Chapter 26 Deep Down in His Heart

"Am I the only one who finds this terribly painful?" N repeated himself. He furiously paced ahead of Hil and waved his hands energetically. "That this is the extent to which I have to go to stop people from competing through the use of their pokémon? You say it's for understanding one another, but how?" N stopped in front of Hil and leaned down uncomfortably close. "How?"

Hil shook his head. "N, I don't understand… are you okay? Did something happen?"

"Hurting one another is bad!" N shouted and wrenched away from him. He began to pace yet again, but this time, instead of walking a line and then turning to walk back, he seemed to just spin in circles. Hil recognized the signs. The heavy breathing, the defensive posture, the chaotic thoughts, his even more rapid than usual speech… was N having a panic attack? But why? Why had he stopped to talk to him, of all people, for assistance? Where were his usual Team Plasma tagalongs? Growing more and more worried by the second, Hil swallowed hard, wincing as N added, "I am not out here to hurt anyone! That's not my goal!"

"N, slow down," Hil said sternly. He dared to move closer and held up his hands in a display of harmlessness. N haltingly fell still and Hil realized he was shaking all over. He kept his hands hovering in midair, just inches away from N's chest. Arceus, he's tall, makes me look like a dwarf, Hil fleetingly thought. He'd noticed before, but it was suddenly more appreciable now. "I… I know your goal isn't to hurt people. You want to save pokémon," Hil swallowed against the painful lump rising in his throat as he was reminded of their differences. Again, that voice in his head was screaming at him that this was stupid, and N would just turn on him the second he was feeling better again. "So, what are you talking about? Start from the beginning."

"Can I talk to your Servine?" N panted defeatedly. His shoulders fell slack. In fact, his entire body seemed to loosen up, as if the tension of the anxiety had been too much to bear and whatever had been holding him up finally snapped under the pressure. "I've… I've been with pokémon my entire life. They raised me when I was little. I talk to them better than I do with people…" He looked as if he wanted to say something else but decided against it.

Sighing, Hil felt a familiar pang of hurt, something that just seemed inherent with his meetings with N. That was until something N had said registered for him. "You… what? You were raised by pokémon?"

"Please," N pleaded desperately as he brushed away Hil's question, "may I talk with the Servine?"

Hil nodded, concernedly staring at N as he spoke, "Hey, Noodle, you okay to chat with him for a sec?"

Noodle slowly clambered down Hil's shoulder and upper arm, jumping to the dirt once he reached his elbow, and gave N a scornful look. He curled his tail about his lower half and flicked it irritably against the ground. He and N stared each other down for a few seconds. Noodle snorted and shook his head on occasion, while N's only outward reaction was minor changes in his facial expression. A twitch of the lips there, a flutter of the eyelids here, and once, he reached up to brush his hair away from his face distractedly.

But then N dug the toe of his right shoe into the ground and spat, loudly, "But why? I can't understand it!" He staggered backward and put his left hand against his forehead. Noodle growled and retreated to Hil's side.

"N, what'd you two talk about?" Hil pressed, casting uncertain glances between Noodle and N. "And… how did you two talk…?"

"I…" N's lips twitched as his round eyes watered. He blinked away the welling, moving his hands to rub his eyes, "I can't say… I'm sorry." He put both hands against his forehead then. "I'm sorry for upsetting you back in Nimbasa City. I'm sorry for anything I've put your friends through. I don't want to hurt anybody… I swear. I am doing this for the sake of pokémon and nothing else. That's all I want… that's what they deserve. Team Plasma is currently searching for the Light and Dark Stones. They are the dormant forms of the Ancient Dragons of Unova. Zekrom will rise from the Dark Stone and I will befriend it. Reshiram will rise from the Light Stone when the correct Hero approaches it. Your friend, Cheren, must revive Reshiram and face me. He must!"

Hil sucked in a fast breath as he clenched his eyes shut, annoyed with N throwing Cheren's status as the 'Hero' back in his face. Yet, he knew it wasn't intended as a backhanded remark. N's voice quavered and the way he hid his face was too genuine. Besides, he didn't think N had it in him for passive-aggression. He felt a little guilty for all his angry thoughts calling N stupid and every variation thereof then. "N…" Hil dared to reach out and touch the other's arm. He would have placed his hand on his shoulder, but he couldn't quite reach that high comfortably. "You're… you're really upset, man. You need to calm down for a second. This stuff's stressing you out…."

At Hil's touch, N cringed and lurched like he wanted to move away, but he anchored himself in place and didn't budge. Reflexively, Hil pulled his hand away, a seed of worry growing in the pit of his stomach at the reaction. It was far from normal for a person to look visibly fearful at the touch of another unless… unless they had reason to be. At least, he didn't think anyone would naturally fear contact like that… "N. I know you care a lot about this, man, but… I think it's gone too far. You're losing it, people are getting hurt, pokémon are still getting hurt even sometimes in your own organization…" Hil flailed to correct himself as N jerked his head up to stare at him. "Not that that's your fault that they did any of that! I know you would never have in a million years wanted them to hurt pokémon. But the truth is, man… they are. You can't just… stomp out suffering of all kinds in one action. That's just… not how the world works…"

"Well, why not?" N demanded childishly as he finally removed his hands, clenching them into fists at his hips. Hil blinked at him, blanking on an answer, for a few seconds. He didn't even know where to begin to answer that question. That was like asking why trees made oxygen or why fish pokémon lived in water. It felt so painfully obvious. How did N just… not… know? Floundering for a response, the cogs of Hil's mind rolled, and he was brought back to how he found it strange that N was so naïve despite having the frighteningly sharp Ghetsis on his side as an advisor. That Ghetsis weaponized N's name at Driftveil… That Ghetsis was also N's father. Adoptive father, but father all the same.

Heart pounding, Hil tentatively introduced the subject. "N… I heard that Ghetsis was your… adoptive father, is that right?"

"Yes," N answered warily.

"Did he or you make Team Plasma originally?" Hil asked cautiously. He knew better than to go in accusing Ghetsis right away. It was his father, for Arceus' sake, and N was unstable enough as it were; he'd undoubtedly refute any possibility of ill-will from Ghetsis.

N didn't skip a beat. "Him. He did. Long before I was even born."

Hil pursed his lips in thought. "Earlier… you mentioned you were raised by pokémon. What… what do you mean by that? If you don't mind me asking…"

N still was confused by Hil's questioning, but he seemed more willing to cooperate. His anxiety was ebbing even if still apparent in his shaking form. Hil cracked the smallest of smiles as he realized that. His attempts to calm N down were working!

"Ghetsis found me in the forests nearest the Giant Chasm," N said softly. His eyes were unfocused and almost looked glassy as he spoke further. "For four years prior to that, I lived there with a Zorua, a Darmanitan, and many other wild pokémon. They taught me what I needed at the time to survive. They kept me safe… even though they had horrible stories of what humans had done to them. They said…" N took a shuddery breath as he broke himself off. "Sorry… Just, Ghetsis took me in from there. He raised me. He told me of how he had been planning for years and years to free pokémon from the subjugation of humanity, but he had never had the means of doing so. Then he said I was the Hero… the Hero of Ideals. And I became part of a beautiful equation. I've found my purpose."

The more N said, the more frightened Hil became, to the point he could no longer hold back his accusations. He waved his hands at the end of N's explanation. "N… he's… I don't think Ghetsis is being honest with you, man…"

Noodle trilled sadly at Hil's side and stepped forward. He cocked his head knowingly at N. The King of Team Plasma, however, reacted as expected. He reared away from Hil and gaped. "Lord Ghetsis is my father a-and he's sacrificed much to do this for pokémon…"

Hil swallowed hard. He had to rethink his approach. He was going to run him off at this rate. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sure he means well, just… N… do you think it's possible he's gone too far? I mean, you think humans can be really cruel, right? Well, is it possible he's lying to you to justify getting that perfect world? Like, he thinks the ends justifies the means?" Hil pleaded. "That wouldn't make him a bad person, per se… Just that… maybe he's hurting. Maybe he doesn't really think what he's doing is wrong…"

N looked around himself frantically, nervously. "Watch your tongue," he hissed softly. "You don't know anything about my father. Lord Ghetsis has sacrificed much for me. Much for pokémon. He has singlehandedly allowed this movement to take place. It would be… be so ungrateful to think wrong of him…"

"It's not thinking wrong of him," Hil insisted, "just… My father did a bad thing, too." Hil didn't want to get into the details. That would hurt too much, and he wasn't even sure if N would be able to handle such a story. "He… he was hurting, too. He wasn't a bad man, I don't think. I think he thought… he was doing the right thing, but in doing so, he hurt a lot of people. That makes sense if humans are kinda cruel by nature… doesn't it?"

N squared his shoulders as Hil talked. Waspishly, he growled, "No! Lord Ghetsis is unlike your father. He is unlike any other human. He knows what's best, he is my best advisor, and…" N snarled in frustration, an animalistic, frustrated sound. "Why am I even here wasting my time like this? I have already beaten Skyla." He glared at Hil, but then his gaze softened apologetically. "I'm sorry. I recognize that you don't just see pokémon as tools. It's as clear as day, and it does break my heart a little that people like you will be separated from their loved ones… but Lord Ghetsis can't be wrong."

Can't. That was a strange choice of word to use there.

"I don't mean to hurt or upset you," N weakly said again. "I hope that one day we can be friends. That you will understand. That everyone will understand what we are doing and why we are doing it." With that, he began to walk away, his gait jarring and unsmooth.

But Hil wasn't done with him. He had given it his all to try and help N, and once again, it had backfired. This time, he wasn't willing to keep his thoughts to himself. This time, anger and hurt surged and he jabbed a finger after N and stamped a foot furiously. I hope one day we can be friends. Well, keep hoping! "All I've ever tried to do is help you!" Hil shouted.

N halted but did not turn back or say anything.

"I keep offering you help, keep trying to be there for you to talk to whenever you have something to say, but you won't even try to see my side! You just won't! What's wrong with you? Why is it so hard for you to imagine that maybe, maybe everything's not so black and white, huh?"

"I can't," was the hushed response Hil received.

There was that word again. "What do you mean, 'you can't?' You're eighteen! You're practically a grown man! But you cling to everything this father of yours says! He could be wrong! You say you don't want to hurt people or pokémon, but you align yourself with a group that's known to do both of those things! Why not pursue it on your own? If you're really the Hero or whatever, why do you have to be with Team Plasma?"

N silently hurried away and this time, he did not stop despite Hil's continued diatribe.

"You're being used! You're being tricked! And you act like that's what you want!" he snarled after him. With N finally out of sight, Hil huffed and crossed his arms. Noodle rubbed against his pants sympathetically. Looking down at him, Hil sighed and nodded. "I know… I lost my temper. I'm sorry."

Noodle just shook his head at his trainer as if to tell him he understood. Hil fished in his pocket for his Xtransceiver and headed for the Pokémon Center. He felt guilty for skipping out on Cheren's battle with Skyla, and briefly worried that if Cheren and Bianca got to arguing again it could unravel the progress he had made with Bianca, but frankly, his energy was sapped after the eventful day and the confrontation with N. He just wanted to sink into a bed with his pokémon relaxing nearby and call Church and unload all the day's events onto him. Church was far sturdier than Hil could have ever hoped to be; he could listen to just about any problem Hil could conjure and have something helpful or kind to say in return. It was therapeutic and comforting all at once. He craved it right then like someone might crave ice cream in bed after an arduous, stressful day.

After checking in with the Nurse Joy and texting Cheren and Bianca their room number, he retreated to the comfort of the bedroom and sprawled across the bed. Once he'd let his pokémon out to stretch their legs and relax, he lazily flicked through the short list of contacts on the Xtransceiver and settled on Church. He opted for a video call. The screen flickered blue and hummed a few times before Church picked up.

"Ay, it's Hil!" Church beamed into the camera. His normally messy mop of red hair was combed and slicked back today, tucked behind his ears, and Hil could just see the beginnings of a suit below Church's neck. His bright emerald eyes were as clear as ever. "You just beat Skyla, huh? Tell me you beat her. C'mon. And tell me how Clay went!"

Stunned into silence by his clean and crisp appearance, Hil sputtered. He looked amazing. "Oh, uh… um…"

"Hey, close your mouth, you'll catch a Woobat that way," Church commented with a cheeky grin. He winked and Hil's cheeks blazed.

"St-stop it," Hil growled, "how would you know if I was in public or not, huh?"

"Aw, you worried about something? About what, I wonder?"

"It's not like that!" Hil puffed despite the upturned corners of his lips.

"Also, you're in a bed." Church examined the impeccably groomed nails of his left hand, feigning disinterest. "Unless there's someone I don't know about, I'll assume you're alone, or with Cheren and Bianca." He broke into a wide grin and then laughed suddenly, as if he had a new idea. "Or did they get a room all to themselves…?"

"You…" Hil shook his head and shyly shimmied downward in the bed so his jacket's collar would partially hide his reddening face. "Ugh. I'm ignoring all of that. I beat Gym Leader Clay on my second try, and I beat Gym Leader Skyla on my first, if you must know."

Hil brought him up to speed with the gym leaders and even with Cheren and Bianca's argument. Church had been unsurprised and at Hil's confusion, he had explained that Bianca had confided in him long ago her reservations over Team Plasma and pokémon's place in the world. He admitted to trying to convince her to tell Cheren or Hil, but that she had always been too scared to, and he didn't want to go behind her back at all. Hil felt nothing but respect for Church as he divulged the knowledge. Selfishly, all he could think was that if Church had held Bianca's secret so closely, then it was proof of his trustworthiness. Church really did have a heart of gold.

What Hil found far too difficult to bring up, however, was his confrontation with N. It caught at his tongue and refused to pass the barrier into pronunciation. In fact, it had always been awkward to talk to Church about N. Hil always felt a little guilty when he thought of how much space in his head N took up on a regular basis and how little he reached out to Church… the redhead from Nacrene City lavished him with texts every few days and was always so engaging when they spoke. Hil found him enchanting in just about every way. Shouldn't he have been raring to give Church all the attention in the world back, rather than constantly chasing the phantom that was N?

Eventually, their conversation drew to a close and Church hung up with one last winning smirk at Hil. He had never learned why Church was so dressed up that day, but he did know that the groomed, sleek look was perfect for him and the image stuck around in his mind for a while. He sheepishly wondered if Church would wear more stuff like that in future conversations as Cheren and Bianca entered the room. The fact they were together sent a wave of relief over Hil.

"S-so, how did the battle with Gym Leader Skyla go?" Hil chanced.

Cheren gave him a steady look. "I beat her. She said you beat her on your first try."

"Mopped the floor with her, more like," Bianca snickered. She sat down on the bottom bunk of the opposing bed. Hil relaxed even more at that. It was sort of their unspoken ritual that Hil claimed the bottom bunk on the right side of the room, Cheren the bottom left, and Bianca the upper left. If she was taking a seat on Cheren's bed, then surely, they must have worked something out.

"And… are you two…?" Hil uncertainly flicked a finger between the two of them.

"I still don't like his plan to fight N," Bianca said right away. Cheren visibly tensed. "But I'm not going to let that cause more problems for me than it already has…"

"But we did talk about something important," Cheren mumbled as he stiffly sat down next to Bianca. He didn't sit close enough for them to touch, though. "Bianca pointed out that you, Hil… bond with your pokémon rather often and I do it rather infrequently. And while I train a lot and my pokémon are quite strong for it, they may not be as… happy, as they could be." He shifted uncomfortably. "Bianca wants me, tomorrow, to head with you toward Twist Mountain and bond with my pokémon, with your help, if you don't mind, Hil."

Now Hil was uncomfortable. He sat upright and stuttered, "U-um, you want me to help? Are… are you sure about that?" Cheren, asking him for help? N had come to him for help earlier… Was today even real anymore?

"Yes," Cheren answered curtly. "As part of Bianca and I's agreement… she'll try to understand what I'm doing, and I'll try to understand her views." He had a sour look on his face, though. Like he didn't believe a word he was saying.

Hil breathed deeply. Pick your battles, Hil. He's trying. He hoped he'd be able to help Cheren anyway. "Okay. Sounds good." Then Hil groaned and leaned forward some, only half-jokingly clutching at his stomach. He hadn't eaten in quite a while… He cursed how he struggled to eat whenever he was anxious. "But do you think we could make something to eat? I'm starved. Today's been wild. Aren't you two hungry?"

Bianca giggled and nodded furiously. "Yes, I am, actually. Let's go. Cheren?"

He gave her an unreadable stare.

"You coming?"

"O-of course."