Chapter 27: Godot's Adventures in Heaven
A/N: I lied, this chapter is actually the longest one yet. Sorry!
While John Phoenix was liberating the POW camp, Godot resumed being not unconscious again.
"Ugh, where am I...?" he asked. He looked around and saw that he was in a prison. But there was something strange about this prison... it was made out of bricks!
"What the hell! Heaven is only supposed to be made out of clouds, not bricks!" He thought for a moment. "Oh yeah, I already made that observation. Damn, my head hurts."
Godot tried to move, but he was chained to the wall by his wrists!
"I've gotta escape heaven prison!" he panted.
Just then two shadowy figures entered the room. They stepped into the light and revealed themselves to be Damon Gant and Damon Gant!
"Wake up from your little nap, Godot?" asked Damon Gant (the first one). He held up an object. "I used this object to make you unconscious."
"By the way," said Damon Gant (the other one), "I'm not actually Damon Gant." He took off his mask and he was actually Satan all along!
"Satan?" gasped Godot. "How'd you get into heaven?"
"Easy. That man who was running up and down the mountains who looked like Damon Gant? The one you had John Phoenix handcuff? That was actually me!"
Godot was shocked. "No... no! Damn you, Satan, you sly old alley cat! How did you know to dress up as Gant and run up and down a mountain!"
Satan laughed as he zipped off the rest of his Damon Gant suit. "Easy again," said Satan. "I simply teamed-up with Manfred and Damon here. It was all their idea."
Suddenly Satan pulled out a gun and pointed it and Godot! "Now hand over the magic handcuffs, you little bitch. We searched you while you were out but we didn't find them. You ate them, didn't you!" He gestured wildly with the gun. "Puke them up immediately!"
"Don't have 'em," Godot grinned. "I gave the handcuffs to John Phoenix. Why do you want them anyway? You're already in heaven."
"Because, idiot," replied Satan, "the cuffs have a secondary function. Are you playing dumb? Or did God just not tell you? The handcuffs can also be used to teleport someone in heaven back to Earth."
"Haven't you guys overthrown God and taken over heaven?" asked Godot. "That's sure as hell what it looked like to me before I got conked on the head. Why don't you just leave by the front gates?"
"Because, asshole," said Satan, "after I was teleported to heaven and opened the gates to let my underworldly minions in, I was unfortunately caught on the surveillance camera and God put the emergency forcefield up. Now no one can leave heaven by normal means, not even by spirit channeling, and it's screwing up our evil plans! The forcefield will only deactivate if God says the magic words. Right now my devils are trying to torture the words out of him."
"You bastard!" screamed Godot. "When I get my hands on you...!"
"I guess if you don't have the cuffs there's nothing to do but to shoot you with my devil gun," said Satan. "One thing you may not know about the devil gun is that anyone who is shot by it gets their soul trapped in the bullet that killed them. Forever."
"Wait a minute!" cried Godot, thinking hard, combining fragments of logic in his mind. "That description... that sounds like the angel gun Merlin made! But Merlin would never make a gun for someone like you, Satan!"
"Merlin didn't make this gun," replied Satan. "Someone else did. As for who that person is, well, you'll have plenty of time to think it over while your soul is trapped in a bullet for eternity! Ahahaha!"
Satan fired the gun, but Godot remained calm. He simply grinned and raised a finger to his visor. If you are a careful reader, you may have noticed a name on his visor: "Merlin". Before Godot had returned to heaven, Merlin had made him a new visor, and this one shoots lasers!
He pressed a button on the side of the mask and a laser shot out and destroyed the bullet!
"What the," said Satan in shock, distracted by the bullet being destroyed. While Satan was distracted, Godot used his laser vision to melt the chains holding him to the wall, and then he did the same to the bars in the window!
"Hey, Sadie, stop being distracted!" cried Gant, pointing at Godot. "Godot is taking advantage of your distraction to escape!"
"What!" roared Satan, averting his gaze from the empty space in the air he had been staring at. "Stop escaping at once!"
But Godot ignored this command and hopped out the window! He fell thirty feet and landed in a soft pile of clouds. Then he held his robe really high above his thighs so he could run faster and sprinted down the cloud hill away from the prison. Devil bullets whistled past him but thankfully they only grazed his skin.
Godot wondered whether his skin would grow back, or if the souls of his skin cells would be trapped in bullets forever, but he decided escaping was more important than pondering this very interesting theological question, so he jumped down a spillway and was carried away by the river.
"Curses!" cursed Satan from the window. "He escaped! Quick, Gant, alert the devil guards!"
Godot jumped out of the river and then ran along the train tracks to downtown heaven. A garish neon sign caught his attention and to his shock and horror he saw that Satan had built a strip club in heaven! And worst of all, it was made of bricks!
"Strip clubs are immoral and they exploit women," said Godot. He started shooting at the building with his laser vision. One of the beams hit a gas line and the club blew up and people and demons let out horrific death screams. A devil flew out of the building and landed at Godot's feet. His limbs had been blown off and the stumps were bleeding profusely.
"Kill me," the devil gurgled.
"No."
Godot nailed the devil to a tree with a railroad spike through the chest, and then Godot left him to die. But first, he cauterized the bleeding stumps with lasers so it would take longer for the devil to die and he would suffer more.
"Okay," said Godot, jogging off, "now that's that taken care of, where next?"
He decided to go hide out at Mia's house. She lived in a run-down cloud hovel. Why did she live in hovel, while Manfred and Gant got cloud mansions? Simple: because Manfred and Gant were very flawed individuals who did a lot of morally dubious things in their lives, so their arrival in heaven had been heralded with more joy and trumpet playing than Mia's, because it was obvious Mia was going to get in to begin with.
Therefore they got mansions.
Godot went inside without knocking. "Hey, kitten, what's shaking?" he asked. He went to the fridge to get a beer.
"Oh, hello, Diego," said Mia. She and Maya were wearing rags and peeling potatoes at the kitchen table.
"It's Godot," he corrected. Then he spewed his beer out. "Ppppppwwwweeeetft! How come your sister is dead all of a sudden?"
"She got murdered by her cousin Pearl," explained Mia. "Pearl and Iris are Khurainese terrorists and they tried to rope her into spirit channeling some people important to their mission."
"I don't know who, though," said Maya. "They were very vague about it."
Godot jumped onto the couch and sprawled out. "Yowza, so I guess I should have killed Pearl in addition to that Ellie Dee Vasquez or whatever her name was, huh?"
"I know right? I still can't believe Pearly killed me," said Maya sadly. "Ungrateful little cunt."
"Whoa, watch the swear words, little missy!" warned Godot. He was glad John Phoenix wasn't here. He flipped through the TV guide and then lifted the remote and tried to go the motorcycle channel but he couldn't!
"What the hell? I can't get the motorcycle channel? What gives, kitten?" He wanted to watch the motorcycle channel because they were showing reruns of the jump John Phoenix had made over the Grand Canyon shortly before going to Khurain. He only did it on a whim to test out his new motorcycle, but the jump ended up shattering all previous records and was even cooler than Robbie Knievel's jump!
"Satan took over the broadcast station and converted it into a torture chamber," explained Mia. "That's where God and St. Peter are being held."
Godot yawned and went to get another beer. "And no one has thought to mount a rescue mission?" He slammed the fridge. "Kitten, you disappoint me. Then again, this is man's work."
He belched and went over to the window and peered out. Mia's nextdoor neighbor Gregory Edgeworth was mowing his lawn. Greg saw Godot and waved.
"Top of the morning to you neighbor!" he said.
Godot ignored him and closed the blinds. "Kitten, why is that cat so happy? Normally he's moping around like the saddest bastard in existence."
"Well, you know his wife, Bethany Edgeworth?" asked Mia, laying down her potato peeler. "The one we all thought went to hell because no one could find in her heaven? Well, she showed up at Greg's house just a few hours after you left!"
"Hmm, suspicious," remarked Godot. He decided to investigate.
He waited until Gregory went inside, then he sneaked over to the open window of Greg's house and looked in.
"It's been so long, Bethany," murmured Gregory Edgeworth.
"I have missed you, my dear husband," said Bethany Edgeworth. Then they started kissing.
"Blech," shuddered Godot, then he went around to the back of the and saw a gravestone!
The gravestone read: "RIP my son, God took him early, 2028-2028"
"Who could this be referring to?" wondered Godot. But what was also strange was that the grave was open!
Godot went over to investigate but then he tripped on a cloud and fell into the grave!
He landed in a black-and-white living room in a fancy house. He immediately figured out what happened. He had gone through a flashback portal. Every family in heaven had their own flashback portal they could use to watch things they had done on Earth. Godot kept his flashback portal in his closet and didn't use it much. Too many painful memories.
Gregory Edgeworth was sitting in his easy chair, wearing a wife beater and boxers, and stitching "Home Is Where the Hearth Is" in an embroidery hoop. As a logical defense attorney, he knew that homes have hearths, not hearts.
Godot waved a hand in front of Greg's face but he got no reaction.
"Hmm, looks like he can't hear or see me," remarked Godot. "Happenin'."
Suddenly Greg set his stitching down.
"Where is that woman!" he cried. "Probably out that cavorting with... him. Damn you, Bethany Edgeworth! How could I have married such a witch!"
Miles Edgeworth walked into the room. He had a tail sticking out of his pants.
"Father, I grew a tail in my sleep," said Miles. "My tail is prehensile. I can use it to turn doorknobs and lift my special fork."
Gregory exploded out of his chair and roared like Godzilla!
"Damn you, you little abomination!"
Greg cut off Miles's tail with a pair of scissors and nailed it above the fireplace. Then he picked up the crying Miles and held his face near the tail.
"Never, ever grow a tail again, or I shall cut off your head and mount it above the fireplace!"
Godot was stunned. But then he read the subtitles above Greg's head. They explained that Gregory derived no enjoyment from threatening his toddler son like this, but a line in the sand had to be drawn. If his son continued to grow tails, or do the other bizarre things he had been doing, Miles would be kidnapped by the government and experimented on, or at the very least kidnapped by carnies and forced to work in a freakshow.
Baby Miles grew so ashamed whenever he saw the tail above the fireplace that he never grew one again. Or at least that's what Godot got out of the subtitles.
"Now get back to your room!"
Miles ran off crying and slammed his door.
"Hmm, that's weird," said Godot. "Wonder why the ol' Edgester grew a tail?"
Greg collapsed into his chair, but he got only a moment's rest before Bethany Edgeworth came home.
"Bethany, where were you?" asked Greg. He tapped his watch. "You were supposed to be home hours ago. You were with him again, weren't you!"
Bethany folded her arms. "Gregory, I told you in no uncertain terms when I married you that I wouldn't let you interfere with my work," she said cooly. "Stop being such a jealous baby."
"I'll show you a baby!" Gregory took a swing at his wife but she just picked him up, spun him around, and threw him onto the ceiling fan. Then she flicked a switch and it started spinning around at high speed.
"Bethany, stop this crazy thiiiiiiiiiiinnnnng!" screamed Greg, holding on to a blade.
"I'll let you down once you learn how to behave like a gentleman," she said, and she went into the kitchen to fix herself a highball.
Godot took all this in. "Damn, his mom has a nice rack. Too bad Edgeworth isn't a girl."
Suddenly unknown arms hooked themselves under Godot's armpits and lifted him out of the flashback!
Godot landed on the ground. "Pfft, peh pah!" he said, spitting out clouds. "What the heck-" He looked up and gulped.
It was... Gant and Satan! And a small army of devils!
"Gotcha, Godot," grinned Satan. He quickly grabbed Godot's head and started using the visor's laser to make a hole in the clouds!
"Yes, it's cutting through the barrier!" exclaimed Satan. "Just as you suspected it would, Gant!"
Godot knew he couldn't let Satan destroy the barrier, so he pressed the self-destruct button and blew up his mask!
"GAH! DAMN IT!" cried Satan. "GET THIS BASTARD OUT OF HERE!"
The devils threw him into a paddy wagon.
"What's the matter, Satan?" asked Godot, eyes bleeding. "Aren't you gonna whip out that teeny weeny little gun of yours and shoot me?"
"I decided that I've already wasted enough bullets on you. Instead, I'm gonna cart you off to my torture chamber. I got a spot just next to God with your name on it. You can keep him company as I flay your skin off! Hahaha!"
Godot was taken away. Gant dropped down and examined the hole.
"Hmm, the hole you made is pretty small, Sadie," said Gant, "and no one could possibly fit through it, but maybe if someone stood directly over it they could be channeled?"
"Worth a shot," shrugged Satan.
Gant and Satan did the KRA salute and then split up to get the targets.
Meanwhile... back in Los Angeles...
Marvin Grossberg was sitting on a sidewalk bench putting the finishing touches on the legal documents he needed to represent John Phoenix's cousin in court. He occasionally threw a handful of bird seed on the ground and watched the pigeons. Grossberg always finished up his paperwork while feeding pigeons because he was an old man and old people like pigeons. Also, he just liked pigeons.
Across the street, a door opened in the face of the clock tower. Lotta Hart stood in the door and raised her camera. Her camera was also a gun.
"Time to put this old fool outta commission," said Lotta. She aimed at Marvin through the viewfinder.
Viola appeared over her shoulder. "Lotta, why are we aligning ourselves with the terrorists?" she asked. "Shouldn't you hate them for detonating a suitcase nuke and destroying the heartland, killing over 150,000,000 people?"
"Ya can't judge an entire terrorist organization by the actions of few extremists, Viola," responded Lotta. "Now shut yer trap 'fore I belt ya. Lawd!"
Lotta took careful aim and fired a bullet that shattered Grossberg's left kneecap!
People screamed and ran away, pigeons flew off, and Marvin struggled to get up, but he was too fat to do so easily. Then Lotta shot his other kneecap.
"Oh god, this hurts worse than my hemorrhoids," said Grossberg. "Ouch!"
Lotta brayed evil laughter. "Okay, Viola honey, yer up!"
Viola Cadaverini threw a knife over Lotta's shoulder and it stabbed into Grossberg's forehead. There was a sheet of paper on the end of the handle, and Marvin could read the huge print clearly.
"DON'T DEFEND JOHN PHOENIX'S COUSIN! ONLY JOHN PHOENIX CAN DO IT! CONSIDER THIS A WARNING! TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"
Lotta was so busy laughing evilly that she didn't notice Viola's infant baby crawl under her legs and grab onto one of the hands of the clocktower.
"Hahahaha... huh?" Lotta said. "Viola, why aren't ya watching your damn baby!"
Viola was busy in the corner setting a dead mouse on fire. "Hee hee hee... fire... burns things..."
"Viola, ya listenin' to me?" asked Lotta, trying to grab the baby, but the hand had carried it out of reach.
"What's wrong, I'm busy." She clapped as the mouse corpse burned to ashes.
"Viola, yer damn baby is hangin' off the clocktower!"
Viola screamed. "My baby! NOOOOOOoooooo!" She shoved Lotta out of the way and held out her arms. "Furio Cadaverini! Come to mommy!"
But the baby was too far away! It was giggling, but its weak baby fingers couldn't hold on much longer! No! It was slipping!
"Someone save my baby!" screamed Viola.
Down in the streets below, Carlos Flavioli was wheeling his chair over to Grossberg to help him. Then he heard this cry and looked up.
The baby fell! The mother screamed!
Carlos Flavioli leapt out of his chair and dashed over to the falling baby! He dived forward and caught the baby at the last moment!
Viola and Lotta ran down the clocktower and he gave the mother her baby back.
"Oh thank you! Never do that to mommy again, young man!" said Viola kissing her baby on the head.
"Uh, we're just innocent bystanders," said Lotta. She grabbed Viola and pulled her away. "C'mon!" They ran off.
Carlos Flavioli watched them go, his eyes inscrutable behind his cool sunglasses. Now his secret was exposed to the world. His feet and spine...
...
Weren't actually broken!
Later...
Gumshoe pulled up to the crime scene. He and his son got out of the car and walked over to Grossberg's corpse.
"Okay, Bobert, I'm gonna teach you how detective work works," said Gumshoe. He ripped the knife out of the victim's head and handed it to Bobert. "That's called 'evidence,' son. Evidence has fingerprints on it."
"But father Gumshoe, I see no fingerprints?"
Gumshoe chuckled. "That's 'cause ya gotta use the white stuff." He took a bottle of fingerprint powder out of his coat and dumped the entire contents on the knife. "Now ya gotta blow it off. Oh, I know it looks good but don't eat it, I tried, it tastes horrible."
Bobert Gumshoe blew the powder off.
"Oh! Father! I found fingerprints!"
Gumshoe took the knife. "Hmm, let's see, oh they're yours and mine, guess we covered up the killer's prints. This piece of evidence is worthless now." He threw it over his shoulder into some bushes. "Okay, no harm no foul, let's look for more evidence!"
Suddenly Gumshoe in real life paused the video.
"And that's what you DON'T do at a crime scene," he explained. You see, this was actually a training seminar. "Sure was nice of Grossberg to pretend to be dead and let us use him in our a training video before we took him to the hospital. Anyway, any questions?"
A detective in the back raised his pencil. "Yeah, I got one, why the hell is your son's name 'Bobert'? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard."
"OH, NO YOU DIDN'T, PAL!" roared Gumshoe. "He's named after my grandfather Robert Gumshoe! When I was a little kid I called him 'Bobert' and that became his nickname. He died 10 years ago of Alzheimer's and towards the end he started calling ME Bobert. So you see, I named my kid Bobert to HONOR my grandfather. So naming him Bobert isn't stupid, it's SMART and POIGNANT!"
So now you know why Gumshoe's son is named Bobert and why that's smart and poignant.
Later... in Khurain...
The Dragon, after meeting John Phoenix, went back to the royal palace in Khurain City. He went through the secret entrance so no one would see him in his armor. Because, you see, the Dragon was actually the shadowy person from the end of chapter 24, but the royal family didn't know he was the leader of the KRA. They knew him only as Percy Percival, the king and queen's adopted son.
Anyway, Percy Percival went to his fireplace room and met with two shadowy figures.
(These are two brand new shadowy figures, by the way.)
"I just received word that the channeling was a success," said Percy. "The plan moves forward. Go get the Khurainese Power Crystal at once! Oh, and hide this in the temple." Percy handed one of the shadows St. Peter's magic pen. "Just looking at this makes me feel guilty for stealing it. Hide it away deep, deep in the temple where John Phoenix will never find it. Understand?"
"Nyeh heh heh, of course, master!"
"Kheh heh heh, it will be done!"
The two shadowy figures climbed up the chimney.
To be continued...
BONUS EMOJIS
Satan 👹
Gregory Edgeworth 👨 ️ ️
Bethany Edgeworth 👸
Marvin Grossberg 🎅
Furio Cadaverini 😗
The shadowy figures 👥