Tuesday

I woke up in the early morning in a cheap hotel, my eyes swollen and my throat scratchy from a stupid amount of crying. I hurt everywhere, my head, my wrist, my body sluggish and achy. My heart felt as if it had been ripped out, my chest empty, my lungs struggling to take in air.
I'd spend the night in misery. My thoughts spinning in circles. I did not want to accept this A Doua Inima shit. NamJoon and I were soulmates? I was destined to fall in love with him and then let him feed off of me forever? Bullshit. It was just one more thing for him to take away from me, several more.
I didn't want to be in love with him. I didn't want to give him one more fucking piece of me, let alone my heart. He already held too much power over me because I liked fucking him. Because he was bigger and stronger and faster. I didn't want to give him anything else.
And it wasn't supposed to be him. I was supposed to fall in love with a pretty girl who was strong and supportive like my mom. Or a handsome man who was funny and wise like my dad. Not some ridiculous vampire who didn't even have a clue what it was like to be me, who barely understood what it was like to be human.
It was supposed to be nice, wonderful even. Dates, shy smiles and shared laughter, getting to know each other bit by bit, enjoying the process, a gradual build up of emotional and physical intimacy.
Not this. Force, coercion, dark urges, humiliation, self-hate and so much fucking pain.
Now, buried in the rough hotel blankets, the pain was crushing and it was only growing worse. I'd woken up countless times throughout the night and each time the ache was sharper and it was just a little harder to breathe. In the weak light of dawn, there was a new torture, like needles under my skin and fire in my veins: NamJoon needed to feed.
I felt it and recognized it without a moment's doubt. I knew now that some of the feelings of illness and discomfort that I'd been experiencing during the last couple of days weren't because of my head injury. They were the growing conviction that NamJoon needed my blood and I needed to give him my blood.
I lay in bed for over an hour, just letting misery and agony pour through me, thinking about the word 'surrender'. NamJoon had said that it was sweet, but it felt as if it would slit my throat. I was going to have to give up and give in and give myself over to him. When the pain grew strong enough to drown out my regret, I pushed myself off the bed and got dressed.

There was a guard standing outside my door. One had followed me from NamJoon's building and kept an eye on me as I bought food at a convenience store and checked myself into the hotel. He'd followed me all the way to my room and posted himself outside my door without a word. He must have been switched out sometime during the night, this new guy was taller and thinner.
"Take me to him," I said and he led me down to where my limo was waiting, parked on the street.
The chauffeur drove me to what must now be NamJoon's office building. I watched Seoul pass by as the car wove through traffic, hurting so much that I just wanted to curl into a ball and close my eyes, but I wouldn't do it. I gritted my teeth and stared at the people on the sidewalks and in the passing cars, normal people doing normal things, living normal lives. That would never be me.
I'd always pondered my future, wondering where I'd end up. Would I navigate myself into a job as a producer? End up as a white collar worker? Or fail and scramble in poverty for the rest of my life? There had been so many different paths, possibilities and pitfalls ahead, but I had never imagined that I would end up like this. It felt impossible, unbelievable, but I was now trapped in a cage, looking out at normalcy through tinted windows, plunged into wealth, held in the grip of fate.
The guard and I rode the elevator up to the top floor, stepping out to a different scene than the day before. There were now many people working, extra chairs pulled to desks, tables set up to hold laptops and files. People bustling, phones ringing and papers being shuffled. When they noticed me stepping out of the elevator, things fell quiet and all eyes turned towards me.
I frowned and sighed as the secretary from the day before hurried over and led me to NamJoon's door, rapping on it quickly and opening it to let me in. There were half a dozen people in the office with him, clearly hard at work. They all fled the room as soon as they saw me.
I stood staring at him as the double doors closed behind me. He didn't look that different from usual, or he shouldn't. Why did the black suit that he was wearing seem so striking? The GMA uniform was a black suit. Was the simple absence of the school crest on the breast pocket and a black tie rather than the regulation striped tie enough to change his whole aura?
He looked so much more powerful and in control. Mature. Before, he'd had self-assurance, arrogance and swagger, but this...I didn't question why all of the employees were working so hard. He looked like someone who was in complete control, someone who knew exactly what he was doing and would catch every mistake, someone you didn't cross.
I swallowed nervously. I hadn't thought of this moment, hadn't planned what I would say. There was no prepared speech apologizing and asking him to take me back. I didn't even know what to say. I'd failed. He was right. There were consequences to being his A Doua Inima. I couldn't escape. As much as I wanted to, the door was closed and it would never open again.
"You're in pain," he said, taking away the need for me to start the conversation.
The words began breaking me down. "You need to feed. It hurts."
"Come here."
He pushed his office chair away from his desk and I went to him like a fucking child would run to his mother, tears in my eyes, looking for comfort. He was the source of my agony and my ecstasy, my temptation and my enemy...was he also my love and my hate?
I felt torn, falling to pieces before he even touched me, needing what only he could give, ashamed to admit it to myself, and afraid. I had to do this. I had to ease my own suffering and I was compelled to feed him, but if he'd felt like a trap before, he now felt like a black hole, poised to suck me in.
I did not want to fall in love with him. I did not want to lose all of myself. It was too much to ask, too much to give, but now that I was aware of it, every little touch of his fingers, the look in his eyes, the way that he pulled me onto him to straddle his lap. Everything threatened to draw me down. I felt it over and over, that sudden breathless feeling of falling. Time and time again, I mentally pulled myself back onto solid ground while his tongue explored my mouth and his hands massaged down my back.
He pulled his lips from mine and moved to press tiny kisses to my ear. Tears were sliding down my cheeks. I reached up to slide my arms around his neck and hold him closer. Some of the pain was retreating, falling away because he was near, turning to warmth and a feeling of safety. I couldn't hold back a sob, a tangled mixture of relief and denial. This couldn't be, but I needed it so badly.
Words whispered against my ear. "Are you okay?"
"I don't know," I answered, a whine in my voice. "Just feed, okay? Just help me…"
His hand came up and he stroked his thumb over my neck, pulling back to ask, "You said I was filling you with gases. I know people usually feel a warm feeling when I feed, I can't do anything to prevent that…"
"It's okay, that's not it. Just-"
His lips slid over my skin and his teeth sank in, that familiar prick, tiny and sharp, followed by the pull of his feeding, the warm golden light flooding into me. I cried out, the sudden feeling of relief so strong that it nearly felt like an orgasm. If I'd been hard, I probably would've come in my pants.
I plunged my hands into his hair and held him to me, moaning loudly as waves of rapture crashed over me. I was back in his arms and he was feeding, the stars tilted into their correct positions, my lungs began to work freely, and all of the pain fled, chased out by the warm golden light.
When his teeth slipped out of my flesh and he began lapping my skin, I tried to choke back sobs. I still felt broken, pieces of me scattered about and lost. I pushed myself off his lap to stand trembling in front of him, trying to collect myself, but it seemed impossible.
"Hey, I think I took too much." His eyes narrowed with concern, his hand reached out for me. To pull me back? To steady me? I didn't know, I only knew that I couldn't handle any more.
I stepped back, out of his reach, and said, "I'm okay. I'll go...I'll go home and take a vitamin."
It was the first time I'd referred to the mansion as home, it was a concession, an attempt to distract him from how fucked up I was, a reminder to myself that things had changed. He reached over to pick up the phone on his desk and call for a guard and my limo. He looked back up at me, his eyes examining me carefully.
"Eat well when you get there, and rest. I won't stay late tonight. I'll come home and sit with you while you eat dinner. Let's talk."
I nodded, glad that someone was already knocking at the office door. The guard was there to take me to my limo. I didn't have to answer NamJoon, I didn't have to acknowledge his comment by answering it aloud. He'd leave work and come home to talk with me at dinner. Like a married couple. Like my mom sitting with my dad so that he didn't have to eat his dinner alone after getting off work late. I drug in a breath and turned to follow the guard out of the office.

I walked into the mansion looking at everything as if I'd never seen it before. Everything seemed a little different, it was no longer a temporary jail, but a long term prison. It was a pretty cage to hold me where I'd be convenient for NamJoon to fuck and feed, it was home now.
My home. The thought made me cringe, it made me want to turn and run, but I forced myself to move forward. To look at the rooms and the furniture, the staff with their curious, awed eyes and mentally repeat the word 'mine'. Mine, mine, mine. This was all mine. The only thing to do was to get used to it.
Han Butler-nim was hovering nervously as I walked through the rooms, ignoring him. I guess now that I was the royal concubine of the first senior rank to the king rather than the prince, I'd risen in status and he was now looking at me with deference rather than a barely concealed disgust. When I'd gotten enough of walking around tattooing the word 'mine' on my brain, I turned to ask him what he wanted.
"I need to introduce you to your personal assistant, Seonbi," he answered.
I didn't bother to question him, I followed him to a door that he knocked on and opened to reveal a small office. There was a woman waiting inside. He introduced her as Lee AeJung.
"Why do I need a personal assistant?" I asked her. "I don't even have a job."
"I'm here to arrange anything you want or need, to make your life easier," she explained.
"I have everything I need."
"Well, NamJoon Hoejang mentioned he'd like for you to have a new cell phone. I can take care of things like that," she said.
I tried to ignore the fact that her eyes were starting to plead with me to accept her. "I can go to a cell phone store on my own."
"That's true. But maybe you'd like me to take care of it for you so that you can concentrate on something else. Or maybe it would help if I went with you to assist with the purchase." Her tone became apologetic. "NamJoon Hoejang hired me. I'm going to be sitting in this office no matter what. You may as well make use of me."
'Like the piano,' I thought. It was there, so why not use it? Even though it tied me tighter to this place, it just didn't matter. I was here to stay. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and handed it to her. "Fine, get me a new phone."
"I'll do that immediately, Seonbi." She fucking bowed to me. "Anything else you need, anytime, just let me know. I'll program my number into your new phone."
I left her office with a sigh to go and stand on the terrace, looking out across the lawn at my study table tucked against the back wall. My little act of rebellion in this huge house, my attempt to separate myself from everything else and carve out a place of my own. But I had a suite now, and my own office,and thoughts of escape and distancing myself were futile.
The tall stone wall was no longer the boundary of my restraint, my borders were now infinite. Wherever I went I would be tied to NamJoon. He was inescapable. I could leave, but I would never be able to stay away. I would always have to return to him.

"What is that?" NamJoon asked, his voice a mix of disgust and fascination.
"I don't even know. I didn't ask," I answered, pushing the mix of pasta and vegetables around on my plate. "It's good. Probably something Italian?"
He grimaced and shook his head, taking one last look at my dinner before his eyes flicked up to mine. "Tell me how to make you happy."
I laughed. The statement was so simple, revealing ignorance of the basic complexities of life. It was a reminder that the old NamJoon was still in there, even if he'd taken over his father's empire and suddenly seemed like a businessman, a CEO, a king.
"It's not that easy. You can't just buy me something and erase everything that's bothering me. It doesn't work that way." I should have felt angry. Angry at his high-handed methods of trying to placate and control me, but instead I felt sad. I realized that I wanted it to work. I wanted him to be able to snap a finger, swipe his credit card, and have all of the turmoil taken away. I wanted to be free of it. I wanted to rest.
"Is it that you aren't comfortable in the mansion?" His voice was thoughtful as he tried to figure me out. "You were raised in poverty, and that's what you're comfortable with?"
"Listen, my family doesn't have a lot of money, but we get by just fine. I didn't grow up in poverty without enough to eat. I just didn't have a lot of extra things and they obviously couldn't afford to send me to GMA. It's a school for the richest people in the country. But, yeah. I'm not used to servants and personal assistants and being driven to school in a limo. This is all new for me and it's a lot to get used to."
He'd cast his eyes to the side and was nodding as if he were trying to take in my words and reorder this thinking. I pressed on. "I don't understand why you're so free and easy about this. It wasn't a shock that I'm your A Doua Inima? You're just fine with it? You didn't even hesitate to break your dad's neck. It would have made a lot more sense if you'd broken mine."
"Don't say that," he snapped. "You're mine. There's no reason to question it or argue against it. You're mine and I'll do whatever it takes to keep and protect you. I have no interest in fighting it. That would just be a waste of time. I don't understand why you don't feel the same way."
"'You're mine'," I repeated, rolling the words around on my tongue and in my mind. Remembering the dozens of times I'd said the word earlier that day to accustom myself to the idea of living in the mansion permanently. But I'd never thought of him as being mine. It didn't even make sense. I drug in a breath and said, "You're my pain and my comfort. I can't get past it. I feel like I don't even know myself. I can't trust myself. When I'm away from you, I just want to run away. When I'm with you, I want to cling to you. It's tearing me apart."
"I just want to make you happy. I don't want to see you in pain. I want us to be happy together. What can I do to help you?"
"You...this thing...stole my life. Everything is completely derailed and I don't know how to pick up the pieces. It can't just be fixed."
He sighed and moved to kneel next to my chair, raising his hand to tenderly stroke my cheek, his eyes full of care and concern. Full of love. It was then that it really struck me that he'd accepted this A Doua Inima thing. My breath caught in my throat. He loved me. He was just going to love me because fate had glued us together. He wasn't disputing it, fighting it, or complaining about who I was or the things that I lacked.
He'd never once lamented the fact that I was the only one he could feed on or even questioned that I was his A Doua Inima. He'd moved me into his home, tried to take care of me, protected me to the point of incapacitating his own father and taking over his empire. I sucked in a deep breath and leaned away from him, shifting my gaze to a point across the room so that I wouldn't have to see the sadness and confusion that fell on his face.
"This is so hard. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose everything to you. I'll end up nothing but an empty shell, lying around this mansion waiting to be fed on. Like those bloodwhores at your father's party."
To my surprise he chuckled, the sound low and warm, trembling over my skin. His fingers slid around my neck and up to the side of my head, turning me around to look back into his eyes. "Have you met yourself? There's no way you'd end up like that. You're all emotion, full of passion and fire."
He rose up to capture my mouth with a slow exploration of his tongue, releasing me only when my breaths were panting and my bones had melted. "Everything's going to be okay, YoonGi. We'll take care of everything together."

We went to my bedroom and he just kept kissing me, his hands in my hair, running over my back, massaging my ass. I was hesitant, locked in my head, worried about falling into him, giving everything away. He patiently seduced me with his lips and tongue, slowly exploring my mouth, gently teasing my tongue into giving him a genuine response.
When I finally relaxed against him, he pulled away from my mouth and sighed. "Do you know how much I missed you when you were gone? I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away forever, but I didn't know how long it would take for the A Doua Inima thing to bring you back. All that I could think was that it might be weeks, weeks without you."
I pulled him down and caught his mouth with mine, pushing my tongue past his lips, showing him the way his words curled in my heart, the pleasure and the fear, the uncertainty. He took them all, held me in his strong arms and silently asked for more. This was the problem, wasn't it? That he would accept everything, take it all, let me slip into the abyss of his heart and keep me there.
Tears were pricking at my eyes. I pulled him closer, kissed him harder, trying to push more feelings into him as they rose up in my throat, threatening to choke me. Tiny snowflakes began to fall into me, pure and white, slowly fluttering down, catching...on my heart. I moaned into NamJoon's mouth, muscles tensing with emotion. It felt as if the snowflakes were burning me, or...I was burning, my heart set afire.
I knew this feeling, recognized it as the spectre that stalked me, the enemy at my gates, but there was no fighting it. A blizzard had built inside of me and flames broke out everywhere. I knew that it wasn't real, it was just another one of NamJoon's incantations, but there was no denying the feeling, there was only acting on it.
I tore my lips from his, gasping as his lips immediately went to my cheek devouring my skin with wet, opened mouthed kisses as if he couldn't be parted from the taste of me. He tipped my head back and trailed his mouth down my neck, a moan trembling against my skin.
"Sunbae," I breathed, my hands on his upper arms as he held me close. "M-make love to me."
His mouth stilled as it sucked my collarbone and he quietly growled the word, "Yes", before lifting me up and laying me on the bed. He looked down at me, his eyes bright and searching, his mouth smiling as he climbed over me and straddled my thighs.
He loved me. He already loved me. It was shining in his eyes and I could feel it in his fingers as he pushed my t-shirt up and ran his splayed hand up my stomach, over my abs and pecs to lightly pinch my nipples. He hadn't just accepted that he could only feed on me, as far as I could tell, he'd welcomed me as his soulmate without a moment's hesitation.
He had all of that love inside, just waiting to give it to me. I sat up and pulled off my t-shirt, baring my chest to him, greedy to feel more of that emotion on my skin, feel it sinking in and filling me. My heart and soul were blanketed in drifts of sparkling snowflakes, calming my fears, opening me to him in a way that I had never thought possible. I didn't just want him to fuck me, to fill me with pleasure, I wanted our every move and touch to bind us further, to join us in an unbreakable bond.
His fingers went back to my nipples, twisting and pinching a little harder, his mouth moving to lick the line between my pecs, tongue lapping up the taste of my skin. Moaning, I writhed beneath him, arching into his cool touch and icy mouth, dragging my fingers through his hair and holding him tightly to me, hungry for more of him.
I'd thought I'd known pleasure before, the lightning sharp flare of electricity, the physical sensation of burning skin and aching flesh, but this was something else. This was bone deep, soul drenching, earth shattering. This was NamJoon and his love for me infusing every cell, tangling with the fibers of my being, so close that I wasn't sure where I ended and he began.
A hand glided down my side and bumped over my hip bone, sending an electric jolt up my spine, pushing a loud cry from my lips. My dick was rock hard and aching, dripping precum, my hips were bucking up, my ass spasming, begging for him.
He moved away so that he could pull off the rest of my clothes and his before pushing my legs open and settling between them, his hands rubbing up and down the backs of my thighs, spreading them wide. When his head dipped down and he drug his tongue up the back of a thigh, I groaned. This was too much, too intense and not what I wanted. I wanted him to forget everything except plunging his cock into me. I needed it so badly.
Fingers slipped between my asscheeks to pull them apart and he rubbed a thumb over my entrance, tracing the rim with a firm touch. My hips jumped up, searching for him, wanting his fingers in me, stretching me, opening me up for his invasion. Instead, fingertips landed at the base of my dick and lightly traced a path up to its head and my body froze as I felt the cold wetness of NamJoon's tongue slide over my hole.
I groaned, fire and ice twisting in my stomach, my breath catching, my body stilling as every bit of my attention focused on that incredible point where the tip of his tongue flirted with my entrance and then pushed its way inside.
"Sunbae." There was a whine in my voice and my legs had begun to tremble. His lips were pressing around my rim, his tongue thrusting in and out of me, lapping at my walls. My breathing was out of control, my hips raising off the bed to push harder into this mouth, my body hot and straining as an orgasm built behind my dick.
He slid his tongue from my ass and said, "Don't come. Let's come together."
His mouth moved up, sucking and lapping my balls, trailing up my dick, his tongue swirling around the head. "You taste so fucking good, fucking all of you."
Two fingers slipped into my ass and began working my hole open while his mouth continued up, exploring over my stomach and abs, sipping at my nipples, plundering the sensitive spot where my shoulder met my neck, drawing endless cries from my mouth.
Pulling his finger away, he rose up on his knees, catching his hands under my knees, opening me up, positioning me so that his cock could find my entrance. Bending over me, one hand still hitched under a knee, his other moving to cup my face, his eyes caught mine and held them as his cock pushed past my rim and began a slow, deep plunge.
"I love you, YoonGi. I love you. No matter how difficult things get, I will always be here to do everything I can for you. Don't forget."
Before my pleasure-soaked mind could process his words, before the glittering snow could bewitch me into an inept confession, his lips found mine, his tongue filling my mouth as he buried his cock to the hilt. He may have stopped me from speaking, but his words echoed through me, profound, filling gaps, soothing hurts, spreading a sense of completion.
Wrapping my arms around him, I held him tightly to me, sucked on his tongue, tightened my ass around him, drew him ever closer, wanting him to go as deep as his words, to the very heart of me.
I moaned into his mouth. My dick was throbbing and it was becoming painfully difficult to wait for him to move. I rocked my hips up, encouraging him to fuck me, to bring both of us to our release. His mouth changed its angle on mine, his tongue licking over mine as he began to pull his cock back and then plunge into me in very short, slow, gentle thrusts.
He broke off the kiss, my arms falling from around his shoulders as he planted his free hand beside my head and rose up above me. My gaze followed his, down to where my dick jerked with his every move and his cock slipped in and out of me and my breath caught as I watched his careful movements, his slick shaft disappearing into my body, joining the two of us.
"Sunbae," I moaned, gripping his upper arms, rocking to meet his thrusts.
"I'm not your Sunbae anymore. Call me Hyung." He pulled out further, pounded into me hard. "NamJoon Hyung. Say it."
"NamJoon Hyung, more… I need more."
He suddenly rolled to the side, taking me with him, the hand that still held my knee urging me to hook my leg over his hip and sliding up to grip my asscheek. His other hand tangled into my hair, cupping my head while his mouth returned to mine. He kissed me endlessly, conquering my mouth while the hand on my ass held me in place as he began working his cock into me with powerful lunges, bottoming out each time.
My cries and moans were caught on his tongue, absorbed into his mouth. I pushed my hips into every plunge, wanting him deeper, my walls gripping him, selfishly clinging to his shaft, devouring each movement, all of them pushing me higher and higher, until pleasure was pain and I was still begging for more.
The snowfall had slowed, but it was now back with a vengeance, a snowstorm that swirled through every part of me, obliterating me so that the only thing left was love. Love and NamJoon, everywhere, everything NamJoon.
It felt as if he would fuck me forever, as if the love and the ecstasy had no end and NamJoon was limitless, expanding through me, consuming and cradling me. And I just pushed myself forward, wanting to fall deeper into him. Wanting everything that I had been running from because it was love, waiting for me patiently, embracing me in a heady mix of fire and ice as our bodies strained to seize another moment of euphoria and then another, and another.
"Come with me."
I shattered, quaked, fell to pieces in his arms, shooting hot cum between us as he filled me with his cold seed, clinging to him, pressing my face into his neck, eyes closed, not wanting to open them and see that reality existed beyond the space in his arms.

"I'm staying here." Not a question but a statement. I smiled against the smooth skin of his chest, tucked into his side.
I knew the snow that still piled in drifts throughout my body would soon melt. I didn't know how I'd feel after that happened. Love and loving NamJoon were both more beautiful than I had ever imagined, and just as all-consuming, just as frightening as I'd feared. But I could deal with that later when the snowflakes were gone, after I'd slept another night in his arms and had to face another day.

I sat at my piano in the dark, quietly playing notes. NamJoon was sleeping in my bed, a gently breathing mountain range under the covers, shrouded in darkness. I hadn't slept for long. There was a melody in my mind and words, not for a rap, but for a song. A love song, maybe, the sounds from the piano dark and lonely, lost and searching.
I stood up and went to my office, grabbing a notebook and a pen and returning to sit on the bench in front of the row of black and white keys, gleaming silver in the moonlight. I used my phone for light as I began to jot down ideas for lyrics, words and phrases, ups and downs, disappointments and regrets. It made my heart hurt, it wasn't the sort of thing that I usually wrote, but it had to come out.
I'm not sure how long I sat there, scribbling words, scratching them out, writing new ones, quietly tapping out notes on the piano, working to bring everything together. When I finally looked up and glanced over at the bed, NamJoon was lying with his eyes open, watching me. I felt my cheeks flush, but knew the darkness would cover my embarrassment.
"You smell like a flame," he said, his voice softly riding the darkness.
I looked down at the journal in my hand, not sure how to interpret what he'd said. "I'm working on a song. I hope I didn't wake you up."
"I don't really need to sleep. It's just a way to pass the time," he said. "I like to sleep with you, though. It's comforting."
"I...I see," I said, hesitating to speak, but I did understand what he meant.
"Will you let me hear your song?"
"I...It isn't ready. Right now it's just a mess of notes," I explained. "Maybe when I finish it."
"Come back to bed? I want to hold you."
"Yeah. Yeah, okay."
I climbed into the bed and lay down next to him, sighing as he pulled me into his arms. He was right. It was comforting. I felt safe and good, just good.