A/N: i've been asked quite a lot whether Ahsoka is making another appearance in the story - yes, she is! several chapters from now, though, so please bear with me hahahah
Padmé, Leia, and Han all waited outside the medical bay in silence, each facing a different direction, as they waited for the medical droids to work on Luke Skywalker.
Dawn was starting to leave them and the dark sky was turning into shades of purple. Although nobody dared to address it, they were all exhausted. Having to go after a missing Jedi in the middle of the night, with little — if any — sleep was a hazardous task, especially to Padmé, who hadn't fought in a war for over twenty years.
Although nobody admitted it, they were all mentally drafting a way to tell Luke that his actions had been irrational and foolish. From a gentle mother's advice from Padmé, to a smack in the back of the head from Han, to a lot of impolite yelling from Leia.
It didn't help that neither of them knew the reasons behind Luke's reckless deeds. Perhaps that was the main reason on why no one dared to give in to their fatigue and try to grab a few hours of sleep while Luke remained perfectly safe under the care of the droids — because they were too unsettled with the prospect that something bad haunted Luke, something that was on the way to steal the pretense of peace the last weeks of the Civil War had achieved.
That thought remained in everybody's mind; still, everybody preferred the tension of silence over the possibility of discussing an evil force coming on their way.
After they had gotten Luke safely to the medbay, Padmé excused herself briefly to change, considering that the blouse she wore had been torn in half when she assessed Luke's wound back in the Jedi Temple. Leia no longer cared about appearances or even the possibility of being seen wandering through the base at the crack of dawn, and she still wore the white linen shirt of Han's that he had handed her back in the Falcon, so big that it suited her as a dress.
To everybody's surprise, Padmé returned to the waiting room carrying all sorts of bags of chips and crackers, while having a holder with three cups on her other hand. How she had managed to break into the kitchen to bring them those tiny meals was unclear, however, Han and Leia were too settled into the comfort of their lethargy to ask any questions.
Caring little, Padmé simply threw the snacks over the table in front of the seats where the couple was seated, before offering each their respectful beverages — a Spiran caff for him, a hot chocolate for Leia, and espresso for her. Han accepted his cup without any thought to it; Leia, however, stared at the cup with suspicion.
Padmé, not in the mood for any other tumult, simply took the empty seat next to Leia. Yes, she wouldn't lie about it, she had been studying every little personal trait of the three of them — even of Han, considering that he just came in the package — as a way of scoring points with them, with Leia. Maybe that wasn't the best occasion to show Leia that she was determined to make every effort possible, even memorizing her preferable beverage; maybe, under any other circumstance, Leia would have appreciated her intention — honestly, Padmé was too tired to overthink it as of now.
As it happened, so was Leia, who simply shrugged a few moments later and allowed the heat of the mug to warm her hand. She leaned back on the seat, head resting against the wall, legs far stretched in front of her, and closed her eyes. She hadn't meant to fall asleep, no, but she soon entered a state of semi-consciousness where her mind took her to places she hadn't been in a long time.
The safety of her home in the palace of Aldera; the warmth of Queen Breha's embrace after she had fallen and scratched her knee; her father carrying her on his shoulders so she'd be on the top of the world. The peaceful diplomatic journeys between Alderaan and Coruscant aboard the Tantive IV; Prince Escort Bail Organa running after her in the public gardens of Aldera; her mother teaching her how to do her hair. Her first heartbreak at the age of sixteen; the tiresome job of trying to make herself heard in the Imperial Senate floor; crying on her father's arms after she saw injustice happening in front of her own eyes, and the pain of not being able to do everything to save those in need being too unbearable for her to breathe. Vader holding her by the shoulder to force her to witness the destruction of Alderaan; the darkness of her soul upon the realization she was completely alone in the world; a chain around her neck stealing her of her—
"Your Highness."
Leia's eyes shot open at the sound of her title, a little bit disorientated after being so abruptly pulled from her semi dream state. She looked at the officer standing a few feet away with dreadful eyes — it was clear that he wasn't comfortable at being there, for being the one disturbing the princess in her tiredness. Leia's start soon became annoyance as he favored looking at the far war than at her, all because she wore a male shirt rather than her typical elegant dresses.
Leia was sick of it; she was tired of people worshipping her, treating her as some sort of deity, rather than an average person. She wasn't a goddess, she was merely a human.
She was thankful for Han gently placing his hand over her thigh, stopping her from snapping at him for taking so long to start talking.
He only did it given the intense glare the monarch gave him, that he could feel on him even if he didn't look back at her. "Madam Mon Mothma has requested somebody to go see her at her office. She's looking for an explanation over the events of today, and she is not very pleased."
Leia sighed heavily — of course, Mon Mothma wouldn't be pleased; nobody was. Now, she had to go fix Luke's mess when she didn't even know what the mess was about. She would have to leave the comfort of that most uncomfortable chair, find something suitable to face the High Council, and have the most inconvenient talk with her peers and superiors — most who already didn't give her much credit and looked down on just the princess that she was, unaware of how the world worked.
Even if—nobody knew that better than her.
"Alright, I'll be there as soon as possible."
The officer nodded, curtsying respectfully, and was about to leave when Han's rough voice called up to him.
"Did she ask for Leia specifically?"
He looked a little surprised, especially for hearing the princess being addressed so informally. "No, sir. She didn't specify."
"Okay. Scram, now."
Leia had to repress her laughter at Han's lack of manners in dismissing the man, even more at how awkward the office's departure had been, with him unsure whether he could turn on his back or not and eventually slamming his arm against the wall. Once he was gone, Leia beamed freely at Han.
"You'd be a great diplomat," Leia teased, leaning her tired body against his arm rather than getting on her feet and following her duty. "I think it's time for a career change."
"I think you might be right," he said with a stiff nod, giving her a quick kiss to the temple and all of sudden getting up. "In fact, I think I might start right now."
Leia suddenly frowned; even Padmé, who had been respecting their privacy, abruptly gazed at the smuggler.
"Han…? What are you—"
"Shh," he politely silenced her, both his hands on his hips in a stance that was comical for everyone but him. "You two stay put. I will deal with Mon Mothma's pointless inquiries."
Padmé genuinely looked scared, "I don't think that's a good idea."
Han's face became incredulous. "You're doubting my eloquency, Padmé?"
"Eloquence," Leia corrected him, the hand over her mouth hiding her smirk muffing the sound of her voice.
Naturally, Han simply erased the past five seconds of his life. "You're doubting my eloquence, Padmé?"
Padmé stared at him blankly. "I don't know, you make a pretty strong case against yourself ."
Feigning a hurt expression, he clicked his tongue, "Alright, then, guess I'll just go off and prove how articulate I can be. Don't be surprised when they hire me and fire Leia ."
Smugly — and not giving them the chance to argue against his insane idea — he walked away, leaving a very perplexed Padmé and an amused Leia behind.
He smiled to himself, knowing that, for the briefest moment, Leia wouldn't have to worry about anything more.
Padmé harshly glanced at Leia, "You're not going to stop him?!"
Little caring for appearances, Leia pulled one of her legs up the chair, hugging it slightly. "Why should I?!"
"Well, for starters, he's about to make a fool of himself…!"
"Right?!" Leia hissed, smirking at her. "My only regret is that I can't be the fly in the High Council room to spy on him."
A little bit incredulous, Padmé felt comfortable enough to join her in her laughter. Leaning back again, she sipped on her drink.
"He really loves you, you know."
Just like that, Leia's smirk was replaced with a grim. "Yes, I do know, but thanks for pointing that out."
Unable to miss the sarcastic tone behind her voice, Padmé wisely chose to ignore it. "No, Leia. He worships you."
Tired both of the day and from whatever direction Padmé's conversation was aiming at, Leia pulled yet her other leg up. She wasn't very fond of Padmé's word choice — nobody should be worshipped; people were just… people, and holding them in a pedestal only led them to delusions of grandeur, that could very well make a small politician from a Mid Rim world the most dreaded human in the entire galaxy — although Leia wouldn't ever call Emperor Palpatine a human.
"Thank you for the memorandum, Padmé."
Padmé rubbed her eyes; if asked, she wouldn't be able to tell where she wanted to go with that. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, Han is a good person. Not many men would go out of their way to talk to a room full of politicians and generals that most likely hate him. He genuinely cherishes you, and isn't afraid of making a fool of himself just to take care of you."
Leia's expression didn't as much as flinch — was Padmé trying to step into her parents' shoes and give her the love and sex talk that her real parents hadn't had the chance to give her?
If so, that was way out of line.
"I believe I know my own relationship better than you, Padmé."
"Yes, I'd be worried if that weren't true," Padmé elaborated, "However, because you're inside the relationship, you often don't see for yourself the things that an outsider would."
"You don't have to remind me that Han loves me," Leia all but spat, "He's already pretty transparent about it himself."
"You're not listening to what I'm saying, Leia," Padmé sighed, at last sharing some of the irritation that her daughter was feeling at that moment.
"You're not very interesting with this conversation, Padmé," Leia mimicked her tone, although adding a spice of mockery to it.
"Alright. Perhaps I should be blunter, then," Padmé prompted, "I don't think you realize the depth of his worry for you. I think you're so exhausted from your inner troubles that you fail to see that he's constantly gazing at you with worry, praying, just praying that you won't drift further away from him. And honestly, Leia, I can't blame him for hovering."
Throwing her head back, Leia suddenly learned it to be far more appealing to look at the random figures made of dust in the ceiling above them. "And I think, Padmé, that you've been here for five minutes. You know nothing of Han and I's relationship."
Pouting with her lips, Padmé decided to be bold — completely aware that she would pay the price for it afterward. "He told me about this himself."
Except—Padmé became alarmed at Leia's reaction. The princess threw her feet back to the floor and turned aside to shoot the mother eyes of fire; big and full of rage, threatening to burn everything that came in their way.
" No. He wouldn't betray me like that."
Padmé's eyes were enlarged; she had quickly drafted every possible response that would come from Leia — that hadn't even come closer to her guessing. Above all, it did hurt a little to be considered the bane of everything bad in Leia's life.
"He didn't betray you, Leia. All he's ever done, ever since I've arrived here, is to express his concern for you."
Leia turned back ahead, no longer standing to look at her, and leaned on her knees to whisper angrily to herself, "I'll be the judge of that."
Padmé damned herself; this time, she had really messed up. Of course, she had already messed up enough times as she tried to bond with the princess, but she had possibly just endangered the love relationship of her daughter. She knew Leia not to be in a good mindset at the moment, so if any outburst came to happen — it would be completely Padmé's fault.
All because she had betrayed Han's trust in her.
"I'm sorry, Leia," she spoke from her heart, "I didn't mean to—"
"I'll thank you for being silent about matters that do not concern you," Leia harshly cut her off, having hidden her every physical feature from the older woman.
Unfortunately for both of them, Padmé wasn't the kind of person to be easily put in her place. "Something did concern me, though, earlier today. When we were rescuing Luke."
Leia groaned loudly, too loudly, and accused mercilessly, "There's no way of shutting you up, is there? Sith —you're worse than Luke."
What Leia wouldn't be able to know was that Padmé took pride in being compared to Luke, even if not in a good manner. "We had just found Luke when he pointed out that his lightsaber had been left behind. Although he was already preoccupied, Han was ready to drop Luke over me so he would go back into the room where all the bad had happened just so you wouldn't, even though you were the most capable of doing so, and Han looked like he was ready to kill me when I suggested you should go. Why did you think he reacted like that?"
"You'd have to ask him," Leia replied coldly, disinterested, and only said that because she knew that Padmé wouldn't dare to go to him after the blow she had just caused to their relationship.
"That wasn't what bothered the most, though," Padmé paced slowly and carefully. "Once you came back, you were… astray. Your face was paler than usual, your eyes were blank and you were absent from your surroundings until the end of the mission, until we arrived back in Coruscant and you left the privacy of yours and Han's chamber."
Unconsciously, Leia shivered, and her immediate reflex was to detach herself from the moment — she separated her mind from her body, so the bad memories wouldn't reach her. She had acquired that ability while working in the Senate during her childhood, in order not to lose her patience or her heart over the absurdities and the cruelty she would witness there. She remembered how dazzled her father had become when she told him of her technique, and now she wasn't so sure whether that was something everyone could do, or simply one of her innate powers as a Force sensitive person.
"You left me worried, Leia, and you left Han worried," Padmé continued, once she was only met with silence. Maybe appealing to the emotional aspect hadn't been her smartest move, but she was so anxious about the situation that she could no longer think strategically.
"You are always worried," was Leia's only answer.
Padmé was about to place her hand on her back when the memories of the last time she had tried to touch the princess flourished through her mind. She backed away. "Maybe, but have you ever considered that we have reason to be worried?"
"No," Leia retorted, at last getting back on her feet. With one arm crossed over her chest, she had no idea why she still clung to that paper cup so tightly, or why she hadn't simply thrown it away once Padmé started to get on her nerves, or why, for the Force, she perceived a sense of comfort from the fact that someone had bothered to pay her enough attention to learn what her favorite beverage was.
"There's no need to be hostile, Leia," Padmé said calmly, bringing her cup to her lips. "This is just a conversation. I'm not interrogating you."
Maybe, if Padmé had used any other words, Leia would have sustained her composure. Maybe, if Padmé hadn't deceived the act of interrogating in such a ridiculing tone, Leia wouldn't have felt shivers of anxiety rushing through her body. Maybe, just maybe, if Padmé hadn't so explicitly stated that Leia wasn't under interrogation, Leia wouldn't have interpreted it as such. Maybe, if Padmé only kept pestering her, Leia wouldn't have been sent back to her holding cell in the Death Star, where her captors had done everything but to simply interrogate her. Maybe, if Padmé had any respect for the terrors of the Civil War, Leia wouldn't have lost all the strings to reality and all her working towards her recovery wouldn't disappear just like that.
In a panic, Leia shut her eyes tightly, trying to scare the bad memories away, only to learn that she could no longer open them, and she was trapped inside the prison of her mind. She saw the interrogator droid, she heard its humming sound, just hovering in the air, threatening life with its mere existence — she could not think past her fear of the hurting it would bring her. She saw the needle, she felt it penetrating her skin, reaching the base of her spine where most of her nerves were hidden — she could not think past the agony and the anguish it brought her. She saw herself from outside, so small and vulnerable and scared in the rough metal bench — she could not think past the pain. She looked at her younger self with pity, so merciless under the tight grasp of the dark lord — she could not feel past the pain.
"Leia…?" Padmé called for her, carefully, frightenedly. She wasn't sure of what had just happened; one minute, Leia was there, and then — she wasn't. One minute, she was responsive, and the next, the cup of hot chocolate fell from her hands and spilled all over the floor, and its mess didn't as much as alert Leia. If it weren't for the wrinkles in her eyelids from the intensity that she had shut them or the speed of her chest rising and falling in silent breathing, Padmé wouldn't be able to discern if she were still alive.
There was no response, and it was Padmé's turn to panic. What the heck had happened? Leia had been fine, hadn't she? All things considered, Leia had been steady and coping, until Padmé had said or done something wrong — and she had no idea what had it been. She tried to think in her despair, she really did, but her mind was blank to all her possible mistakes.
Unsure of what to do — and already accepting that there wasn't anything right that she could do — Padmé dropped her espresso to the table and rushed to Leia. She cried the daughter's name over and over again, praying that Leia would respond, and the universe rejected her every prayer.
Until she could no longer stand her impotence and she harshly grabbed Leia by the shoulders, yanking her body brutally. The princess' eyes blasted open and a loud gasp escaped her, like the first breath of fresh air after being underwater for far too long. With a string of her mind still clinging to her bad memories, Leia's first instinct was to jerk herself away from the other's woman touch, only to stumble back upon the realization of what she had done until her back hit the wall.
She felt quartered, and the only force threatening her was herself.
Padmé little cared for Leia's immediate reaction; her heart only ached for the sight of the young woman in front of her and the knowledge that there was little, if anything, that she could do to help. It hurt even more when she tried to take one step forward and Leia desperately raised both her hands in the air in an urging stance.
"Please don't touch me."
Unintentionally, Padmé did the same with her hands, while nodding slowly and understanding. "I won't, Leia. I won't do anything that you don't want me to."
Which included remaining silent if Leia demanded her to. She would do it, regardless of how much she wanted to ask to know how to properly help the daughter.
"I just…" Leia tried, rubbing her fingers against her nose. Only then she realized her hands were still shaking, so she closed them in tight fists in attempts to steady her posture. "I wasn't—I'm not in a good place."
Padmé was slightly surprised, as that had been the first time Leia confirmed she wasn't doing as well as she constantly claimed to be. It was the first step of a long road, and Padmé wanted nothing more than to tell her how proud she was. She didn't.
"What happened, Leia?"
Her question had been vague; it was unclear whether she wanted to know about what had happened in the war or the past minutes. The ambiguity did not fail Leia; however, to the princess, it made no difference.
"I don't want to talk about it."
Which, of course, was the answer that Padmé had expected, but hearing it, rather than dreading it, only added to the mother's uneasiness. "Alright. What would you like to do? Is there any way I can help?"
Leia buried her face in her hands, using the wall behind her for support so she wouldn't fall. Unable to provide an answer, she chose to remain silent.
Crossing her arms, Padmé braved herself to make the one offer she would hate to follow through; if it came to it, though, she would do it, and leave her entire heart behind with Leia, hoping it would make a difference.
"Would you like to be alone?"
"No…!" Leia instinctively urged, and thought herself pathetic for her hypocrisy. Her mind hadn't even processed the question before her lips spoke ahead, and that wasn't her. Nothing about that evening seemed right.
Padmé was taken aback; she had expected her request to be accepted or politely declined, but she would never foresee that Leia would so heartfeltly beg for her presence. Nothing about that evening was right.
Leia lowered her arms, trying to look steady, unsure whether she had at least remotely succeeded. "It's just… When you're here, I… I see you, and I remember how annoyed you make me be, and… and that distracts me. Your annoyance grounds me, it reminds me that I'm here, safe, and not… there ."
Unsure of how to properly react, Padmé stared at her wide-eyed, until she could no longer hold herself back and did the most insane thing — she laughed. In her most composed self, but she did; she carefree laughed, slightly shaking her head sideways. To her relief, Leia joined her, although it barely consisted of a chuckle. But it was there.
Padmé never thought she'd hear that she was annoying in a useful way; every new day here brought a new wonder from the twins. No matter how badly their situations were, they constantly delighted and amazed her, leaving her to imagine all the wonders she had missed by being away from them for too long.
"I'm glad my annoyance has finally paid off."
Leia smirked silently and was surprised to see Padmé drop to the floor beneath her, in the clumsiest sitting position, exactly five feet away from where the princess stood. For the first time since her mother's arrival, Leia understood — Padmé annoyed her in the same way that Han used to, in the first years of their acquaintance. Gracefully, Leia realized: she could accept that. She could live with that. She would be driven insane, sure, but it was still better than having no one there to annoy her, to remind her that she was alive.
That simple recognition drove Leia to sink herself to the floor, too. It was just the two of them, and she allowed the tomboy inside of her to speak louder than the princess.
"Thank you," Leia said softly, looking down to a random spot between her legs spread widely apart. Between the two women was the mess of the spilled hot chocolate, filling the room with its sweet smell.
"No need to thank me," Padmé waved it off, "I promised you I'd be here for you, whenever you needed, and that doesn't change simply because we are tearing each other's head off. A promise is a promise."
Pursuing her lips in a shy smile, Leia agreed. Still glancing down, she focused on the sound of Padmé's breathing next to her and started to draw imaginary lines in the ground. Anything to silence the noise in her head.
Neither of them was certain of how much had passed when the medical droid finally came to them. Padmé's back was starting to ache, for being sat at the floor without a place to lean on — which provided her with the sad realization that she was getting old — meanwhile, Leia remained perfectly still against the wall, her eyes alerted to the environment while trying to sustain the peace within herself.
The whirring of the droid cut sharply through her silence, and Padmé quickly threw herself onto her feet, while Leia only looked up.
"How is he? Is he okay?"
"Mr. Skywalker is fine," it said, politely, not wasting any time. "The injury in his leg is completely healed, and the cut in his forehead is no more than that, a cut. He will be proud to tell stories about how he got the scar to his children."
Leia unconsciously grimaced, mumbling to herself, "As if I won't kill him first for being too dumb to get that stupid scar."
Padmé made a gesture with her hand to silence the princess. "Is he awake?"
"He was given a sedative," it explained, "He is not expected to regain consciousness for the next couple of hours. His full recovery resides on his rest."
"Of course," the mother replied, "Are we allowed to see him?"
"By all means," the droid conceded, stepping aside to make way to the medical ward. Rather than rushing straight ahead, as she surely wanted to, Padmé extended her arm to Leia and helped her stand — although come to think about it, it should have been the other way around.
Once certain that the daughter was following behind, Padmé headed inside with rapid steps. Every second away from Luke was another second of agony and torture. She had been told he was alright, sure, but some things needed to be seen with the eyes.
Unfortunately, she had learned that the hard way. Once upon a time, too many moons before, she had been told that her child had died, and she accepted it without any judgment. Her err had led to a life away from her children, and she would often whisper to herself — no more.
When the sight of Luke entered her field of vision, lying still in a not so comfortable and too small bed, Padmé ran to his side. He looked peaceful, he resembled serene in his slumber, free of pain, and that knowledge came to her as a relief. She took the only seat available next to the bunk and settled on it, giving herself the perfect position to run her fingers through his hair.
If she closed her eyes, she would enter a dream where Luke was no more than a child, and she was tugging him to bed while singing sweet lullabies. If she didn't fear too much the hurting of a memory from something she'd never have, she would have allowed herself to close them.
Leia, at last, came inside and followed straight to the empty bunk next to Luke's. She sat there and crossed both her legs in front of her. For the time being, she allowed herself to simply watch a mother lovingly caring for her son, reminiscing with sorrow all the times that Queen Breha had looked after her just like that.
"He's alright, Leia," Padmé nearly cried in joy.
Leia nodded with her lips pressed together. "I'm glad he is."
Padmé gave her a dirty look, "Are you genuinely glad he's alright, or are you simply happy that they didn't get to kill him so you can do it yourself?"
The princess chuckled. "Right now, I'm glad he's okay. But ask me again in a few hours."
Disapprovingly, Padmé shook her head, although there was a faint smile in her face.
And then, just like that, she became serious again.
"Leia," she called in a harsh tone, "I hope you're aware that I will never choose between you and your brother."
For the longest of times, Leia simply stared at her blankly, before snapping, " What ."
"I'm just saying," Padmé carried on, still unconsciously intertwining her fingers around Luke's golden locks of hair, "Earlier today when Luke disappeared without a single trace. I forced you to search within yourself to find him, even when I knew you weren't ready for that, that it would all but break you. For that, I would like to apologize."
Leia chose to remain silent. Whether Padmé had earned her forgiveness, she would most likely never know.
Because — although Leia would never willingly admit it, especially to her — it had been brutal, it had been raw, it had stolen her breath away. It had terrified her, and she was certain she would never touch that power again.
Noting that Leia wouldn't speak so soon, Padmé cleared her throat, "I guess what I'm trying to say is, if the circumstances were reversed, I would do the same to Luke. I'd do everything in my power, and in the power of those I knew, to get you back."
Instead of acknowledging her point, Leia said bluntly, "You don't have to worry. I'm not stupid, I won't ever do anything of the sort."
She seemed awfully convinced, and perhaps that was true — Padmé hadn't the means to ascertain the veracity, she didn't know Leia to that extent. In a way, Leia reminded Padmé of herself, of her younger self, closed to the rest of the world, so compromised to her duty. Padmé felt sorry for her; she remembered all too well the loneliness of her young days, and how desolate it was to have no one know who she truly was. She hoped, she really did, that Leia could show glimpses of herself to Han and Luke at least.
To Padmé, that person had been Anakin. Nobody knew her as Anakin once did.
"But if you do, bear in my mind that I'll break down the walls of hell to bring you back home."
Once again, Leia only stared at her, as if waiting for something to happen. Once again, nothing did.
Padmé sighed, at last leaning back on her seat. The small, uncomfortable chair welcomed her warmly, and — Padmé finally allowed herself to ascertain how tired she was. In her exhaustion, her mind began to drift away.
"Why?"
Leia asked her abruptly, so harshly, that it gave the mother a good startle. All but mimicking the princess, Padmé gazed intensively at her, waiting for a more detailed inquiry to come, and when it didn't, she was obliged to ask, "Why, what?"
Leia began to play with her hands over her lap, scratching her skin with sharp nails. Only Padmé's notion of her unquietness made her stop. "Why wouldn't you choose Luke over me?"
Padmé almost choked on her breath. "Are you serious—"
" Why wouldn't you choose Luke over me?"
With wide eyes, the retired Queen understood there was no alternative than to answer the question — the only challenge would be not losing her patience while doing so. Coming to think about it, she was starting to share the same annoyance that Leia felt towards her.
"You're both my children. I felt you both alive inside of me, and I evenly bonded with your lives in my womb. I don't have a favorite child, I will never have. My love for you is equal."
"I thought you weren't aware that you were expecting twins."
Padmé drew in a long breath, while a quick flash of what motherhood with a witty, child Leia would have been like flashed through her mind. Under any other circumstances, she would have laughed at the image in her mind of a very obedient Luke watching in both awe and terror as mother and daughter continuously outspoke one another.
"Will you listen to what I'm saying, rather than what I'm saying?" Padmé allowed her lack of patience to speak on her behalf, and it was too late to take it back.
"That doesn't make sense."
Closing her eyes for an instinct, she conceded. "No, I guess it doesn't."
Not delving too deep into it, Leia began to undo the crown braid around her head by removing the first pins. She was just noticing the small ache in the back of her head and decided to free her hair in an attempt to alleviate the soreness. "Anyway, I very much doubt it."
Sighing relentlessly, Padmé gave up. "Doubt what?"
"That you wouldn't choose Luke over me."
"Leia—"
"I'm not saying that's a bad thing," Leia explained, the first locks of hair falling freely over her shoulder. "It's reasonable, really."
Padmé chewed on her inner cheeks — was she starting to have a headache? "And why is that, Leia?"
"Well," a little surprised that Padmé couldn't see it for herself, Leia made it her responsibility to enlighten her, "Luke is your son. He's kind, he's loving, he's accepting, he idolizes you. You're everything to him. You share a greater bond with him, and a beautiful bond it is. It is completely rational that, if it came to it, you would choose Luke over me, and that's okay! You don't have to feel guilty about it, because I understand ."
Bullshit, Padmé screamed in her head, only keeping it to herself because she really wasn't in the mood to pick up a fight, or even start the most civilized argument.
"At least you recognize that you're not kind or loving to me."
Leia merely shrugged, dropping yet another pin down to the pile over the bed.
"You're not my mother."
Sadly, Padmé agreed. No matter how many times she would hear it, the allegation always came to her like a blow to the heart.
"It's a good thing, then, that I'll never have to choose between you," Padmé speculated, watching with interest as Leia's hair came down. Thinking about it, she didn't recall a single time where she had seen Leia wearing her hair down, and perhaps undoing it in front of others meant deep intimacy in Alderaanian culture. If so, Padmé was honored — she made a mental note to look up Alderaan's hair tradition. Maybe Han would know so.
"You sound quite certain about that," Leia snorted carefully.
"Well, the odds of something happening to the both of you simultaneously is so small—"
"Odds exist to be broken," she spoke lowly, the last stranded lock of hair falling down her shoulders. With her fingers, she began to untangle the knots. "There are so many planets in the galaxy, so many. If you think about it, the odds of the Empire blowing up your home planet are practically nonexistent, until you watch your home planet become dust with your own eyes. Don't ever rely on odds, Padmé, because odds don't exist ."
Padmé swallowed roughly, eyes a little startled with whatever she had meant. Had she witnessed the destruction of Alderaan beforehand? Had they forced her to watch? Those possibilities alone made her heart thunder faster; had she been in Leia's place, having to watch Naboo be destroyed alongside everything she ever knew, she didn't know if she would ever be able to stand again.
However, she did know that it was best to leave it aside. Trying to get Leia to talk about it would only generate discord, and neither of them wanted that.
Leia seemingly ignored her own comment, looking to her hands as she worked on her hair: dividing the hair into three parts and starting to craft a ponytail from the middle of her head. Her fingers operated mechanically as she started to give life to a braid that would fall without restriction down to her back.
Padmé watched with curiosity as the young girl braided her hair, thinking about how Queen Breha Organa must have taught her all those hairstyles during Leia's youth. Funnily enough, that notion didn't bring her jealousy, nor fury. Instead, it brought her peace, knowing that Leia must have had a strong, passionate woman figure to look up to. It brought her serenity, knowing that Leia was always loved and looked after during her life.
A few minutes later, Leia finished, and she allowed her braid to fall over her left shoulder. Padmé waited for her to say anything, to do anything, but the princess remained perfectly still, with eyes gazing nowhere at all while her mind started to flow away.
"You should try and get some sleep, Leia."
She sighed exaggeratedly at the suggestion as she was pulled back from the nice dream she was having. "Can't."
Padmé frowned, "Why not?"
"Because any time now," Leia pointed to the door, "Somebody is going to come through there, telling me that Han is being held and they won't let him go until I go there myself and start giving the explanations that Han most likely couldn't give himself."
Leia sounded so exasperated with that idea that Padmé let out a shy chuckle. "Han was a smuggler, I'm pretty sure he's been 'held' before," she gestured quotation marks with her hands, "And this time, he should consider himself lucky to be held by the good people."
Leia snorted; it was a good point. "Still, I don't want him waiting on my behalf."
"Leia, if there's one thing that I can assure you of is that he doesn't mind," Padmé tried to illustrate, "If he did, he wouldn't have gone in the first place."
This time, Leia exhaled tiredly, "Maybe, but—"
"Tell you what," she interfered before Leia had the chance to form an argument, "There's a perfectly fine bed underneath you, one that you're wasting away. Right now, it's," she looked at the clock in the wall, "A little past five in the morning. If somebody comes for you, I'll send them on their way, telling them that you'll present yourself to the High Council at, let's say, 8 AM pronto."
Leia looked at her with intrigue, her eyebrows arched. "You'll wake me up?"
"Yes, I will."
"You promise that you will?"
"Yes, Leia, you have my word."
"Even if they don't come? Promise me you will wake me up in two hours, even if they don't come."
Padmé might not have been that good in math, but she wasn't a fool. "I said for three hours."
"No, you said I'd be there at eight sharp," Leia pointed out, "I need to get ready. I can't get up and present myself there while wearing Han's shirt ."
"Can't you?" Padmé teased, "That would be a way to scandalize them. This place is missing a few scandals."
"Padmé, no!" Leia seemed horrified, "It'll only end badly. They're still under the impression that Han hasn't corrupted me."
At loss, Padmé frowned, "Corrupted you?!"
Leia gave her a glare, a very intimate and female glare, and the realization caused Padmé's cheeks to burn like fire.
"Well, has he?" Padmé asked on a whim and felt like crawling into a hole and dying once she heard her own question out loud. "No, don't answer that. I don't want to know."
Leia made a teasing face, "I wouldn't use the word corrupted, but we've definitely—"
"No…!" Padmé raised her hands to cover her years, "I don't want to know!"
Snorting, Leia simply shook her head sideways, amazed at how embarrassed the other woman had become. She wondered how her father would react to such a revelation, and concluded that Padmé didn't do him justice. She smiled sadly to herself, thinking of yet another mundane thing that had been stolen from her.
"Come on, Padmé, I refuse to believe you were a prude, back in the days," Leia incited, and the more she talked, the redder the mother became.
All things considered, Padmé definitely wasn't going to start talking about her sex life to her daughter. Deciding that evading the comment was the best course of action, she said, "Why would the Council even care about… that? It's none of their business."
"They feel like it is," Leia shuddered, "After Alderaan, they got stuck with a teenage princess with nowhere to go. They thought of me as their responsibility, that I was the prize of war that they didn't ask for. Then, I became their political asset, I became their pawn. And I'm sure that the political marriage of the last princess of Alderaan would be very beneficial for the New Republic."
Padmé breathed heavily, understanding very well that they most likely did see her as such and had all sorts of plans for her future, and it made her sick to her stomach. Strategically, she understood, but the human part of her — she found it disgusting. It was war, everybody had the right to sacrifice their lives for the cause and the ideals they believed in; however, nobody should have the power to sacrifice somebody else's life for the cause.
"You're not a piece of meat. You're not… merchantable, Leia."
Politely, Leia pointed with her head. "I know that, Padmé."
Maybe a little too comfortable with their environment, Padmé extended her legs to the edge of Luke's bed — heck, he wouldn't mind, he wasn't awake to mind. She rested her hands over her belly, finding the perfect position to relax, and returned her attention to the second woman in the room.
"Would you? Marry someone for political gain?"
Leia shot both her brows up, "Would you?"
"Probably not," Padmé confessed, "Then again, I never had to. As a Queen, I was only a child, and Naboo elects their Monarchs, so I'd never had to carry the burden of providing my planet a suitable heir. And as a Senator—well, Senators' love lives only exist for scrutiny and scandals. There isn't a social demand around it. I like to believe I'd always choose love over politics, though, no matter the circumstances."
Leia nodded, starting to get a little more comfortable and casual over the thin mattress, although she remained seated. "I've always wondered that. Growing up, I always felt that the obligation of marrying respectfully laid on my shoulders, but my parents never demanded it from me. My parents married for love, and they always made sure that I knew as much. I guess that's what they would want for me. I don't know, they died before I got the chance to ask."
Padmé smiled sadly. "What about now? Now that Alderaan is gone, do you feel that's an obligation you should keep?"
"I have no idea," Leia said honestly, with a small chuckle, "There are no more traditions to answer to, I just have yet to determine if that's a good thing or not."
The queen remained silent, waiting for Leia to sort her thoughts.
"Today, the woman that I am today, that the war has made me become…" she spoke with a low voice, her eyes suddenly looking down to the floor, "I don't think I would be able to lie with anyone who didn't have my complete trust."
Padmé felt tingles of anticipation running through her legs. Sometimes, Leia would say things that couldn't be implied without the full context of the war, and in those moments, Padmé dreaded to ask for the framework. Because her mind always strayed towards the darkest scenarios, and she was terrified that one of them just might come true.
"There's nothing wrong with that."
"I know," Leia simply conceded. Feeling her bones start to weigh more than the usual, she, at last, allowed herself to lie down. Her back against the mattress, one arm under head, the other resting over her womb; not in a position of someone who might finally succumb themself to sleep, but in a stance that kept her stare fixated in the ceiling as her mind wandered through every little thing.
From afar, Padmé simply watched her, still having the perfect view of her body language and her expression.
"Han is the only person I've ever been with," Leia confessed with a small voice, unsure of what had been her reasons to admit that. She wasn't ashamed of it, but she couldn't remember the last time she had revealed something so intimate and personal, especially to a woman she had just met. "I guess I am a prude, after all."
If Padmé had to choose a word for her reaction at the suddenness of Leia's confidence, bewilderment came close to it. Despite how explicit she had been about her unwillingness to talk about Leia's private life, the princess still dared to bring it up, and — by the Sith, she really was stupid.
Hadn't she come back with the only intention of being their mother? And her main task as the mother of grown-up twins was to guide them, no matter how uncomfortable it might feel. She realized with a heavy heart that that was the guidance Leia needed the most, considering that she had been too young when Alderaan met its fate, and she never got to ask her mother the questions that haunted her mind as she fell in love with Han, perhaps even now.
Padmé pushed all her discomfort aside, and, for the first time since her arrival, she sensed that her return was serving a purpose.
"There's nothing wrong with that, Leia," Padmé assured, "Don't compare yourself to other people, because everybody has their own tempo."
"There's not much to compare to, if you haven't noticed the lack of female presence around," Leia joked, although every word she said had been accurate.
"Then what's bothering you?"
"Nothing," she stated, her voice firm as a rock.
Padmé waited — her motherly instinct told her that that wasn't the end. Not yet.
Leia pressed her teeth hard into the flesh of her inner lip, flashes of her life passing right before her eyes. Those memories only gave her more conviction to say, "Han is the only person I'll ever be with."
Twenty years before, Padmé would have found only warmth in her assertion. Now, after acquiring the unwished-for wisdom of too many heartbreaks, she considered it a troublesome thought.
"You shouldn't rely yourself too strongly on that idea, Leia," she carefully warned, "After all, you were the one just telling me that odds exist to be defeated."
"You've misunderstood me," Leia corrected without a fuss, "I'm well aware of the possibility that the day that I lose Han to death might come too soon, or that we might simply part as our relationship ceases to be healthy. I'm simply stating, no matter what happens, Han remains the only person I'll ever be with."
Padmé watched attentively how her muscles tensed at her assertion, and how her chest all but stopped breathing. In return, her own breathing sped up, and she braced herself. She had to ask, she needed to know. The question was on the tip of her tongue—
"Padmé?"
Padmé let out all the burden that had been piling up inside her through a single exhale, and she wondered, deep down, whether she was relieved for the interruption.
"Yes, Leia?"
"Do you think we'll ever be friends?"
The question struck like a lightning, leaving Padmé tense in her seat. "Do you want to…? Be friends?"
"I don't know," Leia admitted shyly. "I don't have any friends here."
Padmé swallowed the lump in her throat roughly, her heart thudding a tad faster inside her chest. "That's not true. You have Luke and Han."
"One is my brother, the other is my beau," Leia shook her head relentlessly. "Most of all, they're both men ."
Her tone made it seem that she was disgusted at that single aspect, and it made Padmé laugh.
"Sometimes, all I want is a company free of testosterone," Leia spoke very seriously, although there was a hint of mockery behind her voice. "The nearest woman in my reach is Mon Mothma, and I really don't feel comfortable going to her with questions about sex."
Another giggle. "She wouldn't mind."
"I know!" Leia threw both her hands up in repudiation, "Which would only add to my embarrassment of being there."
Uncertain of her motives, Padmé jumped back on her feet. The suddenness of her action caught Leia off guard, who stared at her intensely as she dragged her chair around Luke's bed and placed it between the two cots, this time taking her seat closer to Leia.
"Well, I'm here. If you have any questions."
Leia smiled with her lips closed as she turned to lie on her side, facing Padmé completely. "We're not there yet."
"I know," Padmé agreed, "All I'm saying is, the offer is here. Whenever you want, regardless of where in our relationship we might be."
Leia closed her eyes and didn't open them again. "Thank you, Padmé."
She simply nodded, although the princess couldn't see it, and they both boarded a comfortable silence. Padmé remained there, lost in her maze of thoughts, until Leia fell asleep — which didn't take long — and Padmé knew as much because she shared the peace and rhythm of her brother's breathing next to her.
Getting up, Padmé followed to the cabinet in the corner of the room and retrieved a blanket from there.
In her mind, she walked to her child's bed and carefully placed the cover over her, protecting her from the chill of the night. She bent down and tenderly kissed the child's forehead, whispering words of love as she retreated.
Sometimes, dreams were more pleasing than reality.
A/N: do consider leaving a comment, since your support encourages me to keep writing this story :)