A/N - We are reaching the end. There's just one more chapter after this one. I really appreciate everyone who has been following the story. This was my first foray into fanfic and it really just started as a way for me to work through some of the missing pieces I felt the show left. It also was a return to writing for me, something that I did a lot of when I was younger but haven't found the time for in recent years. I'm really glad so many people have enjoyed the story. I've never written a mystery before so it was fun to try something different. I think this is the longest chapter yet, so enjoy.
Chapter 27 - Finally
Logan
I finally manage to get a few hours of sleep, but when I wake up, my mind is still racing. I'm desperate for today to go well. Of course, if I don't call her and set up something soon, I'm going to lose my nerve. Strange to think that I'm the one considering running away, avoiding the unbearable pain when it's usually her.
I take a quick shower, throw on some clothes. I'm too nervous to eat, but given my lack of sleep caffeine is a necessity. Pacing while I drink my coffee, I stare at my phone. Man up Echolls, just call her. I've given a lot of thought to where we should have this conversation. While my condo has been the scene of two traumatic events, it's also the place I feel safest outside of Keith's house. I considered just doing this at Keith's but I want complete privacy, also why I've ruled out any public places. My condo is big enough for us to take a break from one another if this becomes heated or we need a minute.
Veronica and I have too much passion between us for me to think that we won't have times when we get mad at one another. I'm just hoping that we can work through those periods of anger and remember that we love one another.
I stop pacing finally, put my coffee cup down on the island and call her.
"Hi" she answers almost immediately. There's a tiredness to her voice that makes me wonder if she's been thinking about this all night as well.
"Hi." I am quite the conversationalist this morning. That really bodes well for a "dragging the past out into the light" kind of conversation. I clear my throat and try to continue "I was hoping that maybe you could come over here. I'll make…" I pause and look at the time on my phone "brunch."
"Brunch would be good." she says nervously. "What time do you want me there?"
Now, would now be good and then stay forever?
"An hour or so? Give me time to fry up the bacon." I'm trying for light hearted but I'm not sure it's coming off quite right.
"I can do that." She pauses. I almost think that she's hung up on me, but a glance at my phone shows that the call is still connected. "I'll see you then Logan."
"I'll be the one with food." I mean seriously Logan? I need to get it together. She laughs lightly and then I hear her say bye quietly before ending the call. I have sixty minutes to get some food ready and pull my head out of my ass before I have the most important conversation in my young life.
Looking through my fridge, I realize that I'm going to have to use some of those precious sixty minutes to run to the local store cause wouldn't you know it I'm fresh out of, well, everything.
I grab my keys and run to the local market. I don't think I've ever grocery shopped so fast in all my life. On my way to the store, I planned out a menu, something to keep my thoughts from getting the best of me. A simple omelette with lots of cheese because my girl loves cheese, bacon, of course, some bagels and that chive cream cheese that she used to love so much. I also grab some juice, impatiently getting in line.
What if I'm not there when she arrives, will she think the worst and leave? That's been a running theme in our relationship. She always assumes the worst of me. I'm really hoping that's not still the case because the woman in front of me in line is just so damn slow. How many freaking coupons does she need?
Finally, I'm out of the store with my goods and headed back to my condo. I glance at my phone and calm myself realizing that while it felt like it took forever, the trip really only took about twenty minutes. Plenty of time for me to get everything ready.
I occupy myself with preparing the food, setting the table, trying to not jump ahead in my head. I still have ten minutes until my sixty minutes are up and I spend every one of them pacing and double checking everything. Running my hand over the back of my neck I realize that I've moved beyond nervous into the soon to be a panic attack realm. I really need to calm down.
I plop myself down on my couch and try the breathing techniques Jane taught me. I feel my heartrate start to slow and I find a calm within myself. I'm psyching myself out. The conversation will be difficult but Veronica says she loves me. She never told me that before, things will be different this time. I just know it.
I hear a knock on the door and stand up, smoothing down my shirt. When I open the door I see her standing there, love of my life, the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, smiling at me shyly. I smile, open my mouth to say hi...
"Marry me." What the fuck? Did I just say that?
Veronica
When Logan finally called, my nerves went into overdrive. I wasn't even ready and I had only an hour to mentally and physically prepare for a conversation that was going to decide the rest of my life. If we couldn't make it work this time, this was game over. We wouldn't be getting another chance like this. As much as I've grown I just can't imagine going through the pain of losing him again.
I don't think I ever told him how much those breakups really hurt me. I know back then I did everything I could to not show how much he had hurt me or how much I was pining for him. I guess that might be a good place to start.
I got a quick shower, grabbed a cup of coffee, and told my dad goodbye.
"Where are you off to?" my dad asked as I gave him a quick hug.
"I'm headed to Logan's for brunch."
"Should I expect you back for dinner?" I looked at him. I was a grown adult but still the idea of telling my dad that I didn't plan on coming home tonight, that I was hoping that Logan and I would be done with the conversational portion of our evening and well onto our making up for lost time portion of the evening just didn't set right. Still, I was a grown ass adult and I needed to be clear with my father on what he could expect if Logan and I got back together.
"Probably not. In fact if things go well today, I may just stay with Logan the rest of break." My dad raised an eyebrow at me.
"Well I hope things go well for both of you. Just remember he's not the same person you left and neither are you."
"I know. I'll text you later and let you know for sure if I won't be home tonight. I know how you worry." I smile at him, picking up my bag and running out the door. I'm nervous and scared, but this is beyond due. If we cna make it through today and some really heavy conversations then we can make it through just about anything.
The whole way up to Logan's on the elevator, I keep telling myself to stay open, not get mad, not get defensive. I take a step off the elevator, ready for anything.
Logan opens the door, all the love he feels shining in his eyes. I smile at him, damn he looks good. I'm ready for this, I tell myself one more time. I'm ready for…
"Marry me." He says. From the look on his face I'd say that was not what he had planned on saying. There's shock followed quickly by terror. I can only imagine that my face shows a similar expression of shock and fear. I was ready for anything, but not this. My mind is screaming at me to turn around and run as fast and as far away from him as I can.
I take a deep breath. Running is not an option, not this time.
"What happened to slow?" I ask him.
"I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from." He runs a hand over the back of his neck, still nervous but somewhat relieved that I didn't just run away screaming. Or maybe he's just happy that I didn't turn him down flat. Why didn't I just say no. It would have been acceptable since the question at this juncture was beyond premature. We weren't even officially back together and who knew if we could make it work this time around.
"Why don't we just start with some brunch and some not so light conversation and see where we go from there?" I say lightly.
"Yeah, good idea. Come in." He says as he realizes he's just been standing there. He moves aside to usher me in. "I made omelette and toasted some bagels, I hope that's okay."
"Sounds good." I say feeling the awkwardness creeping in. This shouldn't be so hard, We've known each other practically our whole lives. Why is starting this conversation so hard, why does it feel like we're practically strangers at this point?
We both sit down at the table he's set after Logan grabs the food from the warming oven. Neither of us say anything while we eat, avoiding looking at each other.
"That was good. When did you learn to cook? Last I knew you were more of the order of food rather than making food variety." I tell him. He immediately stiffens at the reference to our past. I can see him mentally counting to ten before he answers.
"I guess that used to be true, but after rehab, I had a lot of time on my hands. I couldn't really go do the things I used to do, so I had to get some new hobbies. I also didn't want to blow through my trust fund like I had been doing. So I took some classes and found that I really like cooking. There's something kind of zen about it, you know?" He looks at me up through his eyelashes.
"Oh." I'm quiet for a second, not really sure where to go next. "So what else did you take up to replace the endless string of parties?" Wow that came out bitter. His shoulders tense again and I can tell he's biting back some sarcastic quip.
"Umm, well I still surf whenever I can though surfing in San Francisco sucks. I also started working out; I volunteer at a local shelter, read, hang with my friends, that sort of thing." He tells me. "What about you? Now that you're not taking cases, how do you occupy your down time."
"That's a really good question. I don't have a lot of down time with law school but when I did have more time, I worked, hung out with my friends, traveled a bit." I pause, unsure if I'm ready to tell him that unlike him I have dated over the past four years. Obviously he knows that since he met Chris in Arizona, but somehow I doubt that's really what he wants to hear about. Still, we said honesty. "I dated." I tell him looking down at my plate.
I quickly glance up at him and the look on his face is pure pain. I look back down, unsure what to say.
"Lots of nice guys like Piz?" He tries to say it like it's a joke, but we both know it's not. He's jealous and angry at the idea of me dating and just like always I can feel a rising anger in myself at his hypocrisy.
"A few and some not so nice." I shrug.
"I don't want to know." He says quietly. Neither of us speak and he gets up to start clearing dishes. I get up to help him, bringing plates into the kitchen, rinsing things off as he loads the dishwasher. It would be a serene scene of domesticity if it weren't for the fact that we're both still pissed.
"Logan, this won't work." He looks up at me from the plate he's meticulously placing in the dishwasher. Who knew Logan Echolls was anal retentive. I can see him start to panic.
"What? I thought we were going to try. You said you wanted to try." His words are rushed and I'm afraid he's going to have another panic attack.
"I do, I just meant this thing we're doing where we're completely pissed, but being passive aggressive. We did that too many times before and it never worked out for us. I don't want to do that with you again. I want us to communicate. If that means we have to fight then so be it. We just can't pretend."
He lets out a slow shaky breath. "Okay."
"You can't be mad at me for not waiting for you. It's completely hypocritical." I tell him sternly.
"I'm not mad." I glare at him and he shrugs. "Okay, I'm mad, but I'm not mad because you dated. Do I want to hunt down each and every guy who's seen you naked and rip their eyes out of their heads for ever looking at you, yes, but I understand. I don't like it, but I understand. I just don't think I want to hear about them. Living through two of them was bad enough."
"Six."
"Six what?" He asks.
"That's how many guys you would have to hunt down." I tell him.
"Piz?" His body is so tense and I want to wrap my arms around him, but I know that won't help right now.
"No, we broke up right after you beat up Gory in the cafeteria." He nods, a small smile gracing his beautiful face for a second.
"I'm glad."
"Why? What does it matter? How would he be any different than any of the others?" I ask, genuinely curious.
"I don't know. I guess he just bothers me more than the others because I had to watch him try for you all year. I saw him lying in wait, another Duncan wannabe, stalking my girl. I just hate him." He says honestly. "Do you realize that when I met him, you didn't even tell him I was your boyfriend?"
"I didn't?" He shakes his head.
"I had to tell him who I was to you and then you got kind of pissy with me for being a caveman and marking my territory."
"Well you were." I say stubbornly.
"I had to. Dude was obviously into you and he couldn't seem to take a hint. Hell he even invited you on a date." He shakes his head in disgust at the memory.
"Yeah well, he was a douche. And it's not like you were running around telling people I was your girlfriend. In fact you seemed to go out of your way to not tell girls who I was to you." I feel all the old anger at him coming back.
"What are you talking about? I flat out told everyone you were my girlfriend at that stupid party Aaron threw me." He practically growls at me.
"Yeah you did." I concede, but not ready to let this rest. "But when we were in college, you didn't tell any of the flirty skanks hanging all over you, I was your girlfriend. Hell, you didn't even tell me what you were doing half the time."
"That's where we're going? That's how we're starting this?" He looks at me with those sad brown eyes.
"I guess it's as good a place as any." I am almost yelling. It's amazing how quickly our fighting instincts come back to us.
"No." He states, crossing his arms.
"No?"
"No. That's not where we're starting. I don't want to do it like this. I don't want us dragging things out without even going to the beginning to the reasons why you could never trust me, why I did what I did. No."
"Then where do you propose we start?" He doesn't answer, just walks away.
"Logan? Logan!"
Logan
This is not going how I planned. I wanted a calm discussion of our issues, but instead we managed to get ourselves into a fight. It's my fault. I shouldn't have gotten so angry about her dating. She's right, it's hypocritical of me. I expected her to move on. I knew that was going to happen, I can't be mad at her for things or people she's been with while we've been apart.
Stll, I can see this just turning into a battle where neither one of us gets what we want. Rather than letting this escalate, I'm going to get my journal. Maybe some of that will help us get through all of this. I'm still irritated by the way she just assumes the worst of me, not realizing how much I've grown and changed these past four years.
And why the fuck did I ask her to marry me? Granted I've always known that I wanted to marry Veronica Mars, someday. But it was the wrong thing to say, now is so not the time. I was just overwhelmed by the sight of her and thought's always been there. I'm such an idiot.
When I walk back out to the living room, tossing the journal on the coffee table, I see her standing in the kitchen, tears swimming in her eyes, staring off into space. Her arms are around her like she's afraid she's going to break apart. I heard her yelling my name, but I needed a second to calm down. If I had known that she would be looking like this I would have said something.
"Hey, it's okay." I tell her as I walk back up to her, putting my arms around her. That connection of ours sends warmth through me and I wish everything could be solved just by holding her.
She looks up at me, biting her lower lip. "Why did you walk away?"
"I just went to grab something. I wasn't walking away from you. I'm never walking away from you. I just don't want us to tear ourselves apart before we even have a chance. I've spent years thinking about why things didn't work for us, what I did wrong." I take a deep breath, afraid of her reaction when I say "what you did wrong."
She stiffens in my arms for a second and I think 'here it comes, Veronica Mars is never wrong.' But then she relaxes and leans her head against my chest, nodding.
"I did so many things wrong." She whispers into my chest. This more than anything tells me that maybe she's really changed, maybe this isn't just a high from all the danger, maybe we can really work this out.
"We were young. It doesn't excuse everything, but let's face it, we weren't adults. We just thought we were because of all the shit we had been through by that point. In reality, we were still just kids, probably still are." I'm not excusing what we've done or trying to pretend like it's not important or didn't shape us and our relationship, but we need to go into this without thinking that nothing could possibly change.
She takes a step back from me and I let my arms drop. "So what did you have to grab?"
"Promise not to laugh at me?" I ask, already cringing expecting her to remind me that I'm the girl in our relationship. I don't think she ever realized how emasculating that really was. If it wasn't for our bedroom hijinx it would have been one more thing that destroyed us.
"I'll try." She says. I look at her for a long moment debating how to take that. I guess it's good that she doesn't want to make a promise that she can't keep.
"Why don't we start with sitting down?" I take her hand and lead her into the living room, taking a seat on the couch. She hesitates and then sits down a few feet from me. I try not to read into her sudden need for distance.
I pick the journal up off the table and hand it to her.
"What is this?" She asks, already opening it.
"When I was in rehab, Jane, that's my therapist, she had me start a journal to help me understand my emotions. In addition to being an addict, I also have depression, low self-esteem issues, and a form of anxious-preoccupied attachment disorder because of the abuse." I see the look on her face turning to pity and I struggle to maintain a clinical tone. "Jane told me that in a lot of ways I was emotionally a five year old. All of my emotional reactions were stunted even while I played as an adult. She thought that if I could see, in writing, my thoughts on various topics, I might be able to see a better way of handling them."
"It's a common form of therapy." Veronica says to me, still looking at the book in her hands. "So this is your journal."
"Yeah, although it's not really a journal. It's my list. All the things and people that tripped us up, kept us from being better to one another. I thought it might be better for us to start there rather than getting into a fight about college issues. Our problems began a long time before that."
"Lilly." She whispers, fingering the necklace around her neck.
I can't find any words at this point so I just nod. She looks up at me with those beautiful blue eyes. I'm terrified of what happens next. I want to be honest with her, but I don't know what she feels for Lilly and my anger and hatred of her might be a deal breaker for us. Veronica gave up everything to get justice for Lilly, she loved her like a sister.
"Logan, I." she stops herself, looking down. "Is she in here?"
"Yes. Her and Duncan. So much of our history is wrapped up in theirs. I couldn't make sense of it until I dealt with that. It colored so much of what I did to you." I am still ashamed of how I treated her, threw her away and let her be hurt because of two false idols. Wow, look at me, getting all biblical in my head.
"Show me." She whispers holding the book out to me. I take it, nervous. I flip through a few pages until I come to the beginning of the passages where I worked out my feelings about Lilly. I hand the journal to Veronica and watch her start to read.
'Everything comes back to Lilly Kane. Veronica's best friend, Duncan's sister, my girlfriend, my father's mistress and victim. When I met Lilly, I couldn't stand her. She was so fake, but then puberty hit and she blossomed into a beautiful and vivacious young woman. I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame; her blatant sexuality too much for a teen to deny, especially when she was willing to do anything. Lilly had a darkness to her that spoke to me. She and Veronica were so very different, one darkness and sex and the other innocence and purity. Not that Veronica wasn't sexy or hot even back then. She just had a light in her that made her brighter than everyone else and I needed to be in the shadows. I thought I loved Lilly but I was a fucking idiot. Lilly's and my relationship was like my relationship with my father or even my mother. It was a desperate need for love, allowing anything to take the place of true caring. I was quite literally led by my dick. I thought sex and love were the same thing at that point. Lilly fed into my self-loathing. She was the embodiment of all of my deepest fears. I didn't deserve to be loved and her cheating and near abusive treatment of me was misinterpreted as love. God, I hate her. I really and truly hate Lilly Kane. Not just because she slept with my father, not just because she cheated on me again and again, but because of Veronica. If it weren't for Lilly keeping her claws in me, I would have been able to think clearer when she died. Instead I was still wrapped up in the fairy tale of my romance with Lilly. I always knew that I wasn't good enough for Veronica and I was so angry. Angry at Lilly, at my father, at my mother, at Duncan. And Veronica. I was so mad at her. She was supposed to stay by me, but she didn't and I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to hurt her, I wanted to make her feel an ounce of what I felt. She was always so strong, so calm, so fucking good. I wanted her and I wanted to hate her, but I couldn't. Yet I did. Her loss of innocence, her trust issues, everything, it was all my fault. I did that to her, I hurt the one person I've ever truly loved because of Lilly Kane. A girl who didn't deserve Veronica, didn't deserve me. She shouldn't have died the way she did but I can't be sorry that she's gone. She brought it on herself, messing with the fire that was my father. She knew what he was like. Even if I never said the words out loud, she knew what he was like. she saw the bruises, she saw the marks. I might have lied and said they came from elsewhere, surfing, a fight, but she knew. The bitch fucking knew and she still slept with him. She didn't care about me, I was a play thing for her. She and Duncan played with me and Veronica, kept us apart when we could have been good for each other, when we could have saved each other from so much pain. We were just their toys and they broke me and I broke her.'
I've been watching her face closely. It's a risk being so open. There's other passages that I know will make her hate me, but I can't hold anything back.
She looks up at me, tears streaming down her face. "Logan."
"I'm sorry. I can't help how I feel." I apologize. Why am I always apologizing to her? I can feel my anger rising. This always happens, I try to be honest with her and it bites me in the ass.
"Logan, no." She reaches for my hand. "You don't have to be sorry."
We sit in silence for a few minutes, neither of us knowing what to say.
She reaches up to toy with her necklace again, looking anywhere but me. Finally, she takes a deep breath and turns to look at me, squeezing my fingers in her hand. "You gave this to me."
I stare at her, my mouth open in shock. I can't speak so I just nod.
"My dad told me." She answers the question I can't ask. "Your mom told him at my party. He never told me until a few years ago. I had been talking to Craig about Lilly and how very much I hated her for everything she caused and she did. How she hurt you, how she toyed with me, pushing me out of her shadow but then never really letting me be out from under it. How I sacrificed everything, including you, for justice for her only to find out that it was all her fault. I couldn't stand to wear it anymore, it made me feel ill every time I felt it brush against my neck. My dad asked me where it was after I took it off." She pauses, overcome by memories. "I told him about Lilly and how much I hated this necklace because she gave it to me. He told me it never came from her. He told me what your mom had told him all those years ago. I put it back on after that. I wanted to keep a piece of you near me. I couldn't be with you, I couldn't see you, but I wanted to keep a reminder of the love you felt for me all those years ago, how you saw me when no one else did. So you don't have to be sorry for how you feel. I get it."
I let out a shaky breath I didn't know I was holding. "I didn't know."
"How could you? I couldn't let myself discuss it. After we found out that your father murdered her, I wouldn't even let myself think about it. Not really. I just focused on what Aaron did to her. I was so selfish Logan. I didn't want to think about it because then I would have to face that I had sacrificed everything for her when she was nothing but a lying slut. I couldn't tell you how I felt because you still called her your first love. I didn't want to think about how you felt."
I stare at her. It's out in the open now. She doesn't hate me for not loving Lilly, in fact she feels the same way I do. This is one thing that we're in alignment on.
"She's not my first love. You are." I tell her.
"No, Logan, I'm not. You loved Lilly. It's okay to have loved her." She says. I shake my head.
"Veronica, please don't do that. Please don't tell me what I think or what I feel. I have worked so hard to figure things out on my own, I really need you to hear me when I tell you things."
She gasps at the harshness of my tone but nods.
"You are my first love, my only love. I have never loved before you. What I felt for Lilly was nothing. It was sex, it was hormones, it was a child's fears. It was not love."
"How?" She asks.
"How what?" I'm confused.
"How is it just sex? I've never understood that. Everything about sex is personal, a vulnerability. I can't separate my emotions from it."
"I don't know how to explain it. You know I was young when I had sex for the first time. It was such a mess, but the woman figured she could mold me. After a few times, I was really good at it. It was probably the first thing other than surfing that I was really good at. It wasn't emotional, it was just something I could do. Whenever something went wrong, or I felt bad about something that was done to me or that I did I could still do that. It became a sort of coping mechanism."
"So I'm just a coping mechanism?" She frowns.
"No, with you, it's something else entirely. With every other woman I've slept with, it's all physical. I couldn't care less about them, hell I barely even remembered most of them. But with you." I can't continue, thinking about what it's like to have sex with Veronica Mars. It's transcendent, earth shattering. I can't even describe it.
"With me what? Please Logan." she says when I still can't continue. "I need to understand this. I've always been so scared that my lack of experience was going to make you bored one day, and that in turn led to my jealousy."
"What jealousy? You were never jealous." I say to her.
"What are you talking about? I was so jealous, all the time. I couldn't stand seeing you talk to other girls, being with other women. I wanted to scream and hurt all of them for touching you. I wanted to hurt you for choosing them over me."
"I never saw that. You always seemed fine. I didn't think you cared." I mumble.
"Of course I cared. When you asked me if you could ask out Parker, I thought I was going to die." She's crying now, but the pain is still too raw and I can't reach out to her.
"You said it was okay. I didn't want you to say it was okay. I wanted you to tell me no. I wanted any sign that you were hurting over me like I was hurting over you. If you had given me any hint, I never would have dated Parker. I didn't care about her. I just wanted you." I can feel tears coming down my face.
"Then what is it like with me Logan? Please I really need to know."
"I don't have sex with you Veronica. When we're together, it's like I'm making love with my whole soul. It's terrifying and exhilarating. It's not just physical, it's spiritual, transcendent. I can't even describe it. It's like communicating on a whole other level. I just feel home."
"Wow." She says. She reaches out to touch me and I flinch back. Her face shows her confusion.
"Please don't. I can't handle you touching me right now." I tell her.
"Okay." She says meekly, pulling her hand back to her lap and shifting a little further away from me.
"Veronica, I don't think you know what you do to me. If you touch me right now, we're not going to be continuing this conversation for some time. I'm so fucking hard right now, just thinking about what it feels like to be with you." I explain, trying to make her see why I'm holding back.
She smiles at me.
"Logan, why didn't you ever fight for us? You said you wanted me to tell you no, but you never fought for us. You always just let me go when we broke up. You never called, never tried to see me." She asks, changing the subject.
"I didn't think I deserved you. When you left me, it felt like I was just getting what I deserved, like the universe was coming into alignment and punishing me for ever thinking that I could be good enough for you." I shrug. "Also Lilly. When she would break up with me, I would chase after her, do anything she wanted to make her take me back. I don't have much self-esteem but I have a little. I guess I didn't want to repeat all of that with you. I wanted to keep some dignity. I was heartbroken every time we broke up. I wanted you so badly, but I guess even then I knew that I was in too deep. I was afraid of losing myself in you."
"I cried. In the shower, I cried, a lot, when you broke up with me. I pride myself on being this strong woman who doesn't need anyone but I needed you. I tried so hard not to show how I felt, but I hurt so much. I saw you moving on as proof that you didn't really love me, that you were going to always leave me."
We both sit there, silent. I knew this conversation was going to be hard, but I just don't know what to say. A part of me is so joyful, Veronica Mars actually cried over me, but part of me is sad that I caused her such pain, again.
"Veronica, I never wanted to hurt you. I know that I have, but I never wanted to. I love you so much. These past four years, I've barely been hanging on without you. I can never leave you. I wish I could take back everything I did back then. I wish I could have been honest with you, told you how I felt, what I needed from you. I was so scared. I didn't want to disappoint you and that's all I seemed to do."
"Logan, I wish I could take back so much. I wish I could have trusted you. I do, you know."
"Do what?"
"Trust you. I didn't back then and not for the bullshit reasons I gave you that time in the library. I was just so afraid that you would turn on me, leave me, hurt me. I was self-sabotaging."
"I get that. I wasn't worthy of your trust then. I did so many things that even I know made it impossible for you to trust me. I lashed out at you constantly. I was secretive. I didn't really let you be part of my life, but I wanted you to be. I just didn't know how to do it then. I don't know that I do now. I just know that I want to find out."
"Logan, you were always worthy of my trust. Did you do stupid things? Yes, but if I had just asked or tried to talk to you, maybe things would have been different. I was so scared to let myself feel everything for you. It was so big and I was terrified that if I gave myself completely to you, I would lose myself." She is trembling.
"Do you really forgive me for everything? I know you've said you do, but do you really? I was such an asshole to you." I ask. I really need her forgiveness. I need to believe that I have a chance of being worthy of her.
"Yes, god, yes Logan. I forgave you a long time ago for everything, for the salt lick, for not protecting me that night, for being a psychotic jackass, for Madison, everything. I don't want to do this if you can't believe me, if you can't forgive yourself. I want to put our past behind us, finally. Do you think we can do that?" She moves closer to me.
"I do. I've changed Veronica. I'm not that same messed up kid. I was hurting so bad then, but I've grown up a lot. I want everything with you. I want us to be honest, to really talk to each other. I don't want to keep things from you anymore. I want to be your partner in all things."
She takes a shuddering breath.
"So, am I like your girlfriend now?" She gives me that shy half smile that makes me want to kiss her so badly.
"Yes, please." I answer, inching closer to her.
"When do you have to be back for school?" She asks, leaning towards me.
"January 4th. You?" We're close enough to touch now.
"Same. So we're doing this?"
I pull her into my arms and stare into her eyes. "Yes."
"Then I guess we should spend as much time as we can before we go back to school and figure out how we're going to make this work."
"I love you." I tell her before I kiss her. She kisses me before pulling back.
"Logan Echolls, I love you so much. You're my soulmate and I never want to lose you again."
Those words, match, dynamite. We still have to talk, get to know each other again, but this time neither of us is running and I think we can really make it.