I'm so sorry I haven't posted the chapter yesterday, I was busy and then I was tired.
Thank you to everyone who fllowed and favorited and reviewed!
Abby2024 : Thank you so much! I'm os happyyou read my fanfiction, especially so fast!
Odeveca : Thank you again for your review! I'll probably make a Helion centeredchapter at some point, to explroe his story with the Lady of Autumn. I'm actually reallyg looking forward to this, especially with everything else that will be going on in the same time! ;)
FANFICTION
A COURT OF NIGHTMARES AND LIGHT
PART II – THE DAY COURT
CHAPTER XVIII : Ashes in the Wind
Many, many years ago, in the Autumn Court…
Hand in hand, Lucien and Jesminda were walking in the forest painted in the colours of autumnal treasure. They hopped over fallen logs and onto the stones that pathed their way across a beautiful little river. Lucien kept glancing behind his back, checking that no one was around. He hadn't seen anyone at all the entire way, but he didn't keep him from worrying. His father's spies were everywhere, and not all of them were humanoid, many were part of the forest that answered the High Lord of Autumn's power. Lucien had never spent time with Jesminda so close to the Tree House and even though they technically weren't within the territory of it, he knew they were going to a place that many Autumn nobility went to. Hopefully, they were too busy with the preparations for the Autumn Equinox festivities to go anywhere near the Starlight Waterfalls.
"Stop looking over your shoulder like you've murdered the High Lord's daughter!" Jesminda exclaimed when she noticed his fretting.
He turned his attention back on her, his Jesminda, more beautiful than a thousand jewels, than a million landscapes, than the kaleidoscopic colours of Autumn.
"I'm quite certain my father doesn't have any daughter to be murdered. He has, in fact, sons to be spared and I'm the one who would be the less missed of all. And mostly, I don't want you being in danger. We're too close to the Tree House. We should go back, it's dangerous–"
"We've talked about this, Lucien!" she mumbled, rolling her eyes passionately, "I'm not going to stop living my life because of your father. If you're no threat to him and your brothers, he has no reason to reject our relationship. He doesn't care about you, right?"
As she talked, she turned around and threw her arms around his shoulders. Lucien sighed, holding her waist and drawing her closer to his body warmth.
"I know all that but still… he enjoys my suffering and hurting you would hurt me the most. We can go to the Starlight Waterfalls at another time–"
"They're the most beautiful during the Equinox! I don't want to miss it! I've never been able to go there before!"
She slid her hand into his and kept dragging him through the forest.
"You've promised you'd take me there this year."
"I know, I know…" He sighed, tightening his hold on her hand.
"Tell me again about it," she whispered, edging closer to him and pressing herself against his side.
Lucien couldn't help but smile, relaxing with her touch. He closed his eyes and breathed in her comforting scent that reminded him more of autumn than any other place in the Autumn Court.
"The Starlight Waterfalls are the most beautiful in all of Prythian," he started, softly gazing at her as she listened his story once again, "When my mother told me that, as a child, I decided that I would go see each and every waterfalls in all of Prythian to compare them. It's part of the reason, along with the fact that I never felt like I belonged in Autumn, that I travel so much. I love sightseeing, discovering landscapes and traditions from all around Prythian."
He paused, the chirping of birds and the whistling of leaves in the trees filled the silence for a short moment.
"I've been to the Winter Court first, to see the frozen waterfalls of the north. They were massive and glittered like fresh fallen snow and a thousand diamonds. I went to Summer where the waterfalls can't be seen all at once, you have to travel alongside the falls and the river flowing to the sea to witness all of its beauty. It looked like liquid sapphire and bristled with all the colours of the sky through the day. In Spring, the waterfall is small and delicate but the millennia have shaped the mountain rock against which it flows like a rose. Then I went to Dawn to see the Luminescent Waterfall. It flows in front of an underground cave to the open sky and when the sun rises, the light makes it look almost transparent and glistening like crystals. Then… I was invited to the Day Court."
He paused again. Jesminda never ceased to be fascinated by this part of the story in particular.
"They say the Day Court's waterfalls are more beautiful than the Autumn's Starlight Waterfalls. It was beautiful, probably the most beautiful waterfall of all but… its beauty wasn't because of the water, or its uniqueness, or its shape, or because of the sparkling starlight water… It was beautiful because of how simple it was. There was no trick of nature to make it particularly stunning, no court power that made it look special, it just… existed. It was shaped by the centuries and the millennia and the seasons. It never remained the same. I went there four times, once for each season, and it never looked as beautiful as the waterfall in Spring, or Summer, or Winter, or Autumn, but… because it always felt like something new each time I went to see it, it made it far more beautiful."
Jesminda sighed, and put her cheek against his shoulder, smiling widely at his tale.
"I want to visit the Day Court so badly! Though I would prefer to see the flower fields you told me about. Endless?" She asked in a whisper, full of longing.
"To the very edge of the horizons, flowers until you couldn't see them," he answered with a grin.
"I love that you love beauty in simplicity," she said with her eyes closed.
"You are not simple, and I love you more than anything. Those landscapes, no matter how pretty, pale in comparison to you."
She laughed, rendered more gorgeous by it.
"You and your silver tongue! But are you saying that I'm difficult to deal with?"
Lucien blinked, but his eyes glittered in mischief.
"I didn't say that you're not simple to imply you're difficult. Simplicity just doesn't suit you, you're far too fiery and wild for simple things. That's all."
Jesminda kept smiling, but her gaze got lost in thoughts. Intrigued, Lucien tilted his head, and raised his eyebrow.
"A penny for your thought, gorgeous?" He asked, curious by that reaction of hers.
"Sometimes I wonder if… you and I… aren't just too fiery, both on our own, to work together."
Lucien went to a stop, eyes wide and a slight panic running through his veins.
"W-what do you mean?"
"You always love the simple things rather than the elaborate one. You're soft and tender, unlike the rest of the Autumn nobility… you're generous and good-hearted unlike your family… And you keep traveling around and finding beautiful landscapes. Do you even like living in the Autumn Court, Lucien?"
She looked into his eyes, those green emerald eyes that peered into his soul, as if she knew something about him, about his future, that he didn't. And in that future she saw, they weren't together anymore. He disliked it when she looked at him that way, he couldn't help but fear she was right. So he ignored it, he always shrugged it off and buried that fear deep in his heart.
"I… you know I… I like the Autumn Court. It's my court, it's where I've been born and it flows through my veins. But my family makes it difficult to enjoy court life, so I travel around to get away from them. Maybe someday my father will give me a job as emissary or ambassador in another court. I've tried to get him to think about it but he seems determined to keep me under his grasp."
"…If you ever go to work in another court… would you take me with you?" she asked hesitantly.
"Of course! I would never leave you behind, Jesminda!" he exclaimed vehemently.
He took her face into his hands to look into her eyes, sending all his love into that long gaze.
"I'll always love you, and I promise you that someday, I'll take you to visit all those places."
"I'd love to see the Day Court most of all, you always sound so peaceful when you talk about it. It's like you should belong there." She answered with a grin, "I'd love to witness you relaxed and at peace for once. It'd suit you."
He chuckled light-heartedly, then lovingly nuzzled his nose against hers.
"Except the Night Court which I've never set foot into, out of every court, the Day Court is my favourite. Though I haven't visited Delphos yet. And I've been unable to access most of its libraries."
"At least you've gotten out of the Autumn Court many times before… I haven't even visited much of Autumn."
She sounded so… disappointed, and longing for other landscapes and places that Lucien tightened his lips. He kept forgetting all his privileges as the forgotten son of the Autumn Court. She had only ever showed this yearning, this vulnerable side of her to him.
"Which is why I'm taking you to visit all of Autumn now, and someday, I'll take you to the Day Court. I promise you, Jesminda."
He kissed her then. It was warm and sweet and she giggled into it. She threw her arms around his shoulders, drawing him closer. They would have gotten distracted by each other if Lucien hadn't caught the slight sound of rushing water nearby. He looked up and around, recognizing the trees.
"We're close to the Starlight Waterfalls now. We should go so we can enjoy as much sun as possible."
"You and your passion for the sun, I'm going to start thinking you're actually the son of the High Lord of the Day Court, rather than Autumn!"
"Ah ah, very funny. I'd trade my father against any other in Prythian."
"Oh? Even the High Lord of the Night Court?"
Lucien growled and rolled his eyes at the very idea of having High Lord Rhysand, that treacherous, dark and manipulative prick part of his family. Autumn wasn't so bad after all.
Jesminda laughed at his reaction, and once again hand in hand, they eagerly walked towards the sound of the waterfalls.
Lucien had planned the journey so that they would arrive from the forest rather than the usual road leading to the Starlight Waterfalls. He pushed away some bushes and branches hanging low and let Jesminda step out. She gasped.
Instead of coming up to the waterfalls hanging over them, they had arrived mid-level to the flowing waters, on the edge of a cliff opposite to the waterfalls. It gave the most beautiful, and private view of the most splendid waterfalls in all Prythian. In front of them stood a small mountain range on which the waterfalls gushed down all-year long. What made them so special was the amount of waterfalls, small to huge, cascading continuously to a big river downwards. The water was starlight, which made it glitter no matter what, especially at night when it was even more beautiful. The surrounding forest, all in shades of red, gold and brown, made the Starlight Waterfalls look like a river of pouring diamonds encased in a jewelled mountain. Many leaves would fall into the waterfalls or the river, making it look like rubies and bits of gold. With the reflection of the sun on the water, many rainbows added to the magic of the sight.
"It's… it's beautiful…" Jesminda whispered, stepping forward.
Her eyes, as bright as emerald, glittered in awe from the Starlight Waterfalls. She closed her eyes and hummed, delighted by the feeling of the fresh mist carried by the wind on her face.
"I love it… Lucien, I love it so much! It's… it's my favourite place in all of Prythian!" she exclaimed.
Not hearing any reaction from him, she turned around and gasped once again. Her eyes filled with joyful tears.
Kneeling on one leg, Lucien was looking up to her, his upwards hands showed a jewelled dagger. It was in red gold and covered with intricate designs and magnificent gems.
In the Autumn Court, it was tradition to offer a red gold dagger to the female they proposed to.
He was blushing, and his lips were twisted in a grimacing smile, too embarrassed and awkward, afraid of rejection, to look as smooth as he had hoped. Jesminda didn't mind at all, she didn't even need to think of her answer.
He opened his lips to properly propose to her, but she cut him:
"YES!" she exclaimed, falling on her knees in front of him, "Oh yes, Lucien! I would say yes in every lifetime that would be given to me!"
He laughed, relieved and happy, his heart hammering in his chest. She jumped into his arms and they kissed passionately, rolling over the grass and into the fallen leaves, like a soft bed of a thousand gems. The sparkling mist of the Starlight Waterfalls fell on them as they kept kissing and laughing and crying in sheer joy.
They spent hours enjoying this day and walking around the most beautiful waterfalls of Prythian, though their gazes kept lingering to other beauties. Jesminda proudly wore the dagger on her hip. Her engagement gift. Though, for the moment, it'd have to remain a secret.
"I haven't asked my father his blessing yet," Lucien told her later in the day, a frown finding its way on his forehead at the thought.
"I'd suggest we just ignore his blessing and elope together but you're far too well-mannered and proper to do such a thing."
"I… It's tempting, really, but… If I were to leave the Autumn Court, even for you, it'd break my mother's heart. And I would love you to meet her properly, you would get along well."
"I hope she'll like me."
"She will. I'm certain of it. We have all of eternity for us now that you've accepted my proposal," Lucien said, pulling her against his chest once again.
He couldn't help but smile, leaning down to kiss her, but Jesminda's worries came into her mind once again.
"But… we're engaged, not… mates, not yet," she said, looking down, "What if… what if despite the strength of our feelings, we… aren't meant to be after all? What if we aren't mates?"
"Don't be silly, I'm sure we are mates. It's just a question of time. The mating bond will click in place soon, I know it!"
"But what if we aren't?" Jesminda insisted, "You would… you would leave me for that other female, right?"
Her voice was tight in fear and sadness at the very thought of losing him. Lucien became serious, and looked right into her eyes.
"Jesminda, my darling, I promise you, I swear on my life, I will never leave you, not for another female, not even for my mate if she turned out to be someone else but you. I swear it." He said in a hard, faithful voice.
She smiled, but it was a little sad. She caressed his cheek. He relaxed into her touch and closed his eyes.
"But you'd be miserable. Binding yourself to me, out of loyalty, when you have another female meant to be yours and make you the happiest male in Prythian… If you were to find that mate of yours, I'd… I'd rather know you are happy with her, than unhappy with me."
"…What are you saying?" he murmured darkly, frowning.
"I am saying that I want you to promise that if you ever meet your mate, you will choose her, and cherish her with every bit of your heart and soul as you are loving me right now."
Lucien sighed, then rolled his eyes.
"I promise you, but only because the very idea of having another female meant for me is ridiculous. You are mine, and I am yours. You are my mate, I just know it. So, I am promising you that I will always choose you, and cherish you with every bit of my heart and soul… forever and ever." He said, pressing his forehead against hers.
Jesminda couldn't help but smile and close her eyes, leaning against him.
"Cauldron and Mother bless us," she whispered, her lips pressed against his chest, "It would be the most beautiful life, wouldn't it?"
"It would be, indeed. Every moment of my life has been a blessing since I've met you, my gorgeous Jesminda…" he murmured against her hair.
By the time dinner arrived, Elain had somehow managed to bring herself together. The realisation that she was in love with Lucien was… surprising by its unexpectedness. She wasn't shocked by it, she had it coming, she had felt those feelings grow stronger and stronger. How much of their connection had been caused by the mating bond, how much was their natural chemistry that drew them together, she couldn't tell. But maybe that was the very reason why they were mates: a natural chemistry, a connection, they were meant to be, with or without a strong magical reaction that bound their souls.
It was so different from what she had felt for Graysen. Graysen… she had loved him, but she had liked his pretty features and the attention he had given her, and only her. Not as the Archeron heiress, not because she was the sweet sister out of the bunch, not because she was rich, not because she was desirable… but because he liked her. All that flattery had inflated her own self-love and encouraged her to give him her devotion. This love, as true as it had been back then, had been weak and flimsy. It had been a pretty mirage of love that lead them to the path of marriage. But what she felt for Lucien? It was powerful and fiery; it grew higher and warmer in her heart like a constant flame that brazed her soul. It was the beautiful reality that felt true and solid, leading to a path of a long, long life of peaceful understanding and unwavering support.
When had she become so passionate? When had her glittering feelings for Lucien embraced her soul so? She couldn't tell, it had come so slowly, little by little, every gaze, every attention, every gesture, every conversation had drawn them closer and had fed that ardent devotion.
She wanted to give him everything she had, everything she was, heart, body and soul, and knew she would lose nothing. She would only gain his heart, his body and his soul, in return.
At the moment Lucien needed time to deal with whatever struggle had darkened his heart. She could feel the sadness, accompanied by the guilt and shame that she had come to associate with his feelings towards Jesminda. She would give him all the time he needed, as he had respected her boundaries when she had grieved her human life.
Would she confess though? When, how? The very idea of it frightened her and sent chills of excitement down her spine all at once. Elain knew that, deep down, Lucien had similar feelings for her, but would his loyalty to Jesminda be stronger than the feelings he's been nurturing for her? He hadn't expected to have a mate, ever, and yet, here she was – what if he wasn't ready? Despite their awkward and ill-timed meeting and courting? What if he didn't want of a mate after all? Could she confess to him, hoping for him to mirror her feelings, without knowing how he felt? But how could she ask him how he felt about having her as a mate, about bonding their souls and hearts forever, without implying her feelings for him to begin with?
Oh, what a mess of emotions, she thought, turning around in the living room, nervous again, I hope he won't feel any of that, or catch any of my thoughts or he'll figure it all out.
The three fox cubs watched her walk back and forth, eyes wide and curious, ears perked up and energetic. They were probably wondering why Elain was so confused, happy and frightened all at once.
A knock resonated at the door. She startled, not having heard anyone come – her hearing usually was so vivid, perhaps she was getting used to her High Fae senses, or maybe she was that flustered. It wasn't Lucien, she knew at once, but that scent was–
Unexpected. Not in the warm and fuzzy way that her realisation of her feelings for Lucien had been, but more in a bittersweet way.
"Come in," Elain said, stopping her buzzing around and lifting her chin up.
Feyre came in, her posture a little shy, but her blue eyes were as proud as ever. That must have been an Archeron trait, that prideful gaze that never wavered.
"Hey, I…"
Feyre took a deep breath, not knowing what to say. Elain's own pride lessened, and she sighed deeply.
"I feel the same," she said, filling up the silence for the both of them.
Feyre looked up, her gaze grateful for Elain to make the conversation going. Out of the three of them, Elain had always been the one graced with words.
"Feyre, I must apologize for what I've told you the other day. I shouldn't have reacted so vividly… so protectively after learning that you and Rhysand knew of Lucien's true origins. Thinking back on it… I understand better why you keep it a secret. It's… dangerous, for Lucien, and his mother, to an extent Lord Helion and… it could lead to a conflict within Prythian."
She paused for a moment. Feryre was about to say something, but Elain felt the need to finish her line of thoughts:
"It just feels like… my life has always been decided by others, that I never controlled any of it. During our childhood, mother made me the perfect little lady without thinking of my wishes. By now I have forgotten what I was like as child, what I liked or disliked, and I've become the perfect lady she wanted. But I am so much more and it took me… it took me all those hardships to realise it. Our life at the cottage, as unfortunate and lovely as it was, you being taken away from us, those cursed riches that came disguised as a blessing, then…"
Her voice wavered, but she took a deep breath and she was strong again:
"Then the Cauldron. The War against Hybern. That ability as Seer, having a mate, losing Graysen, then father, it… it was so much and none of it… I couldn't control any of it. And I guess I… I unconsciously blamed you, wrongly so, for causing the chain of events that provoked it all. But I know it wasn't your fault, it was the actions of bad people and you had nothing to do with it. It was fate at work and it had always been meant to be this way. I shouldn't have accused you of… of causing any of it, especially considering everything you've done for Nesta, father and I during our hard times. You've always been our pillar of strength, Feyre."
Feyre opened and closed her lips, her eyes watery from unshed tears.
"I would have had no strength if it weren't for your endless hope and constant positivity, Elain," Feyre said, voice breaking a little, "It took me arguing with you, then with Lucien, to realise… to realise that you were the one holding us together, holding me together. You're my big sister, and no matter how much I act strong and unwavering, as a High Lady and as myself, I… I still need you…"
Elain's own eyes teared up. She opened her arms and closed the distance between Feyre and herself, taking her little sister in her arms. Feyre immediately wrapped her arms around her older sister's smaller frame, holding onto it ferociously.
"I've lost so much, so many people, I can't lose you, Elain…"
"You won't lose me, Feyre, never. I'll always be here for you, little sister."
"I'm sorry for everything I've said, and done– I've smothered you so much thinking you needed time and to be taken care of when you're your own person. I was acting no better than Tamlin–"
"Don't say that, you're nowhere near as toxic as this pathetic lordling!" Elain corrected firmly.
Feyre couldn't help but chuckle, a little sadly, a little bitterly, then she pulled away.
"That's probably one of the meanest thing you've ever said about anyone ever."
"Well, he's one of the worst person in the world. He's hurt you, and he hurt Lucien. I'll never forgive him for that."
Feyre observed her closely, her eyes now swirling with understanding, connecting clues Elain hadn't realised her sister had been gathering this entire time.
"…Forgive him for hurting me, or for hurting Lucien?" she asked carefully.
"B-both, I care about you both, and I hate seeing you hurt." Elain answered, her cheeks flushing and betraying her feelings.
A smile played on Feyre's lips. Then, she chuckled, completely bewildered.
"Oh Cauldron and Mother, you're in love with him!" She exclaimed, as if she couldn't believe it.
The adorable flush became an ardent crimson. Elain stepped away and put her hands on her cheeks, trying to lower her body temperature and control her suddenly crazy heartbeat.
"It's turning out to be one of the most amusing days of my life–"
"Feyre, please–"
"W-when have you– since when? How– when will you confess to him?" Feyre asked, excited and happy for her sister and her friend.
"Feyre!"
She laughed at Elain's reaction. Then, teary eyed from the rollercoaster of emotions she had gone through in only one day, Elain followed her sister, laughing delightfully.
"Mother and Cauldron, I-I'm so in love with him–"
Another outburst of ecstatic laugh followed that declaration and tears of joy rolled down Elain's cheeks. She wiped them away quickly, while Feyre hugged her happily.
"I'm so happy for you, for you both! I was so worried you'd reject the mating bond– oh, the mating bond! Are you– when you'll confess– the food, you remember what I told you?"
"I know–"
"He'll go absolutely crazy – in the best sense of the term– that might turn out complicated with the current situation with Vassa and the Sorcerer but I guess that we can deal without the two of you gone for a day or two during your mating frenzy…"
Feyre's thoughtful voice trailed off.
Elain darkened, her bubbling laugh dying in her throat.
"What is it?" Feyre asked, frowning lightly at that sudden dimness from her sister.
"I… with Queen Vassa's spell, and the threat from both the Fae allied to Hybern and the Sorcerer… I… I don't think this is the best time to… to confess, or… or go on a… on a mating frenzy…"
Her voice squeaked at that thought, desire pulsing through her veins so suddenly she felt dizzy. Gods, she wanted that so badly.
"Elain, I fell in love with Rhysand during the war against Hybern. I found out we were mates from the Suriel when he was dying from poison and I had to save him. We only had a day to express our love and desire before having to go back to hell itself– you and Lucien will figure it out. Your beginning was a mess, but your ending will be lovely." She said confidently.
"But what if he doesn't want of… of any of that? What if he doesn't want me?" Elain murmured worriedly, wringing her hands together.
Feyre gave her a look that was quite explicit on her opinion of Lucien's feelings for her.
"He's practically diving at your feet every time you breathe, believe me, he never doubted of his attraction to you, physical and emotional. He just… he just needs some time to figure out some stuff but he–"
Feyre stopped herself, and took a deep breath.
"I can't speak for him. He'll do it himself. He'll… he'll tell you how he feels, about you, and the mating bond, and the future you could have together… But have some faith, in him, and yourself, and… the two of you."
Elain couldn't help but think back on the few visions she had had of Lucien and herself. Confessing, kissing, that red-haired baby…
She relaxed again, and smiled.
"You're right. I need to trust him, I do trust him… He'll come back and we'll talk, when we'll be ready, both of us."
Feyre smiled, then hooked her arm under Elain's.
"Now, let's call for dinner to be brought to us. I want to know everything that happened to make you fall in love with this wanky gingerbread of a fox?"
"Wanky gingerbread?" Elain repeated, brows furrowed in confused offense for her mate.
Feyre jerked her head back, and laughed at her new silly nickname for Lucien.
"Oh, he will never let you live it down once he hears that one," Elain muttered.
"He'll never know."
"Yes, he will. I'll tell him."
"No, you won't because you don't want to hurt his feelings."
"Then I get to call Rhysand a starry prick."
"He'd actually like that one."
Elain narrowed her eyes at her little sister. Then, they laughed.
That night, Elain and Feyre decided to eat dinner together, but in Elain's suite rather than join the others or remain on their owns. They talked some more until, tired by the long day, Feyre retired. The following day would be the same: the two groups would go their own ways to do as much research as possible.
After Feyre's departure, Elain glanced at the Autumn foxes who were now napping on the couch, content now that their tummies were full. The silence went on and on…
She stood up to change into her nightgown, and found some of Lucien's clothes. She couldn't help herself and instinctively grabbed one of his shirt, the one he had worn last night, and brought it to her nose. The scent immediately soothed her. Her shoulders dropped and her soul relaxed. She turned her attention to the night sky, not nearly as beautiful as it was in the Night Court but she didn't miss it. She loved the Day Court and she loved how bright it made Lucien.
She worried for him, but she decided to trust him. He needed time, she'll give it to him. Even if it tore her soul apart and left her breathless from pain. How had he handled such a yearning this entire time? And still had the decency to give her freedom over so long a time?
Annoyed by her line of thoughts, Elain slipped into her bed and tried to sleep. She was tired, she could feel sleep pull on her mind… but every time she hopped back into that empty room and way-too-big bed. Lucien's smell was everywhere and yet, not strong enough. She wasn't cold under the covers but she didn't have the warmth of his body next to hers.
Frustrated by her restlessness, she eventually got up and put on a shawl over her shoulders. She walked around the suite for a little while, examining the wall and decorations at night. But the rooms were still empty and she still ached from Lucien's absence. Worse she could feel his overwhelming feelings through the bond, it was dull and distant, but it was there. All that sadness, that guilt, that shame… She wanted to be by his side, wipe it out with a hug, and cover him with thousands of kisses to make him forget his pain.
Walking aimlessly, her fingers brushed one of his jackets that he had left on the back of a chair.
She was pulled into a vision and travelled over the hills. Suddenly, the wind flew in her hair and she couldn't breathe. Lucien was right here, looking up at the night sky, sitting in the middle of hills and watching an endless flower field. A falling star crossed the sky. He didn't see it, but Elain did. Her heart missed a beat and she took a step towards Lucien but the strong, invisible wind, that existed only for her, kept her away. He suddenly raised his head, as if, despite the distance and the impossibility, he felt her here.
I want to be with you! she wished to herself, to the silence, to the falling star already out of view.
As suddenly as she had been sent to see Lucien, she was back in her suite in the Tower of Light. Elain shivered and stumbled, catching herself on the chair, gripping Lucien's jacket.
It had been a vision, right? It was different from all the others – instead of showing her the past solid and full of emotions, or the future constantly changing and full of possibilities, it had been the present. It had been as if that invisible wind, that shouting wall, had tried to push her away from seeing Lucien, from stepping through her mind into the present in another place. It had tore at her hair, her clothes, her very skin and it had been an exhausting and mental fight to just remain there. It had lasted only two or three seconds, but she felt wobbly just thinking back on it.
Like a rose petal, red fell on the floor. Elain blinked, staring at the white marble now tainted with a couple of blood drop.
She lifted a trembling hand to her nose, and felt the warm liquid drip down her chin.
Dizzy and uneasy, she walked into the bathroom and cleaned herself, the nosebleed thankfully quickly stopped. She cleaned up the mess, a little panicked and wondering for a short while what had caused that nosebleed – though it was pretty easy to figure it out. She had used her power of Seer for the first time since her vision and prophecy, and in a way she had never used it before: to travel in the present time. She felt weak and nauseous even now.
Elain took deep breaths, wanting more than ever to understand her powers, and magic, how it worked and what was the cost of it all. Perhaps it was the impossibility to sleep, or perhaps the desperate and sudden urge to understand, but she walked out of the Tower of Light. There was no need for candle or fairy light, as the hallways were all lit, dimly but surely by soft, golden lights. She wasn't sure where she was going, pale, barefoot and shivering, but she followed her instincts.
She wandered through the halls for a long while, ignoring the guards as they glanced at her curiously. Eventually, she found a library. The private library of the High Lord of the Day Court, praised for its thirst of knowledge. It was ridiculous considering she would go back to study her powers at the Founding Library in just a few hours now but she couldn't help it. Something tugged at her that she needed to walk into the library tonight.
Perhaps she'd find a clue. Perhaps she'd find a distraction. Perhaps it'd be a waste of time. But she needed to be here.
Surprisingly, there was no guard and the librarian, curious as he was to see an unknown lady walk into his library in the middle of the night, merely nodded to her.
Quietly, slowly, she made her way through the aisles, discovering on her own what each shelf talked about. Without surprise, there were mostly books about History, magic and spells. Not much about Seers, nothing new at least, but… but magic was something she wanted to read about. The Founding Library hadn't had much about it – not in its basic properties and functions.
"May I help you, my lady?" The night librarian eventually asked her in a hushed voice, nervously wringing his hands together.
"I… I've found what I was looking for, thank you."
"Oh. Will you take the books in your quarters, then?"
"I can borrow it?" she asked.
"Yes, only a few inhabitants of the Tower of Light are allowed to borrow the books from our Library, but Lord Koios has told us that Lord Lucien and you, Lady Elain, were allowed to borrow as many books as you would wish."
"Oh."
From the way he was staring at her and acting so strangely, it obviously was a great honour. Elain noticed he hadn't mentioned Amren nor Feyre.
"Only the High Lord's family or close council are usually allowed to borrow the books." He added, a little too quickly to her tastes.
He observed her reaction, but she let nothing appear despite her inner turmoil.
So, Helion has allowed us to borrow the books because Lucien is his son, probably another attempt to soothe the revelation when it'll happen… I wonder how much Lord Koios knows– and how much the servants have already guessed or are gossiping about with all the special luxuries Lucien and I were offered, she thought to herself.
"I hadn't been warned of such a generous offer from Lord Koios," she carefully started, with a lovely smile, "But it is a good opportunity for us to continue our research even here and away from the libraries we go to in the day time."
Hopefully, that half-lie and her innocent smile would be enough to shush whatever gossip might erupt from this.
"Of course, it makes perfect sense," the librarian said, nodding half-heartedly, almost disappointed that he hasn't found out something juicy.
"I would like to borrow this book, please," Elain added, handing him the book she was holding.
He gave a quick glance at the cover, then nodded, going behind his desk to note down the reference. It was a manual on magic and it was no secret that she was new to the world of High Fae. There was no mystery on why she would borrow such a book and it wouldn't raise suspicions.
She started following the librarian but her hip hit a rolling tray that had been used to put books back in their shelves. One book fell down at her feet. She picked it up and found it open on a double page on a pretty little white plant, called the moonflower. She had studied it back when she resided in the Night Court. She had nurtured some of them, they gleamed in the moonlight and were particularly soft looking.
She scrolled through a few more pages of that book, it was about plants and their various uses. She had read many books of that sort through the years, back as a human and even in the Night Court, but Rhysand didn't have that particular one.
"I'll also borrow this one," she added quickly.
The librarian nodded, executed his duty, then gave her back the two books. He kept watching her curiously as she walked away, head held high and holding her new reading material against her chest.
The next day, Elain, as distracted as she was, followed Amren and Selena in the Founding Library while Helion and Feyre went their own way, without Lucien. His absence gnawed at her. Exhaustion from the sleepless night rendered her almost useless.
"Are you all right, Elain?" Selena asked after a few hours of study.
"I… I'm fine," she lied, looking down at the book, "I just feel–"
Exhausted but restless, curious but impatient, clear-minded but confused.
"You look really pale, girl," Amren said, with narrowed eyes, "…Have you used your powers of Seer?"
Elain's head snapped up at her mentor. Selena glanced between the two, blinked, then reached for a random book, frantically turning the pages.
"You look like a ghost, and I've smelled blood on you this morning. I've been wondering it for a while but… don't you think that Lucien has some sort of impact on your powers?"
"W-what do you mean?"
"After you were Made, when did you start using your powers, consciously or not?" Amren asked, frowning lightly as she connected the dots.
Elain tried to recall but the weeks following her dive into the Cauldron were so blurry. It only started clearing up after–
"A-after I met Lucien…" She realised.
Somehow, she recalled it perfectly. That day, as wretched and lost as she was, he had been standing there, in the doorway, broken-hearted and miserable to see her. His mate. Destroyed and aching for the life and the love she had lost. He, himself, feeling not any better for the life he had purposefully left behind for her sake and the love he had betrayed because of her. He had been so dirty, with those travelling clothes, covered in dust, smoke and blood… He had been so tired… But he had looked at her, into her soul, and something had snapped back into place. As if the moment she had been torn apart in the Cauldron, her soul had been left in little pieces but when she encountered her mate again, it pulled the broken fragments back together, magnetised by his presence. After the Cauldron, she had been a sad, broken thing, but Lucien had repaired her and magnified her – just like that beautiful artwork from the Dawn Court she had bought in Velaris, the bowl with a fox and a fawn, fixed with golden lacquer. Lucien was her light, her golden lacquer, her fire, her new life.
"And during the months he was away you didn't have much visions, but it's after you started growing closer that you started having visions again, including that prophecy about Vassa. Him leaving so suddenly yesterday might have triggered something in you, and your power," Amren said.
"Lucien is– he's her mate, that would make sense that his presence, or absence, would influence her state, and her abilities. I would say the same thing would occur to him, but it hasn't been noticed yet as he's a powerful High Fae who has used power for decades now." Selena agreed, nodding as she kept flipping through the pages, "There's a good reason why some theories say that mates are about power. Maybe not through powerful offspring only, but just… empowering their mate, whether it's their magic or just… who they are."
"You don't really feel powerful until the most powerful connection in the universe snaps," Elain murmured, more to herself than anything.
Ever since she had met Lucien, and spent time with him, she had slowly, but surely, grown into loving herself more, being prouder and lovelier, she was finally embracing who she had always been, and who she had been meant to become.
"Here it is!" Selena exclaimed.
She pushed the book to Amren and Elain.
"Only one Seer has ever had a mate, the others only had lovers or remained single. But this one originated from Spring and she is considered one of the most powerful Seers of all because she had a mate. He sort of…"
Selena waved her hands, then wiggled her fingers, as if in explosions.
"Expanded her abilities. Beyond what had been expected of the abilities of Seers. She was capable not just of seeing the future, but also the past and the present when for other Seers it would be a struggle."
Elain's heart missed a beat. Which didn't escape the two other High Fae. They both looked up at her:
"I… I had thought… Seers always saw the past and the future," she said, "It's never been explicitly said in any of the books we've read so far… that they only envision the future."
"Lucien's nightmares," Amren said, clicking her fingers together, "They weren't just nightmares you were dragged into. They were bits of the past. You saw them because of your powers, and your need to connect with your mate, and instead of having mere dreams about it, he was pulled back directly into his past experiences. That's why he had such vivid reactions. I thought he was just a wimp when it came to bad dreams."
"Have you seen the present yet?" Selena asked Elain.
She lowered her gaze, and paled even more. Then, she nodded.
"Last night… It was… it was painful. Physically painful, unlike the other visions. When I snapped back to myself, my nose was bleeding. I felt the need to move away from here, and back to Lucien. But I had no energy back."
"It sounds like some sort of spiritual winnowing," Selena said, "I suppose you've been explained what winnowing is?"
"Yes, but I've never quite understood how it worked…"
Amren sniffed at that, and rolled her eyes, probably thinking something along the lines of "fancy High Fae and their winnowing, ugh".
"It's quite simple in theory. You think of a place where you want to go, and you step there. You have to channel the magical energy inside you and will it to transport you. The more powerful you are, the higher the distance and the more winnowing you can do."
Elain had seen Lucien in the present time, on that hill, under the night sky, accidentally. But the sensations had been similar to winnowing. Instead of lasting one second for that one step that the High Fae would take during the winnowing, it had instead dragged on and on, tearing at her soul and pushing on her bones and muscles until it hurt.
"Can I winnow?" She asked Selena.
"I don't know, but most High Fae can. It takes a bit of training and time to get to do it, but maybe–"
Elain stood up and walked around, thinking on Lucien and Lucien only.
"Wait! You can't just winnow like that! It takes time to get it right and it's dangerous to do anything on long distances!" Selena exclaimed, standing up as well.
But Elain wasn't listening anymore. Ever since she had felt that tug the previous day, that meant Lucien was in emotional turmoil, she had wanted nothing more but get to him. She had unconsciously used her powers as Seer to go to him the previous night. She wanted to see him. She needed to see him. To make sure he was all right. To comfort him, care for him. She craved his presence, his warmth, his heartbeat–
She closed her eyes, felt a surge of warmth go through her, then her body was pulled apart as she stepped away. Gasping, Elain lost her footing and fell forward and into the grass. She landed harshly, on her hands and knees, unladylike, and realised she had winnowed– but a few meters into the sky rather than on solid ground. She looked up but barely registered where she was that her magic that she had awakened was pulling her away.
Elain felt like throwing up when she fell down again, in another part of the Day Court. The sun was high and bright. It smelled of flowers and trees. Her head spun.
She rolled around and brought shaky hands to her mouth. She was about to throw up, and her eyes burnt.
"Elain?"
She looked up, and blinked away her tears. The scent of apples, cinnamon and sunlight hit her and she wavered. Not from the magical exhaustion, but from– from his presence, from his nearness, from the reassurance she felt of seeing Lucien again after all this time wondering how he was…
Lucien thought he was dreaming it all. He was incredulous, curious, dumbfounded– but then it fell on him she had winnowed to him. Her first winnowing and over such a long distance–
"Elain!"
He immediately jumped to her and held her up. She moaned and let her forehead rest against her shoulder.
"Did you– did you actually winnow here?! Do you have any idea how far away we are from the Tower of Light?! The magical energy could have killed you!" he exclaimed frantically, panic rushing through his veins.
"I- I needed to see you…" she rasped out, feeling better now that he was here.
She felt warm again, she felt her heart resonate against her chest again, she felt peaceful and at ease again.
"Did something happen?" He asked worriedly.
Elain looked up at him, opening her lips to reply a simple "I was worried for you" but… when she met his mismatched eyes, she remembered that… she had realised her feelings for him. She was in love with him. She was in love with Lucien.
She blushed fifty shades of red and it took all her willpower, aided by her shyness and manners of course, not to push him down on the grass and kiss him wildly.
Lucien blinked, as if he perceived some of her thoughts. A slight flush came upon his cheeks. But he was still too confused to know what had caused her embarrassment.
"I-I just needed to see you… Y-you… you…"
Her voice croaked and died. She forced herself to straighten up, even if she was still dizzy.
"You hurt yesterday… I was worried for you…" she admitted in a hushed voice.
"Oh…"
He blinked, then fell back on his butt. They sat there, on the grass, in comfortable silence for a while, taking in each other's presence.
"I… I just realised something," he said, looking down and blushing some more – she really wanted to kiss his cheeks, and his cheekbones and his ears –, "And I remembered… something else…"
Here came the wave of sadness, shame and guilt she had felt the previous day, and it had continuously remained in the back of her mind ever since.
She brought a hand to her chest, putting it just above her breast. She felt her heart beat, strongly, but hollowly, echoing Lucien's rhythm, and emotions.
"Jesminda," she murmured, recognizing that feeling.
He looked up at her, teary eyed.
"I'm sorry…" He whispered.
Elain blinked.
"W-why are you… why would you feel this way?" she asked, leaning forward and putting her hand over his, "Y-you… you have the right to still have feelings for Jesminda, you don't have to choose… to choose between your duty and promises for her, and…"
Her voice trailed off, hope glimmered in her heart. She didn't dare finish that sentence, but the feelings hung in the air and Lucien knew what she meant… and he suddenly understood that Elain had become more accepting of the mating bond, of him… and that meant so much.
Smiling sadly, and keeping her hand in his, Lucien used his free hand to lift up her chin so their eyes would meet.
Elain had never seen such sad, sad eyes. And what made them so sad was the amount of hope and love that shone in them – the hope and love for her, for their future, which made him sad because of everything he had lost with Jesminda.
Her eyes filled with tears, her heart aching for his.
"I… I used to think that Jesminda had been my mate, but that the mating bond didn't… have time to snap before…"
His voice trailed off and broke.
It ached, it ached, it ached–
"I thought I would never love someone again."
It burnt, it burnt, it burnt–
"And then I met you."
She breathed.
Elain breathed, feeling free and lifted up from Lucien finally letting it go. Jesminda, his aching heart, his burning guilt–
She smiled lightly, sadly, and he leaned down, pressing his forehead against hers.
"I'll never be able to forget her, she'll always be in my heart… but could you forgive me for sharing it with her?" Lucien asked in a breath, hopeful and dreadful all at once.
"There is nothing to forgive, Lucien. I know what you endured, I understand your pain, better than anyone… and… and I'm willing to accept all of you. The good and the bad, the light and the dark, the hope and the guilt… all of it…" she whispered in return.
He looked into her eyes, and a single tear rolled down his cheek, from his russet eye. She wiped it away, then kissed his cheek. He breathed her scent in, leaned down against her shoulder. She waved her fingers through his hair, reassuringly. Then she traced his scar and kissed it some more. Their noses brushed and their lips hovered near… but they didn't kiss. Not yet, not when they felt so heavy with a kaleidoscope of sadness weighing on their hearts.
Lucien pulled away slightly. He took a deep, deep breath. Then he pulled out something from his chest pocket.
Elain teared up again when she recognized the handkerchief in which he had put Jesminda's ashes, so long ago. She finally noticed the tiger lily embroidered on its side. Somehow, she understood without a word or a thought shared that the tiger lily had been Jesminda's favourite flower. So fiery, so elegant, so vivid and bright – just how she had been.
So many nights ago already, after she had witnessed Lucien's memories of Jesminda and her death, she had found him in the garden, holding a tiger lily and setting it on fire.
That was the moment when Elain realised that the flower fields they were standing in were tiger lilies.
Sunset embraced the landscape in shades of red and gold. It was beautiful.
"I'll always love you," Lucien murmured.
He opened the handkerchief and wind rose, taking away the ashes. They danced in the air, in the sky, free under the sunlight and joining the tiger lilies.
Elain leaned against Lucien's back. A silent and comforting presence, the only one who understood how he felt. The one meant to be by his side. He squeezed her hand in return, and they watched the ashes disappear from view, then they watched the sun set down, and night engulfed them.
I hope you liked it,
Yours Truly,
May