Dear Lame Journal,

"Okay, what's up with you?" Shawn asked me.

We were walking through an arts and crafts fair in Chelsea.

"What are you talking about?" I asked as I skipped along beside him.

"Well, for one, you're skipping. And two you're smiling way too hard."

"Sorry." I giggled, "I just can't help it."

Shawn sipped his latte, "You and Chai been making out a lot huh?"

"Yea" I skipped, "Her lips are like soft pillows that I just want to kiss, over and over again. And then she does this thing with her to…" I stopped myself before I said something too detailed, "Nothing gets better."

"Oh, it gets better," Shawn mumbled.

"Seriously Shawn, things are going great. Chai is great. School is great. And there's no more hiding. Because there's no Riley."

Riley and I were done. Our break up had...changed our group. Of course, I wasn't friends with Lucas anymore. And Zay was a Lucas add on. But I still had Farkle...and Smackle. Plus I had Chai's friends. And Chai. A best friend that I can kiss.

So great.

"Well," Shawn signed. "There is still one person."

I raised eyebrows, "Mom."

He nodded.

I had stopped skipping, "I..can't tell her...not yet."

I know this is going to sound dramatic. But when I think about telling my mom I am...you know. I get this picture of me being tied up and lowered into a pool of hungry sharks. If mom reacted like Riley did then...I didn't know what would happen.

"It's hard, coming out to the person closest to you." Shawn said, "With strangers it's easy. Because rather they love it or hate it. Doesn't matter. But when you care, when you the most vulnerable, it's hard...that's why I never actually told Cory."

"And you're lucky you never had to tell your parents." I said, without thinking, "Oh...I"

"It's okay," Shawn said. "It's true. My dad died before I really knew who I was, not that I would have told him anyway. And definitely wouldn't have told my mother...wherever she is."

Shawn stopped and turned to see one of the paintings. It was of a young woman in front of a vanity mirror...but inside the mirror she was covered with wrinkles and warts.

"What do you think?" He whispered.

"I think…" I said staring at the painting, "She knows there is this ugliness inside of her...but she keeps it inside so people won't judge her."

Shawn nodded, "Interesting analysis, Picasso."

%%%%%

I was at my locker sketching as much as I could before History. Then suddenly a pair of hands covered my eyes.

"Guess who?" she whispered.

"Could it be my beautiful, talented girlfriend?"

She removed her lovely hands. I turned to Chai smiling at me, with her camera around her neck. I closed my sketch pad and grabbed her hand.

Yes, holding hands at school. I was so worried about people looking at us weird, but it turns out, people don't really care. Everyone is so focused on themselves, that most of them don't care about the two girls holding hands.

I was approaching Mr. Matthews's classroom when I saw Riley across the hallway...wearing a cheerleading uniform.

"Riley's a cheerleader?" Chai asked.

I saw Farkle walking pass. I grabbed him by the hoodie.

"Yo Farkle, why is Riley wearing a cheerleading uniform?"

"Because she's on the team?"

"No way," I said, slapping his arm, "Riley tries out every year and it's always a disaster."

"Oh, it was a disaster this year too," Farkle replied, "But, the team loved her spirit, so they made her their water girl."

Chai scrunched her face, "Is that even a real thing? And why would she still wear the uniform?"

I wasn't focused on the logic. It had been Riley's dream to be a cheerleader since she was 6.

I should have been there. I should have been there, jumping up and down with Riley. Telling her how proud I would be of her.

But I wasn't there. I missed it.

I couldn't just go up to her now.

I kissed Chai on the cheek and let go of her hand. Walking into the classroom.

Today the word Forgiveness was on the chalkboard.

As the bell rang, I sat down in my new seat.

"All through History, counties go to war." Mr. Matthews said, "That's what we normally study here. But today we're going to talk about peace and forgiveness. And how we get there." He pointed to Farkle, "Farkle I forgive you."

Farkle raised his eyebrows, "What did I do?"

"Ladies and gentlemen, history is not just about what we have done but how we grow. Everyone take out a piece of paper."

Mr. Matthews passes out these red envelopes.

"What's this got to do with History Matthews?" I smirked.

"It gives you a chance to change it. This is an opportunity to rebuild." He shifted his eyes between Riley and me, "Perhaps, there are two best friends...who said some things they shouldn't have...who could maybe rebuild a lifelong friendship."

Of course, this was a trap.

I stared over at Riley and she looked over at me. We were waiting for the other to speak. If she would just apologize, I could forgive. But always thinks she's right.

She wouldn't do it. So neither will I.

I turned to Mr. Matthews, "How can you forgive someone that isn't sorry?"

"Good question, Miss Hart." He said, "But how do you know if they're sorry if you never start a conversation?"

%%%%

"Hey honey," Mom said leaning on my bathroom doorway, "How are you doing?"

I shrugged, washing my hands.

"It's just that you haven't been at the bakery in a couple of weeks." She said, "You and Riley are still ex-best friends?"

I nodded before turning off the sink.

"You...wanna talk about it?"

"Nope," I said grabbing a ponytail band.

"Okay...you going to hang with that new friend of yours, Chai?"

I kept my eyes on the mirror as I gathered my hair.

"Actually, I'm going to Mr. Minkus's. Shawn is helping me with a writing assignment."

"Okay, Good. He's good at that stuff."

I finished putting my hair up and moved toward the door. I couldn't look my mom in the eye, so I bumped into the door.

"Oh my god, are you okay?"

"Yea," I whimpered before walking out.

%%%%

I knocked on Mr. Minkus's door. Hopefully, Shawn can help me with this project. He could help me find someone to forgive.

"Hey, Maya," Shawn whispers motioning me in with his finger on his mouth.

Weird.

I walked into the living room and saw an open suitcase on the couch.

I can't explain it. But it's like this flashing red light came over my eyes and I stood there hyperventilating.

"Are you leaving?" I asked.

"Hey, hey it's not what you think," Shawn lowered himself, "I'm not leaving...that's just where I keep my clothes."

I exhaled with relief. Of course, Shawn wouldn't leave like that.

"Why are you whispering then?" I asked.

"Because," He sat down by his suitcase. "Farkle and Stuart are talking in the other room and it seems like a super emotional thing."

I raised my eyebrows. Farkle didn't mention coming here after school. Weird.

I tipped toed to the open doorway. Mr. Minkus sat on Farkle's space bed...holding one of those red envelopes Mr. Matthews gave us. His eyes were watery.

"I was too young to understand why you and Mom got divorced. And I was afraid we wouldn't be a family anymore. But now I see, you needed to divorce Mom. Because it made you happier people and we are still a family. Dad, I forgive you. And I'm proud that you are my dad."

Mr. Minkus wipes his tears and gets up to hug Farkle.

Watching it, I had so many emotions. For one, a little guilty because I never knew Farkle's feelings about his parents' divorce. It was the nicest and simplest divorce I had ever seen. But I guess, even they have problems. Then I was happy for Farkle and his dad.

But then I was sad and my body felt heavy then I was angry and saw the flashing red lights.

Farkle patted his dad's back and they let go. Farkle walked up to me.

"How do you feel Farkle?" I asked.

"Better," He nodded. "So who are you going to forgive?"

%%%%

In history class, Mr. Matthews wanted us to discuss who we all decided to write to.

Lucas and Zay choose Farkle for ruining movies. Riley chose Angie because he ruined her stupid bear when he was like three.

Farkle and I were the only ones taking this seriously.

"Maya?" Mr. Matthews said, turning to me.

"Wanta hear it?" I asked him.

"If you're alright with that?"

"Dear Dad, it's Maya,

In school, I'm learning about forgiveness. What you did...makes me have a lot of angry feelings inside of me. I don't want to be angry anymore. Why did you leave? Did I do something? Make me understand?"

I could see Riley with one foot on the ground. Like she wanted to jump into action. But she didn't.

I turned back Mr. Matthews, "It's useless anyway because he will never read it."

%%%%

"You mailed it?" Chai asked as we took the stairs down to the bakery.

I knew Riley would be at cheerleading practice, so I got to have barkery today.

"Yea, two days ago." I said, "But come on, he probably won't even read it."

"Do you feel better?" She asked.

I shrugged.

"What is your mom doing?" Chai yelled.

I looked to see my mom throwing bread at a cheesecake covered man.

When I made out this face, I started breathing hard and unknowingly sank my nails to her skin.

"Maya?" Chai whispered. "Is that...him?"

I opened the door and stared at him.

"Hey Dad," I spoke.

"Hey Maya," He smiled at me.

"Oh wow," Mrs. Matthews said.

Dad then acknowledged Chai, "Are you a friend of Maya's?"

Chai just nodded, putting her hand on my back.

"What are you doing here Kermit?" Mom bit.

He pulled out the red envelope, "Because of this."

"What?" Both mom and Mrs. Matthews yelled.

"It...um was a history assignment."

"My husband had an idea?" Mrs. Matthew smirked, "I apologized...this is on the house."

Dad nodded, "May I please get a towel?"

%%%%%

We all kind of stood there, as he cleaned himself up.

"Your mom looks pissed," Chai whispered in my ear, "Should I leave? Or do you want me to stay?"

I brushed my fingers across her hand. Her beautiful hand.

"Yea, things are kind of intense, right now...text you later?"

She nodded and automatically leaned in for a kiss. I shifted away. My mom was right there. And if what my dad came in. There was already too much going on. Chai rolled her eyes but then nodded.

"Text me later." She stated before walking out.

Mom wasn't looking at me. I guess I didn't realize how she would feel about this.

"You're about nine years late Kermit," Mom bit when Dad walked back in.

"I know Katy," he said. "I do want to thank you. Maya says you never sold me out."

Mom bit her lip. She was definitely still pissed.

"So," I said, "You left? So, why weren't mom and I not good enough?"

He moved his lips around like he didn't know how to respond.

He stepped closer to me, "Can we talk outside?" He turned to mom, "Is that okay?"

Mom shifted between us.

I got up and walked to a patio table. My dad sat down across from me.

"Your mother and I.."

"That's not an excuse." I yelled, "Just because you guys broke up, that doesn't mean you can ignore your daughter for 9 years."

He nodded, "You're right. No excuses. It wasn't you. It was all me. I blew every paycheck, instead of providing for you. I wasn't good enough for you."

That was something I wanted to hear..but it didn't make me feel better.

"But you're there for your new kids? Why did they do, that I didn't do?"

"There was nothing you did or could have done. I wasn't ready for you, or anyone. Then I changed. I've kept a good job. And fell in love again. They don't know who I was. And they believe in who I am now."

"But you never reached out to me? After you got a job?" I asked.

His mouth hung open.

I took a deep breath.

"Do you remember that lighting storm? When I was little," I said standing up, "I thought the world was on fire."

"Why…"

"I was underneath my covers crying and you came into my room. Peaked under the covers. And made it a game. We were in Alaska looking for gold. You said the lightning was the northern lights, the aurora borealis. You made that entire night an adventure until the storm passed. Don't you remember?"

"No, I don't." He shook his head.

"Because it never happened. The storm happened but you didn't." I turned around. Mom was inside still staring at us, "It was mom, that made it Alaska….because...she stayed."

I turned back to him, "Thank you for telling your side of the story. But...I can't forgive you. I'm happy that I wrote to you and I'm glad that it wasn't my fault. But I can't."

"I am truly sorry for what I did." He said standing up, "And I understand."

%%%

I walked inside to see Mr. Matthews had joined them. They all stared at me. Waiting me fall into one of their arms.

I approached Mr. Matthews, "I'm sorry. I failed. I couldn't do it."

"I never expected you to. That kind of forgiveness. Doesn't come easy."

"Then what did you want from me?" I yelled.

"Maya, did you forgive yourself?"

Those words were like...a knife that stabbed me in the heart and rippled through my whole body.

Mr. Matthews opened his arms.

I inhaled, keeping it all in. I just couldn't let them...see.

I stepped back and walked out.

%%%%

I walked to the park, trying to calm myself down. It's like my head was this Pinball machine and there was a ball bouncing around everywhere. With all these lights flashing and all these bells and whistles ringing. I just want to shut my brain off.

Before I knew It, it was dark. I was sitting at the park staring at the statutes.

This was all Riley's fault.

Riley came around with her hopes, expectations, and her whole "having feelings" scam.

If it wasn't for Riley. I would have just learned to not feel anything and be perfectly happy.

I grabbed a loose brick off the ground and passed around in my hands as I walked up to concrete Riley. I took the brick and began smashing Riley's head with it. I swung the brick over and over again putting my all rage into it. Until I couldn't physically smash it anymore. My arms couldn't take it more. I dropped the brick.

I stepped back, hyperventilating, and saw fake Riley's head cracked open. My knuckles bleeding.

%%%%

I tried to calm my breath as I climbed up the stairs. I just wanted to lay down. I opened the door and Mom was there waiting for me.

I saw her and started weeping all over again. I grabbed her stomach and sobbed into her shirt. She put her arms around me. I knew she had noticed my bleeding fingers, but she didn't say anything about it.

"Why does it hurt so much?" I mumbled.

She just held me tighter.

%%%%

Dear Lame Journal,

I want to let you know that I woke this morning, it was a clear day. I feel much better. I still can't truly be at peace with my dad leaving. But as Mr. Matthews said, some things take time.

But it wasn't for nothing. I learned two things.

One, it wasn't my fault. I was a child, who didn't deserve to be put through that.

Two, Riley isn't my "ride or die". Mom is. I got so caught up on my anger over my dad that I forgot how great my mom is. She couldn't be both mother and father. But she tried.

I should give her more credit.

Please Review!

A/N:

I didn't originally mean to post this on Farther's day weekend. It was just a coincidence but I can't pass up the irony. Happy Anti-Father's Day to the kids who have abandoned by their fathers, and to superhero single mothers!