Ruth arrived back in her office feeling…well, she wasn't quite sure how she was feeling. She was feeling quite a lot of things. Her strange meeting with Harry was weighing on her mind. And, as was usual with Harry, the things weighing on her had absolutely nothing to do with work.

Her mind spun over all the little personal things they had discussed and how much more they hadn't. Harry wasn't sleeping around anymore. That was good, wasn't it? He wasn't making reckless personal decisions, wasn't taking advantage of younger women and being a lecherous old man. Well, he wasn't an old man and she maintained that. Sixty wasn't so old. Not anymore. Not on Harry. And not considering that Ruth herself was about to turn forty-four.

She had told him that she'd ended things with Andrew and he'd said 'oh.' What had that meant? Was he surprised? Was he as pleased with that development as she was with his? Did he feel that it was the best thing for her as she did for him? And was it possible that he might entertain the idea of something happening between them now that they were both wholly unattached?

Well, Ruth herself did not know if she was actually entertaining the possibility of romance with Harry. It would be a bad idea, wouldn't it? She was just starting to get to a level of professional friendliness with him. He was trusting her to go to his house to collect his dog and watch her over the long weekend while he was on this operation. That was a big step in the right direction for them. For as much as Ruth had smashed his heart to bits over the years, she knew that Harry had always trusted her. He'd confided in her during their early days. He'd taken her with him to Iran to smuggle out that uranium and told only her where he'd stashed it. He'd wanted to marry her. He'd committed treason to rescue her. He'd wanted a whole life with her. Harry Pearce, the man who had been broken by the world time and again had found Ruth Evershed worthy of his trust and of his love. And she had squandered it. How could he ever possibly think of forgiving her for all of that? Even if she did want him. She wasn't sure she did.

No, that wasn't true. She knew she did. She always had and always would. She just didn't quite know how to make her wants and desires a feasible reality.

"Is everything alright?"

Ruth looked up to see Maria staring at her with mildly horrified concern. "Work-wise, everything is fine. Section D has all the reports. They head to Reading tomorrow. Everything is in hand. We've done our job for them," she said, hoping to pacify her assistant.

"Okay, but is everything else alright? Because…well, I'm sorry, Ruth, but you don't look alright."

Maria was right. And Ruth knew she'd never been very good at maintaining a stoic expression. Harry used to say he always knew what she was feeling even if he didn't quite know what she was thinking to cause those feelings. Everything always showed in her face. Terrible for a spook. Terrible for a bureaucrat, too, it turned out.

Ruth's shoulders sagged in defeat. There was no use trying to keeping this up. And she didn't really want to. She checked her watch. Four-fifteen. Close enough.

"Are you doing anything tonight?" Ruth finally said after an awkward silence.

"No, Miles is at his darts club tonight," Maria answered.

Ruth paused to smile. "Darts club?"

Maria blushed. "I know, it's awful, I'm marrying a darts player. It's the weirdest thing, he's this high-powered finance executive and he spends two nights every week at a pub on the East End playing darts."

"That's rather nice, actually. The best people are the ones who have a bit of unpredictability about them. But since you're free, how would you like to come out with me tonight? Because frankly everything is not alright, and I could use a drink with someone other than my cat to keep me company."

"That's my specialty," Maria replied with a laugh. "I'm great for a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on and picking up a tab on a credit card that Miles pays for."

"Well, hopefully I won't need a shoulder to cry on, but I'll gladly accept the others. Shall we?"

Maria's eyes went wide. "Ruth, it's not even five yet."

"So? What are we doing? I've got email on my mobile if anyone needs me for anything. We aren't exactly a vital branch of government. There's nothing that needs doing that can't be done tomorrow. And I'm your boss and I'm telling you to come drinking with me."

"Where do you want to go?" she asked, shutting down her computer and grabbing her coat.

The next thing Ruth knew, she and Maria were sitting across from each other in a booth at a dimly lit bar drinking martinis. Perhaps not the smartest thing to do, but Ruth was looking to pour her heart out and not being naturally inclined to such a thing, she needed an extra bit of gin to get her there.

"So can I guess this has to do with Harry?" Maria asked after they toasted and taking a sip of her drink.

Ruth took a large swallow and tried to figure out where to start. "It's always about Harry," she confessed. And it was true. Everything that had really meant anything in her life over the last decade was about Harry. Or even if it wasn't directly about him, he was certainly a part of it.

"You said you worked for him at Section D. But that's not all, is it?"

"You're a very smart girl, Maria." Ruth took another big swallow. Her martini was nearly gone.

Maria watched Ruth flag down a barmaid to ask for another round in anticipation. "You sort of remind me of Harry right now. Which I never would have imagined from you."

"How do I remind you of Harry?" Ruth asked, feeling the warmth of the alcohol settle inside her. It was calming her down. Loosening her up. She was starting to feel less mixed up. Less frazzled.

"This sort of quiet, sad, grumpy, defeated quality. He was always charming with me, particularly when we would go back to my place and he was getting into my bed, but he's got this brooding way about him. And you, right now, are acting the same way."

"Well, I'm not going to try and charm my way into your bed," Ruth quipped.

Maria laughed, "See, and that's something Harry would say!"

Ruth sighed. "Harry and I are more alike than I'd like to think. I can't say I'm surprised, though. He made me who I am. When I was your age, Maria, I was unrecognizable from the person I am now. Everything I am is because of Harry Pearce."

"How so?" she asked.

And so Ruth told her. She told Maria about how she had first found Harry to be intimidating and odd, charming in an almost menacing way. She'd gravitated towards Tom Quinn at first, feeling more comfortable with a man she could relate to more. But as Tom started to falter and Harry was the rock they all relied on, her allegiance shifted.

Ruth had looked to Harry for guidance in all things. She felt herself soften toward him, to see past his gruff exterior to the soft heart inside. Her terror over him getting shot and being desperate to see him and get a message to him. The way the two of them had bonded in caring for Wes Carter when Adam was unable to do so. And the quiet moments between them that had turned Ruth's affection and admiration for Harry into a burning desire that consumed her. The night on the bus during his suspension. The moment in the hallway after breaking Angela Wells. Moments that, one by one, meant very little but combined to shift her whole world.

"We went on one date. He was so nervous to ask me to dinner. It was adorable actually. He babbled about Charlie Chaplin, of all things. And I said yes. We went to dinner and we had a wonderful time and he took me home and kissed me goodnight like a perfect gentleman."

"Perfect gentleman? That doesn't sound like Harry," Maria said. "I mean, he was always sweet and he wasn't a total bastard to me, but it was very clear what he was after and that he was just saying what he need to in order to get what he wanted."

Ruth shook her head. "It was different with me. Not to be uncharitable to you but…erm…I think Harry's a bit different when he loves someone."

Maria smiled softly. "Most people are."

Ruth went on to explain how she'd been horrified to hear that Malcolm and everyone else on the Grid knew she'd gone out with Harry and she'd broken it off with him right away, running scared based on what people were saying or might possibly say. She could trust Harry and love him, but it was everyone else she didn't have any faith in. She knew, even then, that the outside world beyond she and Harry alone was not a kind place and was not a place where they could be safe. Cotterdam proved that.

The exact details of the Cotterdam mess and what Ruth had done as a result were not details she was at liberty to share, so she only gave a brief overview to Maria. The same with her exile. She merely mentioned that she had hidden all around Europe and ended up in Cyprus where she met a kind doctor and agreed to live with him and help raise his young son. Only to be dragged back to be tied up and emotionally tortured with Harry.

"George was killed and Nico was orphaned and sent back to George's sister. And I was broken beyond belief. The guilt I had left me unwilling to trust anyone. I wanted to hate Harry for what he'd done to me, for making me suffer like that. But I couldn't. He was the only person who understood. And I understood him always. I ended up back on the Grid because I had nowhere else to go. Harry managed to get my identity back and my security clearance, and he got me a flat through Five so I wasn't completely stranded."

"Oh Ruth, that's awful," Maria said sympathetically.

She laughed darkly and finished off her second martini. Ruth was getting on quite a roll now. She continued, "I was senior analyst at Section D for two years. I worked with a core team of eight people including me and Harry. Three of those other six died. And another one died shortly after I left again. One's still there with Harry. Another one got fired. Because that's what happens on the Grid. Death and destruction. No one seems to get out. And if they do, it's in a body bag. I've got one friend who retired. He saved Nico's life and gave me a hug when I was rescued from that warehouse, and then he left. Only Harry seems to have survived relatively intact. I couldn't do it."

"What made you finally leave?"

Ruth did not know if she was able to explain Albany. She certainly didn't want to. "I can't give details, and of course Harry was exonerated, but essentially, I was kidnapped and put on an intravenous drip with a drug that would have killed me in three hours if Harry did not hand over something top secret. And he did. To save me, Harry committed treason. He loved me enough to commit treason to save my life. And while he was suspended and I was on medical leave, we stayed together for a few days. In his bed. Together. Happy. For the first time ever, we could be together and happy."

Maria frowned. "And then you left?"

She nodded. "It was a fantasy. None of it could be real. He had an official enquiry to defend, I would go back to work. Things would go back to how they were. And I'd gotten an offer from the Home Secretary at the time who persuaded me that my career at Five had gone as far as it could, which was true. And then the Foreign Secretary made me another offer. He told me that I could have more opportunity outside of the United Kingdom. So I accepted. And I left. I told Harry over the phone because I…I couldn't break his heart again."

"But now you're back and you're working with Harry in this new way and the both of you are all mixed up, is that it?"

Ruth nodded again.

Maria took a slow sip of her martini, considering all that Ruth had told her. "It seems to me, Ruth, that you've spent a lot of time listening to other people. You gave in to pressure from your coworkers to break it off with Harry. You let the Home Secretary take you from Harry and you let the Foreign Secretary take you away from London. And I think it's fair to say that you love Harry, is that right?"

"Yes," Ruth confirmed softly. Yes, she loved him. More than anything in the world, she loved him. With a desperate, passionate need, she loved him. She loved him irrevocably and unconditionally. She'd tried not to, but to absolutely no avail. She was stuck.

"So why is it that you'll listen to everyone else but him? Harry's a smart man and he's got a way of making things work out. You've never let him try to make things better, you've just been persuaded by others that it wouldn't work. You weren't even persuaded by your own heart, Ruth!" Maria said emphatically.

Despite three martinis in rapid succession, Ruth had a sudden moment of clarity. She'd never thought of it that way, but Maria was absolutely right. In all those years, Ruth had never listened to her heart and she certainly had never listened to Harry when it came to the personal side of things. Why was that? Why couldn't she trust him in their relationship the way she always had in their work? And why, when she had always trusted her logical and rational mind in all things, could she never seem to trust her heart?

"I think we need to get some food in you," Maria noted, seeing Ruth's eyes glaze over.

Ruth agreed, but she was barely listening. She had a lot to think about. She needed to think, yes, but she needed to think and decide what to do. Because that's all there was to it. She had to do something.