"Can I cut your hair?"
Sirius' hand flies to his head, patting his curls. "Why?"
His question makes her stop in her tracks for a second but she pulls herself together. "I used to cut it for you. You liked it short."
A weight settles on his chest, growing heavier with each second he can't remember. How fitting he remembers the grim parts of his life while he's forgotten the cheerful parts.
"You were good at it then," he smiles at her, deciding to ignore the sharp pain in the centre of his ribcage. "Well, add it to the pile. Our to-do list are expanding."
"I tried giving you bad haircuts so girls would lay off of you but didn't work," she laughs, at herself or at other girls, he doesn't know. She makes a dramatic movement with her hand. "You stayed gorgeous and girls kept crushing on you."
She moves the covers and slips inside. She pats the empty space next to her, fixing him with a impatient glare when he doesn't obey.
"Come, Sirius."
"That only works with Padfoot, you know," he says, shaking off his stupor, kicking off his slippers to transform.
"I don't want Padfoot tonight, I want you."
She slips into her childhood accent, as it happens when she's truly nervous. Sirius doesn't know what she's so afraid of. Does she think he'd refuse? It sounds ridiculous even in his own head. Sirius' pulse races against his throat and he can swear his bones melt as he stares at her in his bed. Fingers twisting around the sheets, her soft hair draped across the pillow in her, dressed in her matching pajamas.
He moves faster than his aching body should allow, lest she changes her mind.
He turns the lights off and tries not to fidget as he's prone to do, unable to sleep for hours. It's always easier to sleep as Padfoot but he can always tell the effects the next day.
"Sirius?" her voice breaks the silence in pitch black room.
He hums in response and twists until he lays on his side. He hears rustling as she inches her hand closer, her fingertips resting on his pulse point on his neck, no doubt able to count every heartbeat.
"Is there something bothering you?" he asks when she stays silent.
"I'm…" her voice echoes in the room, almost mocking her hesitant tone. "I'm grateful that you want me back."
It's such an absurd thing to say. Sirius knows she's serious, from her shallow breaths fanning his face, to her slight tremor to her icy fingers.
It's something he should be thinking. Something he's thought many times.
Such a joke that she's the one saying that.
He tells her what he's thinking, his voice harsher than he intends.
She doesn't reply but shifts closer, their legs tangling, her head resting on his arm. His senses flood with the refreshing smell of her shampoo, and his breaths get deeper, his heart beating stronger, with more certainty upon her closeness.
He puts a hand around her waist and pulls her close until she hides her face into the crook of his neck.
"I didn't think I'd see you again," Sirius murmurs, as sleep starts to take him away.
"I always knew we'd meet again."
He falls into sleep, his neck tingling with the feel of her lips against his skin.
Sirius has told himself multiple times to wake up before Lydia but he couldn't set the alarm. Lydia wakes up before him again. When he opens his eyes, it's to a much brighter room than he's used to. It causes a faint pulsing in his temples but it's not blinding or agonising. Just mildly annoying.
He hasn't been drinking much in the last few days. Lydia had been keeping him busy at all moments, and he doesn't know if it's because she wants to distract him from alcohol or it's because her inability to stay without doing anything. She'd go mad in Azkaban in a few weeks.
She is propped up with several pillows, dressed in her pajamas with a light green mask on her face. She reads one of the books she chose from the library with utmost attention, though Sirius doesn't understand what's so fascinating about "Hidden Gems of Scandinavia".
"Is it good?" he asks with a croaked voice.
She jumps a little but her face doesn't change, frozen by the stiff material. "I've marked some places we can go," she says, barely moving her lips, and shifts through pages, showing him places that look way too similar.
He makes approving noises, urging her on to show more with fumbling fingers.
He is in love with her optimism.
"Did you eat?" he asks when she looks for another waterfall or lake or fjord.
She doesn't answer, lost in her attempt to find yet another place and it leaves his lips without his permission.
"I'd rather go somewhere warm."
She stills, her eyes wide and her mouth open like an alien caricature in Muggle comics. She shuts the book with a bang and drops it on the floor.
"Of course," she shakes her head, chuckling like she can't believe it. She stares at the wall, as Sirius holds an internal debate on how to sew his mouth shut.
"Sicily?" she says, with a touch of uncertainty.
His heart stops for a moment, than starts to beat with more vigour than before, warming him back up.
"That sounds great," Sirius traces the vein on top of her hand, thinking Lydia probably sees just as much sun as he does, if her complexion is anything to go by.
"And Croatia," she continues, enthusiastic, "I've never had an opportunity to go there." She looks at Sirius for confirmation.
"We can go see Scandinavia's hidden gems too, Lydia."
She waves her hand, almost slapping his face in her distracted state. "We'll go there when we're sick of sweating and getting sunburnt."
"I don't get sunburnt," Sirius objects.
"Yes because you've sunbathed a lot in Azkaban and Grimmauld Place," she snorts.
He flicks her thigh, making her shriek. "I'll have you know, I've spent my summer in Thailand before your best friend decided to terrorise the Quidditch Cup."
She stares at him blankly before she abruptly swats at his hand clutching her thigh. "Why didn't you invite me?"
He holds his hand to his chest, rubbing his hand. "How rude of me not to invite my ex fiancé who left without saying goodbye."
Her right hand closes in a fist before she purposefully relaxes it. She starts playing with her ring finger like there's still a ring there, like she did when she really had it on.
"How did you have it on you? I didn't think they'd allow for jewellery in Azkaban," she asks in a low voice, not looking at him. Sirius thinks it's rather ridiculous to have this conversation with that thing on her face but doesn't mention it.
"I sent our rings to Mother when you left." He thought back than it would hurt her more than it hurt him. How foolish and naïve he had been. "I found them in her safe box."
She sighs, jaw working and leaves to go into bathroom without a word. She moves like she's an intruder, almost a thief, with her feather light feet and flighty touches. He hears the water running and she comes out a few minutes later with her clean and bare face.
She doesn't come back to bed though. She goes to the wardrobe, opening her side, rummaging through her belongings while he goes into bathroom to relieve himself and brush his teeth.
When he comes back, she's still fumbling. Sirius doesn't point out she already has more stuff than he does. He likes it too much to divert her attention to it.
She walks towards his side of bed –he still can't wrap his mind around it- and sits, with her back facing him, tucking one leg under the other. Her fist is closed, knuckles white and for a moment Sirius worries that she's going to punch him.
But she opens her palms and extends it towards him, displaying what she's holding.
Her ring, simple because it had to fit with all of her clothes. Charmed so it would take a colour that fits her other jewellery she wears that day.
Sirius reaches forward to his drawers and takes his own ring out, putting it beside hers.
"Here they are," he whispers.
Lydia cranes her neck, resting the back of her head on his shoulder, a flush spreading down her torso and her hand closes in a fist, as if she wants to protect them from his gaze.
Sirius' hands grasp her waist, before he slides them forward to rest on her belly. Her breathing gets laboured and her fingers open, revealing the rings.
He inhales, the familiar scent, her skin, her perfume, her shampoo, all of them taking him to somewhere safer and somewhere new at the same time.
"Don't drop them," he murmurs into her ear, and a shiver travels down her body and with that his hand slips into her knickers.
She gasps in his arms, her back arching for a moment before she lets out a laugh.
"You should've kissed me first," she says, closing her eyes.
He buts his nose into her cheek. "I want to see your eyes," he tells her, letting his hand wander south, enjoying her quiet whimpers.
She blinks and her mouth curves into one side as his fingers find their way like they've never parted. "Are you going to make me beg?"
Sirius hooks her fingers inside her and she starts to shake, but keeps her eyes open. "I told you I wasn't going to kiss you until you did."
Her mouth grazes his jaw and Sirius realises he might not be in charge of the moment after all.
"Have I ever told you I love you?"
He feels it more than he hears.
"It's been a while."
She hadn't been the only person to tell him that, but she'd been the first, and the last.
"I have loved you ever since I was old enough to know myself, Sirius Black," she says, their lips barely touching, "even if you haven't heard it in a long time."
Her lips, softer than he remembers, on his own.
He's forgotten how this felt like, but somehow, it feels like a second chance instead of a curse.
Lydia's eyes roam over the paperclips without care, and Sirius wishes he was a Legilimens.
"You're taking this well," he comments.
Her brows rise, and she sends him an amused look. "I'm not an idiot, Sirius. He knew what he was doing when he joined."
He sighs, throwing himself on the bed as he purposefully doesn't look at the walls. Lydia barely touches her surroundings, as if she's afraid their mere presence will ruin the memory of Regulus.
She looks at the books, the photographs but doesn't lay a finger on a single thing.
"At first, it felt like I failed him," she says, her voice low but clear in the dusty room. Sirius lifts his head to look at her and startles when their eyes meet.
"You didn't."
She ignores his input. "Then I started feeling like I lost a brother, and now I feel like I lost a son when I think about him."
Bile rises up from his throat into his mouth but he swallows it down.
"Since when you feel like you've lost a son?" the words tumble out of his mouth and he hears it at the same time as she does.
Her eyes turns icy, and it looks even colder with the smile that adorns her face.
He does not remember that either but he doesn't know if that's good or bad.
"I waited for you to come after me for weeks," she says, her tone light and almost cheerful. "I sent Barty to spy on you to report back to me."
He remembers, with mortification, what happened after that.
"You fucked a girl three weeks later," she tilts her head to the side like it explains everything.
He waits for her to continue but she only glares at him like she's daring him to speak up. "So it was retaliation?" His mouth curls into a sneer.
She twitches like she's holding back her words, for more impact, no doubt and goes on like she's not heard it. "You fucked two other girls in the next month. But I waited until the last day I could take the potion."
She pats down her skirt and looks at him like he's the last person on earth she's like to see.
"I have no idea what happened after that. I took Barty off your back. Would you like to fill in the blanks?"
Sirius has never known breathing could require this much effort. "You've always chosen to use your truths as a weapon."
She huffs and throws herself next to him, hiding her face under her arm. "I have never pretended to be a decent person. Take it or leave it."
"I'll take it," he says after a pause. It's never been a question.
She laughs, but it's still a cruel sound. "I know. That was always your weakness, wasn't it? You wanted to own me. You wanted me to need you. And I loved you so much I allowed it. I always let you walk all over me even in the end I didn't mean shit to you."
He grabs her arm to look at her face, forcing it down when she tries to yank it back. "I know I treated you horribly at times," he says, preferring not to take note of her snort, "But you are no angel. You always threatened me with yourself. You told me you'd move back in with your grandmother if I didn't stay with you when you were at home. I planned everything according to your schedule. I only saw James and Harry when you were at university. I asked you before I went anywhere. You gave me cold shoulder for every woman that looked at me while you spent your nights at a guy's place whenever you got pissed at me, a guy who was in love with you," he holds up a finger when she opens her mouth in protest, "I only asked you to put a space between yourself and him and you never budged. You told me the only way I'd never see him is when you left."
"He was never in love with me, I've told you-"
"Lydia, be honest," he cuts her off. "Would you end up with Barty if I wasn't in your life?"
She considers this for a few seconds, before she shakes her head in resolution.
"I wouldn't be me without you. I can't talk for someone else. Are you glad to exist now?"
He lets his body go lax, the warmth her words caused burning through the heartache she brought just a few minutes ago. "I'm glad this is the world you're mine."
She looks like she's ready to drop the subject but her eyes narrow again. "I never threatened you with myself. They were only warnings. Because you only cared about that. You didn't care when I cried. When I shouted. When I didn't speak to you."
"I'm willing to spend the rest of my life showing you how much worth you are to me."
"Only if I allow you," she says, her eyes glinting in indignation.
"I'm not the only one with a weakness, dear," he says as he places his head on her chest, letting the steady beat of her heart dull the pain in his head.
He expects her to push him away in anger but her fingers tangle in his hair, threading through them with care. "You're such a beautiful weakness to have."
Notes:
And I'm finished with this rotation! i have gone through a needlestick injury (the patient's markers all came negative, thankfully), and today one of the residents I work with turned out to be covid+, so it's another week of me wearing masks in the house before I give a sample. but I feel really good regardless.
Hope you enjoyed!