chapter 18: failure and yet, love

Mitsuha - 8 June

Everything is a blur. I squint, my vision hazy.

This… isn't right. I slowly begin to make out my surroundings. I'm lying on a bed, but it doesn't have the same… familiarity. The bright white lights are glaring down on me. Every wall around me is a glaring, blinding white.

Is this where everyone ends up when they pass on? Is the afterlife just an empty patch of white emptiness?

Soon, however, my vision clears. I'm in a hospital. I'm not dead yet, I realise with a startle. I can hear the faint beeping of the monitor in the background. No, this can't be. I'm dead, right? I am dead. I am supposed to be dead. I can't possibly be alive.

I try to move my fingers. I gingerly move my hand to my arm and I pinch it as hard as I can. I'm on a drip so it's pretty uncomfortable to move. My arm hurts. Not much, but enough to tell me that I'm still alive. My chest still feels tight and I'm having a pretty bad headache, but I'm alive.

This is the worst possible scenario.

I swallowed so many panadol pills. Heck, I almost emptied the entire box. I was a hundred percent sure that I would have died. I went through so much pain, thinking that I would die. I should have been more careful and hidden the evidence, I should have swallowed more pills, I should have waited until Yotsuha and Grandma weren't at home. But... I didn't. I couldn't even succeed at dying. If I can't even get myself to die, is there anything that I can actually succeed at doing?

I have to deal with the fallout of my actions. All my relatives like Grandma and Yotsuha are going to be so overly concerned about me. I bet Taki won't give a damn about what has happened to me. I've hurt all of them. Even Taki. I've hurt Sayaka, my childhood friend. I've hurt Grandma, who basically raised me. I've hurt Yotsuha, my little sister forced I've hurt so many people. Just because I can't even succeed at killing myself.

I finally stop squinting and my vision clears. As I t

My eyes are still closed, I realise. As I open them and let the nasty, cold, white, light flood in, I already know the terrible scene I'm going to see.

I see Grandma, completely flustered, standing over me. Yotsuha stands beside her, tears in her eyes. She caresses my hand, her old, wrinkled hands trembling. She gapes at me, and I can feel her shock from the way her eyes look.

My emotions change. Again. My cold, hard attitude just… melts. That look on her face… Concern, anxiety, and disappointment. It's the disappointment that hits me hard in my heart. I feel so bad. I feel like a failure of a daughter. Guilt begins to flood me… I haven't only failed, I have also dragged my family into this, which is so much worse. I'm not even a failure, I'm worse than that, at least failures don't hurt others.

All of a sudden, my headache returns full-force, and I feel a wave of pain wash over me and all my muscles suddenly feel dysfunctional and all my joints are burning. I shut my eyes, trying to endure the ache.

My head begins to feel a little light, and I struggle to stay conscious.

I hear Grandma say, barely audibly, "Mitsuha, are you okay? We were so worried when we found you unconscious with the pills."

I try my best to nod, and croak out, "...water...", though I'm not sure if it's even discernible. My throat is parched, and my lungs can barely support my breathing, let alone speaking.

The nurse passes Grandma a paper cup, and then she helps me get up. The cold water revitalizes me, but the ache in my head doesn't go away.

The last of my energy depletes; my eyelids grow heavy, and Yotsuha, noticing this, says, "It's okay Mitsuha, you can rest. We'll be here when you wake up."

I struggle to stay conscious, but ultimately the need to sleep overcomes me. My eyelids slowly shut, and my consciousness slips away.