-E-
It's all a blur. She knows that there's a blanket around her shoulders, can feel her nails digging into her palm and Will's hands clasping her wrists as the firetruck zooms down the streets, sirens blaring. She thinks she demanded to know what happened, but she's not sure she's really able to comprehend the words coming out of Will's mouth. Something about an abandoned house at the edge of town catching fire and reports of a kid trapped inside and an explosion that knocked Killian off his feet, down the stairs…
Emma's vaguely aware of the truck finally pulling to a lurching stop, Will and Smee helping her off but she doesn't recognize the rather nondescript entrance to the building, just Tink waitin for them and draping her blue paramedic jacket over Emma's shoulders and pointing them further into what Emma's come to conclude is the ambulance bay of the hospital. Smee leads the way past beds and down hallways but they are ultimately stopped at a nurse's station deep within the hospital.
"I'm under strict orders not to let any unauthorized persons through." A stern looking nurse with a dated updo stands in front of them, arms crossed.
"Well, you know us." Will gestures to his gear and Smee nods along, rolling his shoulders a little to draw attention to his heavy coat. "And this is Emma,"
The nurse eyes their sooty gear with distaste, probably coming up with fifty ways to sterilize her ward after they've passed through in their gear. "And you are?" She asks Emma in a clipped tone.
"I'm his… his…" Emma struggles for words. Girlfriend? Lover? Live-in partner? "I'm his." She finishes lamely, trying not to flinch under the severe look being leveled upon her.
"Relax, Nurse Ratched. She's with us." Tink's voice calls from behind them, her no-nonsense tone rivaling the woman's in front of them. "Come on," Tink steers Emma down the hall when the nurse steps aside coolly, still appearing less than impressed.
In the waiting room, Whale explains to her that Killian is in surgery but the details that Tink probably shouldn't just be spewing out fly over Emma's head.
The main thing is that he's alive. Every minute they sit in the private waiting room means he's still drawing breath somewhere in the hospital until a doctor comes in and tells them otherwise.
"She's still shaking." Will's voice sounds over her head as she sits numbly while everyone else remains standing.
"It's probably the shock."
Will slumps down next to her and his hand automatically finds hers, holding on just as tightly as Emma is. Tink sits next to Smee opposite them. Whale is pacing in the space between them, muttering under his breath until Tink snaps at him to sit down. Will slides down in his chair until his bottom is on the edge of the chair, his face buried in his free hand.
They can't lose him.
Eventually, Tink leaves the heavy silence of the room to go acquire coffees for everyone and Whale gets up again to start pacing. Smee continues to watch Emma like a hawk, likely off some obscure order given by Killian at some point in time before this.
Jefferson walks in and everyone looks up, hopeful that it's a doctor coming in to give them an update but once they realize it's just him returning from the firehouse, they all go back to staring into their separate corners of the room.
Another false alarm comes in the form of Lancelot and Tink, both bearing hot drinks to pass out to everyone. The captain explains to anyone listening that Robin's crew is going to finish out the rest of the shift.
By the time Elsa races into the room, Emma's no longer bothering to look up. Her arm has fallen asleep in the awkward position of gripping Will's hand over the armrest of their chairs and she doesn't realize her friend is there until Lancelot vacates the seat next to Emma so Elsa can sit and take Emma's free hand in her own.
"I brought you a change of clothes."
Emma looks up to stare blankly into Elsa's eyes.
"Let's get you changed." Elsa coaxes and it also seems to baffle Will that Elsa is there because he refuses to let go of Emma's hand for a few seconds, staring confusedly at the other blonde.
Emma loses it in the tiny, gender neutral bathroom with Elsa standing at her side. It starts when Elsa started pulling out leggings and a cozy sweater because she forgot they gave Elsa the spare key and somehow her friend not only closed up her shop early to come here, she even made a stop home first to get things for Emma to wear instead of her waitress uniform. Elsa even went as far as to bring her boots and fuzzy socks and meanwhile, Emma's not even sure if her purse made it with her from the diner to the hospital (it did, Ashley stuffed it into Smee's arms right before they left the diner). But the moment Emma really stopped holding back is when she pulls off her white tank top and Liam's ring thuds back against her chest after getting caught up in the fabric.
The last thing Elsa is probably expecting is for Emma to start laughing but that's exactly what happens. She laughs because while she was wearing his lucky ring, safe and sound in the diner with Granny, Killian was running into burning homes and getting knocked off his feet down a flight of stairs. And now he's on the operating table fighting for his life and she knows without a doubt, he's the love of her life and she never got to tell him that before. And then her laughter changes and she's sobbing so hard, her body is wracking with each gasp of breath and she feels like she's about to throw up.
Elsa's hands are cool as they sweep aside curls while Emma dry heaves over the toilet. Elsa's quiet as she straightens Emma up, handing her tissues out the bag in a businesslike manner, cool as a cucumber. Anyone else would see the slender, platinum blonde and call her cold, but Emma recognizes it as strength. A collected, dependable friend when everyone- when everything- is falling apart.
Mary Margaret and Leo are standing in the waiting room when Emma and Elsa return, and Emma sees her ghostly pale expression mirror back at her in her family's faces. It must feel like deja vu for them, being back in the waiting room surrounded by firefighters.
Their worst nightmare realized again.
Emma wasn't there when her father was brought in to the hospital- in fact, she never
made it to see him because she was busy taking a test in Boston while her family received the news. All she knows is that the moment the doctors came out far too soon after wheeling her father in to speak the words that would change all their lives, Will left the hospital without a second word to anyone, got in his car and drove.
Will leaves to call his mother while Emma embraces her family and when Will returns,
it's on the heels of an auburn resident who's all fluttery and full of nervous energy. But she's smiling genuinely so Emma knows it's good news. They wouldn't send a first year resident by herself to inform them of a death.
"He's still alive. We're about halfway through the surgery and there's some head trauma, but we're operating on his hand, and uh, broken ribs but nothing's punctured." And then she starts rambling off a bunch of numbers and abbreviations relating to Killian's vital signs.
"Astrid. Start again." Tink snaps, Whale just shakes his head and sweeps out of the room while Astrid fumbles for words. He returns shortly, a steadier looking resident in tow, surgical mask still hanging off her chin.
"Lieutenant Jones is doing well. We've stopped the internal bleeding and we are now working on his left hand which was crushed when he fell from the stairs. I'm afraid we won't know the full extent of his hand and head trauma until he wakes and we can perform more tests, but for now, he's stable." The resident turns to Emma and she recognizes her as one of the young mothers who likes to stop in the diner with her kids, "Your lieutenant is a survivor, Miss Nolan. If you'll excuse us, we must get back to the operating room. I'll send someone out for more updates when we have them." She gives Astrid a reproving look before leaving the room, Astrid scurrying behind her.
"Mom, Leo- you guys should go home." Emma says, surprising herself when her voice doesn't waver. Mary Margaret is looking paler and paler by the minute and Leo is shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
"No, we want to be here for you-," Mary Margaret protests, but Lancelot seems to understand Emma's concern for her family reliving the worst day of their lives with much of the same people in the same room.
"Mary Margaret, everyone will be here for Emma. The best thing you can do right now is to go home and get some rest so you can be there when we take our turn to rest. I'll drive you back and we'll have someone call you as soon as we hear anything more."
Her mother agrees after glancing at her son, who looks very much like he wants to be anywhere but in the hospital.
"I'll be fine," Emma assures them, getting up to hug her mother. On their way out, Mary Margaret glances back one last time to see Emma taking her seat between Will and Elsa again.
As soon as they're gone, everyone seems to heave a sigh of relief, the reminder of their last time there with a devastating ending quite physically gone. It feels like there is more breathing room now and everyone relaxes marginally.
The hour grows later and Emma ends up with her head resting on Elsa's shoulder, hand back in Will's. Empty coffee cups are scattered around the room and Tink has forced Whale to continue his pacing out in the hallway so when Blue and the resident from before emerge out of the double doors, he's the one running in to warn everyone to prepare themselves.
"Doctor," Will scrambles to his feet, yanking Emma along with him when it takes her a couple seconds to respond.
Dr. Blue smiles serenely as everyone gathers around, "Lieutenant Jones is out of surgery and recovering in the ICU. He has a few broken ribs from the fall that we expect to heal completely given time and we will be monitoring him for any additional internal bleeding and complications."
"And his hand?" Emma demands impatiently.
Blue nods, "We managed to save it, though it was a rather nasty crush injury. I'm afraid
we won't know the full extent of the damage until he wakes. There may be a need for further surgery, but again, that will come after we are able to run more tests." She pauses, her expression flickering as she shifts on her feet.
"What is it?" Will asks and Elsa makes a sound in the back of her throat as if to remind him to be polite.
"Lieutenant Jones also suffered blunt trauma to his head and the CT shows some swelling in the brain."
Emma's stomach drops to her feet and Will's hand is nearly crushing hers.
"Which means what?" Will asks again in his brutish tone, but this time no one reprimands him.
"We've placed him in a medically induced coma which will allow his body to focus on recuperating safely." Blue continues to speak but Emma's not paying attention anymore, stumbling backwards when Will's grip loosens enough for her to escape. She sinks back into her seat and Elsa kneels before her.
"He's alive, Emma." Elsa whispers urgently and Emma clings to those words.
"Miss Nolan, would you like to see him?"
Emma looks up, eyes darting between Blue and Will.
"Only one person at a time." Will repeats, knowing that Emma wasn't listening to a word. "You first, Nolan." He says, nodding to tell her it's okay.
So on shaky legs, Emma follows Blue into the hallway.
"Miss Nolan, there's something else."
Emma nods for the surgeon to continue as they walk through the empty halls. It's late in the night now, and most rooms are dark, only a skeleton staff maintaining the nurses' stations.
"Lieutenant Jones has no next of kin listed and as you are listed as his emergency contact, should any decisions need to made while he is unable to make them for himself-,"
"I understand." Emma says, cutting her off because she knows it won't be necessary. Killian will wake up. He has to.
"It's not something you have to worry about, but I thought you should know."
"Thank you."
They reach his room and Emma lets out an involuntary gasp despite Blue's earlier warnings about his condition and what to expect.
She hardly recognizes her fireman under all the tubes, lying on his back, blankets smoothed over his legs. A nurse is applying something to the incisions on his torso and his left arm is engulfed in a cast and elevated.
The nurse finishes her task and smoothes gauze over his chest before closing his gown, giving a nod and a comforting upturn of her lips to Emma and Blue as she exits the room.
Killian's hair is matted down over his forehead, making him look years younger and the tube down his throat is an image that will never escape the dark recesses of her mind.
"Can I… can I touch him?" Emma whispers.
Blue nods, "Of course, just be careful of his IVs."
Emma reaches out, brushing her fingers over his chilled ones and she shudders because there's no reaction. No flicker of ocean blue eyes, no twitch of his lips, or quirk of an eyebrow when her skin makes contact with his. Just the steady beeping of machines, the hiss of the ventilator breathing for him and the eerie smoothness of his expression.
"I'll give you a moment." Emma doesn't turn to see Blue exit and slide the door shut.
"Killian," Emma whispers, wrapping both her hands gingerly around his. "You stupid, brave hero. You're going to be alright." She says vehemently, anger suddenly overcoming her, "You have to be. You promised me you're not going anywhere and I l-," She cuts herself off, the first tear slipping free from her eyes since she was locked up in the bathroom hours ago. "God, don't make me say it now. Not like this." She swipes furiously at the wetness on her cheeks before returning her hand to his limp one. She reaches out to run her other hand down his face, flattening her palm against his cheek. "Come back to me, Killian Jones."
She's probably getting his blanket all wet with the tears falling unrestrained down her cheeks but she can't bring herself to care as she lifts his hand to her lips, kissing it sweetly much like he has done for her hundreds of times before.
"Damn it." She breathes, eyes still fixed on his face. What she wouldn't do to see ocean blue eyes blinking back at her, to see red coloring his cheeks and ears instead of the pale pallor of his face. "Damn it." Emma repeats, losing the image of him when her vision blurs with tears as a gaping abyss opens up in her chest, stretching wider and wider until all she feels is lost.
-/-
Emma gets pulled out of her restless sleep by the sound of something scraping at her front door. Grabbing a pan from the kitchen counter, she tiptoes to the peephole, wondering if it would have been a smarter move to just call Graham. But she really wants to hit something right now and the person trying to break into the apartment seems like the best option.
She growls angrily when she sees who's at the door and swings it open without any further ado, causing the person kneeling in front of it to topple over at her feet.
"Really? Are you kidding me?"
"Bloody hell. A few more seconds and I woulda got it."
"Get in here." Emma drags Will into the apartment, none too gently, "That door was deadbolted you dumbass. Why are you even trying to break into our apartment?"
Will rights himself, though he doesn't get to his feet, choosing instead to remain sitting on the ground with his back resting against the wall, "I tried to use my spare but I seem to have misplaced it."
Emma crosses her arms, pan still weighing heavy in her hand and a little too tempting. "We took it back and gave it to Elsa."
Will scratches his head, "You did?"
"Yeah, when you handed it back you said 'one less thing to worry about' and ordered a milkshake to celebrate."
"I remember the milkshake."
"Why are you trying to pick our lock in the middle of the night while drunk?"
"I didn't want you to be alone. As for the drunk part-," Will hands her a flask from his jacket.
"It's empty."
He shrugs, palms held out in front of him as if to say, what's a man to do?
Emma shoves the flask and pan into his arms before stalking off to collect and blanket and linens for him to camp out on the couch. "I better not hear you clanging around out here." She warns before marching back into the bedroom and slamming the door shut, still fuming.
But her thoughts are a little less haunted for the rest of the night, knowing there is someone else in the next room.
-/-
"You look like shit."
"'Least I don't look like you."
"What are you doing here, Scarlet?" Elsa interrupts, giving him a critical eye as he lingers in the doorway of Killian's room.
Will shrugs, "I got benched."
"Because you showed up hungover?" Emma says savagely while entwining her fingers softly with Killian's unresponsive ones. Will was gone from the couch when she woke up that morning, blankets half-folded in typical Will fashion.
Will just shrugs again, "How is he?"
"No change."
"It's been less than 24 hours," Elsa reminds them bracingly.
Nurse Ratched knocks on the door, "Visitor for Lieutenant Jones." She announces, and Will flinches at her sudden appearance, taking a step further into the room to put distance between himself and the severe looking nurse, who is casting a pointed look around the room.
Elsa sighs, getting up from the chair on the other side of Killian's bed, "Come on, Will. Let's go wrangle up some breakfast."
"Oi, I just got here."
"And you'll be here for the rest of the day." Elsa practically drags him out of the room and Emma looks up at the nurse, who looks far more satisfied with body count in the room.
"Who is it?"
Turns out, the question should have been who is it not. A steady flow of well-wishers come through, bringing flowers, chocolates, bottles of rum (thanks, Leroy) and casseroles (Elsa had to make a trip back to the apartment after donating as much as the nurses and doctors would take).
Eventually, Nurse Ratched starts turning away visitors after a particularly rambunctious group of three elderly ladies tried to steal a pair of scissors from a young nurse to cut the ribbon off their fruit basket that they wanted Emma to try on the spot.
Emma's relieved when the nurses magnanimously allow Elsa and Will back in, bending the rules of max number of visitors for them. It was exhausting holding court for everyone stopping by and while Killian is definitely not a loner, most of these well-wishes could have been sufficiently and more appropriately been expressed through a card. Some of the visitors were fine- Aurora and Robin escorted by Lancelot, Emma's family, Granny and Ruby- but others were there simply to ogle the newest drama to grace the town of Storybrooke (no way Sidney Glass or Isaac Heller were getting within ten feet of Killian's room, not with Nurse Ratched on the job).
"The good news is Blue is instituting a stricter screening protocol for visitors and after all the people coming to disturb the nurses' peaceful ward, they've all banded together to create the first line of defense that would make even the royal guard proud." Elsa announces, handing out cups of tea to Emma and Will.
Will pokes at a bloom sitting dangerously close to his head, "I feel like I'm in a garden." He grumbles, "And did Dopey Eddie really try to bring in a tree?"
Elsa nods, "I think it's now part of the permanent decor in reception."
"Mo must have emptied his inventory with all the people who came through today with flowers." Emma mumbles. They had Astrid running all morning relocating many of the floral arrangements to spots around the hospital so Killian's room wouldn't resemble a greenhouse.
"Maybe we should have Astrid come and take more of these." Will mutters, struggling to find a place to set down his tea.
Elsa tsk's, lowering her voice "No can do. I heard they banned her from the ICU. She's a great person and everything, but Dr. Nova has that nervous sort of energy around her that's just plain unsettling."
"Yeah, it's not really something I need when I'm trying to stay calm myself. She still has a lot to learn," Emma agrees, remembering a particular incident when she nearly snagged herself on one of the many tubes and wires attached to Killian. "She almost took out Will today with some very enthusiastic hand gestures as well."
Will grimaces, "Yeah but I think Leroy has a thing for her. Ever notice how he likes to mop the floors in the vicinity of her?"
Elsa scrunches up her face as well, "Oh God, that's just an accident waiting to happen."
It's probably not the nicest thing, gossiping about a doctor but it at least makes them forget the grim situation they're in for a little bit and laugh. Emma instinctively looks over to Killian to see if he finds it funny too, but of course, his expression remains the same.
The laughter dies down as Elsa and Will also turn their attention back to Killian and Elsa sighs.
"Shit."
"Yeah," Emma says sadly, "Shit."
-/-
Will's parents arrive that night, just before visiting hours end and Emma meets his father for the second time, the first being at her own father's funeral. Emma and Elsa leave after the initial hellos to give them some time alone.
"Granny doesn't want me working at the diner." Emma confides as she and Elsa roam the quiet hall.
"Probably because of all the gossip that's going to start circulating." Elsa sighs, "Good thing I mostly serve families. No one's going to gossip with their children standing right there. And the threat of me overloading their kids' cone in retribution is too real."
"Plus you're kinda an ice queen. No one would dare cross you, let alone have the courage to ask."
Elsa laughs, "Good thing the only one who can bench me is me."
The decision to put Will is quickly reversed, something they find out when he follows Emma home to her and Killian's place. He claims that it's so his parents can take over his apartment and Emma just shrugs, tossing him more blankets.
The next couple of days they follow largely the same pattern: Elsa comes down in the mornings with breakfast and they eat together, mutually agreeing not to comment on everyone's exacerbated morning moodiness. When they're done, Elsa drives Emma to the hospital and Will leaves for the firehouse. Elsa stays until late morning, when she has to leave to open her shop and Will comes by after his shift, staying until visiting hours are over and they go home. Elsa stops by one last time to check on them, make sure they ate dinner before going up to her apartment for sleep, leaving Will and Emma to retire to their respective areas in the apartment. Emma doesn't sleep at night anymore, the bed being too large and too cold but she takes naps during the day with her head bent awkwardly next to Killian's arm or shoulder, refusing the nurses' offers to set up a cot for her because that suggests some sort of permanence of this routine. She suspects Will does most of his sleeping at the firehouse between calls. Killian is just always asleep.
Ashley and Ruby take turns bringing lunch and dinner and Mary Margaret stops on the second day with hot cocoa and muffins in the afternoon. Henry is the only person the nurses let through without a question and when he comes in precisely at 4pm every day, Emma gives up her seat on Killian's right side so Henry can sit there and read aloud to Killian from his storybook. When he's done, he usually confides in Killian about his day or just random events that come to mind. The first time after he starts doing that, Emma asks him about it.
"Do you really think he can hear us?"
"Yes." Henry says simply and with more conviction than she's ever heard from any doctor. "Killian's listening to us, somewhere in there and I think he can sense that we're here. Besides, it's just as important for us in the waking world to hold onto hope. It's a powerful thing, you know?"
"Even more powerful than…" Emma squints at the page he has open, a picture of Snow White and Prince Charming standing next to a glass coffin, "True Love's Kiss?"
Henry nods fervently, "It goes hand-in-hand with True Love's Kiss."
Emma smiles contemplatively at the boy, "When did you get to be so wise?"
He shrugs, "Somewhere around chapter 16 when the knights start questing."
From that point forward, she makes a point to start vocalizing her thoughts to him. Sometimes talking pointlessly about trivial things like they would sometimes do when he's waiting for her at the diner to finish her shift, other times she whispers memories and bold wishes for their future, hoping to inspire his recovery.
Maybe she's been listening to too many fairytales.
Still, it's all she's got, this hope and belief that everyone seems to want her to have. But it's hard when she's quite literally living out her recurring nightmare and the one person she always relies on to wake her up from it is stuck in a perpetual slumber.
It gets infinitely worse when Lancelot and a rugged looking, sandy-haired man walk in on the second day after the surgery.
She stands as Graham walks into the room as well, lightly setting Killian's hand back onto the bed.
"Hi Emma," Graham gives her small smile, "How is he?"
"He's fine." Emma says in a tone Elsa would have called 'prickly,' "Is everything okay?"
Lancelot's voice is gravelly when he speaks, "Why don't you have a seat."
Emma wants to protest, to remain standing as if her defiance will make the bad news go away but Graham gives her a small nod and she sinks back down into her chair, angling her torso so she can face then men in front of her.
"Is anyone else here? Elsa? Your mother?" Lancelot asks, kneeling before her as the unfamiliar man and Graham both pull up chairs around Emma.
She shakes her head, mumbling something about how Will's parents only come in the mornings and at dinner so Emma can take a break to stretch her legs.
"Emma, we have some news about the fire that Lieutenant Jones- that Killian- responded to." Graham starts, leaning forward in his seat so his elbows rest on his knees.
Emma's eyes cut to the stranger, recognizing the emblem printed on the chest of his shirt. Her stomach drops and she grabs Killian's fingers, knowing what's about to come next.
"Emma, this is Kristoff Bouldernen, one of the lieutenants of the Carlion Fire Department."
"Miss Nolan, pleasure to meet you." Kristoff says kindly.
Emma nods, forcing a quick smile before turning to Graham, knowing he will deliver the news with the directness she needs. "Tell me."
Graham takes a deep breath, "We believe the fire was the work of an arsonist. We're still combing through evidence, but Emma, the signs are there."
"You think this has to do with the arsonist you've been chasing for the past few months." Emma demands, turning back to Lancelot.
"We don't have the evidence yet to make that conclusive determination, but I promise you, Miss Nolan, we have all hands on deck trying to get to the bottom of this." Kristoff assures her and Emma believes him, except for one thing.
"If it's all hands on deck then why is it a lieutenant delivering the news and not your captain? No offense." She adds hastily but Kristoff waves it away good-naturedly.
"Our captain is preoccupied at the moment." He says in a manner that seems more rehearsed than it should be.
"Emma, there's something else." Lancelot says, drawing her attention back to his troubled eyes. Her fingers tighten around Killian's and that action doesn't seem to escape any of the men around her. "Emma, the call stated that there was a child trapped in the house. Robin and his crew combed over every inch of that house. They never found a child."