Chapter 19 of 20 - only one more to come!
"Are you alright Mrs. Crawley?", came Mr. Barrow's voice from the shadows. He stopped and stood about 6 feet away from her, waiting to see if she'd respond.
"Oh.. yes I am." Isobel hadn't expected to meet anybody outside. She managed to give Thomas Barrow a wry smile, not wanting to seem rude.
"Are you sure?", Barrow asked. He knew it was risky to ask such a straight-forward question, but Mrs. Crawley did look less content than normally. She seemed a bit glum.
Isobel didn't know how to respond. "I suppose it wouldn't be very English of me to complain.", she tried to say it with a laugh, though it wasn't very convincing. She clearly wasn't alright.
Thomas noticed that and thought it would be unkind to leave. He thought back to the War, where he had worked along side Mrs. Crawley at the Downton Hospital. He remembered a night, that took all the energy out of the nurses and hospital helpers. When Dr. Clarkson and Lady Sybil took over the shift that night, Thomas and Mrs. Crawley had gone outside for some fresh air – at first feeling a bit awkward, because they hardly knew each other. But soon, she had started asking him what it was like in the trenches, how Matthew was when Thomas last saw him,… and so they started talking.
Thomas even remembered Isobel shyly asking him for a smoke, explaining that she hadn't smoked since her time as nurse during the South African War, but that the stress and pain surrounding her made it difficult to resist. At first, Thomas was surprised, of course – he only knew Isobel as the mother to the heir of Downton, and Upstairs dinner guest, highly valued and liked by members of the Crawley family as well as the Downton staff – it was a side of her Thomas didn't know existed. But it ended up becoming a habit, every now and then, for them to stand outside during a break from a long shift, talking about the War and life. It was a matter of respect, that both of them never spoke of it to anyone else and kept this between them. Now, a few years later, Thomas reminded himself of those moments for the first time in a long time.
So, remembering what it was like to have a conversation in difficult moments with Mrs. Crawley, Thomas wanted to offer some friendly words. Of all the people at Downton, Mrs. Crawley was the friendliest by far, Thomas thought. When she said, it wouldn't be very English of her to complain, Thomas allowed himself to respond freely. "I don't know. We are all human, we all have difficulties in our lives.", he paused. "Even the English are allowed to complain and have feelings."
He then got out a pack of smokes, opened it, and nodded to Mrs. Crawley, non-verbally asking her if she wanted one. Isobel took it with a thankful smile and lit it with a match Thomas gave her. Then she gave Mr. Barrows words some thought. She did have some negative feelings, but did she want to talk about them? Isobel figured she might be unhappy about Lady Shackelton's words and what they meant about her own situation, but she was sure it didn't compare to anything he, Thomas Barrow, had to live through his whole life. She knew that comparing her situation to Mr Barrow's wasn't fair in the least, because he had it much worse, being, well, an ally of Oscar Wilde, in lack of a better description. But she felt like he could be an interesting conversation partner for this topic. She didn't always know whether he could be trusted, but remembered the conversations they had had during the War, when working in the hospital. So Isobel assumed that it would be wort giving it a shot:
"Mr Barrow… can I ask you a personal question?"
"Of course." He didn't know where Mrs. Crawley was going with that question. But he was willing to find out.
"I was just thinking about the way some of us have it more difficult than others, because of the way society has formed our minds to believe some people are better than others."
Thomas didn't say anything, not knowing where this conversation was going, so he puffed on his cigarette with a questioning look on his face.
"What I'm trying to say", Isobel continued, "is… being a woman is hard enough. But, being a person of colour, or – well – queer, I can't imagine how difficult it is. Society never truly accepts you for who you are. And especially for someone like you… it must be horrible to hide your true self. When you are coloured, you can't hide it and have to deal with the often unpleasant consequences, but when you're queer, you are basically obligated to hide it. You can never truly, openly live your life to the fullest. Can never be true to who you are. So, I believe what want to ask is… how do you cope with it? It must be terribly difficult."
Thomas hadn't expected that. He knew that Mrs. Crawley was a women of intellect, outspoken and much more open-minded than most women of her time. But nonetheless, he had to think twice before responding, not being sure if he'd heard her correctly. Had she actually used the word queer? And spoke of homosexuality as if it were something that should be accepted instead of punished? It took Thomas a moment to realise. Eventually, he found a response.
"I think the hardest part about it isn't having to hide who you are from everyone, but having to be honest with yourself about who you are. To be at peace with it – accepting that you are not normal and many people would probably see you as a criminal. That, if people found out, you would lose your job and social standing, as well as most of your friends,… it's not an easy thing to do."
"No… of course not.", Isobel said, feeling guilty about Mr. Barrow's sad look. How sorry she felt for him, wondering if a hundred years from now, people would be kinder towards men like him.
"Mrs. Crawley, I am aware that by asking this, I am crossing a line. But if I may – what has caused you to ask me about my… about who I am." Thomas wondered if she was somehow trying to find some truth of what he had said in her own situation. There was clearly something that was upsetting her, even though he had no idea what it was.
"I suppose lately I've been thinking a lot about how the world we live in works and that it can be unkind at times." Isobel explained. "Of course I cannot relate to your situation, but at times I find myself wondering why society can't be kinder. It's just… something that Lady Shackelton said earlier won't leave my head."
"Did she offend you?", Thomas was curious. When did Isobel Crawley ever feel offended by the words of someone who disagreed with her?
"Well, not necessarily, no. I assume she didn't know I would feel like her words affected me in any way." She took a deep breath, wondering whether or not she could say what she wanted to say. She decided not to open herself up like a book, but give a vague explanation. "She talked about something that I can relate to in a way, but she was rather negative about it. Her words made me realise that you will always come across people who feel negatively about the way you think the world should be, if it were any nicer."
Mr. Barrow pondered her words for a moment before he replied. "I doubt that will every truly change. People might become more tolerant, but they will always disagree with some. The question is, what do we do when people disagree with us? Do we let them change our mind? Or do we accept our differences and… move on? Shouldn't humanity be about more than just our disagreements and differences? Shouldn't we learn to accept and tolerate each other for being ourselves and having our opinions?"
"I haven't looked at it from that perspective." Isobel responded, rather pleasantly surprised how eloquently Mr. Barrows explained his thoughts.
"Well, it might be something to think about." He bowed. "Then I will leave you to it."
Isobel did think about it. She went outside to be alone, but ended up having an insightful conversation. Maybe Thomas Barrow was a better person than most people gave him credit for. Of course, he brought it on himself in most situations, but Isobel firmly believed there was a good man deep inside of him, who was very misunderstood and acted terribly towards people as a reflection of how he felt. Being able to talk to him in a friendly manner made Isobel realise how much she believed the world would be a nicer place if the people who lived in it had more empathy and sympathy for others.
Lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear the door to the library open behind her.
"I didn't know you smoked.", Tom said in a curious manner, walking out the door.
Isobel took another puff of her cigarette as she turned around and responded "An old habit. Like most doctors and nurses, I started during the South African War." Knowing that the War was a long time ago, she added, "After that I stopped, but then another War happened... Every time I tell myself to stop, another opportunity arises." Isobel saw the surprise in Tom's eyes. "Oh, please don't tell anyone. I'm judging myself enough as it is."
"I'm not judging. I must confess that during my time as chauffeur I joined in frequently when people where smoking in the servant's hall." He gave Isobel's words another thought, that she only smoked when she felt there was a reason. "What was the opportunity tonight?"
"Thomas Barrow.", Isobel replied and brought the cigarette back to her mouth.
"Oh?", Tom raised his eyebrows, "I wouldn't have picked you for the type of person who has a smoke with a footman."
Isobel rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm not the type of person for several things, but here we are. The things some women do with footmen, I suppose…", hinting at the story Lady Shackleton had told about Lady Anstruther.
Tom had to adjust to the way Isobel said that. It had sounded rather harsh and that was only intensified by the fact that she was holding a cigarette in her hand. It was a side of Isobel he didn't know. Nevertheless, he took up the challenge of asking her what's wrong.
Isobel's respond came fast. "Well, you'd think a woman my age, related to a wealthy aristocratic family, would know how to behave. But here I am, smoking a cigarette and talking to my lover, who is much younger than me. Somebody like Lady Shackelton would probably faint if she had any idea about that!"
"Are you offended because of what she said before?", Tom never would've thought Isobel was the kind of woman who would feel personally attacked by someone else's opinion.
"Oh no, why would I be?", Isobel responded as sarcastically as possible. "I mean who would be offended when hearing a well-respected woman go on and on about how terribly vulgar it is when women take on younger lovers, lowering themselves to a level of disgrace that's unacceptable to the upper class! She is right, isn't she? It's absolutely ridiculous."
"Isobel…", Tom gave her arm a gentle squeeze. "She wasn't talking about you. And you know that Lady Shackelton doesn't have a very open-minded view of the world – since when do you care what other people think?"
"I don't know…", Isobel wondered and finished her smoke. "The whole situation was so uncomfortable. The whole time, I could feel Violet's eyes on me, judging me mercilessly. And Robert, Violet and Lady Shackleton just wouldn't let the topic go!"
Tom didn't know how to cheer her up. He understood why Isobel was upset, but knew he couldn't change the fact that the conversation had happened, nor could he change what was said by some. "Do you want to go home?"
"I don't know what I want. Won't it seem strange if I just leave?", Isobel worried.
"I could always ask Violet and Rosamund if they are ready to leave too, then you could leave together after you slip into the Drawing Room again. No one has to know that you were out here."
Isobel thought about that for a moment. "I suppose it sounds like a good plan.", she agreed, looked at Tom and continued, "Would you care to join me?"
Tom smiled. He took it as a good sign that Isobel wanted company. "In order to avoid Mary, Cora or Violet getting suspicious, I suggest I'll stay here after you leave and come visit you later – if that's fine."
"It is, I don't think after an evening like this I can just soundly go to sleep, I'll probably think everything over a few times and stay up for a while."
"You can do so before I come visit you.", Tom suggested, "and then we can talk about whatever you want."
And so they went back inside and Isobel quietly slipped into the Drawing Room again, while Tom stayed in the Great Hall to thank Mary for being so kind to Isobel and letting him know she was outside. He had to think about a way to politely ask the Dowager Countess if she wanted to leave with Isobel. When he went back to the Drawing Room with Mary, he could see Violet getting up from her chair and asking Isobel if she wanted to leave. The latter nodded and so the two ladies, accompanied by Rosamund, went to the door.
Tom approached them and said "You can say your goodbyes, I'll ask for your driver to bring the car to the front door."
A few minutes later, Violet, Rosamund and Isobel made their way to the entrance hall, where Mr. Carson waited to help them put on their coats, before he went back to the Drawing Room. Mary and Tom were there to see their departing guests off.
"Goodbye Isobel", Mary said, before she went over to Violet, "goodbye Granny. Rosamund, are you still planning on joining us for lunch tomorrow?", Mary asked, turning to her aunt.
"If you'll have me.", Rosamund replied with a smile. The two exchanged some more smalltalk while Tom said goodbye to Violet.
After saying goodbye to Rosamund too, Tom went to Isobel with a smile. "Goodbye Isobel.", he said and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you later." Isobel whispered before she and the other two went outside to the car to be taken home.
Tom closed the door and turned back to Mary, who gave him a questioning look. "Was Isobel outside that whole time?"
"She was.", Tom said, leaving out the part where Isobel smoked with Thomas Barrow. "I guess it was good to get some fresh air and a few minutes of peace and quiet."
"Don't we all need that sometimes.", Mary asked rhetorically.
"We definitely do. Now let's go back inside. We mustn't let Evelyn leave tonight without giving us more of an insight to his latest work. Maybe a few tips about managing estates will slip from his lips."
So Tom and Mary went back to the Drawing Room. As Isobel was on her way home to contemplate all of the thoughts in her head, Tom wondered how they would keep discussing them once he went to her house later on.
END OF CHAPTER 19
Author's Note: I'm curious to hear what you think about this conversation! I really wanted to write this between Isobel and Thomas Barrow, but to make it more authentic I decided to give them a little backstory. It would have been a bit strange for them to talk so openly out of nowhere. But in my head, so many things happened in Season 2 during the War, so here is my little backstory - I hope you like it!
Author's Note 2: So there is only one more chapter to come! I'm so excited, because I knew what I wanted the end to be right from the beginning, and now I found a way to write it. But it will take me a while to finish - thanks for sticking with the story this far, can't wait to share Chapter 20!
Author's Note 3: Since some of you might be wondering: I firmly believe everyone at Downton knew about Thomas' sexuality, even thought it as hardly ever mentioned upstairs. And Isobel seems like one of the few characters who could bring up the subject without being awkward or unkind.