing a life together. And she'd been looking forward to fixing up that gloomy house of his all year. Maybe she'd gently nudge Ron to find his own place too.

At the thought of Ron her heart dropped. Ginny was sure Hermione was going to pick Malfoy and she knew her brother would be devastated. But he'd move on. He had become a lot more resilient this past year and he'd have her and Harry for support. So maybe she wouldn't kick him out of Harry's house immediately. That could wait until he was over the pain of losing Hermione.

Ginny wondered why Hermione still hadn't made her decision known. She was sure she'd decided a week ago during the N.E.W.T.s score exercise but hadn't said anything more about it to Ginny and it didn't seem like she'd told Malfoy either. He'd been looking gloomier than ever all week, and Ginny thought it was because he assumed it was his last week with Hermione. It was a valid supposition since, logically, Ron was the better choice. But Hermione was clearly going with her heart on this one.

Ginny stopped outside the portrait of the two dragons, looking around for Harry who was supposed to meet her here. When she saw him approach from the far corridor her heart fluttered, it was like she was in first year all over again. She could not believe her luck at having been the one to win his heart. When he reached her, he embraced her quickly then asked, "Ready?"

"Yes," she said enthusiastically, and he laughed, "I've been ready for graduation since the first day of term."

"Well, let's get Hermione. You think he'll be in there too?"

"Most definitely."

Harry braced himself for the confrontation and Ginny rolled her eyes. He'd have to get over that if Hermione really did choose Malfoy, but she thought with time they'd all be fine. She'd gotten used to Malfoy in just a few weeks, and they'd have all summer to work it out. Harry provided the password and the door clicked as it unlocked.

When they got inside it was empty, which was surprising since they had to be at the ceremony in an hour and it wasn't like Hermione to sleep in. Ginny crept to her bedroom and saw Malfoy sitting crossed-legged in the window seat, facing Hermione, who was still fast asleep in bed. He was waving his wand over a letter to dry the ink, then looked up and saw Ginny and waved her outside.

Curious, Ginny looked back and saw Malfoy lean over and give Hermione a small kiss on the temple, then he walked back into the common room with his letter.

"We should actually wake her up," Ginny pointed out, "We only have an hour."

"Let her sleep for a few more minutes, we were up late last night."

Ginny saw Harry twitch at that, but thought it an unnecessary reaction. Malfoy obviously wasn't talking about sex or anything, he looked like death and based on his red and puffy eyes he'd recently been crying. Sexual innuendo seemed to be the farthest thing from his mind right now. He folded his letter and sealed it shut with his wand, then handed it to Ginny, "Give her this, after the ceremony."

"Why don't you?"

"I'm not going," he said quickly. He grabbed his bag and looked around the room one more time, then made for the door. Malfoy paused when his hand reached the doorknob, then turned to Harry. He was holding out a blank piece of parchment which Harry seemed to recognize. "I fixed it," Malfoy said in a flat voice, "thanks for the loan."

Then Malfoy left and Harry looked back at Ginny confused. Once Malfoy was out the door Ginny opened the letter and began to read. "Ginny!" Harry scolded, but she waved him off and he sighed, then approached her and started reading over her shoulder. Tears sprung into Ginny's eyes as she read.

When she got to the end she looked up at Harry in shock. She and Harry had been worried about Hermione's decision but had never once considered that Malfoy had been working through a decision of his own. "She's going to be devastated," Ginny whispered to Harry.

"Was she going to pick him?"

Ginny shrugged, "I'm not sure, but I think so."

Harry's eyes flashed with anger and he turned toward the door.

"Where are you going?"

"To find him."

"And say what?"

"I don't know, but he can't leave like this, I won't let him," Harry pulled the blank parchment Malfoy had given him out of his robes and rushed out into the hall.

When Harry entered the Slytherin dormitory Slughorn had pointed out to him he saw Malfoy bent over his trunk and packing quickly while Blaise Zabini sat back on Malfoy's bed and watched him, looking concerned. Harry cleared his throat to announce his presence and Malfoy turned to look at him, then rolled his eyes and went back to packing his trunk.

"Of course you're here," Malfoy muttered angrily under his breath. "You seem to have a knack for being present during my lowest moments. The Astronomy Tower, that time in the bathroom in sixth year, even a few scenes from the war which I'm still unsure how you managed to be present for," he trailed off.

Zabini cut in then, "How did you get in here? Does being the savior of the Wizarding World get you access through any locked door?"

Harry kept his eyes fixed on Malfoy and muttered, "Something like that." Zabini scoffed and Harry finally turned to look at him, "I need to talk to Malfoy alone."

Zabini stood then and crossed his arms, placing himself protectively in front of Malfoy, but Malfoy gave Zabini a nod and he reluctantly left the room.

Malfoy turned then and stood to face Harry, waiting for him to start talking. "So you're just going to leave."

Malfoy sneered, "You read it, nosy as ever Potter. This isn't your business, it's between me and Hermione."

"I warned you not to hurt her," Harry retorted, fingering his wand in his pocket.

Malfoy seemed to snap then, and his expression became miserable and a bit wild, "I'm doing this to avoid hurting her! Tell me I'm wrong," his grey eyes bored into Harry's then and he looked like he was begging Harry to contradict him. "Tell me I'm good enough for her, that I deserve her." His face was pained and it was obvious he'd been crying. Harry stepped away, taken aback by the outpouring of emotion he saw there, Malfoy was usually so controlled.

Harry shook his head and replied honestly, "I don't think you do. But it's not my decision, and it shouldn't be yours. That's up to Hermione."

Malfoy shook his head and Harry saw him pulling his defenses back up as his face went blank again. "She's an idealist, you know that. She focuses too much on how things could be, in a perfect scenario, and not how they are," he moved back to his trunk, but didn't start packing. He gripped the edge with both hands and Harry saw them go whiter than normal, then he turned back to Harry and said, "I told you once she saw me for who I was. I was wrong. She sees this fantasy of who I can be, and she forgives me over and over and over, hoping I'll get there one day," his voice was wavering and he stopped to steady it, then said, "I don't think I'll ever get there Potter. She deserves someone who can."

He released the edge of his trunk, then picked up a few books and tossed them inside. Harry watched him for a while, considering his confession. "I think you're doing the right thing," he said finally, "I just don't agree with your methods. You can't dump her in a letter, she deserves more."

Malfoy shook his head but didn't look back at Harry, "I didn't dump her in the letter, I told her last night. We talked about it for hours. I just, can't say goodbye."

"She'll be crushed, you should try to be stronger for-"

"I'm not stronger, Potter, I'm not you!" Malfoy turned back to face him and fixed Harry with a harsh glare, then added in a low tone, "A fact I've been reminded of constantly for the past eight years." He turned back to his trunk then.

Harry was stunned. He had never imagined Malfoy would have the ability to put anyone besides himself first. Maybe his parents, but Hermione? Did he really love her? Harry wondered then if Malfoy was truly doing this for Hermione, or if this was just an excuse to avoid having to go public with their relationship.

"I just have to ask," Malfoy didn't react but Harry could tell he was listening, "Are you doing this for her, or for yourself? Is it really about Hermione's happiness, or do you not want to deal with the fallout?"

Malfoy paused then and was completely still, then he breathed in almost a whisper, "I'm living the fallout, Potter, every fucking day. But I deserve it. She doesn't, she did everything right. And she shouldn't be saddled with a broken ex-Death Eater," he bit out sharply, then grabbed his broom and closed it into its bag roughly before placing it in his trunk.

Harry walked over to Malfoy then, and reached into his robes to pull out his hawthorn wand. He handed it over and Malfoy started when he recognized it but didn't take it.

"Take it," Harry urged, "It's yours anyway, and I don't need it."

"Why do you have that?"

"Hermione asked me to bring it. Probably meant it as a graduation present or something," Malfoy looked unbelievably sad at that and Harry thought he would start to cry, but his eyes remained dry and his face became stoic again. "I wish she had never gotten close to you, and I'm not sure you're doing the right thing here, but it's clear your care for her and I can tell you've changed. You should have this back." He shoved the wand toward Malfoy again, but he still didn't take it.

After a long while Malfoy shook his head, then stood and backed up a few paces. "Destroy it, or give it to a museum. I'm sure people would love to ogle the wand that killed the Dark Lord."

Harry cocked his head, "You don't want it?"

Malfoy responded in a dead voice, "It's done awful things, and I don't want to be the person who used it anymore," he was looking at the wand nastily, "So no, I don't want it."

Harry nodded and pocketed it, "Well, I'll leave you then."

When Harry opened the door Zabini was on the other side, leaning against the hall. Harry ignored him and said back to Malfoy, "Good luck Malfoy."

"Take care of her Potter," he responded in a heavy voice, then quickly dipped his head back to his trunk and Harry guessed that he was hiding his tears.

Hermione awoke that morning to Ginny stroking her hair with a sad look in her eyes. Hermione thought it was because Ginny suspected she had decided to pick Draco over Ron. At the thought of Draco and their conversation the night before her heart fell, but she managed to keep from falling into a puddle of tears. She had a lot to do and she'd thought up a plan, she would wait for him, even though he'd asked her not to. She couldn't control him leaving, but if she wanted to owl him and wait for him to come back, Draco couldn't keep her from doing so. She'd waited entirely too long to fight for him, but she was ready now.

Hermione dressed quickly, eager to see him in the Great Hall, but he wasn't at breakfast. Ron was there and so were Arthur and Molly and she felt a pang of guilt, telling Ron would be hard, but she wanted to focus on Draco today since this was the last time she'd see him for a while.

It wasn't until after the ceremony when Hermione realized he wasn't coming. She and Anthony had given speeches and she'd searched for Draco everywhere in the crowd, but there was no familiar shock of blonde hair. She was leaning against a tree now, trying to get some time away and gather her thoughts about him. She wished they'd decided on plans for today. Perhaps he was in her room, should she go there now?

"Hermione?" It was Ginny.

"Oh, hey."

"That really was a lovely speech."

"Thanks."

"What's wrong?"

Hermione didn't answer, she didn't want to talk about Draco with Ginny right now.

"Is it because Malfoy isn't here?" Oh well, she should have known Ginny would guess why she was upset. Hermione was entirely too easy to read. She looked back at Ginny sadly, but didn't respond.

"He was the N.E.W.T score guy, wasn't he?" Ginny asked softly and Hermione nodded and tears started to fall down her face.

"I don't know where he is today, but – he's leaving tomorrow and I want to be sure to say goodbye."

Ginny wrapped her arms around her, then said gently, "He's already left Hermione."

Hermione pushed her away and could tell that Ginny knew something, "What?"

Ginny reached into her robes and pulled out a letter, "I saw him in your room this morning when you were still asleep. He wanted me to wait to give you this until the ceremony was completely over, probably so you could enjoy the day. But – you can read it now if you want."

"He's gone?" She felt her heart crumbling in her chest and tried to ignore it, holding back the sobs that were threatening to break free as Ginny nodded back at her. She wanted to scream. Wanted to tear through the school and check, just to be sure, or go straight to the Manor and give Draco a piece of her mind and a lesson or two on how to give someone a proper goodbye. But she knew she couldn't do any of that. She started breathing deeply, and looked at the letter Ginny was still holding out for her.

She straightened her spine and turned away, "Let's go, I have too much to do now to read that. I'll look at it tonight."

Hermione had no idea how she got through the rest of the day. She was mostly fueled by anger at Draco for not saying goodbye. Harry and Ginny helped, giving her encouraging smiles and frequent hugs. And Ron sensed something was off, probably assuming she was just unbelievably sad about leaving school, and was very kind and supportive.

After dinner at the burrow that night she stole away into Ginny's room and Harry and Ginny followed. Ginny pulled the letter out of her robes, then offered to leave so Hermione could read it alone.

"No, stay please," she said to both Harry and Ginny. They both exchanged a look, then sat on the bed and watched as she opened the letter.

Hermione,

I'm writing this while you're asleep, dreams moving behind your eyes and your unruly hair spread across the pillow. You're beautiful Hermione, and I should have told you so every day. I wish I knew what you were thinking right now. I wish I could slip into your head one more time and see the world, and myself, the way you do. I still have no idea what a perfect witch like you saw in a broken mess like me, but I'm glad you did, because you saved me Hermione.

I regret my part in the war, the things I did, hurting you and your friends, being a part of something so evil. And I will probably regret the way I'm ending this, but I will never regret what he had.

Last night with you was perfect, dreaming of the life we could have had if I was better, stronger. But I'm not, and you deserve so much more than anything I can offer. I know you don't agree with me; you think we could find a way to get past it all, but I've learned the hard way that thinking something does not make it true, and wanting something does not make it real.

I thought I'd be able to end this properly, covertly hold your hand under our robes during the graduation ceremony, share a few last kisses in a deserted classroom, and connive my way into your boat as we float across the lake and bid the school, and each other, a final farewell. But if I had to say goodbye in person, I wouldn't be able to go. And that's why I have to say goodbye in this letter and slip out of your life like a coward.

I don't blame you if you hate me, I wish you would. But just because this isn't our time doesn't mean I love you less. For as long as I can dream, I'll dream of you, Hermione, and our wonderful reality.

Love, Draco

When Hermione reached the last line, she completely fell apart. Intense sobs overtook her and she collapsed onto her knees and bent her head into her hands. She'd been holding out a small hope that he'd change his mind. After the wonderful time they'd had last night talking about their future, surely he wouldn't leave. But he had, he was gone, and he hadn't even said goodbye.

Hermione felt Harry scoop her up and place her on her cot and she fell into his chest, soaking his shirt with her tears. He pulled her close and rubbed her back and she could almost imagine he was Draco. They were built similarly, but it was wrong, all wrong, and no matter how much she tried to pretend, these weren't the arms she wanted to be in.

When she calmed down and pulled away, she noticed Ginny was on her other side and she patted her softly on the back. "You're going to be okay Hermione."

"I was sure I was right," Hermione muttered, her voice was hoarse from crying. "I was so sure he was the right choice."

Ginny shook her head sadly, "Sometimes the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing, Hermione."

Hermione shook her head. Ginny was wrong. She and Draco were right for each other, timing be damned. This was her fault. For being too scared to go public with their relationship, for taking too long to pick him over Ron. She'd waffled, and delayed, and hadn't fought for him. And he'd taken it all as a sign that he was undeserving, and she'd let him think that. Hermione was the reason Draco was gone, and as the truth of that thought settled in her gut she was overtaken again with sobs.

Draco went back to packing as soon as Potter left, trying to keep his emotions in check. He just had a few more things to take care of here, then he could fall apart as soon as he was back at the Manor.

"I thought he was going to hex you," Blaise said when he walked back into the room.

"Yeah," Draco responded vaguely. He'd told Blaise earlier that he'd broken it off with Hermione but hadn't provided any details. Mercifully, Blaise hadn't pressed him for any and didn't look like he was going to start now. That was one benefit of being friends with Slytherins over Gryffindors, they weren't excessively nosy.

When Draco finished packing his trunk he gave his room a final once-over. This was where he'd spent the majority of the past eight years. It was where he'd planned countless schemes, from stupid pranks like the Potter Stinks badges and Weasley's Quidditch song to dark ones like killing Dumbledore and stealing the Elder Wand. It was where he'd cursed Potter and his Mudblood and blood traitor friends and where he'd admired his Dark Mark. This was also where he'd lost his virginity to Pansy in fifth year, though the better memory, and the one he'd prefer to replace the first one with, was the innocent night he had spent with Hermione just a few weeks ago.

So much had changed in the world since he'd first strutted into this room and demanded the best bed (farthest from the door and next to the window). He had grown so much since that first night but most of that growing up hadn't happened here. It had happened in the Astronomy Tower, in his Head Boy dorm last year, and in Hermione's tower room. Draco didn't feel any warm feelings of nostalgia for this room or the person he'd been for most of his time spent here, and he was ready now to leave it all behind.

Draco turned to Blaise, who was watching him from his spot on the bed, and went to say goodbye. They exchanged a quick half-handshake half-hug common among blokes their age, then Blaise wished him luck and promised to visit him in South America at the end of the month.

"Hey mate," Draco said as he left the room, "you're a good friend. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it."

"Wow Draco, I never knew you to be so sensitive," Blaise teased.

Draco shrugged, trying not to burst into tears.

"Hey," Blaise stopped him before he got into the hall, "Stop by Astoria's on your way out. She's another one of those good friends who you failed to recognize all year."

Draco nodded, Astoria did deserve a goodbye. He made his way to her dormitory, trying to keep images of the witch who deserved a goodbye from Draco more than anyone from flooding his mind.

When Draco got to the Manor he spent the day preparing to be gone for two years. He packed as best he could manage for the unfamiliar South American weather and he transferred the power of all their Gringotts vaults to his mother. That left one more task, setting his mother up as the head of Malfoy Manor. He retrieved the Malfoy ring from his father's desk and the book with the proper incantations and went to search for her. She was in the drawing room and Draco hesitated before walking in.

The memory of the day Hermione was tortured in this room had plagued him more than any other in the last week and he wasn't keen to revisit it now. He peeked inside and saw his mother crouched over the large table at the end with parchments laid out in front of her. He approached slowly and looked at her plans for the room. It looked like she was going to do a complete demolition and rebuild. Good.

"Mother," she looked up then and her eyes narrowed when she saw what Draco was holding in his hands. "Is this really necessary Draco?"

"Oh course, I'll be gone for long stretches, and far away, you need to be able to enact – "

"Not that, I understand the need to transfer possession, I mean leaving in general. If you need to get away, we can go on a tour of the continent. Or even the world if that's what you want. You don't need to debase yourself by working for goblins."

Draco sighed, he didn't have the energy for a heated argument. Not today. "I know you don't understand, but can you please support me with this mother?"

He crossed her arms, then asked, "Please tell me this doesn't have anything to do with your girlfriend," she said the last word nastily and Draco had to bite his tongue to keep from yelling at her.

"I told you we ended it," he said through gritted teeth.

His mother sighed, "So if the job has nothing to do with her, why is it so important to you?"

"I need to get away and not be a Malfoy," he said the name almost as nastily as she had said the word "girlfriend." "I want to work hard, mother, and maybe get a little distraction from how we all spent the past few years. I'm sorry."

She approached him and put her hands on his arms, "Don't be sorry, Draco. You saved my life. If you truly want this, then go. I'll be here, ready for your return. And by that time the renovation here will be finished and you'll never know the evil that lived here," she gave him a small smile.

He sighed, then said in a soft voice, "I'm never going to be Father."

Her smile turned sad, "I know Draco. I – I'm sorry if I pushed you. You are so much more than your father. It's time for me to step back and let you be yourself."

Draco held up the ring and book then, and she sat on the nearest couch and they worked through the incantations together to transfer ownership of the estate. When the spell was done, the ring was glowing and a black mist seeped out of Draco's skin and burrowed into hers. She looked at the ring on her finger for a while, then removed it and put it in her robe. "I'm glad we don't actually have to wear the ring," she muttered and he laughed, he'd always agreed. It was very ugly and heavy. Luckily, it was only required for larger spells, like transferring ownership and letting new people into the wards.

His mother looked over at him, then leaned over and combed her fingers through his hair. Draco closed his eyes and imagined he was younger again, at the age where this was all it took for everything to feel better.

"Where do you want to go Draco?"

He opened his eyes and shook his head sadly, "I can't do the spell anymore. Because – uh - of the headaches."

She reached into her robes and pulled out her wand, "I'll do it."

Draco considered her question then, where did he want to go? There was only one place that came to mind. A bright room at the top of a castle (seventh floor, east wing, to be precise). With large turrets and a window seat overflowing with books. He was laying in bed next to a witch with long, curly hair spilling over her pillow onto his. But his mother couldn't take him there, and because of his Occlumency damage, he could never take himself back there. Tears stung in his eyes and he fought them back, then said in a wavering voice, "Our favorite chateaux from the Swiss Alps, in winter."

A/N: I know a lot of you will be upset (me too). Don't lose hope, there is still a rather long epilogue...

Also, I didn't really notice until final editing but the pacing at the end is off. Between this chapter and the last few everything is kind of rushed. Honestly I think it's because as I was writing I saw the end of such a spectacularly long story in sight and got over-excited.

Once I get a few weeks to rest I think I'll come back and add in a few more fun scenes to lighten things up and slow this down. Here are some ideas, let me know if you have others: Hermione hanging out with Luna, Ginny, and Draco in her room, something cute and romantic from their two weeks of bliss, Draco finally making a Patronus in his defense exam while thinking of Hermione, something semi-awkward between Hermione and Blaise.