Jarrod sighed as he looked at all the correspondence stacked on his desk; he hadn't worked in over a month. Matt covered for him when he could but all of Jarrod's clients knew of his wife's illness and Jarrod filed the necessary paperwork to get continuances as needed. As he looked at the paperwork he wasn't sure if or when he would be ready to come back to work. He heard the outer door open and the soft footsteps approach his office. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he readied himself for his mother.
Victoria calmed her nerves as she readied herself to see what her eldest had on his mind. She hadn't slept a wink last night and now here she was hesitating to announce her presence to Jarrod. Victoria straightened up and knocked on Jarrod's door. She heard the muffled "come in" and slowly pushed the door open.
When Jarrod looked at her she immediately noticed his bloodshot eyes; no longer did his eyes shine but there was a deep sadness to them now. Judging by his appearance she knew he had lost a great deal of weight. The dark hair was now lined with a few specks of gray at his temples which she thought made him look distinguished. His unshaven face did not hide the sunken check bones or the dark circles under his eyes.
Jarrod stood up behind his desk and motioned to one of the chairs, "Please sit down mother."
Victoria nodded her head as she sat down. She sighed heavily as it shouldn't be this hard to talk to her own flesh and blood.
Jarrod sat down heavily and said, "Thank you for coming mother." Victoria smiled weakly as Jarrod continued. "I thought we needed to talk about Audra staying me."
Victoria frowned and asked, "Is everything okay with that?"
"Oh yes but I wanted to let you know there are no ulterior motives on my part for asking Audra to stay."
Victoria was puzzled, "I'm not sure I understand what you are talking about Jarrod."
Jarrod sighed, "I don't want you to think this is my way of trying to get back at you, Nick and Heath by denying all of you access to the children; by having Audra stay with me."
"Jarrod the thought never crossed my mind."
Jarrod raised his eyebrow and said, "I'm sure it's crossed Nick's though."
"If it has, I'm not aware of it."
Jarrod cleared his throat and said, "Regardless I just wanted to let you know that this has nothing to do with our issues." Jarrod put his elbows on the desk and said, "It's really a matter of needing her help with the children. It's not that Minnie can't handle things but with two year old twins and a three year old it can be a bit much. Leroy has his hands full running the household chores and he helps when he can." Jarrod paused as he searched for the right words.
Victoria interrupted him, "Jarrod you do not owe me an explanation. It's not as if you or Audra are children; you're both adults."
Jarrod blew out a long breath and sighed, "I just don't want the rest of the family to say anything negative to Audra once she returns to Stockton."
"That will not happen," Victoria stated sternly. "When your sister told us that you wanted her to stay we were all in agreement. It was Nick's idea for her to stay at a nearby hotel if it would have made you more comfortable. Your brothers and I are thrilled that you are not pushing your sister away due to our transgressions."
Jarrod leaned back in his chair and said, "It's not right to make her pay for everyone else's attitudes. Besides the children love their Aunt Auddie already."
Victoria smiled as she repeated, "Aunt Auddie?"
"Lily started calling her that and the twins are trying to say it but.." his voice trailed off.
Victoria smiled sadly, "I understand."
Jarrod looked at his mother and asked, "Do you?"
Victoria sighed as she answered, "Yes I do. Although you children were much older when your father was killed, it was still a very difficult time for all of us."
"But we all have memories of father and my children will have none of their mother."
Victoria heard the sadness in his voice as she looked at her heart broken son. "As long as you talk about Hester they will have your memories of her."
Jarrod shook his head, "It's not the same mother."
Victoria agreed, "No it's not son."
Jarrod stood and turned his back to his mother as he looked out his window. Victoria heard the raw emotion in his voice, "It's so damn unfair." He hung his head.
Victoria took a deep breath as she rose from her chair and stood behind Jarrod. She gently put her hand on his back and was taken back when he turned around and she saw the tears in his eyes. It was mother's instinct to take him to her bosom and comfort him as he cried. She rubbed his back as she talked to him softly. It literally tore her heart out as she heard her eldest sob uncontrollably.
Jarrod clutched his mother tightly; scared she would suddenly leave him like Hester had left him. For the past week he held his emotions in check as best as he could but now in the sanctuary of his office with his mother he finally let it all out. As Victoria soothed and comforted her son he repeated over and over again how unfair all of this was. Jarrod wasn't sure how long he cried before he finally pulled away from his mother. He looked down ashamed as he wiped his eyes with his hands.
With her hand she raised Jarrod's head slowly and spoke softly to him, "Jarrod never be ashamed to mourn for your wife."
Jarrod sighed heavily as he looked at his mother and realized how much he had missed her the last five years. When he was troubled, needed advice or had questions he would go to his mother; but in the last five years he didn't have that luxury. He had slowly accepted her decision along with the rest of his families but there was always something missing; his family and Hester knew it.
"I can't let the children see me like this."
"Why not Jarrod?"
Jarrod sighed as he moved to sit down on the couch with Victoria sitting next to him. "They're already confused and seeing me upset would only make it worse."
"Does Lily know what has happened?"
Jarrod blinked back the tears as they threatened to spill again. "I honestly don't know. She knows her mama isn't," Jarrod's voice broke. "That she isn't coming back. To make matters worse the twins ask for Hester several times a day which upsets Lily tremendously." Jarrod put his head in his hands and Victoria patted his back once again as she heard him cry softly.
After several minutes Jarrod raised his head and once again wiped his face. "Damned if I do and damned if I don't."
Victoria knew exactly what Jarrod was talking about. "I wish I had answers for you Jarrod but I don't. All I can tell you is to be there for them."
Jarrod looked at his mother and Victoria was taken back by the pure sadness in his face, "There are times when the pain and loss is so overwhelming I feel like my chest is going to explode." He sighed heavily, "I'm trying to keep the same routine we created for the children but I find myself getting upset and angry because the children are being cheated out of their mother and Hester was cheated out of watching our children grow up."
Victoria thought a moment and suggested, "Do you think writing down your thoughts would help any?" Jarrod shrugged his shoulders. "What if you wrote down about your and Hester's courtship, marriage and the birth of the children. Then when they get old enough you can share it with them to read."
Jarrod looked at his mother and said, "I don't know mother. Right now I am lucky if I can write my own name."
"You don't have to start it today. There's no starting point or deadline to finish it. Maybe it would help all of you in the long run, to go back and read about yours and Hester's time together."
Jarrod sighed and said, "I'll think about it." He looked at his mother and asked, "Will I ever feel like smiling, laughing or feeling human again?"
Victoria smiled sadly as she caressed her son's unshaven face, "Yes, in time you will. I can't tell you how long it will take as everyone is different but you will. Believe it or not your children will be a great help for you while you're mourning, because when you see them you will see Hester and the love you two shared." Victoria hung her head and said, "I'm just sorry I was too stubborn to see the love you shared with Hester."
Jarrod smirked, "Well you can't blame your stubbornness on the Barkley side of the family."
Victoria smiled wryly, "No I can't. I guess between myself and your father we double cursed all of our children with the stubborn gene."
Jarrod stood up and went to his desk. He picked up an envelope and joined his mother once again on the couch. He turned the envelope over in his hands before handing it to his mother. He sighed and said, "I only found this today while I was waiting for you to come. I'm not sure when Hester wrote this but she left me instructions to give it to you when you came." He stood up and walked back to the window, "She knew once you found out she..."Jarrod's voice broke again. He cleared his throat and continued, "She knew you would come."
Victoria ran her hand over the envelope as the tears ran down her face. Jarrod turned back around and was surprised to see his mother crying. Was she truly sorry for the way she treated Hester? She looked up at Jarrod and said, "Thank you."
Jarrod went back to his desk and said, "There is one more thing I need to give you before you leave." Jarrod opened his desk drawer and pulled out another envelope. He moved to sit beside his mother and handed her the envelope. "These are the pictures of the children at various ages. When we would get the photos taken Hester would always order an extra set and I didn't know why until today."
Victoria started crying again as she looked at the envelope and back to Jarrod. She choked out, "Thank you Jarrod."
"I can't make any promises about the future mother." Jarrod sighed and said, "I am hopeful in time we all can work this out but right now I need to make the children my top priority."
Victoria spoke, "Of course." She sighed as she looked at the envelopes in her hand and asked, "Would it be alright if I wrote letters?"
Jarrod sighed and said, "I can't promise I will reply but I'm sure Audra will."
Victoria smiled. It was a small step but at least it was a step in the right direction.