A/N: trigger warning- mentions of self-harm

Astra Blishwick – twenty-one

By Tuesday evening Astra wanted the floor to swallow her up and end it all. Her friends were all still being cool with her and the increasing amount of time she was spending with Iola Black wasn't helping things.

That morning she'd overheard Venusia and Elias talking with Cicero Lovegood and Clem Longbottom.

"Maybe she's just trying to make the transition easier for all of you." Clem was saying, "Y'know, make a move over to the pureblood side before the end of the year so it doesn't hurt you all so much when you never see her again."

"Astra wouldn't do that." Venusia sighed, "She's stubborn as a bull, she wouldn't give in to her family's demands even if it meant living as a clown for the rest of her life."

"She might make a good clown, the way she's acting at the moment." Elias suggested.

Astra heard Venusia scold him.

"Maybe she was a slippery serpent all along and none of you realised it." Cicero Lovegood said dreamily, "Maybe she's been using that Slytherin cunning this entire time and you all fell for the act."

Astra had stormed away; she'd heard more than enough. In fairness, she didn't care one iota for the opinion of Cicero Lovegood, but it just served to make her angrier, both with her friends and with herself.

She had spent lunch alone in the library, trying and failing to study. Iola had found her there and asked if she was alright. Astra had made some sort of non-committed answer and then Iola had asked about the Gestation Numbing Potion.

"I haven't had the chance!" Astra had snapped furiously.

Iola had scurried away at this, looking hurt and confused. Astra didn't have the willpower to go after her and apologise. What would she say anyway? 'I'm sorry I yelled at you but one of my friends called me a clown this morning and I just can't cope anymore.'

She had become so frustrated with almost everything going on in her life at that moment that she completely forgot about her detention with Prince until she was already half an hour late. She bolted out of the common room and down the corridor, not slowing down until she reached the potions classroom door and knocked desperately, her breath coming in short gasps.

"Come in." Augustin's voice came through the door and Astra yanked it open and darted inside.

"You're late." He observed, taking in her untidy appearance.

"I'm sorry, Professor." Astra apologised, "Lot on my mind." She mumbled.

"Indeed." Augustin did not sound convinced at all. He told her to brew a calming draught without instructions and then returned to his marking without waiting for her to speak.

Astra dejectedly headed toward the general supply cabinet and started prepping everything. She had studied this potion a few weeks ago but wasn't sure she could quite remember exactly how to brew it. Her mind was tired, and she wanted to be asleep, in bed, where she couldn't mull everything over again and make herself feel ill.

"When can I see Eily again, Professor?" she found herself asking as she sat there, stirring.

Augustin looked up at her and narrowed his eyes.

"Are you alright, Miss Blishwick?" he enquired.

"Huh?" Astra squinted back at him, wondering why he hadn't answered her question.

"Because you're currently stirring an empty cauldron."

Astra looked down and realised he was right. She stopped her movements sheepishly and dropped the stirrer.

"I'm just worried about Eily." She lied. Well, it wasn't entirely a lie. Eily was one of many things she was worried about.

"Your sister is unable to receive visitors for the moment. She is still ill." Augustin said blankly and returned to his paperwork.

Astra, exhausted from the growing crop of anxieties in her mind and frustrated with his secretive attitude towards her own sister, banged her ingredients down on the desk, stood up and stalked towards Augustin.

She slammed her palms down onto his paperwork and yelled, "Stop hiding things from me!"

He raised his head and she saw his blue eyes flash from behind strands of his dark hair. She was suddenly very aware that he was a tall, thirty-five-year-old man and she was a pretty weak, shorter woman who was only six months into being an official adult.

Augustin stood from his own seat and placed his hands down opposite her own, leaning forward to meet her intense glare.

"Why should I?" he said in a deadly quiet tone, "When you continue to hide things from me, Miss Blishwick?"

Astra blanched. That wasn't fair. She wasn't withholding information about his family.

"You look like death warmed up, Miss Blishwick, and I can't help but assume that the secrets you are hoarding have something to do with it." He bit the words out.

"I didn't come here to be interrogated by you." Astra snarled.

"Then why did you come here?" he challenged.

This was ridiculous, Astra thought. He knew exactly why she was here. He'd ordered it.

"I came here because you told me to. I came here because you decided that it was an appropriate punishment for attacking Aisling Rosier. I came here because I fought another student for calling my sister a freak. I came here because I love my sister and I'm constantly worried about her and you won't tell me when I can see her!" Astra hadn't meant to shout at him, but she needed him to understand. She had to know what was wrong with Eily. It was the single most important thing on the planet to her at that point in time.

"She's the only person I've got right now." Astra realised out loud, her voice cracking, somewhat overdramatically.

Augustin seemed to realise that Astra was on the edge of having a breakdown and he leaned back, sitting down in his chair again. He advised her to fetch a chair and sit opposite him. She did so, taking up a place across from his desk.

"Your sister has had to remain in the hospital for some time, Astra, and the staff are not sure when she can go home. They have discovered that she has been…harming herself when left to her own devices. It is not a safe mindset for her to be in when she has a new-born baby." Augustin watched her closely as she digested this information.

"It's my fault." She whispered.

"What?" Augustin knitted his brows, "What are you talking about? It has nothing to do with you, Astra."

"When we were at Eily and Valentin's for Halloween, I overheard the house elves looking for sharp objects in Eily's room. They- they said she was up to something she shouldn't be and I- I didn't know what they meant at the time but it should've been obvious and I just- I just didn't think and I didn't say anything when I should have and I- I- I-"

But Augustin had rounded the desk and enveloped her now shaking form in his arms. It was, undoubtedly, the most unprofessional and inappropriate thing he had ever done but Astra was grateful for it.

"Shh." He told her gently, "It is not your fault. This has been going on for far longer than Halloween. And Valentin knew it. If the blame lies with anyone, it is him"

That made sense. The house-elves had said something about their Master punishing them if they didn't find what they were looking for. So it followed on logically that Valentin had known about it. It didn't alleviate Astra's guilt though. She had been so focused on trying to get Iola's potion that she hadn't really stopped to consider Eily herself. She had known there was something wrong but had reassured herself that her sister would be fine if she could go home. If she could return to that house, that house that she had obviously hated. That house that had made her so unhappy she had hurt herself. And Astra has wanted her to back there just for a stupid potion.

But it wasn't a stupid potion! Iola's friend needed that potion. Despite Bob's cheery appearance when they had visited, both Iola and Michael had assured her that the redheaded woman was being violently sick most mornings and not sleeping nearly as much as she should do. Much like Eily.

Astra didn't realise she was crying until Augustin wiped her tears away with his thumb. He rooted around inside his robes and pulled out a handkerchief, handing it to her. Astra muttered a quick "Thanks."

She hated that she was crying in front of him. If he was at all surprised by it, he kept it hidden.

She was also conflicted now. She knew she still wanted to help Iola, to get the potion for her, but she also did not want to put Eily in any danger. And, currently, those two desires did not seem to be compatible.

Swallowing her instinct to run from the classroom and never speak to Augustin again, she balled her hands into fists and said, "I don't know what to do anymore."

It felt both terrifying and thrilling to be so disgustingly honest and vulnerable. Augustin had released her from his arms and was sitting back in own seat, still studying her.

"Talk to me, Astra." He prompted gently, "I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"I can't." she said thickly, her throat stinging immensely.

"Astra, have I ever given you cause to doubt me?" He asked, lifting her chin tenderly and meeting her tear stained eyes.

She shook her head, sniffling, "But I can't. I can't tell you, I promised."

Augustin thought for a moment and then said, "Can you show me?"

She bit her lip. It was all just so complicated. She wanted to help everyone and for some reason it wasn't possible. She had wanted to be there for Kendra when she got engaged. She had wanted to be there for Eily when she had suffered so badly on Halloween. She had wanted to be able to provide Bob and Iola with Gestation Numbing Potion. She had wanted to reassure her friends that they would still be her friends even after they all left Hogwarts. She had wanted to hex Constantin to kingdom come and follow her own dreams.

But she couldn't. And she was sick of that excuse.

"I- I can." She croaked, blinking more tears away.

He offered her a small smile and then took her hand, rubbing his thumb across her palm comfortingly.

"Are you sure, Astra? If you don't want me in your head, you need to say now."

"I'm sure. I trust you." She said, gripping his hand.

He sensed her fear, "It won't hurt." he murmured.

She took a deep breath and met his eyes. And then she felt it. It was like she was being forced to replay her memories whilst a foreign entity watched them with her. She had no choice in what came next; one moment she was watching herself greet her friends on platform nine and three quarters, the next she was standing in a crowd, cheering on Matilde Northern and Kerrick Shacklebolt as they hugged each other. Even worse, she could feel her emotions all over again. As she watched Matilde and Kerrick congratulate each other, she felt herself feeling envious. And she hadn't even recognised that emotion at the time! But now, watching it with Augustin in her head, she could sense the jealousy inside herself.

I want that, her memory self thought. I want someone to want me.

And then she was in the closet with Iola, watching the small girl sway with excitement all over again. Immediately, images of Bob flickered through her head and the memory of Iola holding the redhead's hand came up.

They're so in love. Just like everyone else. How will I ever find something like that? I don't feel that way about anybody…

Next her wrist was being gripped again by Eily's desperate hands. The heavily pregnant woman started howling at her, pleading with her, and Astra yelled for her mother.

I can't deal with this. I don't know what to do. Someone help me, please!

And then she was back in Eily and Valentin's cellar, learning how to take down the wards guarding the potions. Astra could feel Augustin inside her mind, making the connection between Iola's request and Astra's desire to learn the location and accessibility of Eily and Valentin's potions. She was willing to bet that this revelation would make him angry. She tried her best to think of something else.

"Let me in, Astra." She heard his voice and felt him squeeze her hand.

She gritted her teeth and relented, returning to the memory. She watched Augustin take her arm and guide her wand movements in the dark cellar. And then her feelings washed over her. Again, it was surprising to her that she could feel now emotions she hadn't even been aware of at the time.

This is nice. This is comforting. I like being held like this.

Astra shocked herself with her bluntness. She prayed that there was no more to come and prepared herself to pull away from Augustin but then it all stopped.

She met his eyes again in the potions classroom and he was pursing his lips.

"You have an incredibly… active… mind, Astra." He said slowly, "We may be here for some time."