A/N: I am so, so very sorry for the really long wait.
Since the last update, life hasn't been very kind to me. I've struggled with a lot of life issues. I feel really bad having made you guys wait so long. Anyway, life is pretty much back to normal now, so I'm officially back.
We're coming to the end of the story now. One more chapter left after this one. I will try and post the next one within a week. Might be a bit longer as its the summer holidays here and I have all three children at home. But I promise it will not be a long gap like the last one.
Anyway, please let me know what you think of this. I'm actually really nervous as its been a while since I've written anything and feel I may be out of practise. So, your comments will mean the world to me. Thank you.
I think you've waited too long for this, so enough of my rambling and here is the second to last chapter…
Chapter 18
A case. That was what they needed. A much needed distraction. He searched through all the news websites, trying to find something, anything. He'd spent most of the day trying to avoid Cas. He hated doing that, hated how he just couldn't be around him right now. He was so happy that he was here, more than words could say, but at the same time he hated how he had to walk on egg shells around him, worried that he might say something or do something that would send the other man away.
Every time he looked at the angel, every time his eyes caught those blue ones, he wanted nothing more than to wrap him up in his arms and kiss him, show him just how much he loved him. But what if it was the wrong move? What if that wasn't what Cas wanted?
He sighed heavily, closing his eyes. This wasn't how it should be. This wasn't how their relationship should be. They should be able to kiss each, touch either other, smile at each other without worrying about the other ones response. He knew he had no one to blame but himself, didn't make the situation any easier though.
The thought of grabbing his bottle of whisky from his bedroom filled his mind. He couldn't go there. He couldn't drown his sorrows with booze, not this time. He had to show Cas he was serious, he had to show that he really wanted this, really wanted him, had to show him that he was really going to try.
He opened his eyes and glanced around the library. Old books filled the shelves, the polished tables shone under the lamps and the quiet was soothing. His brother was currently hiding in his room. He'd exploded three hours ago, having had enough of the tension between Dean and Cas. He could understand it, he was sick of it himself. He could tell Sam was surprised by his reaction to the outburst, probably expecting denial or an argument. But Dean stayed mute as he watched his brother storm from the room. Once his bedroom door slammed shut, he'd finally risked peaking a glance at the angel who had been stood to his left. Cas just gave a heart-wrenching sad look, shook his head in defeat and left the room without a word.
Dean had thought about going after him., had thought about trying to talk to him, but he knew it would be no good. Cas was still insecure, was still worried, was still keeping his distance. Who could blame him, though? Instead he'd fired up his laptop, his heart sinking in his chest as he tried to find a case, knowing that it would probably do them all some good to get out and about for a few days.
But there was nothing. Nothing that was worth a drive. Maybe he was doing it wrong. Finding a case was usually his brother's job, he'd always gotten the better results. He sighed again, thinking about that drink he so desperately wanted. Yet again, he closed his eyes, trying to will the urge away.
Footsteps sounded from across the room and he snapped his eyes open. The sight of Cas standing in the door way took his breath away. He was still dressed in his usually sexy get-up and his hair was still gorgeously messy. But when his eyes latched onto Cas's, he stopped breathing altogether. The sadness was still evident there, but they held something else. He looked uncomfortable, maybe. Dean knew something was about to happen, he could sense that Cas was dying to say something. From the way he was looking at him, he didn't think it was going to be anything good.
He closed his eyes tightly, willing himself to take a breath. After what seemed like too long, his lungs finally allowed oxygen back in and he was able to breath once more. He opened his eyes again and was shocked that Cas had moved across the room without being heard. He was now standing at the other end of the table, opposite him, that stupid sad look written upon his face still.
"Dean, we need to talk." His voice was low and cautious and Dean swallowed down the lump that was slowly forming in his throat. He tried to ignore the loud thudding of his heart and his nerves were automatically set on fire. Dean had been right. Whatever Cas wanted to say wasn't good.
He pushed his chair back, standing. Slowly and cautiously, he manoeuvred his way around the table till he was standing next to Cas. He kept his distance, needing to give the angel a chance to move closer or back away. Cas didn't move. "Is this a conversation I'm going to need a drink for?"
Cas furrowed his brows and looked at the floor. Trying to make a joke out of whatever was bothering him probably wasn't the smartest move, but he just needed to diffuse some of the tension, needed some kind of reassurance. "This isn't working, Dean."
He could feel his heart slowly disintegrate in his chest, he could feel the panic slowly start to bubble up, threatening to push to the surface. He tried to take a few steadying breaths, the urge to run was strong. But he couldn't. He couldn't run, no matter how much his instincts were telling him to do just that. He needed to prove to Cas that he was done with this bullshit. He tried to think of something to say, something that didn't end with him pushing the angel away.
Cas glanced at him, his eyes nervous. Dean decided there and then that the best thing for both of them was to play dumb, to pretend he didn't have clue as to what Cas was talking about. There was no point in panicking, not until Cas gave him a bloody good reason to. "What isn't?" He kept his voice soft, hoping that he came across as curious and not scared shit less.
"What we're doing. It isn't working."
Dean tried so hard to ignore the pain, but it was hard. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, could feel the sting of them. He didn't want to cry, not in front of Cas. "Cas..." He froze when the angel held up his hand. What did that mean? That he didn't want to hear anything he had to say? Or did it mean he wasn't finished talking? He didn't know which would be the better option.
"Dean?"
Both men swivelled to stare at the frozen and shocked man standing in the doorway. Dean could punch his brother sometimes, he always had the most awful timing. "What?" Dean barked at him, anger surging through his veins now. He needed to know what Cas was going to say, he needed to understand what wasn't working.
Sam looked sheepish and a good thing too. "Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt." Before Dean could demand any answers for the interruption, his brother had disappeared down the corridor and a few moments later they heard the tell tale sound of the door slamming shut. Thankfully his brother knew to stay hidden away for long while. There would be no more interruptions tonight.
Slowly he turned his head back round to face Cas. The other man was staring at him so intensely Dean got lost in the depths of his eyes. He needed contact, needed to touch, to taste. Instead he folded his arms across his chest, a defensive move, a move that said he was trying to protect himself, but it was also so he couldn't be tempted to reach out and hold the angel tightly. He didn't know what was going through his mind, he didn't know if Cas had changed his mind about them. If that was the case, he couldn't step over that line. He had to be careful with him.
Dean opened his mouth, about to ask him what wasn't working, again. But before he could, he saw a blur of movement, all tan coat and dark hair, then soft lips pressed against his. He froze, his heart completely stopping in his chest, his chest grew tight and he'd forgotten how to breath. His brain needed to be jump started, he needed to process what was happening.
Cas was kissing him. That's what was happening. Shit. Cas was kissing him and he was stood frozen to the spot, not moving, not responding. What the hell was he doing? He'd been needing this for too long and now that it was happening, he wasn't kissing him back. What the hell?
He could feel Cas start to pull away. He couldn't allow that. Cas needed to know that he wanted this, needed it. Finally, he could feel his heart start beating again, could feel his brain kick back into gear. He grabbed Cas at the back of his head, pushing his face against his as he pressed his lips against those soft puckered ones. Cas hummed and Dean could feel the need for more to wash over him. God he wanted him, so bad. But first he needed answers. Was this goodbye? Cas had said it wasn't working, whatever 'it' was.
Slowly he pulled back, not daring to release him just yet. Instead he closed his eyes, leaning his forehead against Cas's, inhaling his intoxicating scent. The smell wasn't anything in particular, just his own unique scent, but it was enough to make him dizzy with need.
"What isn't working?" his voice was barely a whisper, but he knew Cas had heard him by the sudden tension he could feel radiate off him. Dean opened his eyes and saw just how terrified the other man was. He pulled back, finally releasing him. He needed space to think clearly and he couldn't do that being in such close proximity to him. "Cas? What isn't working?" Suddenly, he didn't want to know the answer because somehow he got the impression he wasn't going to like it.
Cas sighed. "I've been back for two weeks now. And I hate it."
Dean couldn't help his eyes going wide with shock. He hated it here. He didn't want to be here. Dean slowly started to back away, his eyes filling with tears that threatened to spill. That drink he was thinking about having earlier didn't sound half bad now. He just wanted to forget. He wanted to run. But he promised. He'd made a promise and he needed to prove to Cas that he was willing to try, even if he hated being with him.
Cas watched him with guarded eyes as Dean kept taking steps backwards. He glanced over his shoulder at the bunker's exit. He could do it. He could run and not look back. When he glanced back at Cas, he knew he couldn't.
"I need to run," he whispered, hoping beyond hope that Cas would get the message he was trying to convey.
The angel reached out and grasped his hand, his eyes instantly softening. But there was something else there, something Dean couldn't describe. He stopped his movements as he felt the firm grip. Once more he was starting to feel grounded again, he could feel his flee instinct subsiding, if only a little. The urge was still there.
"I love you, Dean. You know that, right?" He nodded slowly, not trusting his voice. "But I can't stand this any more. We barely talk to each other, we barely touch each other, we're constantly cautious around each other, afraid we're going to set the other one off. This isn't working."
Dean had to agree with him, he really did, but he was willing to have this, it was better than nothing. "So..." He licked his dry lips as terror filled him to the brim. He was terrified of the answer, terrified of his heart breaking all over again, terrified of being that broken shell of a man again. "So, you're leaving?"
Cas's eyes widened and then softened. "Of course not." He tugged Dean gently towards him, pulling him close, pushing his face into his neck. "I don't want to leave. I just want things to change. I want to be comfortable with you. I want to touch you when I want, kiss you when I want, hold you when I want. I want to be able to laugh with you, talk to you, and even argue with you. What we have going on at the moment isn't making either one of us happy."
Dean felt his heart thumping in his chest as he pulled back to look at the man that awed him to his very core. "I want all of that, too."
Cas beamed at him and Dean felt a small bubble of warmth erupt in his stomach at the sight, knowing that he'd put that smile on his face. "Okay, so no more awkwardness? You're going to trust me not to change my mind about this?"
"Yes. And you're going to trust I won't run again?"
Cas's smile widened, if that was even possible. "I think you just proved to me you weren't going to run again. You could feel the need and instead of following it blindly, you told me, allowed me to help you stay. I'm so proud of you, Dean."
Dean offered him a small, shy smile, feeling the warm bubble grow. "I'm going to kiss you again." And he did. It was just a quick, reassuring one that had left them both wanting more, but it didn't stop the smiles from growing, and it didn't stop them showing their love for one another.
Hopefully this was the end of all that shit, hopefully this was the beginning of something fantastic. Only time would tell.
- SUPERNATURAL -
It had been two days since their little chat in the library. There was no more avoidance. They chatted, they laughed, they kissed, they were happy. Or at least Dean was, and from the look of it, so was Cas, he hoped anyway.
He glanced over at the man he loved. He was sitting across the table from him in the map room, his brows furrowed in concentration, his eyes darting from side to side as he read each page of the book he was holding, every now and then he delicately turned a page, the soft rustling of paper the only sound in the room.
As if he could sense Dean watching, he glanced up from his reading, his eyebrows shooting up into his hair line as a small, playful smile teased his lips. Dean couldn't help but smile back. He was happy, happier than he had been in a long time. The urge to tell him just as much pushed forwards and just as he was about to open his mouth, his brother came barrelling into the room.
Dean cursed under his breath. What was it with Sam and his timing? Seriously? He glared at him, hoping he would get the message that he was interrupting something, again. But his brother didn't even take any notice, instead he bounded down the few steps that led from the library, waving a newspaper in his hand.
"Think I got us a case."
Dean rolled his eyes. Of course he did. He'd spent hours before trying to find something, anything, and had come up empty. His brother had spent half an hour on his search and he instantly got one. How was that fair? He ignored his slowly building jealousy of the man's talents and stayed quiet, waiting for the information.
"What is it?" Cas asked, his voice full of curiosity.
Sam's eyes filled with excitement. Perhaps he needed to get away for a few days, which was the same need he'd had a couple of days ago. Now, though, he was quit content to sit there in the calming silence with Cas by his side, smiling and kissing and talking.
"A demon attack. Its just a few hours away." He turned to Dean, hope in his eyes. "What do ya say? Wanna get out of here for a couple of days"
How could he turn down that puppy dog look? He softened his eyes. "Sure. You in, Cas?" Dean didn't miss the flash of disappointment in his brother's eyes. Was he expecting it to just be the two of them? As much as that would have been good, like the old days kind of good, he wasn't ready to leave Cas behind yet. He needed to make sure they were still okay, he needed to make sure that Cas wasn't going to leave him, that he was just as happy as he was. He chose to ignore the look in his brother's eyes and turned to face Cas, waiting for his answer.
"As long as Sam is okay with that."
A warmth spread through him at his answer. He was allowing Sam the opportunity to say that he wanted it to be just the two of them. Cas was so selfless, so thoughtful, that he was willing to put Sam's needs above his own.
"Of course you can come, Cas."
Dean clapped loudly, excitement filling his veins. "Lets do this." He jumped from his seat to grab his duffel bag from his room. He practically rushed from the room, excited to be back on the hunt again, but even more excited that the man he loved was tagging along.
He grabbed his bag from the floor by his desk and turned, almost colliding with Cas. He let out a startled gasp at the close proximity. He wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss the man senseless but he took note of the look in the other man's eyes and he held back. Cas looked sad and he hated that look upon his face, it tugged painfully at his heart. "You okay?"
"I do not think Sam wishes me to join you on your hunt." His voice was full of sorrow and disappointment. In a way it made Dean deliriously happy, it meant that he wanted to go with them, wanted to be with Dean. He couldn't help but smile. Cas frowned with confusion, tilting his head slightly. "Perhaps I should stay." Dean carried on smiling, despite how those words sent a small wave of sadness through him. "What are you smiling at, Dean?" He could hear the slight edge to his voice and it just made him smile even wider.
Dropping the bag on the ground, he wound his arms around Cas's waist, and pulled him close. Cas's hand gripped his upper arms tightly, still looking confused. "You're all sad and disappointed."
"Of course. But why does that make you smile?"
He placed a gentle kiss upon Cas's lips and then he pulled back and he smiled again. "That could only mean one thing."
Cas tilted his head again, frowning deeply. "What's that?"
"It means you want to come with me, be with me."
Cas's confusion cleared and a small, shy smile graced his lips as understanding clouded over his eyes. "Yes. I do. And that makes you happy?"
"So very happy." He bent and kissed him again. This kiss was much deeper and much more passionate as he licked and tasted the other man. He heard Cas groan from deep within his throat and that one little sound sent jolts of pleasure through his body, heading straight for his dick.
Cas pulled back, that sad look on his face. "I am happy that makes you happy, but it doesn't change the fact that perhaps I should stay here."
Dean shook his head violently, hating the thought of leaving Cas behind. "No. I don't care what Sam wants. I want you to come with us. I hate the thought of leaving you here alone. Besides, I'm not ready to let you out of my sight yet."
Cas smiled at his words. "But Sam…?"
"Leave Sam to me. You're coming and that's final."
- SUPERNATURAL -
Turned out, Sam was quite understanding about Cas tagging along with them on the hunt, a lot more than Dean had envisioned, considering the sour face he had at first. Perhaps it was because of Dean's excitement, his happiness. He didn't know and he didn't care.
As they drove through the pelting rain, and as the wind banged against the car, Dean basked in the silence. Every now and then his eyes would flick to the rear-view mirror and settle on the angel in the back seat. Cas for his part was looking out at the darkened day, watching the rain and blur of trees whoosh past them.
Dean had never felt so content as he did looking at Cas's happy face. They still had a long way to go, they both knew it, but they were getting there. It would be a slow journey, but they would get there in the end.
He flicked his eyes back to the road and shock coursed through him at the sight. A woman was stood in the middle of the road and Dean had to react fast, pushing his foot hard to the break. Tires squealed and Dean could feel the car sliding away from him as he tried to avoid hitting the woman.
It had felt like forever since he'd first touched the break, but finally the car came to a stop. He could feel the tension in the car and he quickly remembered Cas. He looked over his shoulder and instantly calmed to see he was okay, confused, but okay. It was stupid really. Cas was an angel and a simple car crash wasn't going to hurt him, but he had to be sure. Then he glanced at his brother, to see an equally confused look on his face.
When he looked through the back window at the road to see the woman, she was gone. His own confusion swelled within him. He was almost positive she had been there. "There was a woman in the road," he said, by way of explanation.
Before either Cas or Sam could respond. His door was ripped from its hinges and thrown aside, hands grabbed at him, pulling at him. His back hit the concrete, the rain instantly soaked him and he squirmed, trying to free himself. He could hear doors opening in the distance, but he ignored it as he was eventually released. He glanced at the woman who had been stood in the middle of the road, an evil smile plastered her face, her eyes black. Of course it was demons. Would it have been anything else, really?
He wiped a hand down his face, pushing water away and glanced over to where a demon was holding his brother by the hair. Sam was on his knees, a worried expression on his face. He was trying to break free of the firm grip, but the knife at his throat didn't give him much room to move. Dean felt his heart pick up speed. Of course he was worried, but his brother could hold his own. He'd find away to get free. Or Dean would find away to get to him.
Looking back at the demon bitch, hoping to have it out with her, he was surprised to find that she wasn't looking at him, but over him, behind him, the smile now turning smug. Dean glanced over his shoulder as he felt the wet floor soak his elbows from where he was leaning on them. The rain was freezing and he felt a shiver run through him. It wasn't because of the cold, though. His heart stopped at the sight of two demons holding Cas, each gripping an arm, each holding an angel blade to his throat. Cas looked defeated and frightened and furious all at once. He knew Cas could handle himself, knew he could probably break free if he tried.
But these demons were smart. Cas wouldn't try anything, not as long as he was in danger. He glanced back at the demon hovering over him. She was crouched next to him now, her own knife point touching his throat. It was warm compared to his skin, but it sent another shiver down his throat. She was still looking at where Cas was and still with that damn smile.
"Crowlie's been looking for you, angel," she said, the smugness evident in her voice.
Cas let out a low scream as an angel blade scraped across his throat. It wasn't deep, just enough to shock him into submission. The demon above Dean let out a little chuckle at it, allowing the knife in her hand to drop a bit. Dean looked at his brother. A simple look passed between them, an understanding.
The demon above him went to say something else, but Dean grabbed the knife, twisted her arm backwards and rammed it between her breasts. She let out a high pitched scream. Dean caught sight of his brother breaking free from the corner of his eye, but he didn't have time to be concerned or think about that in the slightest. Instead, he pushed the woman to the concrete, not letting go of the knife and he reached into his jacket, pulled out the angel blade and sunk it straight in right next to the knife that already sat there. There was a flash of red as the woman screamed in agony. Then she went limp, her eyes empty.
Dean pulled his blade free and looked at his brother. His demon was dead, Sam was pulling the demon killing knife free. Then he glanced at Cas. He was free, both demons at his feet, eyes burnt from their sockets.
Relief filled Dean as he slowly stood to face him. But the urge came on strong, quick as lightening. All he could think about was that Cas had come close to dying. All he could picture was Cas's dead body and suddenly he couldn't breath. He couldn't handle these emotions, this feeling of helplessness.
He couldn't see Cas any more, just his dead body. Only his dead body. What if he'd died? Where would that have left him? Or worse, what if he, himself, had died? How could he leave Cas feeling all that guilt and self-loathing? How could he leave him all alone? Because Cas would, he would blame himself. Those demons had been here for him, after all.
He felt a hand on shoulder and Dean's eyes snapped to his brother's concerned ones. He couldn't deal with that now, he couldn't think past anything other than what could have been. Cas needed to be as far away from him as possible, that's the only way either of them needed to survive. He couldn't be here any more. He needed to leave. Needed to forget.
He latched his eyes on to Cas again, hoping to see some concern or reassurance or even understanding. But his face was closed off, no emotion showing. He was expecting Dean to run and God, he was so damn close to doing just that.
He started backing away. Like last time, he expected Cas to follow cautiously, but he didn't, he didn't even seem to want to. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise. Maybe it was for the better.
Realization hit him full force and he froze, his heart speeding up. Cas was waiting to see what he would do. He was waiting to be let down and he couldn't do that to him. He couldn't let him down again. He needed to prove that he could do this. That he could keep his promise. His breaths came harshly now as another shiver ran down his spine. He could do this.
Sam was asking if he was okay and he really didn't know how to answer that. He glanced at him, shook his head once and then latched his eyes back on to the angel.
"I'm need to run." It was barely a whisper, but he knew Cas had heard him because in the next instant, Cas was moving towards him, relief written in his eyes.
Cas slammed into him, wrapping his arms around him and suddenly Dean felt grounded, safe. But he couldn't move, couldn't bring himself to hug back. Cas buried his face against his wet neck.
"I'm okay, Dean," he whispered. "We're okay. Its going to be okay."
Relief washed over him at those words. It was going to be okay because they were both unharmed, they were both there, together. Finally he wrapped his arms around Cas's waist, burying his own face into the crook of the angel's neck, smelling the rain on his skin and inhaling it. They were both okay.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled and Cas pulled back, but not stepping away. Instead, he cupped Dean's face in the palm's of his hand, his blue eyes boring straight through his soul.
"Its okay. You didn't run and that's what matters."
Cas leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. Dean reacted instinctively, kissing back. He could taste the saltiness of the rain, and wondered briefly if he was actually crying. He could feel his heart start beating again, could feel himself come back from the edge and in that moment he knew, he knew that all he needed was Cas. Cas would make everything okay.
Dean pulled out of the kiss and stared into his eyes. "I love you."
Cas smiled then, a bright, break your heart smile and Dean couldn't help smiling back. Just feeling the angel's joy was enough to make his own heart soar to the clouds. "And I love you."