Chapter 19

Iruka ran as fast as he could to the Hokage tower. He needed to stop Jiraiya from leaving with Naruto's journals at all costs. He knew that if they didn't return them, if Naruto discovered the truth, they would lose him for good. He burst through the doors, uncaring if Tsunade was busy and declared an emergency. The Hokage dismissed her current company and bid Iruka to explain.

"We need to call Jiraiya and Kakashi here immediately. Those journals need to be put back right now. If we don't get them back, we might lose him." Iruka spoke so quickly that Tsunade barely understood. She activated Kakashi's and Jiraiya's summoning marks and waited, asking Iruka to have a seat a take a breath. Tsunade could sense that Jiraiya was three towns over, clearly getting a head start on his journey. He would not be impressed at being recalled but she could understand Iruka's concern despite only being given the minimum facts. She would wait for the others before getting the whole story.

Iruka tried to calm his breathing, he felt so guilty, he had betrayed Naruto, invaded his privacy and read thoughts not meant for anyone else. He didn't like the idea of having to lie to Naruto but he could see what would happen if they revealed this truth, good intentions be damned. The way Naruto spoke about his journals, Iruka knew they had a crossed a line, one that Naruto would not forgive any of them for. Iruka paced Tusnade's office as they waited for their companions. Jiraiya would be a few hours at least.

Kakashi was still picking entries at random to read when he came across an entry that gave him pause. It was a simple entry following the chuunin exams and the fateful battle he fought with Gaara.

I think I finally have someone in my life who understands. He has seen the same darkness as me, but he reacted differently. He wanted to hurt everyone else to get that acknowledgement. I have never wanted to hurt others, but I see how that's an option for people like us. Wanting to be seen, any kind of acknowledgement, through any means necessary. I think he is much stronger than I am though. He shows people how he real feels, he lets them see his pain, unlike me, I hide behind lies and smiles but I think this is the path I am meant to be walking. I am glad to have found a friend, someone who genuinely gets me. Its nice that he's from a different village too just in case I ever enact one of my other plans and abandon the village, maybe I will find in him somewhere to run to...

Kakashi should have known that things were not alright. He had seen the darkness of the village himself, yet he didn't try to help Naruto. He let his sensei's child grow up alone and unloved. Of course he had thought about abandoning the village. He had considered it before Sasuke. Kakashi began to wonder if he had not left the village because Sasuke had, because of the pain that departure caused. Kakashi skimmed a few more entries that spoke of sadness and hopelessness until he got to the entry about the hospital roof.

He truly hates me. I've seen enough hatred in my life to know how pure his is. I don't understand, I thought we had become something close to friends, but I will always just be worthless scum. It was pretty close to be over though. I wasn't going to use my rasengan on him. While we fought an idea formed in my head. He hated me so much, why not let him end me? The more we fought, the more his hatred grew. When he formed that chidori, I had resolved to letting him end me until we were interrupted. I was so close to freedom and yet another shinobi thought they were helping by saving me. No one wants me in this village, yet everyone wants to keep me alive. It's just not fair.

Kakashi could feel tears in his eyes as he read the next entry, detailing Sasuke leaving the village.

Well there goes that option. I can't leave now. The sadness and despair I have seen in their eyes, the anger and betrayal, I can't do that to Granny or Kakashi-sensei or even Sakura. He had everything, acknowledgement and people who wanted to be in his life, but he still chose to abandon everything. All for Orochimaru. Whatever, I said I would bring him back but I know the risks. There are a lot of powerful people who want him so maybe one of them will end me. I tried to do this alone but the others insisted on coming. I will have to try and shield them so its only me who ends up dead.

Kakashi closed the journal and tried to master his breathing. He tried to remember the events, mixing his perspective with Naruto's. All those times he was saving the young genin when he didn't want to be saved. Kakashi felt his body start to shake but it was cut off when his summoning mark began to burn. He quickly grabbed the journals he possessed, fixed his appearance and went to the Hokage tower.

Jiraiya was just about to lay down for the night when he felt his mark burning. Immediate panic struck him. Tsunade would never recall his from a mission unless it was an emergency. His first thought was Naruto and a slimy dread spread throughout his body. He gathered his things quickly and raced back to Konoha.

It took just over 3 hours to reach Konoha, some bandits tried to attack him on the way and received the beating of a man with no time for their crap. Jiraiya was exhausted as he stumbled into Tsunade's office. The sun had begun to rise and Iruka was pacing nervously, knowing it wouldn't be long before Naruto woke up and wanted to get his things.

Tsunade addressed them as the Sannin, slumped against a chair, tried to catch his breath. "I'm sorry to recall you Jiraiya but it was an emergency. We need to return the journals to Naruto's apartment. Iruka was asked if they could be retrieved by Naruto who also suggested that he would be broken beyond repair if anyone else discovered them. Obviously we will never tell him what we have discovered. Before we replace them, we have to find out what caused this last episode, Jiraiya please hand the journal to Iruka. He will read the last entry for us before we return them to their resting place."

Jiraiya nodded weakly. There was so much he hadn't read in them but it was too late now, they needed to be returned.

Iruka started as his voice wobbled:

Today was not a good day. This village does not feel like home. Just walking around I can still feel their eyes. That hatred is still there, sure they are quieter about it, but I can still hear the whispers. 'There goes that monster... Lost us the Uchiha... Shouldn't exist... Waste of space... Dirty brat... Wish he would just die already...' It doesn't matter what I do, they will never truly cherish me. I will always be the demon fox to this village. Kurama says I don't have to live like this, we can leave, being a missing nin would hurt less. He says we are strong enough to survive it. But I don't feel that way. I don't feel strong at all, I can't even survive a day alone with my thoughts and I don't want to. The words they throw, the objects, I'm done trying to dodge them or rise above. I don't want this life.

Today someone tried to touch me, to use my body. It wasn't the same ninja as before, but it all felt the same, pushed up against the alley wall, hands roaming and words falling past my ears. I don't remember much except the pain and the feeling of being dirty. Kurama saved me before anything really bad happened. I know he was waiting for me to save myself but I just can't. I cant save myself.

I have left an escape route for Kurama if he would like it. When my heart stops beating, he will have an opportunity to escape and be free. He tells me he won't abandon me but I don't want him to die because of me. He is the only one who has never lied or deceived me. More than anything, I have survived this long because of him but no more. I am done. The stares are strangling me and I am done trying to breathe.

Iruka finished reading, closed the journal and placed it on Tsunade's desk. No one spoke as the moments dragged on until Tsunade cleared her throat. He voice was weak as she gave her orders. "Re- return the journals and letters to where you found them. Put everything back exactly how it was. Iruka, bring Naruto to me in the morning so that he can ask me the question and retrieve his journals. Jiraiya rest tonight and then leave when you are ready. Kakashi, make preparations for the mission. You are dismissed. No one will ever breath a word about these journals. Do I make myself clear?" All three ninja's nodded solemnly and went about their assigned tasks.